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Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:41:16 AM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

Recently I was speaking with some one that said they were looking for a relationship where there was respect, carring , honesty,  and eventually love if it would blossum. I read so many profiles that really you could put them on MAtch .com instead of here.
So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm.. Thank you for responding
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:49:02 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		beyond the love, care, respect etc.  I want someone who believes with every fiber of his being that he belongs to me.  He simply isn't my boyfriend or lover. He is my slave.  He knows that what I say goes and that he must maintain a certain amount of inherent respect for me and my wants, needs and opinions.  He doesn't always have to agree, but damn it, he better respect me.  This person will understand that sometimes I am going to strip him naked and to ugly and mean things to his body (fire, needles, knives, violet wands, rope, etc.)  I want someone who is going to feel comfy going to the places I like to go (dungeons, Leather Sins events, Shibaricon, IML).  I want someone who isn't afraid of his sexuality or mine.  He must be willing to explore almost everything....simply because "I wanna".  I want someone who understands that the power exchange is real and that it is not a game or only occurs in the bedroom.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:49:32 AM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		I will be interested to read the responses you get. 
For myself I was in one four year relationship that was D/s and one 13 year marriage that was vanilla.

My four year relationship was full of turmoil, off again on again, arguments, great sex, more turmoil, passion and even greater sex.  He was Dom,  I respected him and I was in love with him. We were compatible.  Like two puzzle peices fitting together.

My 13 year marriage was full of turmoil, avoidance, denial, and more denial.  We were very focused on the vanilla life goals and making progress and being sucessful.  I was never in love with my husband, there never was any passion or great sex.  I could not respect him, he is as vanilla as they come.  We were not compatible, like two puzzle peices from two different puzzle boxes.




(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:58:04 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I am not sure if I am going to respond to exactly what I think you are asking ....
 
BDSM is NOT relationship to me or U/us.  It is the sexual activity we engage in as Dominant and submissive.
 
We have a 24/7 D/s relationship.  He is in control 24/7 and makes me accountable for that time.  I am mindful I am to do what pleases him and obey him 24/7 which is my responsiblity.
We have a partnership based on his control and my obedience.
 
To his children.... we are a dating couple, vanilla
(altho his son is totally aware of his toy bag ) I supposed.  I dont dress like a slut (no panties no bra no short skirts) in public so I suppose from all appearances we are vanilla.  The ONLY difference is, I KNOW who is in control at all times.
 
Sir's property
 

< Message edited by shyinini -- 6/10/2007 6:59:08 AM >

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:58:19 AM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		I am startign to wounder if  one of the attractions here for many, is to find a person who adores them.I don't see that very often used as a term of desire. In a sub/dom realtionship, its understood that one has authority over the other even if'its only in their private life...But again, how differnt is that than the vanilla world in a relationship

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 6:58:50 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

Recently I was speaking with some one that said they were looking for a relationship where there was respect, carring , honesty,  and eventually love if it would blossum. I read so many profiles that really you could put them on MAtch .com instead of here


I think this is because most people desire the same things whatever they call themselves... the basics of love, respect, communication are not "vanilla" ideals, they are just what the average human being in our culture wants.

quote:

So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm.. Thank you for responding


At one time I thought that being involved with BDSM was a deal breaker and I could never return to being more vanilla. I do not make statements like this anymore... to be honest, I do not know. I only know that in my current relationship it is very much Ds. If we were suddenly not together anymore, I am not sure how I would feel to be honest... the so-called vanilla attributes of love, respect, kindness, and honesty are worth much more to me than a good beating. I am glad that my current relationship proves that the two are not mutually exclusive.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 7:05:38 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

I am startign to wounder if  one of the attractions here for many, is to find a person who adores them.I don't see that very often used as a term of desire. In a sub/dom realtionship, its understood that one has authority over the other even if'its only in their private life...But again, how differnt is that than the vanilla world in a relationship


Those who are not submissive to the core of their being, says my Sir, but role play submission, do not understand control of the mind heart and will 24/7.
 
Sir's property

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 7:05:57 AM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I think some of it may be how people adjust their wants and needs to a target audience. For example, I'm pretty sure I can find someone here who wants me to beat and whip them, or who wants to serve me, or who wants to give me a pedicure. But can I find a person who wants all that and who likes my non-scene interests? In the case of a long-term relationship, trust, honor and love play as big a role (or bigger) as interests skills and hard limits do. But I think it makes more sense for me to find a kinky person and then see if their "vanilla" side appeals to me as well, vs. finding a vanilla person and trying to talk them into something that isn't a part of them.

(This post would probably make much more sense if I had some coffee.)

