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She claims to want you but really isn't all that into you - 6/20/2007 9:04:24 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I'm wondering how people may have experienced this phenomenon with potential partners. I had recently been with a person who has a lot more experience than I do and seemed interested in me from a bdsm perspective. At one time, she admonished me because I was not serious about pursuing this relationship with her, so I rethought my energy and went in a full 100 percent. It was then that I started to realize that she's not really all that into me. Oh sure, she loves how I clean nonstop, give massages that stem from actual professional training and never try to force my fantasies into the mix. But concerning me, I never got a single bit of energy from her that indicated she was interested in me. I kept getting this sense that I was being held accountable for needing to be proactive about being into her, but that energy was never reciprocated. I kept thinking it would appear somewhere down the line, but it never did.

This isn't a complaint thread or a rant (even if it may seem like one). I'm curious if other submissives have experienced this and if dominants have ever recognized this happening as well. And there's no need for commiseration or condolences. Everything's fine in the little sarbonn world.


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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 10:20:52 AM   
Trampler


Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline 		Well I am not a submissive, but I have gotten the same thing. Quite a few times I would be talking with someone, and getting along, energy is good, then they will go Poof! Or tell me they found someone else. And find out they didn't want to persue a relationship with me because I wouldn't have sex/play on the 1st meeting, or indulge them in their kink everytime we see eachother.

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 10:53:37 AM   
MiladyElaine


Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		Yep, get it all the time from players.

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 11:30:17 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
Ask direct questions like "Where do you think this is going?"

Some dominant women may keep "nice guy" and "safe" subs around because they aren't really a bother, and "yeah, they're pretty nice and do nice things for me," but if there's no primarl lust involved (and that's just a matter of chemistry, which is or isn't there, no fault of either party), it won't go anywhere.  She might be waiting to see if that develops or she might not see it as possible but enjoy the fringe benefits of the friendship.

The lust thing goes both ways too, and it feeds off one another.  If you think she's fun, interesting, shows potential but don't have physical lust/desire/goosebumps about her and are just waiting to see if it's develop, you are in a similar holding pattern. 

It goes back to the similarity with vanilla courting.  After multiple dates, are you seeing any progression in the level of intimacy or is just stalling in that "safe friends" space?  Any handholding, cuddling, sharing of personal dreams, showing of vulnerability (on both sides), sharing of fantasies?  If not, there's no chemistry developing.

When all else fails, ask.

Akasha


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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 11:32:29 AM   
addicted2it


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

littlesarbonne

I'm wondering how people may have experienced this phenomenon with potential partners. I had recently been with a person who has a lot more experience than I do and seemed interested in me from a bdsm perspective.


A bit off-topic, and not meaning to hijack the thread, but the CM did talk about people suddenly going "poof" and disappearing.

I know from experience that it happens to both sides.  The "poof factor," as I like to call it, is more common than most people think.

However, on the other side of the coin, how many dommes and submissives who have a good amount of experience have considered a counterpart, who might not have as much experience, and can that be just as detrimental to a relationship or potential relationship as not enough experience?

In the business world, too much on one's resume could induce a prospective employer to view you as overqualified for the job.  However, most prospective dominants want good bit of information in the initial approach, so in this case, maybe too much information (at least early)on can be a bad thing. 

I'm not suggesting that anyone be dishonest, but only a litte careful about overwealming someone.


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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 1:26:11 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I had this really nice post all ready for you, littlesarbonn and then went I posted got a page not found.  So, I will try to re create it when I have some free time and post.  Argh I hate it when that happens

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 1:26:28 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps if you purchased a larger strapon for Her to possess,

you might feel She was more, into you.

Respectfully, chia* 'sorry i'm incorrigable' (the pet)



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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 1:33:46 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Ask direct questions like "Where do you think this is going?"

Some dominant women may keep "nice guy" and "safe" subs around because they aren't really a bother, and "yeah, they're pretty nice and do nice things for me," but if there's no primarl lust involved (and that's just a matter of chemistry, which is or isn't there, no fault of either party), it won't go anywhere.  She might be waiting to see if that develops or she might not see it as possible but enjoy the fringe benefits of the friendship.

The lust thing goes both ways too, and it feeds off one another.  If you think she's fun, interesting, shows potential but don't have physical lust/desire/goosebumps about her and are just waiting to see if it's develop, you are in a similar holding pattern. 

