Asking Permission

Asking Permission (Full Version)

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kyraofMists -> Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:35:11 AM)
A thread in the Ask a Master section a few days ago highlighted the difference between my relationship and the way it appears that other relationships are and I thought I would start this thread to see if my perceptions are accurate. I know variations of this topic have been done before and I have read many of them and participated in others, but I am sure there are many others that I have missed. In my life I am required to ask for permission if there is something that I decide I want. He has the authority over when, where, how and if my wants will be fulfilled. The only way for him to have that authority is if he knows what my wants are. In asking permission I am actively transferring authority to him. In not asking for permission I am taking authority away from him. If the answer is no, I am to accept it gracefully without having an emotional breakdown. Disappointment is allowed to be expressed, but appropriate behavior has to be maintained. I tend to get a thrill out of being told no that it usually balances out the feelings of disappointment anyway. My perception of some others is that a submissive asking for things they want is discouraged by the dominant or refrained from by the submissive for one reason or the other. What are your thoughts on submissives asking permission to have the things they want? Is it encourage or discouraged and what is the motivation for that choice? Knight's kyra

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:40:14 AM)
to me, the asking permission thing is just so normal, in this lifestyle and out of it. i come from a traditional bunch, where the men were the ruler of the household, and had the final say so on everything. but they also treasured their wife and wanted her to be happy when it was possible for them to make that happen. no matter if it is attached to D/s, M/s, or vanilla, someone(imho anyhow) has to be in charge of things. so i see youre life as completely normal in every way. and i agree-no one can read minds so being able to tell your desires is completely normal too.

earthycouple -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:43:09 AM)
I would never stop Robert from asking for something. I mentioned this on another post. When he was called back to PA earlier in the week he wanted to go right then and there, I wanted him to wait until he had a full night's rest. I chose what I felt to be the best option. He had to get food in his system, collect himself, take a shower to wake up, fill himself with caffeine, call me during the drive and stop if he started getting drowsy. He later told me that he probably would have begged to leave that night had I not decided the above, even though he knows my word is my word. He said he would have sulked as well because of his "wrong" feelings toward my decision. Had Robert not expressed his need/want to leave immediately he would have not left until the following morning per my want. His ability to express how he feels and knows it is "safe" to do so, helped me make a decision that we could both appreciate. I would never ever tell him I don't care or don't want to know what he is thinking, feeling or needing. What I do with that information is entirely up to me and he understands this.

Milivoje -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:43:22 AM)
When my slave asks me for something, she gives me information. Information on what she wants and or needs. I will decide if she will get what she wants or not. To cut it short, I encourage her to ask. My decision to give something or not is usually followed by an explanation if the item in question is new or never discussed before.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:44:28 AM)
Well you already know my method is yours- the owner needs to have all the relevant information in order to make the best choices and effectively wield their authority. A lot of subs have problems letting go of thing and by ordering them to openly say what they want rather than allow their insecurities to dictate what gets shared, it reinforces the dynamic AND fosters open communication- something most people in the scene would say is kinda important. That being said, the issue is more when the slave decides for themselves whether they will talk or ask or whatever rather than the master authorizing the behavior. If the slave and the master have had this discussion already and the master has said "I do not want you to ask about this again" then obviously, it shouldn't be brought up again.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:45:02 AM)
if i want to meet or date, Daddy's permission is required because He has the finally say ...if it's not work-related (like attending a fetish party), His permission is required also since He will establish strict rules and guidelines like not participating as a public pain slut. however there are times when i don't ask His permission (ie shopping for me) but i do tell Him what i bought or what i did.