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 7:18:16 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I don’t know what the intent is of those getting into it, but BDSM play will lead to more of an omnipresent power transfer connection. After a Dom and sub have played together for awhile and, eventually, moved into a D/s relationship, the sub will become dependent on the Dom because of the emotional return she gets from being able to trust him as her BDSM needs grow. This return increases her desire for him and it is a real power he has over her that will be present all the time. He will be the only one she can reach a certain level of BDSM play with because of the familiarity and the trust. Thus he can order her to do things and she will in an attempt to please him in order to strengthen the connection. This power he has over her is intoxicating to him also and the D/s dynamic grows.

As time goes on, she will follow his orders more and take less responsibility for what she does seeking the larger goal of pleasing her Dom. Of course this could be a peril if both can’t compartmentalize the relationship and keep the sub’s best interests in mind. The moral of all this is that she should find a Dom who gives her less reason to have to compartmentalize because the D/s dynamic will inevitably grow stronger as the BDSM play takes hold.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 7:35:14 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini



Here's a little quiz.

If it is true that those who are not submissive to the core of their being do not understand control of the mind heart and will 24/7, can we conclude that, either:

A. your Sir is submissive to the core of his being

or

B. your sir does not understand control of the mind heart and will 24/7?




(in reply to shyinini)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:01:57 AM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

 
In the past, I have based my answer to this question on my past vanilla relationships; in which, I was an equal in standing partner.
 
More recently, I met someone who had been in a D/s relationship, until he lost his sub, but had no idea what the technical term was for what they were doing, while they were doing it.
 
I still hold that the difference is in the dynamic, the power exchange, which creates an energy flow.
 
quote:

So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm..
 
 
I think of the kink as, similar to hitting a turbo charge button in a car.
 
Sincerely,
 
k

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:10:49 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

I am startign to wounder if  one of the attractions here for many, is to find a person who adores them.I don't see that very often used as a term of desire. In a sub/dom realtionship, its understood that one has authority over the other even if'its only in their private life...But again, how differnt is that than the vanilla world in a relationship


This may or may not be a bit of a tangent...but you decide OP.

I love Robert.  He is my slave.  He provides everything I need in a slave.  My husband provides everything I need in a husband.  (FYI husband came before the slave)  I am a lucky lucky woman, no two ways about it. 

The first time the word "adore" was used between Robert and I was when I told him that I adore him.  In saying this, Robert immediately went into a head space.  He got cramps, and felt cold but was warm, his head spun...and he felt tranquil and peaceful. 

He had never in his life of 40 some odd years been told that he was adored.  It struck him in such a way and still does today because he knows I mean it.  He never asked me to say this, he never said wah wah "no one ever told me they adore me".  He didn't have a profile that reads in any way shape or form that he requires or needs something very particular in the way of love or adoration.  It was a natural progression for me to tell him this because it is how I feel.  Adoring him is easy because he's amazing.  Robert didn't come here looking for someone to adore him.  He came here in search of someone who wants his serving capabilities and that wouldn't force feed him olives or liver (read his profile to get the joke).

Beyond what I mention in my last post to this thread:  I came here to find someone who could appreciate my want for control and my love of extreme sensory play. I personally must be able to love you or I do not want you.  I simply can't seperate feelings from BDSM.  That's why I don't "go pro". 

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:19:43 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think it's so much a this thing vs that thing type of deal for me.  I know that in order to be happy, I needed the 24/7 M/s part of my life to exist....I do/did however want to be loved, cared for, respected....blah, blah, blah....

There is no reason an M/s relationship cannot require those things.  I know there are some that don't, but that is the great thing about having so many people to search through...you can find your match.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:20:22 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

What is really the difference for many out here looking for ltr when you compare relationships in the Vanilla world.

Recently I was speaking with some one that said they were looking for a relationship where there was respect, carring , honesty, and eventually love if it would blossum. I read so many profiles that really you could put them on MAtch .com instead of here.
So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in finding a realtionship for the longterm.. Thank you for responding


I have one vanilla relationship. I don't want more.

While what you state above is a good foundation for any relationship for me what truly sets about Ds from vanilla is the conscious decision by each party to maintain and support an established authority dynamic.

How is this different?

In my house, the spouse and I may argue about what needs to be done or we might just have a discussion. We may consult each other or inform each other of what we are doing but we don't feel the need to clear or get permission. This can lead to problems in terms of scheduling things though we do have a "family calendar" that everyone is supposed to write on. That's the vanilla relationship.

In my house, the slave and I do not argue -- ok, maybe a 1% chance we might argue but frankly I can't remember the last either of us raised a voice or or strongly disagreed. Fox clears his schedule with me in terms of time with friends and even when making plans with his family. His job is in the schedule all ready as are private times for him after I go to bed at night. That's the Ds relationship.

