Compromising on time together

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Compromising on time together

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Compromising on time together

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 12:18:08 PM

Treasure3

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

This is a general question. I know my Dom and I have to work this out for ourselves, but I am interested in hearing how others have worked this out.

I am in a long distance relationship, a five hour drive from door to door, and since we started seeing each other a year ago, I have always been the one to make the trip. I'm fortunate to have the time to see him as often as I want, but I'm feeling extremely frustrated because he only makes time to see me about once a month for about three days. We talk every day, often several times a day, for an hour or more at a time. He talks about wanting me in his life for the long haul and speaks of our relationship often. He knows I want to see him more often, ideally every other weekend, and he knows I am able to do just that. This is not a case of him being too busy because of work or other obligations, either; if that were the case, it would be much easier to feel more patient and understanding.

As the relationship gets even more intimate, I find my frustration level over this growing. I know I am the submissive, but both partners have to get their needs met, and this is becoming a need for me. Now, as I have already said, I know the answer is something we will have to work out together. I am just feeling out of sorts and lonely right now. I told him just today how much I wanted to see him again (It's been a week and a half since my last visit.) and was met with his most common response, "Well, we'll have to see about getting you back over here, and it will probably be sooner rather than later." That really doesn't help because it isn't followed by a time frame, and I know from the past year that I will hear variations of that for the next weeks until he decides he wants me to come see him again. Even if I knew it was going to be another month, at least I would know when. After a year, I don't understand why there can't be more consistency or some kind of schedule or something.

I'm curious how others have dealt with similar situations. All thoughts and insights are welcome.

Post #: 1

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 12:20:56 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Actions speak louder than words.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 2

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 12:37:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Yes, it would seem like the only thing keeping you guys from being together more is him.

I applaud you for discussing this before but you need more specific discussions- exactly where does he see your relationship in a few years? Exactly how often or how close does he want to see you?

Since it has been a year, I think I can cancel out his just wanting to take it slow before making a commitment.

Yes, you are the sub and yes, you'll obey him. But it's your choice also to decide if this situation will fulfill you both. It would be wrong to everyone to deny fulfillment out of sake of "being a good sub."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 3

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 1:06:56 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Your dominant seems to be suffering from a common cousin of 'Fear-O-Commitment.' He loves you, he wants you, he desires you, and he thoroughly enjoys the time you spend together. With such limited information, it seems he is enjoying this stagnant pond of an existance. It's comfortable, sustainable, and enjoyable. His heart is screaming "Grab her! Lock her in your basement and lick her all over!" but his mind is saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The desire to settle for a comfortable situation is normal. It's why my mother always eats Kashi cereal with Silk Milk (With two Equals) in the morning, and why my cell phone is on my desk, just to the right of the coaster, laying on top of my wallet. Most humans enjoy having a 'home base' where they can explore from. This doesn't mean that your dominant won't be overwhelmed by the desire to have you closer, just as it doesn't mean my mother will never go to Denny's to get a Lumberjack Slam.

The key problem here is not "Why doesn't my dominant want me closer?" The issue here is "What problems are there that cause my dominant to not want me closer?"

Perhaps it's money. Maybe he can't afford to pay for you to be in his life.
Perhaps he feels like having you there much more often will encroach on "Master Time" where he lays in a red leather chair and watch cartoons.
Perhaps he's secretly a switch and he has his Domme come in when you're not around.
Perhaps he doesn't truely love you. =( I doubt it's this.
Perhaps he has lots of emotional baggage and is afraid proximity will bring it out.
Perhaps he has dangerous ex-girlfriends in his town that would claw your eyes out.

The list goes on and on. The short version is, if you don't discuss it with him, you should buy some metaphoric chlorine tablets for your metaphoric stagnant pond. (As a green note, never use chlorine tablets in bodies of water that are not contained.)

Written with a sense of humor and satire, I suggest you speak with him. Being submissive doesn't mean you don't voice concerns and opinions. It just means you do it when appropriate and in a respectful manner.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 2:56:49 PM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

There's an old saying...Fish or cut bait... and thats never an easy place to be...those kinds of choices are heart wrenching

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 5

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 3:00:50 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

His heart is screaming "Grab her! Lock her in your basement and lick her all over!" but his mind is saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I can't even begin to tell you how many times my heart has screamed that. Or is that the voices in my head? Either way, I hear it a lot.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 6

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 6:10:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It sounds like the crux of the situation isn't compromise, really, but a current incompatibility in communication techniques. I hear you saying that you would feel more secure if he would schedule ahead when you will be spending time together. I hear you saying that, yes, more time would be nice, but you can deal with the time apart much better if you knew WHEN you could visit.

If this is true, I suggest telling him exactly what I've said above, then ask him how he feels about catering to what you are feeling is a need. Also, ask him why he is reluctant to schedule things...perhaps he's simply not a schedule oriented person or perhaps he LIKES keeping you wanting, so to speak.

