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To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:04:07 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Well there's not need to go into big discussion as to why I'm using my old name again. It's pretty obvious.

I got to thinking about a few things. And I know i'm not ashamed of the fact that I was just in short "collaring". But then again I wouldn't even really call it that. It was in more or less, agreement that I was collared. Though not officially.

Bottom line is. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to realize there's been a mistake. So it's time to correct it as well. And no this has not everything to do with a previous post about LDR, but yet some of it.

This is more about being able to admit ..... Oh shit, I messed up. It's time to either walk, skip or run. But it's time to bolt no matter what. Before it gets worse.

I'm not going to get into the dispute over submission / slavery. It's how each individual person sees it... feels it.. lives it.  But if someone tried to get you to live a life you THOUGHT you might want to live. Only to find out. It's not for you after all.

What if ONCE AGAIN, you were coaxed, lied to, smooth talked, into believing there was a "relationship"... when all in all... it was strictly about submission or slavery. To start actually learning that you will no longer exist. You will no longer be anyone at all. There's no "relationship" at all. Just the Master and the slave. No conversation about anything but his/her domination over you.. the sub / slave.

When you go to the one who claims to want to know all about you..and what you're doing.. going through... feelings.. thoughts...pains... pleasures... in life in general. You go to them in a damn good mood... ready to tell them about the wonderful day you had....and as you begin to... they interrupt you with what you will or will not do next. Then they make you just listen to them as they talk nothing but their thoughts on what you will do... what they will do to you.. not giving a shit about why you was happy to begin with. And let's not even start on the whole aspects that something happened in your life and need that person's shoulder, support. And they start the same bullshit all over again.

Ok yes, this is a slight rant on my own stupidity again. One would think that I would of learned the last time. One could say I shoudl of seen red flags, taken more time, should of met in real , etc...etc... and I could disagree or agree with everyone till the cows come home.

Bottom line... should I be ashamed that my eyes were opened up a little too late? I'm thinking NO. I shouldn't be ashamed to admit I screwed up again.  I did learn from the last one to look or certain things. (At least this time i'm not learning this one is actually married in another state than the one he's claiming to be living in... so fAR).

Yep, I could of seen my mistake and kept my mouth shut. Gone along with it. Make a joke, mochery out of it all. And I also could of tucked my head between my legs and slid off into nothing. Not saying a word. Hiding in shame.

Well those that know me know... that's not me. Ok, I screwed up. Learned yet something new about myself. And other things.

I wonder... what you you do...if you found out... you actually made a mistake. Would you stick it out and try to change it, live with it.... Or go hide in shame? Or be bold enough to stand up and say.. Damn... I did it again!!

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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.
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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:07:05 PM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		i make mistakes all the time...it gets easier to admit it everytime you do

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:07:54 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		you go girl!!!!!   i am not familiar with your situation, but to admit a mistake is a big deal.....and to learn from it is rare in most people.  Even mistakes are gifts, painful ones, but gifts!

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i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:11:50 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Hey, we all make them.  It takes a big person to admit it and you have nothing to  be ashamed of. It happens to all of us.

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:13:38 PM   
silvermuse


Posts: 259
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline 		We all make mistakes. My last one was in my life for 2.5 years. I found out since he walked out at 3am in the morning less than 2 weeks ago without even the courage to look me in the eye, that he'd been lying about me and cheating on me the entire time in various ways.

The heart doesn't always listen to sense, or see signs. The head can be easily overruled by the heart.

But you're doing something very honest and brave. You're standing up and saying I made a mistake.

Ashamed? That's up to you.

Personally with mine. I'm angry. Both at him and at myself.

It made me ashamed, for a few days, of being poly.

Then I stopped and remembered. I'm not the one at fault. I wasn't the coward who ran away to California to his new woman. I wasn't the one leeching off other people.

muse.

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There is darkness and there is evil, never mistake the two.

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:14:10 PM   
littlespicyone


Posts: 28
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		Kudos to you for seeing the problem and dealing with it in a decisive way.

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:15:18 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
Bottom line... should I be ashamed that my eyes were opened up a little too late?
No, you should be glad you did get them open and had the courage to get out of a relationship you did not want to be in. 
Ok, I screwed up. Learned yet something new about myself. And other things.
At least you got that much out of it.  I think it takes courage to admit you made a mistake and to have the gumption to get yourself out of a situation you find unbearable. 

I wonder... what you you do...if you found out... you actually made a mistake.
Well, IF I ever make one, I'll let you know.  I'm sure we've all made major mistakes.  Hiding, being ashamed, and not working through it can only be detrimental. 
Would you stick it out and try to change it, live with it
I stuck out 12 years in a vanilla (relationship then) marriage with an abusive, selfish, criminal jerk.  So would I do that again?  No way.  You can't change another person.  Write that down.  You CAN'T change another person. 
Or be bold enough to stand up and say.. Damn... I did it again!!
Here's a pat on the back for being willing to leave a situation that was negative for you and then for having the cajones to come here and lay it out.  Lord, let them be merciful to her.......slave luci


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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:17:25 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		There is no shame in admitting it's not going to work. 
Been there done that...........  My best to you.


