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Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:13:22 AM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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       So I had a call from a cousin who is also one of my dearest friends not so long ago. A whole series of them actually. My phone went off while I was in a meeting, and signaled that a message had been left. Then it buzzed 5 more times in the next ten minutes. I caught a break and called him back, a little bit concerned.

      Nobody had died. He was high (weed, speed, and whiskey, his cocktail of choice) and in a panic mode because the job he was applying for was sending him to take a drug screen he couldn't pass. I don't think he had slept for a couple days. He'd already rescheduled the test for the next day, so the crisis was past.

       It was a long conversation when I got home. He'd already lost one job in the two months he's been back in our home city. They might have let him get away with a no-show for a funeral, but he'd been late three times in his first month and the job market is very competitive up there.

      There wasn't any point in telling him he needs to clean up. He knows that. He's been to rehab twice in the past and now he sees a shrink. What's ironic is that before the first trip to rehab, he was a completely functional pothead with a family and a decent job.  His wife got religion and demanded he start changing. It didn't work.

     There isn't much I can do. I'm not going to cut off contact. If he were to show up at my door, he'd be welcome to my couch for a few days (if he was serious about drying out, I'd probably give him a couple weeks on the air mattress). My Magic Eight Ball says he's most likely going to hit a rocky bottom.

      I'm not really looking for advice on this one. He and I have been close our whole lives and there are a lot of factors and details I've left out.

      I'm just curious how others have dealt with addicts in their lives.  Has there come a time when you simply accepted the choices they have made and keep the best relationship you can?

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

Post #: 1

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:29:36 AM

popeye1250

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Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
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I have a brother who's a drunk. He lost everything.
I haven't seen him in 5 years and don't want to even if he were to sober up.
He's not a "happy drunk" if you know what I mean.
I know people who have members of their family who are drug addicts which is worse in my opinion.
Druggies have to steal to support their habits. And that can take a lot of money.
A drunk can buy a $12 bottle of vodka and stay drunk for two days, two days for a druggie might cost $500-$600.
When they need to steal that much money to stay high it can get dangerous.
I just don't get involved with people like that because they'll take advantage of you every single time.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 2

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:34:38 AM

Level

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J. was my best friend for over 20 years. He and I did a lot of shit together, some good, some bad. One of the bad things was enjoying pills, a little too much. I saw the warning signs, and quit, he didn't. He got to the point where he was taking 10 or 15 somas, or a handful of Vikaden, daily. He came over to the apartment one day, and almost hit a neighbor's car. Long story short, I told him to not come back until he got his head out of his ass. I didn't see him again for about two years, until one day at work, I got a phone call. He was in jail, and begged me to bond him out. Against my better judgement, I did. I was cold towards him, I guess, ignoring his offer of going to visit him, and laughing when he said he'd pay me back the bond money. About three months later, he died.

I did the best I could to be his friend, I honestly believe that, but I still wonder what I could have done differently, sometimes.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 3

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:42:40 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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I chose to end the relationships I had with a very close friend and also with my ex because of their alcoholism. They chose to continue on their alcoholic paths and be toxic, poisonous people. I chose to stop allowing them to spill their toxins and poisons onto my life.

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 4

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:43:48 AM

ElectraGlide

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Joined: 11/25/2005
From: Maryland
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I cant deal with drunks and drug addicts anymore, even if they are family and friends. I just distance myself from them so I dont have to see the destruction they put themselves through. It feels like a cold thing to do, but you need your sanity. You only end up being a litter box for them, if you allow your self to be there every time they need you. They have burned their bridges with every body they know.

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www.starhillcreations.com

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Post #: 5

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:48:31 AM

gooddogbenji

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Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
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I cannot change other people, I can only change my surroundings.

Drugs is a battle that is very hard to win. I think I may be able to, but I can't do so for someone else. Therefore, if they want to get clean, they have to do it on their own.

If they do, glad to see them again. If they don't, I have other friends.

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:54:16 AM

MistressNoName

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Honestly, I think it depends upon the addict and the particular situation. It's all gray area to me. I have two nieces who are addicts. One who stole money from me and used my credit card. I refused to have any contact with her until she was able to at least acknowledge what she had done. Prior to that she would not even admit she had done it, even when I confronted her point blank with evidence I had that clearly pointed toward her. The other niece I haven't spoken to in months and have no intention to because she is simply in denial of her addiction and the impact it is having.

My sister and brother are both recovering addicts. I never cut ties with either of them, but since they have both been in recovery our relationships have become closer...before they were mostly superficial.

It can be a tough call, and like I said, it all depends.

