robertolapiedra
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Joined: 5/3/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel
In other words, were you ever faced with the situation of "I got what I wanted, now what the heck do I do with her/him?"
Were there ever fears that you couldn't make the reality match the fantasy or did you even want to do that?
HelloBRNaughtyAngel. Wellllll....yes. But first, I will adress the "fantasy" thingie vs reality. Everybody has "expectations" and the mind likes to do little "what if movies" (scenarios) based at times on very little information... it's normal.
When those "scenarios" are reality based, real person that you know a little about, reality seems to be an "adjusting" of expectations, discovery of neat and not so neat stuff that you did not know about. And that is also normal, whether you are dominant, submissive and even vanilla.
The other kind of "fantasy" pertains to "idealisation" which is not based on the object of ones attention. You may have an "ideal" submissive or dominant in your head, completely "fantasy" based on fictional books, movies, "personal kinks" and even "urban legends".
Now most of us (please, I know about exceptional exceptions) have these two kinds of fantasy going on at the same time. With experience, the reality based fantasy should be at the forefront. The less information you have, the "primal" ideal will tend to complete what is missing (gestalt theory, and all that "ha!ha!moment" shit).
Now back to me! I am a skeptic by nature, and am skeptic especially of my own wishful thinking! I have always had an "ideal fantasy" of a submissive that is pretty, devoted (loyal), service oriented, sexually unhibited, curious and for some reason I do not fathom...stoic!
Well, I found one that matched (skeptically "matched" of course) more or less this "ideal fantasy". Of course, I was careful to verify and triple check all those traits. Yep, she was for real. I thought, man I'm a lucky son of someone! Perfect! This should be easy!
To my surprise, my very very normally (overly?) confident disposition turned to mush, when in the "interactions"of the beginning (the very important "do not fuck up" phase), I realized that I did not know "anything" about stoics! This scared the shit out of me. The idea that I would lose this "pearl" because of my ineptitude, was not exactly helping in the "impress me with your wisdom" department either.
My future "stoic" sub did not know much about anything about BDSM, except what she liked "after" she experienced stuff. When she "experienced" stuff, she did not much give any clues to what was going on inside that unexpressive Zen head of hers. I could only be "almost" sure that she was in the zone, "when" she got there, well kind of, sort of.
This minimal feedback style of stoicism affected everything, as all soft limits apparently were made of butter! She did not have a clue as to what her limits really were. Of course the "skeptic" had a hard time believing that, and went about "pushing" limits "made out of butter" until he would eventually lose his nerve (and stop where he did not know he was stopping, or exactly what the hell for!).
I was domming most of the time on pure gut feeling, which as all of you know, could be suicidal if the "ideal fantasy" thingie starts to run things. In some scenes, my hands started shaking ! As I thought I would eventually step on a mine and ruin everything. As this was not getting "me" anywhere in comfort city, we took a break.
We had an "heart to heart" and I confessed that I was getting lost. I told her that I needed feedback. She told me she was giving me feedback, after all she was not stopping anything? She had no reference except for the very conservative vanilla stuff (south american old family catholic vanilla stuff that is!)
I replied a little ironically, that I would need much more time to figure out what made this little zen sub tick! She asked what I meant about this "time I needed" (very seriously). Well, trying to lighten things up, as I realized she was starting to take this personally, I joked that I would probably have to marry her in order to get all the subtilties of her "style". Her face lit up, and she gave me this killer smile...
The next day, we were engaged (with me in a daze!) and married a year later. That was 7 years ago and there is still "stuff" I am finding out about this little "stoic".
Beware of what you wish for. RL.
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RE: Difficulty moving from fantasy to reality? - 
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