It goes back to the similarity with vanilla courting.  After multiple dates, are you seeing any progression in the level of intimacy or is just stalling in that "safe friends" space?  Any handholding, cuddling, sharing of personal dreams, showing of vulnerability (on both sides), sharing of fantasies?  If not, there's no chemistry developing.

When all else fails, ask.

Akasha



I did ask questions. Some pretty direct ones, too, and I sort of got the feeling you get when maneuvering through Geico's customer service line, which kind of goes all around the subject but never brings you to the place you actually tried to find. I've discovered an interesting dilemma and that's receiving vague responses to direct questions, something that's new to me because only recently have I gotten good at actually asking direct questions instead of sticking around for a year hoping things will improve.


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The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 1:35:49 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

I had this really nice post all ready for you, littlesarbonn and then went I posted got a page not found.  So, I will try to re create it when I have some free time and post.  Argh I hate it when that happens


sniffle.

Yeah, I hate that, too.


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http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 2:53:55 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi sarbonn,

Some dominants are of the opinion that their presence alone is sufficiant.  Massages are a great example.  For you, it's doing something nice for someone you like.  For her, it could be she's enjoying the benefit; but it could also be her thinking "well, I really have other things I want to do, but I'll be nice to him and let him massage me.  After all, he -is- being permitted to touch me."

Safe bet that if she's showing little interest, she's either testing you or she's just like that.  Either way, you have to decide if that relationship is fulfilling for you or not.

I'll add a further bit of advice.  If you decide your not satisfied by the arrangement, I strongly suggest you disentangle yourself completely from this person before you resume your search.  Dommes get -real- hot under the collar, when they feel they're being run around on, or find out the sub courting them is still giving massages to another domme.  If I were in your shoes, it just wouldn't be worth it.

Good luck.

Kat,

If you lose your text like you did in Firefox, all you need to do is press the backspace button. There's a VERY good chance you will be brought back to your original 'entry' page.  If it's IE, than you can press the refresh button (at the top) and it will say something about resending POST data.  Say yes, and it will resend everything you typed.

Stephan


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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 3:02:28 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Yes, Stephann, I agree. I did disentangle myself. I thought that was the more honest way of going about it. I figured the response would probably be, "Well, that's his loss" and it probably is true, but I at least need a woman who is interested in me, and I couldn't see going through another one of those types of relationships again. I did make my concern very well known, and it was pretty much ignored, so I'm chalking it up as a strong learning experience.

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http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 4:46:07 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I'm wondering how people may have experienced this phenomenon with potential partners.



Yes, but intermittantly with a long-term partner

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 6:43:02 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		sarbonn,

good for you.  I know how tempting it can be to think 'well a bad Domme is better than no Domme.'  Sadly, subs who think that end up wondering why they have such a difficult time finding the right one, not realizing that in staying with a bad Domme, they make themselves even less attractive to a potential new partner.

The very best of wishes for you,

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 6:47:56 PM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Ask direct questions like "Where do you think this is going?"

Some dominant women may keep "nice guy" and "safe" subs around because they aren't really a bother, and "yeah, they're pretty nice and do nice things for me," but if there's no primarl lust involved (and that's just a matter of chemistry, which is or isn't there, no fault of either party), it won't go anywhere.  She might be waiting to see if that develops or she might not see it as possible but enjoy the fringe benefits of the friendship.

The lust thing goes both ways too, and it feeds off one another.  If you think she's fun, interesting, shows potential but don't have physical lust/desire/goosebumps about her and are just waiting to see if it's develop, you are in a similar holding pattern. 

It goes back to the similarity with vanilla courting.  After multiple dates, are you seeing any progression in the level of intimacy or is just stalling in that "safe friends" space?  Any handholding, cuddling, sharing of personal dreams, showing of vulnerability (on both sides), sharing of fantasies?  If not, there's no chemistry developing.

When all else fails, ask.

Akasha



I did ask questions. Some pretty direct ones, too, and I sort of got the feeling you get when maneuvering through Geico's customer service line, which kind of goes all around the subject but never brings you to the place you actually tried to find. I've discovered an interesting dilemma and that's receiving vague responses to direct questions, something that's new to me because only recently have I gotten good at actually asking direct questions instead of sticking around for a year hoping things will improve.


