Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Finding someone or getting found


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Finding someone or getting found Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 12:28:00 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		As some of you could probably see from my earlier parody post, I'm in a mood this week. Your milage will vary....


Why is it that so many people are looking for "The One" or a "Real" Master/slave...and on and on and on. Honestly, what's wrong with meeting people who are in the scene, who can be friends, who you can network through to gain access to other people who are looking for partners? Why do we have to strut around with such a fatalistic ideal of perfection? It would seem to me that life and opportunities sort of pass you by if you are only interested in one thing.

I recently met someone and I was so not looking it wasn't even funny. From both of our profiles, it looked like we were completely incompatible. I'd seen his profile prior to meeting him in real life at a munch (this was a random meeting, not scheduled) and there were things in it that turned me off as someone who might be potentially compatible.

The funny thing about profiles and chatting on line and even on the phone...there's nothing like real life. People's personalities just don't resonate over media like they do in real life.

We've gone from this odd little, albeit fun chit chat relationship at parties to going out and planning to play together.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you are so busy looking for the "One True One" you might miss someone really fun.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 12:31:36 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily
Honestly, what's wrong with meeting people who are in the scene, who can be friends, who you can network through to gain access to other people who are looking for partners?


Lily, what you suggesting involves both work and also compromise. Those are elements of reality... and what fun is that? It is much more enjoyable to sit at home and fantasize.


(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 1:02:17 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'd much rather have the reality ... I can actually play with reality, fantasy is too abstract

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 1:15:17 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I dunno why- I always say that this sort of thing happens when you aren't looking.

I've never sought any of my partners out, we just kinda bumped into eachother and went from there.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 2:13:44 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Going in I think many (not all) people have their own preconceptions of what to expect when searching online. Websites give people the strong suggestion they can pinpoint that special someone but as most who have been online long enough have found out, it's usually the opposite. I also think people's expectations and prejudices change as they grow older. As our identities get sorted out through experience, we don't need to do the trial and error approach.

I tried attending the local BDSM group. It's mostly males (which is no surprise) and the females simply don't attract me. The profiles that match my interests online are all from people too far away to realistically meet for what I'm looking to develop. It would be much easier if all I wanted was to play around. I'm here and still interested but my expectations have been greatly tempered by my experiences over the past three years.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 2:26:38 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Well i was one of those.... not looking for some one perfect, but perfect for me. And i thought i would know him when i saw him. Never ruled anyone out, but would talk. Eventually i thought i was going to have to settle, until i found that "one".....

Course i didnt find him. We kind of just bumped into each other online. Well he bumped into me and i er did what i sometimes did.. <grins> had fun challenging all those so called dominants. (i can be a real terror) LOL course if i had known he was really truely dominant and fit all my "criteria", i might of been better behaved. HEH and of course when it comes to "criteria" that you want others to meet. Stick with the basics, the things you "need" and know that its not ALL gonna fit, or add up. You might get more, you might get less.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 8:44:25 PM   
slatyb


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/17/2005
Status: offline 		Because some people will turn anything into a religion. It makes me crazy, but them I'm not a religious guy. I like to play, a lot, but it doesn't have some magical life-changing quality. Maybe too many people are looking for the magic master, or the magic slave, or the magic pill, or the magic whatever that will somehow fix their life.

Also I think that one should be hesitant to reject someone because of some choice in a will/won't does/doesn't checklists. Maybe if you are just looking for someone who will do X it's ok, but if you are looking for a LTR then it's rather silly. There are few enough people who openly admit they play at all to skip over someone just because they currently aren't doing one particular thing.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/9/2005 9:17:14 PM   
GreyStorm


Posts: 423
Joined: 1/26/2005
From: Cheeseheadland
Status: offline 		Pfft, I gave up actively searching awhile ago. I figure, when it happens, it happens. I know of a couple of women (one in particular) I would love to meet from here, but I would honestly expect nothing more from them then friendship and fun chats. But since I don't push the issue, I mainly just post gibberish, i.e. Word Up thread.

I did recieve an email just today saying that my story in my profile scared her and that she couldn't see me ever meeting or forming a relationship with anyone with it posted. I will post my reply to her now...."OK". I saw no point in trying to explain to her I wasn't actively searching, or replying more to her weirdly bizarre email. So I muddle along, making myself happy first and foremost, and if or when the "one" shows up, I'll know it's her. But if she never shows, I enjoyed myself along the ride.


edited cuz leaving out words is a bad thing and screws up entire sentence structures and thoughts.

< Message edited by GreyStorm -- 6/9/2005 9:19:50 PM >

_____________________________

Ahhh temptation, I have named thee and thy name is woman.

(in reply to slatyb)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 3:17:40 AM   
DublinSwitch


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline 		Searching for the 'one true one' - lets think of the maths for vanilla relationships first:

Population of city I live in - 1m
Number of women - 1/2m
Number of women between 25 - 40 (my age group) - say 100k
Number of 'dates' a regular guy might embark on in a year - 12
Chances of one of those 12 women out of 100,000 possibilities being 'the one' - pretty low lets face it.

Population of bdsm in my city - 600 (educated'ish guess)
Number of women - 100 (my experience, more men involved than women)
Number of women between 25 - 40 - say 20
Number of 'dates' a regular guy might embark on in a year - 3/4 I imagine
Chance of one of those 3/4 being 'the one' - really really really low.