MNN

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 7

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 10:57:50 AM

GoddessDustyGold

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From: Arizona
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I had a "J" also, who was a bi-polar alcoholic and drug addict. In all honestly, I did not know about the drug addicted part when we met, he was a recovering alcoholic and was on his meds for the bi-polarism. What a guy! I truly loved him.
Then he went off his meds...then he went off the wagon. I struggled, thinking that he loved Me also and that together we could beat it and keep him on a healthy track. In rehab, out of rehab, in rehab, out of rehab. I was a wreck.
The day he was half looped and thought it would be cute to play a game and have Me find his hidden surprise in a zipped portion of a jacket collar, was the day I left. It was a needle, and I realized I could not do this anymore. I had to be honest with Myself and know that I was just another crutch and enabler, and I did not want to be in that role any longer.
He is dead now. Found after 4 days. Death due to lack of insulin and food. Yes, he had developed diabetes too.
I too wonder if there was something else I could have done, but I have to live with the fact that there wasn't. He was on this path to self-destruction as some are, and his main focus in life was to "feel good", regardless of the expense to himself and others he "loved".
One of the purposes of Al-anon is to assist those living with alcoholics and addicts in coping with either the disease or making the decision that is is alright to leave the relationship without guilt. I left and I will never allow Myself to be put into that position again. It was very hard, and I don't want to deal with it.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

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Post #: 8

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 12:12:28 PM

TheHeretic

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From: California, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250
two days for a druggie might cost $500-$600.

That's pretty much a myth, Popeye. A druggie with the resources could easily spend that much on cocaine and designer drugs, but the blue-collar drugs like methamphetamine and marijuana are dirt cheap. He probably maintains his permanent buzz on about $15 a day.

I'd have no worry about him stealing from me and even those who have severed ties have never accused him of it. Not paying back loans is another matter entirely, but if I hand him money, it's a gift.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 9

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 12:18:48 PM

imthatacheyouhav

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Joined: 4/16/2007
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I was a junkie for a LONG time...my husband stuck with me...i was in rehab 3 times before i got it through my thick skull....i wish i could tell you something definitive...but i dont have the answers...i'm just glad i'm alive

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*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 10

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 1:04:14 PM

LadyEllen

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Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
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USD 500-600 a day sounds a bit steep to me too, I have to say; heroin is about USD 10-00 a go here at the moment - presumably because we're doing such a good job in Afghanistan.... even ten hits a day wouldnt be that expensive.

Some may recall my alcoholic neighbour, about whom I have posted a few times in the past year. I did my best, I did try very hard for four years. I got to the bottom of it all with him and we got close to the extent that there's things I know about him that no one else knows and I'm the only one he will ever cry in front of. I tried so hard because he was worth fighting for - a genuinely intelligent guy, educated, talented and with huge potential. Not what most would think of the average alcoholic, and maybe not the average alcoholic either.

But it was all for nothing. Yes, he stopped several times in those four years, but always returned to it. Because even though I got to the very root of the problems he has that led him to drink in the first place, it still ultimately failed because those problems were such that he couldnt deal with them, and the chemical fog was far preferable.

Then something more occurred from which it wasnt possible to continue our acquaintance apart from at a distance. As inspired by chemicals as it might have been - both his booze and his then girlfriend's heroin, it came straight from the same roots as what led him to drink in the first place. I couldnt deal with it and wont risk it again, which may make me a heartless bitch to some, but is the only sensible way forward.

E

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In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

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Post #: 11

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 1:12:28 PM

TheHeretic

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Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

That's the outcome I'm hoping for, Ache. I know very well that people can be down for a long time and still pull it back together.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)

Post #: 12

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 1:51:04 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

it still ultimately failed because those problems were such that he couldnt deal with them, and the chemical fog was far preferable.
E

I sometimes wonder if this isn't why my cousin's drug and alcohol problem has become progressively worse since he started the rehab thing. Rather than being the bad experiences of a survivor, they have become the excuses of a victim.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to LadyEllen)

Post #: 13

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 5:37:56 PM

Arpig

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Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

Has there come a time when you simply accepted the choices they have made and keep the best relationship you can?

Yes. In the end it is their choice how they live or die

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 14

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 7:37:49 PM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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from the time i was in my early teens i was dealing with many people all around me who were alcoholics and addicts. i left because of the chaos at 17 - actually move 3000 miles across the country, but i eventually returned home to ny. i tried for years to help all of them. So many chaotic, dysfunctional, dangerous, hurtful, traumatic stuff happened and all my efforts got me was misery. i eventually pushed them all from my life, after i had my first child i would not allow it in my life in any way shape or form, i wasn't exposing my child to such dysfunction.