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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:27:38 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		true sub,
The questions that I have are, what do you think was your mistake? When did you know you made it? How will you avoid it next time? Your answers to these questions will help you with a plan for your next attempt should you decide to make one.

The result may have been a mistake, but the attempt wasn't. If you "messed up" it wasn't in the attempt but in you preparation. Your description indicates that your expectations and his weren't on the same page. Maybe you didn't speak the same language or didn't have the same definition for the words being exchanged.

As you state, a relationship has nothing to do with labels. Slave/submissive are meaningless terms outside a relationship, and no two relationships are exactly alike.

You know yourself better for the experience. Be proud, not embarrassed of doing something most don't have the courage to attempt. If you found out the experience was better kept a fantasy it is an accomplishment. You learned more about yourself.

Congratulations! And good luck.

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:40:58 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Pretty much of what you wrote struck a very familiar cord with myself. I too had realized after my former Master's house as his 24/7 slave, when little things would crop up and start raising warning flags within myself. Though the months prior to this, we talked extensively and he was telling me the truth of how life would be, what wasn't said was the entire truth on exactly how this life would be for me. It was about a month into this relationship when things started to fall apart and my own eyes were fully opened to the fact that much of what we had discussed wasn't going to be. Especially with my own concerns, thoughts and fears which was to be worked through together.
   Through this experience I did learn much more about myself and this did clarify specifically what I was actually searching for and done an excellerated spurt of self growth. The experiences I went through was both a blessing and a curse in some areas. When I did see I make a mistake in allowing myself to be collared, I took steps to correct this and I left Master and removed his collar. Yes I could have remained and worked through this but once realizing this is not what I wanted and not what I needed, it made better sense to end it sooner then find out it was too late. I will always make mistakes regarding what I do in my life but I do the best to learn from the mistakes and have that guide me in any future situations.
   I don't believe that I made a stupid mistake, but I made an inappropiate decision which wsn't right for me. As long as I own up to my mistakes and learn from the experience, then I am a better person for it.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:43:41 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Well I have no clue as to what other s/n you posted under or your circumstances.however ,I am sorry that this has happened..as many will acknowledge, been there, done that...and please, please, please..spare me doing it again!!..but I am still thinkin "HE" has it out for me!!..LOL..Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 3:52:32 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		I've made lots of mistakes...Made one just today and made a note about it briefly in my journal. No details, just a little reminder for myself. It can sometimes take quite a while of repetition to finally learn the lesson once and for all - to get to the point where you pay closer attention to the signs and to your own reactions to things.

Yeah, I know the feeling...

MNN

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:18:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think shame is much useful, though it's natural to feel some.

But really, just notice your pattern and how you can change it in the future. 

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:24:01 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

true sub,
The questions that I have are, what do you think was your mistake? When did you know you made it? How will you avoid it next time? Your answers to these questions will help you with a plan for your next attempt should you decide to make one.



My mistake...was letting someone coax me into believing I could be... would be happier.. if I allowed myself to expand further than where I thought I was happy being at the time.

Before I got sick wit the cancer again, We talked of all these things. he said all  the right things. Showed pure patients with what was going on in my life, or so I thought. (Took another look in my archives from Yahoo) And when I returned, he just continued where he left off. Letting me know he was still there and waiting for me.

When did I first know... I think over a year ago when we first started talking...and arguing about who I was...am. I'm a submissive... he says a slave waiting to be brought out.

I'm not really sure what happened to be honest with you.. or myself. Oh i'm sure someone could "tell me" what happened. But that's only their opinion on what they think happened. Because I really honestly do not know. When I came back after the cancer, I was feeling life again. Ready to get back to my old ways. Ready to take on the world now that I lived through my personal crisis. And even thought when we started talking again full time. I kept seeing me saying no... not but kept saying.. ummmm ok. Like maybe I was willing to try... but in my willingness to try to please him.... I was forgetting about me.

Being a submissive...and or a slave.. to me.. this is my own personal opinion... doesn't mean.. I stop living. Doesn't mean I stop wanting, needing, crave... the relationship part of my slavery.  The more he spoke... the more he assured he loved me.. his gal.. his woman.. his slave..I didn't feel any of it.. I started feeling he loved his slave.. not the person.

As to what will I do in the future to avoid this again.... Stand firm. I know my limits. I know some will be able to be explored further.. but I also know what ones i'm determined to stand firm on.

Thanks MercnBeth... it's nice to be able to look further into myself when I read your questions. I'm still thinking about all this. And i'm sure I will be for awhile to come.

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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:24:13 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
Ok yes, this is a slight rant on my own stupidity again.