Statistically I think your pretty screwed searching for 'Mr Perfect' in the bdsm world.

So what do you do? whinge about it? drop your standards? look harder? I honestly have no idea, and suspect there is no easy solution. Basically its a frustrating search, deal with it.

Other solution - stop 'searching'. Accept that the chances are that you will not find 'THE ONE'. Get on with your life. And don't forget, surprises can happen:)

Cheers

DS


(in reply to GreyStorm)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 4:03:01 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I did recieve an email just today saying that my story in my profile scared her and that she couldn't see me ever meeting or forming a relationship with anyone with it posted.


I enjoyed reading your story....and btw....didn't think it was scary. Guess I'm just a freak!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to GreyStorm)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 4:28:27 AM   
dublinguy5


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline 		0851466498 i am here call me

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 4:53:40 AM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		I think it goes back to the "saving yourself for marriage" (or at least a very special relationship) mentality a lot of people were raised with. Now I can understand not wanting to play with everyone in your local group...some groups can be downright incestuous with the way everyone has played/been with everyone else in the group, but I never could figure out why people would sit on the fringes and never begin to explore their desires because "the One" wasn't around to get them started.

A person can have little loves in life that are very special friendships while waiting for "the One".

That's just me though...ymmv (and apparently does for a lot of people).


best regards,
fate




_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to dublinguy5)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 5:10:52 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Lily ... "The One" or "Real" that figment of my imagination that I've constructed
as perfect for me is one hell of an ideal. Then again were all guilty of wishful
dreaming. What I've noticed is that profiles are only as good as the words used
to write them and the Accuracy of the description questionable much of the time.
Ah hell, it's a perception thing........ shrug
I'd not say your in a mood at all! I've been batting this same chit around
myself these past few weeks. I want what I want, but in the down time there
isn't a thing wrong with living, learning, experiencing and having some fun
when the opportunity presents itself.

Q .... 14 MPG up Hill towing a load of baggage

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/10/2005 5:44:12 AM   
FuriousAngel


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLilyThe funny thing about profiles and chatting on line and even on the phone...there's nothing like real life. People's personalities just don't resonate over media like they do in real life.

We've gone from this odd little, albeit fun chit chat relationship at parties to going out and planning to play together.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you are so busy looking for the "One True One" you might miss someone really fun.

Lily


Amazing words, and so incredibly true! I've only been exposed to the online world of D/s for about two years, I am no stranger to sites designed to meet others, ie. dating, etc. I learned that no matter how much time you invest online/phone, the person will never be what you think/imagine when you meet. I find it refreshing to see your thoughts shared so quickly after I rethought my own approach to D/s in the realization that I was allowing the things you speak of to consume me. Thanks for reminding me that I'm doing the right thing!

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/11/2005 10:15:31 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

I dunno why- I always say that this sort of thing happens when you aren't looking.

I've never sought any of my partners out, we just kinda bumped into eachother and went from there.


I agree! They just seem to come outta nowhere, when you least expect it. Or completely at random...or something. Working really hard at it seems to have little or no effect. It happens when it happens.

Bob

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/12/2005 5:08:33 AM   
MissMarmaladolly


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Pandemonium
Status: offline 		I suppose it could be attributed to the fact of a gaping void devouring your heart, one that friends can't fufill, since you're just too bloody selfish to appreciate them. For me, BDSM is a mere and slight sin that sparks my curiosity -- I'm not looking for a dom to enrapture me; that isn't even my fancy for romance, but they make for good conversation. I never believe that physical activities and manifestations (whipping, play, etc.) make a man, and I believe an intellectual bond must be found with something other than a sexual depravity - as fun as it is, I wouldn't put all my stock in it. :( Oh, and I'm a believer than both genders are equal since they both birthed me, but, hey!

I found my love by chance, which is more fufilling and delightfully ironic than expecting him.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/12/2005 7:02:11 AM   
liltxsubby


Posts: 328
Joined: 11/18/2004
From: TX
Status: offline 		I started off all gung-ho looking for "the One". After months of dead-ends and numerous wanna-bes I had basically given up. I decided I would just chat and make friends. I started posting on the boards and such. After I quit looking, I guess you could say I was found by somome who also wasn't really looking for more than friends.



_____________________________

I'm Japan and Godzilla has taken over.

Laugh with them, or let them laugh at you.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/12/2005 8:14:10 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		I think many will find someone when they are not "looking" as they are more relaxed and show their true selves. If both are like this then there is a better chance of getting with someone who suits on many levels.

Some also take time to open up to people so can hide their light until you get to know them better.

Someone who is looking too hard can come across as desperate and that is unattractive.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/12/2005 2:21:46 PM   
Lepidoptera


Posts: 161
Joined: 4/14/2005
Status: offline 		I know what you mean.

I don't understand how people can find "the one" if all they want to talk about is how they're doing to dominate you. Certainly a relationship can't be entirely based on D/s. It must have some other form of substance.

I mean, I've had far better luck finding potential dom/mes on sites like okcupid.com. Amusing, neh?

(in reply to Oumae)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Finding someone or getting found - 6/12/2005 3:23:55 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		THATS DEFINATELY TRUE LIKE THEY SAY MY TOYTOA IS SUPOSED TO GET 35 MILES PER GALON ON THE HIGWAY AND IT DOSENT I'M LUCKY TO GET 30. SO MILAGE DEFINATELY VARYS.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

Your milage will vary....


(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Finding someone or getting found Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094