i hadn't seen my sister in 6 years - she's a 35 year alcoholic, but more a binge drinker not an everyday drinker - but when she does go on a bender you can't be in her path. Made the mistake of allowing her back in my life 2 years ago because i felt bad for her daughter, she and my daughter are like sisters and they missed each other. The first year back with my sister was ok - but the chaos and misery these kinds of people feel cannot be contained or dealt with unless they want to make the changes. i once had to call an ambulance for her (before the 6 year split we had) and she was taken to the ER and spent time in a psych ward - i took care of her daughter during that time or she would have gone with social services - i thought that experience was behind us and understood as we had talked it out. How wrong i was. Last Oct my sister was spending the weekend with me - she had her bottle with her hidden i had no idea) and got drunk... i was in a shakey emotional state over something that had happened to my daughter that evening and my sister took this opportunity to call the police - show them my empty bottle of xanax and told them i swallowed the bottle, ran down the street and said i was going to kill myself. In reality i was sitting in my car trying to figure out how i was going to deal with her before my kids got back home, she had attacked me i had bruises and cuts all over me, which i showed to the cops, but that didn't seem to matter. Cops came, i tried to explain to them the situation but to make a long story short they had to take me to the hospital, cuffed, and in an ambulance - i demanded a blood test be done imediately - which showed 0 xanax in my blood - got home the nexy day and she had stolen 500 dollars, and a few very prized possessions of mine - didn't realize they were missing till a few weeks later. That wasn't the end of her wrath - called CPS - made up all kinds of lies about me, called the health dept with more lies regrding my house etc etc.... All i can say is never again ever will i allow anyone i think is even remotely addicted to anything near me. They cannot be helped unless they want the help. It's a hard decision to cut everyone out but when the memories come up of who they were and i feel sad, i have to remind myself - that's not who they are anymore. Addicts will only bring misrey and dysfunction to your home and life - IF you allow it. i learned my lesson the hard way.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 8:20:20 PM

gooddogbenji

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From: Toronto
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic
I sometimes wonder if this isn't why my cousin's drug and alcohol problem has become progressively worse since he started the rehab thing. Rather than being the bad experiences of a survivor, they have become the excuses of a victim.

I think that's the key to a huge number of problems these days. As soon as addiction, depression, obesity, and mouthbreathing become an illness, the sick ones expect others to solve it, be it rehab, meds, diets, surgery, or whack o'the head.

Really, rehab is very little beyond detox and forced self control, with some counselling thrown in. You could do the same, or similar, at home. However, rehab is someone else solving your problem. It's easier.

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 16

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 8:28:50 PM

Gauge

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Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

I'm just curious how others have dealt with addicts in their lives. Has there come a time when you simply accepted the choices they have made and keep the best relationship you can?

I speak from the addict point of view as well as the one with an addict in their lives. I see no difference in addictions to drugs or alcohol, they both have the same base cause.

You have no choice but to accept the choices of your friend because there is damn little, if anything, you can do to save him from himself. The question you must ask yourself is if you are willing to tolerate the visible destruction he is creating. You may well watch your friend destroy everything and everyone around him. Can you handle watching someone do that? It is easy to answer yes to that question but it may not be that easy to actually do it.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I was a tornado that left a wake of destruction of friends, family and pretty much everything I had ever worked for in my life. I was killing myself and I knew it. It took rock bottom to stare me blankly in the face and offer me life or death in order to wake me the fuck up and realize what it was I was doing. I am sober 7 years in August and I never looked back the day I put down the bottle.

The pain and heartbreak that I caused my loved ones is something I must own. I did it... when I quit all I could hope for was that they could eventually find it within themselves to forgive me. I am truly blessed in that most of them did.

Be there for your friend. If you cannot deal with the horror that will eventually happen then let him know that you will be there to support him when he is ready to sober up. I am so thankful that I had friends that really were there when I needed them to lean on as I repaired the shambles that was my life.

I do wish you luck. If you need to talk more, email me on the other side.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 17

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 8:40:24 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic
I sometimes wonder if this isn't why my cousin's drug and alcohol problem has become progressively worse since he started the rehab thing. Rather than being the bad experiences of a survivor, they have become the excuses of a victim.

I think that's the key to a huge number of problems these days. As soon as addiction, depression, obesity, and mouthbreathing become an illness, the sick ones expect others to solve it, be it rehab, meds, diets, surgery, or whack o'the head.

Really, rehab is very little beyond detox and forced self control, with some counselling thrown in. You could do the same, or similar, at home. However, rehab is someone else solving your problem. It's easier.

Rehab is detox in a relapse threat-free environment. If you do not come to grips with the problem and tackle the root cause of it you are doomed and would have spent the money better on more drugs or drink. Harsh? Yep.

I was the problem, not the booze. I had to change... the booze has no idea what it is and I refused to give it power over me anymore. Relapse happens because people make a choice, not because there is a power to the drugs they ingest. Sure there are physical and mental ramifications to substance abuse but the choice still remains firmly in the hands of the addict. If I want to stay sober I simply do not drink; then I must admit to myself that I need to change.

There is no great mystery to recovery. It is a choice. I make it every day now. I choose to live. For me, to drink again is to insure my own death.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 18

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 8:42:06 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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I don't see an automatic link between self-destructive behaviors and being intentionally destructive towards others. That kind of thing isn't in him.

Personal safety would have to take priority, but I think Arpig nailed it. Ultimately, it his choice and I can accept him or reject him for making it.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 19

RE: Sunday Morning Stories: Dealing with addicts - 6/10/2007 8:43:36 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

That's what I'm sayin', dude!

Congrats, though. That takes a lot. That really is mastering yourself.

Now if only you could get over your fear of bananas, life would be good.

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 20

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