He may say that the situation won't change because he likes it as it is. He may say that you aren't a "true" submissive if you need something like this. He may say that he didn't realize he was on the edge of harming you and he's willing to try a schedule in order to meet your needs. Once you know for sure, you can react accordingly, making sure that the relationship that you're in is healthy for you.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 7

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 6:32:12 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline

I am not clear on what his living situation is there. If he is free and clear, I fail to see what the problem is with his being more forthcoming in creating thr relationship by coming to see you, and also granting your very simple wish to just have some kind of predict and scheduling. After a year, if it were me, I'd be getting to "nut-cutting" as it were, if I wanted a real relationship I could count on. I would not issue ultimatum, but I would make it clear what my needs and standards are, and not wait for him to shit or get off the pot. Start looking. That may light a fire under his lazy ass.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 6:35:24 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

I have ran across a relationships that turned into this and simply couldn't take it because my needs weren't being met and there was no compromise from the other side.

You guys need a candid discussion about where your relationship is going. Maybe it's not going in the direction you think.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 9

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 6:49:23 PM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

It's not a pleasant suggestion to make, nor a happy possibility to face, but perhaps he's just not truly ready for a serious relationship. It sounds as if he's happy when he's with you, but maybe he just doesn't feel any emotional attachment when you aren't there. Sort of "out of sight, out of mind"... an emotional ambivalence, if you will. Intellectually he may know that what you have when together is what he wants eventually, but it could be that he's not motivated to make the effort for more right now.

I do understand how frustrated you feel. It's hard not to feel selfish when your needs aren't being met, but you also don't want to risk destroying something that works so well when it has the chance. I wish there was an easy answer. In the end, you are correct that it's just something that you'll have to work out together.

Best wishes,
Treasure

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 10

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 6:50:52 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I am thinking that possibly he is perfectly happy with the way things are..why not..he has time for himself and when the urge takes him, then he can have his submissive come when he calls.In other words he has all the fun and none of the responsibility that frequency of time together would bring..(actually I hope it is just my being a wee bit cynical rather than an actuality).....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 11

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 7:16:14 PM

Treasure3

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Thank you all for your comments. While I would very much like to see him more often, yes, at this point, just having a schedule where I know when we will see each other would be a giant step in settling me. The not knowing and repeatedly being told "soon" when soon has been anywhere from three weeks to two months is very hard for me to deal with. Or, in some ways, worse even is hearing "if you were here right now" in just about every conversation. I often point out I could be if he would just say the word, which illicits a comment about how he knows and we will see what we can do.

As for having the conversation about where the relationship is going, that has proven to be a challenge in itself. He does have some emotional baggage from his last relationship which he admits is affecting this one. He is scared of being hurt again, too, among other things. I have asked several times now, WITHOUT giving any ultimatums or anything, just what he sees happening in the future. His answers have ranged from him saying he is indecisive to even mentioning marriage in the future a few times. He says he loves me, and more than that, I feel he loves me, and the relationship is getting more intimate.

He is a very unstructured and inconsistent individual when it comes to schedules... totally opposite from me, and I have made huge strides in the past year in learning to accept and deal with his style. This situation feels different. This one issue has become a real problem for me, and in some ways I feel badly that it is. I have struggled in learning how to express myself and communicate my needs, but in the last six months or so, I have done a lot of that, and I don't wish to be seen as demanding or too much trouble. He does keep reminding me that a relationship is about two people, though, which adds to my courage in talking with him about this.

classykindasassy mentioned starting to look elsewhere to light a fire under him. I do understand the reasoning behind this, but I am just not comfortable intentionally trying to make him jealous. I did go a few weeks ago and play with an old friend (nothing sexual, just pain play which I need and my Dom had been unable to give me). When I told my Dom right afterwards, he did get jealous, and he wanted to see me right away. It had only been a week since I last saw him. I would much rather find some sort of agreement between the two of us than to resort to what feels like a game. (I'm not saying that is what you meant by looking elsewhere, just commenting that it isn't something I am comfortable with at this point.)

Again, thanks everyone for your replies. It helps so much to hear from others!

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 12

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 7:22:36 PM

Treasure3

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I just wanted to make it clear that he does keep in close contact with me when we aren't together. I had thought of the out of sight out of mind thing, too, but it's hard to imagine that when he calls three, four, even five times a day and talks to me for hours. I rarely call him, only to return a missed call or something. He is the one making the effort to stay in touch.

A vanilla friend who knows of the situation made the comment that I should perhaps limit the amount of time I am available to talk on the phone, thereby possibly causing him to miss me more and want to see me more often. It is a prospect that I am a little hesitant to try as I feel it is my duty as his submissive to be there for him when he calls. I understand the whole Mars/Venus relationship rules thing, which is where she got the idea from, but does that really translate into a power exchange relationship?