juliaoceania -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:53:04 AM)
Hmmmm, I do not think we have ever had this conversation. When I am not with him I do not ask him for what I want. There are many things I want, from a frozen yogurt (which I rarely indulge) on my break from work, to going swimming on a day off, to going dancing at the farmer's market. I do not ask permission for these things... although if he told me not to do any of them I wouldn't do it. I have trouble indulging my wants... he is more than likely to order me to get something I want than I am to ask for it as far as buying new things. It is not something I would have trouble doing, since I am my own worst task master as far as not satisfying my desires for "things". There are things I need that I put off getting, much less want. I am of the opinion that my physical needs are few, my wants are many... and it makes me wonder what sort of "wants" you are talking about. He would probably be more generous with my "wants" versus "needs" list if I were going to make one up. He would probably think many of the things I think of as wants are actually needs This thread could possibly spark a conversation between us that would be interesting to have... and it has been a long time since anything I have read here has sparked a conversation about D/s between us... thanks krya.

Politesub53 -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 9:57:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I tend to get a thrill out of being told no that it usually balances out the feelings of disappointment anyway. Knight's kyra Hi Kyra. i am curious as to if you ever ask for something, just for the thrill of being told no ? i could see how that would work to reinforce ones submissiveness, if that makes sense. i would think that many Dominats like the idea of being responsible for what is or isnt good for the submissive, for much the same reason. Also they can say no to soething, such as some new shoes you like, then at a later date tell you to go and buy them. Either as a reward, or better still as a pleasant suprise. There is also the element of never knowing if you will be told yes or no, which in my view adds to the excitement. For me there would need to be a deep level of trust before i asked permission for everything. Although in time i would be fine with it. That said, you seem very content with the idea and i see nothing wrong in it. [;)]

meticulousgirl -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:00:48 AM)
I think asking permission is common but not every set up within the lifestyle has asking permission for things structured into it. In a previous setup I had to ask permission for everything, even if I was away from my Owners, to have a cigarette, to go to the bathroom, alot of things. If I broke the structure, I had to confess it, and would be punnished. Now in my current setup there really isn't rules or structure so I dont need to ask permission for much. The main one is if I want to just go hang out with a friend, I have to ask permission first. I think it's more the fact that He just wants to know what I'm doing and if He needs to talk to me about something He can do it before I head off to whomevers house or whatever resturaunt or bar I'm meeting her at (which isn't often honestly).

kyraofMists -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:18:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania This thread could possibly spark a conversation between us that would be interesting to have... and it has been a long time since anything I have read here has sparked a conversation about D/s between us... thanks krya. My pleasure, Julia. I debated not starting this thread because I wasn't sure of the value that it would have; that just made it worthwhile. It really could be any possible want that the submissive has and I suppose that it varies depending on what aspects of the submissives life that the dominant has authority over. He has authority in all aspects of my life, so his permission is needed on anything that he has not delegated back to me. This includes money that is spent and activities that I do. Though it is not as restrictive as it might sound since I get an approved monthly budget and I have an approved weekly schedule and these things encompass much of the things that I want in my life. Knight's kyra

kyraofMists -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:21:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross That being said, the issue is more when the slave decides for themselves whether they will talk or ask or whatever rather than the master authorizing the behavior. If the slave and the master have had this discussion already and the master has said "I do not want you to ask about this again" then obviously, it shouldn't be brought up again. Yes, I think that is the issue. I had to get over that in the beginning and it certainly helped me get past my hangups about it when he told me that I was retaining authority in the relationship by doing this.

mbes -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:28:41 AM)
In general, permission is assumed unless I've been told otherwise.

juliaoceania -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:32:45 AM)
quote: It really could be any possible want that the submissive has and I suppose that it varies depending on what aspects of the submissives life that the dominant has authority over. He has authority in all aspects of my life, so his permission is needed on anything that he has not delegated back to me. This includes money that is spent and activities that I do. Though it is not as restrictive as it might sound since I get an approved monthly budget and I have an approved weekly schedule and these things encompass much of the things that I want in my life. Knight's kyra I think that the idea he has is blanket permission unless he states otherwise.