That's how it works at my place in my relationships.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:55:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The only difference inherently really is the authority dynamic set up, often as the foundation for the relationship itself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 8:57:29 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		In terms of BDSM lifestyle relationships, I've come to the mindset about it,  That it the involves the conscious awareness and practice of at least one area of BDSM betweew two people.     

The foundation of the relationship does not has to be based upon D/s, at least this is what I believe based on my experience and the experiences others have shared on this message board.   How do Dom Couples function after all? How to two switches have a relationship together.

I believe it's a wonder thing to be D&S conscious and aware, in any BDSM relationship.  You can understand and work out Power Exchanges involved between two, instead of mindlessly fight for it like a pair of unknowing vanilla heads.  Who is in control of what aspects of what in the relationship.   Not everybody does TPE (total power exchange).   

I believe there are a number of people online here that have PPE (partial power exchange) relationships, I respect the fact that they have worked things out with their partners on the levels they have.

I try not to analyze this too much, but I've noticed a few people on the Message Board that do have TPE, a large number that are PPE along with an equal number of people I could not comment one way or another on. 

I don't believe for a moment that D/s is the BE ALL END ALL in terms of relationship structures in the BDSM lifestyle.  There is a difference between D/s and D&S.  Many people are typing D/s to indicate a relationship structure.  It took me a bit before I saw the light of day that D/D (Dom couples) relationship fall under D&S.  Just remove the S.  

Compare it to S&M, and think in terms of pair of Non Sadistic Masochists getting together and playing.  I feel if we all did a better job at sperating the concepts of BDSM at times, we'd have a better understanding of others in the community as a whole.

D/s has becomes so over emphasized at times, that many people falsely believe they have to have to it,  to have a BDSM life and not be considered vanailla.

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 11:04:37 AM   
simplewhispers


Posts: 232
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

I will be interested to read the responses you get. 
For myself I was in one four year relationship that was D/s and one 13 year marriage that was vanilla.

My four year relationship was full of turmoil, off again on again, arguments, great sex, more turmoil, passion and even greater sex.  He was Dom,  I respected him and I was in love with him. We were compatible.  Like two puzzle peices fitting together.

My 13 year marriage was full of turmoil, avoidance, denial, and more denial.  We were very focused on the vanilla life goals and making progress and being sucessful.  I was never in love with my husband, there never was any passion or great sex.  I could not respect him, he is as vanilla as they come.  We were not compatible, like two puzzle peices from two different puzzle boxes.






I know exactly how you feel , for me it has been 20 years of exactly what you described in the later post..

_____________________________

A silent woman is always more admired than a noisy one.
Season your admiration for a while With an attent ear. . .

simplewhispers

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 11:57:27 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

Recently I was speaking with some one that said they were looking for a relationship where there was respect, carring , honesty,  and eventually love if it would blossum. I read so many profiles that really you could put them on MAtch .com instead of here.
So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm.. Thank you for responding

For me it's both the kink and mental levels combined.  BDSM is a deal breaker for me for a long term relationship.  The kink has to be there, and some form of mental bond or connection established.  A mutal awareness of BDSM between me and another.  Relationship dynamics are something that's simply worked out according to personalities, beliefs, desires and all the other fun stuff. 

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 2:38:46 PM   
Goodforitall


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline 		The only relationship I've ever been involved in involving BDSM took place this last year.  BDSM wasn't what attracted us to eachother, we had a lot of common interests and enjoyed spending time together as friends first.  When we started getting physical she encouraged me to choke/slap/insult her.  This was my first time being dominant but it was a huge rush.  As we went on our original feelings of love and respect didn't lessen, I loved nothing more than sneaking up behind her and giving her a surprise kiss or hug.  On the surface we were a perfectly normal couple.  But in a physical respect it was an entirely different world, in bed I was in charge, or taking her outside during a party ato give me what I want. 

It was exactly what both of us wanted.  We were happy, in love, and having great sex several times a day.  In fact, I'm the only reason I'm looking for someone new is there was an unfortunate situation taking her across the world away from me, and it doesn't look to be changing back anytime soon.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 3:24:29 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

I never have compared/never do compare what it is we do to anything 'outside vanilla'.
 
quote:

So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm
 
I am not here 'looking' as I already belong to Darcy - However BDSM is a part of our relationship - but it doesn;t 'define' us or me - we define who and what we are as people.  For me, it is a part of what I am anyway.  Again, as I always mention - BDSM relationships are only different from vanilla ones to the extenet that all relationships are different - BDSM relationships are no better, no more intense, no more 'special' - they are just a different dynamic of relationship,
 
Peace
the.dark.


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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