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 13

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 8:47:21 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

All of his feelings and actions are understandable. However, after a year, specially in a LDR, it seems the time is reasonable to BEGIN making SOME actions towards commitment or not. Making a clear monthly date weekend is one idea.

Whatever you decide, it IS time for him to stop waffling and either say "I'm ready to make some steps forward, or I'm not ready" Enough with the "we'll see"

HOWEVER, he might not be ready at all. You have to be ready for that answer- he might not be ready to make any more commitment then he is now.

And at that point, you will need to decide whether this relationship is worth continuing to persue for yourself. Actually, you'll have to decide that whatever you guys end up with, but it will likely be a lot harder if he says he just can't make any steps towards commitment.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 14

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/19/2007 9:09:10 PM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

I agree with KatyLied, "Actions speak louder than words. "

Love it or leave it.

The issue here is not what he says or does, but what you choose and do. Only you can take personal responsibility for creating the environment you want in your life. Recognize your own boundaries, accept them, and enforce them. If it is your intention to have a real-time relationship instead of phone and cyber, then communicate your position. If your partner does not resonate with your feelings, then move on to another partner that does share your feelings. Life is short. Don't waste it on an investment that has a low probability of producing the return you want. If you ultimately choose that your situation is acceptable, then accept it, and be happy with it.

No, I am not encouraging a reverasl of dependency, as in The Story of "O." I am encouraging you to have the strength to be independent and manifest your own true intentions for your fulfillment. Nobody but you is responsible for that.

WAY too many people complain about their own freely made choices, as though they were a victim of some mysterious phantom who runs their life and makes all their decisions for them. That is a hypocrisy of unawareness.

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 6/19/2007 9:13:29 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/20/2007 1:39:23 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

This is one of those things I find important to know for myself before starting up a relationship be it either long distance or close.
I ask How much time does he have or is willing to give to his sub and the relationship

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 6/20/2007 1:40:01 AM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 16

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/20/2007 4:37:03 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

There is one saying that i have yet to find an exception to: "For that which is truly important, time and money will be found."
(Now before anyone gets out their flamethrowers, there are times when more than one thing is truly important and then we have to come up with compromises and/or priorities.)

This may sound cruel, but if your Dom has neither the time or the money to compromise then at those times you can be fairly certain that something else is either more important or has a greater priority. What you do with this information is up to you. You can accept it or not. You can either change your reality or you can change your perception.

i was involved a few years ago in a similar situation. It came to the point where my car was really, really in poor condition where i didn't trust it to make the 4 hour drive there and back. i suggested a compromise for that weekend where He could meet me halfway, leave my car, and reduce my risk somewhat by taking His car back to His place. Initially He agreed, but the day before He called me and said the relationship just wasn't going to work. At least i found out (and it didn't take a full year) His priority and exactly how important i was in His life.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 17

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/20/2007 7:26:59 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

There comes a point in all relationships, I think, where we're faced with an issue we struggle with that forces us to examine it. Some people choose to end the relationship. Others choose to plow ahead. Nobody has to be happy with the results other than you.

Perhaps there are simply conflicting goals. You want something more intimate, he doesn't. Perhaps he has issues he doesn't really wish to resolve. It stands to reason he's happy with the way things are, or he'd have made an effort to change it (or at least talk about it) with you. It's still worth asking him about.

If he's happy with how things are, then you need to ask yourself if -you- are happy with how things are. He has no obligation to give you anything more than what he wishes to give. Not because he's dominant, but because that's how relationships work. If it's not enough for you, you need to decide if it's worth continuing with him or not.

Harsh words, and I'm sorry for them. Good luck either way.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 18

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/20/2007 3:16:06 PM

Treasure3

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Thanks again to everyone who has chimed in. I truly appreciate your words. Sometimes, a more objective perspective is a wonderful thing! While I still intend to speak with him about my feelings, I definitely think I may approach the subject a little differently - and more assertively.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 19

RE: Compromising on time together - 6/20/2007 3:44:45 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

To add another perspective...is there any circumstances that inhibit his ability to see you?

For example, work can play a part in it. Its not always easy to orchestrate time off so you can spend three days with a visiting partner nor does it make sense to drive down there three times in one month for one day with him on his day off.

Personally, I would love to be able to make a trip up to visit my girl, but the reality is I simply cant. I have a full time job and a part time job that is a 7 day a week gig. I would have to carefully orchestrate the time off, lose money in doing so, spend a good amount to make the trip up there and ultimately set back my goals of dropping my part time job by a good bit. I am not really ready at all to try and make any kind of relationship work, whether local or long distance, but this one just simply happened and developed on its own.

There might be external circumstances that keep him from being able to see you as much as he would like and those circumstances dont automatically constitute fault on his part.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Treasure3)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Compromising on time together

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.074