This what works for me:
imo It is always up to the person asking the question to get a direct answer. Persist, ask it several times, dance around the sloppy and confusing answers. It cuts thru all the crap. If they do not have an answer, ask when would be a good time to ask again, or write or call instead of f2f. Sometimes if they are uncomfy face to face, doing it in writing, or by phone can be much more comfortable.
Everyone has their own style this way. I prefer to know (like most people: what the truth is) and it easier for me to do this on a call, or with a note.
Then you don't feel used, yah?
 
Miss Irish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The individual activity of one man with backbone will do more than a thousand men with a mere wishbone.”
~William J H Boetcker

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 7:10:35 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		I think a lot of it goes back to the probabilities that we will find someone suitable in our chosen lifestyle. The same dynamic that makes people jump into things too quickly probably keeps them in situations that aren't the ideal for them. This happens a lot in vanilla relationships as well, but I think in the BDSM world, I can see it happening moreso. 

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 7:27:34 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I call it the "spare tyre" syndrome, and vanillas do it too. They hold on to a person "just in case" it doesn't work out with the other one/s they have in the pipeline, like keeping a spare tyre in the trunk. I think it's worse now we have the net, as it's like a cosmic cookie jar, offering endless choices. A lot of people hang on to one person, while looking over their shoulder to see if there's something better coming along. Sorry it's happened to you, but at least you'll recognise the symptoms if it happens to you again.
:))
LH

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/20/2007 11:32:31 PM   
MsRose


Posts: 98
Joined: 5/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

I call it the "spare tyre" syndrome, and vanillas do it too. They hold on to a person "just in case" it doesn't work out with the other one/s they have in the pipeline, like keeping a spare tyre in the trunk. I think it's worse now we have the net, as it's like a cosmic cookie jar, offering endless choices. A lot of people hang on to one person, while looking over their shoulder to see if there's something better coming along. Sorry it's happened to you, but at least you'll recognise the symptoms if it happens to you again.
:))
LH


I see your point. Perhaps, as was the case in littlesarbonne's situation, the Domme didn't want to or could not answer direct questions he posed to her, because she didn't herself know. She was kicking the tires a bit, keeping him around for other purposes, not making her intentions clear, thereby making him uncertain of his place in the relationship. But how will a sub (or Dominant for that matter) know if there are others 'in the pipeline'? I'm sorry this happened to you, littlesarbonne.

I've been in a similar situation, waiting for a sub to make up his mind about what it is he wants, and the waiting game is awfully frustrating.

< Message edited by MsRose -- 6/20/2007 11:33:19 PM >

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/21/2007 1:23:37 PM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		This is incredibly helpful for those of us who are just arriving at the party.  I had suspected that this was no different than in the vanilla world but yall have done a great job of putting into words something that is hard to define yet critical.  The ole "just not that into you" sex and the city revelation of relationships rears its head. Possibly trite but true.  Sarbonne - you sound like a yummy catch to me.  Glad you disentangled you deserve more.

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Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/21/2007 1:32:49 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla

This is incredibly helpful for those of us who are just arriving at the party.  I had suspected that this was no different than in the vanilla world but yall have done a great job of putting into words something that is hard to define yet critical.  The ole "just not that into you" sex and the city revelation of relationships rears its head. Possibly trite but true.  Sarbonne - you sound like a yummy catch to me.  Glad you disentangled you deserve more.


Thank you.


_____________________________

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http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: She claims to want you but really isn't all that in... - 6/23/2007 10:21:03 PM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Reading other threads in Ask A Mistress, you could be forgiven for concluding that any Domme who is really into submissive men is a "Service Top" not a Domme. 

It is strange but true that some women who call themselves Dominants are actually not sexually aroused by male submission or attracted to submissive men.  She likes receiving service (who doesn't?!) but when it comes to getting her rocks off, she wants a nilla or dominant male partner. Or a female partner.  Anyone other than a male submissive.

IMO these "Non-Sexual Dommes" actually go further and are turned off by submission.  They do not respect, honour or need submissive male sexuality (which is God given just like anyone else's sexuality)

I do not know you well, but I think you have a track record of meeting "Dominant" women who want service without sexual love - am I right?

For starters, be super clear that you are looking for a life partner to worship and adore, not a Non-Sexual Dominant looking for service.   That should help weed out the users and the frigid.

You also might need to radically re-think how you start these relationships.  Perhaps insist on getting to know someone as a person first, date and start a sexual relationship like an ordinary couple, get that working properly and then  - and only then - start experimenting with BD, SM and D/s (whatever your BDSM is). 

Get the romantic attraction and mutual respect right first, not last

Just a suggestion.  Seems to have worked for my submissive.




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