kyraofMists -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:34:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Politesub53 Hi Kyra. i am curious as to if you ever ask for something, just for the thrill of being told no ? i could see how that would work to reinforce ones submissiveness, if that makes sense. No, actually I don't and it hasn't crossed my mind to do that. I think in part because if I ask for what I want, I will often be asked a series of questions that show him I have actually put thought into wanting it. If I am craving that little tug on the leash, I try to let him know directly. It would be quite frustrating to ask hoping for a no and then be told yes g Knight's kyra

Politesub53 -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:41:33 AM)
i feel there is a way to ask permission to indicate the urgency of the situation as well. Rather than a simple " Please may i ? " For example, one could ask " i really need to go visit my family, if that would be okay " as against " may i go and visit my family please ? " The fact of having to ask for everything is a constant reminder of the whole power exchange for me. [;)]

daddysprop247 -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:43:14 AM)
very interesting topic kyra. i can understand, by the way you express it here, why your Master has the rules in places he does regarding you and alandra asking permission for all of your wants and his motivations for such. in the house i am required to do something similar, ask permission for things that are truly wanted. however the difference is that he never wants my focus to be on personal wants and desires, so that i only come to him and ask permission for a personal want after much reflection...i should think these things: is this something i truly want, that i will be sad without? is this something i deserve, given my conduct and attitude in the recent week/s? is this something that would not conflict in any way with my Master's desires or ways?...if the answer to all of these things is yes, then i go ahead and ask. otherwise the thought/desire is to be tossed away as a selfish trifle and forgotten.

Politesub53 -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:43:23 AM)
Lol i can see begging for a harder spanking hoping you would be told no, could really backfire.

charlotte12 -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 10:58:32 AM)
I can't speak from a lot of experience but i wouldn't think that a relationship in which a submissive is not encouraged to express her wants and needs would work out all that well. In all my vanilla relationships i've often have a hard time giving myself persmission to meet my own needs and by giving Him that responsibility while maintaining the responsibility of speaking up which in itself is hard for me to do i've felt a new kind of strength and self-confidence in even just the last few weeks. I imagine a dynamic in which the submissive is not verbal about what she wants would work for some but i know now it would never work for me. Oh and i get that little thrill at being told no sometimes too. I've finally come to realize that the craving for that feeling does not mean i'm craving dissapointment but that i crave the knowledge of His power. I'm looking forward to when i get the same feeling when He says yes because i'm still pretty new and am still getting used to the idea of Him owning both my pain and pleasure as He likes to put it. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m9.gif[/image] ~charlotte

EvilGeoff -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 1:21:33 PM)
My slave, while being my property, is still a human being with feelings, thoughts, needs and desires. From my perspective as janey's Owner, I want her to be able to express her these things without worry, without feeling like she has to walk on eggshells lest she anger or displease me. I am a firm believer that by accepting the surrender of authority and power she has made to me, I also accepted the responsibility of meeting her needs. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I have tools I use, a car, a lawn mower, a dog... they require regular care and maintenance to function properly, to do the jobs I need doing. People need care and maintenance too. Why would I not take proper care of my slave, most prized and valued of my possessions? If I don't take care of her, eventually she will not be able to care for me. THAT would be a rather foolish course of action for MY long term pleasure and contentment, don't you think? I don't want to be training and re-training replacement slaves every couple of years, n'est pas? Not being equipped with the Mind Reader Gene, I require my slave to tell me of her wants and needs. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nuff said! - Geoff

Domspaintoy -> RE: Asking Permission (6/10/2007 1:32:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists What are your thoughts on submissives asking permission to have the things they want? Is it encourage or discouraged and what is the motivation for that choice? Knight's kyra Hi kyra, i also have to ask permission for things i may want, Master is very firm in this stance and if i were to go ahead without permission granted then id have to suffer the consquences however harsh. Also doesnt necessarily mean He will grant permission, there have been times when ive been convinced it would be granted and it hasnt. i must also say i love that i have to ask for things that i may want, it is all part of His control of me and my life, its the way its meant to be [:D] Dtp.

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