First of all, I'm glad you have your old name back. Not glad WHY you have it back, but this one is easy for me to recognize as you. Secondly, I don't see the stupidity that you see. I see someone who realized in a fairly short period of time that what you were in wasn't going to cut it for you. That's not stupid. Ok, you made some mistakes...maybe even ones you've made before...but some lessons are harder learned than others. Shame? I don't see a need. I say that you should only waste enough time that it takes for you to process it all and learn what you can from it. Then just let go of it and move forward. Oh yeah, and it's a lot easier to keep on walking if you're not having to stop every two steps to kick yourself.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/8/2007 4:28:13 PM >

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:37:06 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It's great you recognise you made a mistake. There's no shame in that. But your post is still full of the hurt you feel. That's understandable. Right now, the hurt is probably only allowing you to see a part of the picture. If you really want to learn from it, keep reviewing it so you get a fuller perspective as the pain subsides. I don't mean you should obsess over it. What I'm saying is that you will only get the full learning over time. Try not to think "I learned this..." and be done with it. There is more to come, and it will all be valuable.
Good luck!
:))
LH

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"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:47:13 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		This subject seems to topic that's been explored in some of my personal one-to-one interections with people lately.  

Two schools of thought in terms of sub/slaves.
  1. The slave is expected to cease to exist as a person, they are literally mental broken down, their self esteem is lowered, their will to want/need/desire is rip to shreds.  This Process done mainly through a lot of Negative Reinforcement and punishment.  The slave's self esteem, beliefs and everything is rebuilt using positive reinforcement after being torn to hell.
  2. The slave is encourge to do their best, they are mentally encourage, selt esteem is built, their will to want/need/desire to serve is tapped into and harnessed by the Master.  This Process is done through a lot of Positive Reinforvement and support.  This slave's self esteem, beliefs and everything is slowly altered in time.

These two schools of thought can be debated until the cows comes home.

We all here the little motto "A slave is a reflection of their Master"...  I have a few general comments based on this motto.
  • Slaves - do feel you make a good reflection of a master?
  • Masters - are your slaves a good reflection of yourself?

Out of Shape Masters expecting their sub/slaves to be athletic and well toned.  MMMmmm interesting eyebrow raising area if you ask me.  Kinds me of how people sometimes live their lives through other people.   "Do as I say, not as do kind of stuff".
  • As Master what kind of example do we set for our sub/slave and others around us? How does this build and reinforce respect in your sub/slave.
  • As for slaves what kind of examples do you follow from your Master?  How does this reinforce and build your respect for your Master.

Back to "Do as I say, not as I do" theme.  It's very similar to "Just do it, and I don't need to explain shit to you", or "Do it because I said so", or "Do it or else" tones.  Do this because I'm in charge.   Basically, where you just have to show respect for a Master regardless if you honestly respect them or not.   What is more important being truely respected or just shown respect?

What I find amazing is that there are sub/slaves that are looking for one or the other.  Yes, there are slaves that want to be torn down, ripped apart, to become nothing and reshaped through negative reinforcement.  They are craving for this.

There are many who are looking for a loving, nuturing path in being trained and reshaped by a Master.

These are issues that I don't feel get properly and honestly explored ahead of time.  If somebody lies that they do things one way and you find out it's the other. Shame on them.  They decieved you.

There is another school of thought, it's based on a mix of the two approches used by Masters in shaping/training a sub/slave. However, one is generally the primary technique that is used.

To the OP, you should not be ashamed that it was not working for you.  Better to end it sooner verses later.  If you are looking for a Loving Master/slave relationship, this is your quest and path in life.  Good thing you got out.  You were being fair to yourself, Fair to the Master, and fair to some other slave seeking what this master has to offer.  No shame at all, only praise for your actions. 

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 4:53:09 PM   
onmykneesforhim


Posts: 112
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HornyToadsMI

you go girl!!!!!   i am not familiar with your situation, but to admit a mistake is a big deal.....and to learn from it is rare in most people.  Even mistakes are gifts, painful ones, but gifts!


WOW, how nicely put. But I must be christmas with all the *gifts* I make..*s*
omk

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 5:10:19 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		My dear long lost friend---hell NO! I put his happy happy ass on the happy happy train back to CA---went out had a martini, went home, cried My eyes out ( I mean how could I have been soooo stupid)---stopped taking the anti depressants ane re-entered the world the Woman I once was, am and will always be----and this time I am NOT taking My eye of My desires, My goals, My dreams for anyone!
 
YOU are one of the strongest women I know--go wash your hair and him the hell out if it---pffffttt he should count himself grateful to have been in your presence.

 
How I have missed you----huge hugs!

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 6/8/2007 5:12:52 PM >

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RE: To Be Ashamed Or Not.... - 6/8/2007 5:21:53 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Hugs true.  I think most of us made some major mistakes in this lifestyle, and many of us have admitted them here on the forums. The important thing is to learn from them and move forward.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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