quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


owned, although you and i have butted heads on many many occassions, what you said here rang very true with me.  i cannot tell you how many times a day i ask myself "why did i allow him  to do that to me".  A very large part of who i am got lost in that relationship.  The 'me', i and everyone around has always known is slowly coming back.  Part of that old me will never come back.   In any event, i very much appreciated what you said.

quote:


The issue of consent is still a big part of it.  i allowed it to go on.  i did nothing to stop it and it went on and on until everything fell in on top of me... all his lies, everything.  i cannot point the finger at him and say it is all your fault because i did indeed silently consent by remaining.  i did not remove my consent (in my mind) until i walked away forever.

Ok done. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
This is one great answer. I am forwarding this to Nipper now. Thx, Focus

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

What, exactly, is topping from the bottom? i suspect i am guilty of this and cannot see a way around it. Is wanting, and enjoying, the challenge of someone very strict setting myself (and them) up for failure?

Try this....
 
A D/s relationship is based on an unequal control dynamic (as opposed to an egalitarian vanilla relationship) where the submissive defers to the will and choices of the dominant partner by mutual agreement.  IE, within your personal relationship, the submissive you does as you're told.
 
"Topping from the bottom" (tftb) can manifest in many forms - "attitude", brattiness, general disrespect or to outright rebellion etc.  This is generally recognised as the sub taking control of the relationship (even if only for a few seconds at a time) and is definitely NOT how a D/s relationship is designed to function.  Consequently, when the sub does have even a small level of control in this way, usually both Dom/me and sub are miserable for it, esp if it's systemic.
 
To me, a bit of occasional tftb from my girl is quite enjoyable as it allows me to be a reactive Dom as well as my usual proactive.  It's an opportunity to enforce my will over hers; to pull her into line; to remind her of her place etc.  Think about it; I can't very well discipline her etc if she's done nothing wrong.  It's also an opportunity for her to initiate a D/s dynamic, too.  I mean, anytime I'm in the mood, I can just reach over and do whatever I want with/to her whereas a bit of cheek or disrespect can be her way of "inviting attention" beyond the normal avenues of her asking repectfully.  And I toy with her through it; sometimes I might miss some small act of her disrespect altogether (we're all human) but mostly I'll deliberately let it pass just to see what she does with that bit of empowerment - enough rope to "hang" herself, so to speak, before I eventually "drop the hammer" on her.
 
Enough waffling.... lol  To answer your question, it is NOT up to the submissive to control some alleged need to control her "toppiness"!  The dominant has control - or should have - it's *HIS* problem and obligation to control you!  If the sub is doing it all the time (tftb), I'd suggest you're not compatible with the Dom you have, that you need someone a little stricter etc.  By it's very definition, *somone* needs to have control in a D/s relationship and if the Dom/me is unable or unwilling to do so, it's *inevitable* the sub will - and both are rendered miserable.
 
In a perfect World, the only thing a sub gets away with is what the dominant allows.  If you (the sub) can get away with more or too much, it's the fault of the *dominant*!
 
Focus.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

What, exactly, is topping from the bottom? i suspect i am guilty of this and cannot see a way around it. Is wanting, and enjoying, the challenge of someone very strict setting myself (and them) up for failure?

Try this....
 Focus, Focus,Focus!!
A D/s relationship is based on an unequal control dynamic (as opposed to an egalitarian vanilla relationship) where the submissive defers to the will and choices of the dominant partner by mutual agreement.  IE, within your personal relationship, the submissive you does as you're told.

 Funny how many people don't think submissives should do as they are told, imagine that!

"Topping from the bottom" (tftb) can manifest in many forms - "attitude", brattiness, general disrespect or to outright rebellion etc.  This is generally recognised as the sub taking control of the relationship (even if only for a few seconds at a time) and is definitely NOT how a D/s relationship is designed to function.  Consequently, when the sub does have even a small level of control in this way, usually both Dom/me and sub are miserable for it, esp if it's systemic.

 Unless they BOTH enjoy that type of "scene"!
To me, a bit of occasional tftb from my girl is quite enjoyable as it allows me to be a reactive Dom as well as my usual proactive.  It's an opportunity to enforce my will over hers; to pull her into line; to remind her of her place etc.  Think about it; I can't very well discipline her etc if she's done nothing wrong.  It's also an opportunity for her to initiate a D/s dynamic, too.  I mean, anytime I'm in the mood, I can just reach over and do whatever I want with/to her whereas a bit of cheek or disrespect can be her way of "inviting attention" beyond the normal avenues of her asking repectfully.  And I toy with her through it; sometimes I might miss some small act of her disrespect altogether (we're all human) but mostly I'll deliberately let it pass just to see what she does with that bit of empowerment - enough rope to "hang" herself, so to speak, before I eventually "drop the hammer" on her.
 
Enough waffling.... lol  To answer your question, it is NOT up to the submissive to control some alleged need to control her "toppiness"!  The dominant has control - or should have - it's *HIS* problem and obligation to control you!  If the sub is doing it all the time (tftb), I'd suggest you're not compatible with the Dom you have, that you need someone a little stricter etc.  By it's very definition, *somone* needs to have control in a D/s relationship and if the Dom/me is unable or unwilling to do so, it's *inevitable* the sub will - and both are rendered miserable.
 I agree the Dominant person should be in control if they are not, it is a Top/Bottom situation at best.
In a perfect World, the only thing a sub gets away with is what the dominant allows.  If you (the sub) can get away with more or too much, it's the fault of the *dominant*!
LOL, of course!
 
Focus.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
I enjoy reading what you write,
Focus!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Focus is, as always, exactly correct. The only quibble I have with his answer is that his assumption is that a sub may tftb because the dynamic is not strict enough. It could also occur because it is too strict and the sub feels trapped and confined instead of free inside of the framework. In that case, of course, a more compatible dominant would be one who was less micromanaging instead of more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

In theory, the sub has it easy in that she really only hasta do as the Dominant says and in the manner expected.  If she's unwilling or unable to comply, I tend to ponder the Dominant's bona fides before the subs.
 
Focus.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

In theory, the sub has it easy in that she really only hasta do as the Dominant says and in the manner expected.  If she's unwilling or unable to comply, I tend to ponder the Dominant's bona fides before the subs.
 
Focus.

But then there's also knowing when said Dom is interested in a little Tftb, knowing how much, how long, and when to fall back on her knees. You Doms can be pretty behaviorally complex, and I do not once ever remember "Pardon, darling, would you top me from the bottom tonight?"

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

What, exactly, is topping from the bottom? i suspect i am guilty of this and cannot see a way around it. Is wanting, and enjoying, the challenge of someone very strict setting myself (and them) up for failure?

quote:

ORIGINAL: ECF