julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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I have a simple rule I follow.
"Is this healthy for me?" (This includes physically, mentally, emotionally, financially)
And by that, I mean it in terms of the entire relationship. If he's asking me to do things that will harm me, then what I have here is no longer a healthy relationship and I'm walking.
Simply being scared of something I don't know about doesn't count.
I don't presume he knows what's best for me. He's human. He's a male and just because he's a dominant doesn't mean he's any more clued in to the female psyche - THIS female's psyche - than any other male is out there. At times, he'll be brilliant. Other times I might wonder where he's been these last 50 some years that he hasn't figured something out about women yet. And then there are the times I want to shake him and say "just because you've had other slaves/submissives who've felt this way does NOT mean I do."
But you know what? That's what a relationship is. It's not a failing on his part. It's him being who he is and me being who I am and each of us enjoying the discovery of each other. Hopefully this discovery never ends.
Consequently, I don't put the responsibility to know what's best for me on to his shoulders. He knows what he wants. He knows what's best for him. I know what I want. I know what's best for me. Part of my submission is that I do my level best to provide what's best for him as he's communicated it to me.
However, when what he wants begins to place me in a detrimental position, when what he wants ceases to be healthy for me, I have a responsibility to myself and to the family members I'm in turn responsible for, to make sure I communicate to him why I can't do what he wants me to do.
I've had to do this a lot. From something as simple as me saying I can't do what he wanted me to do because there was a wedding we'd been invited to and while I knew he didn't necessarily want to go to it, these were my friends and I didn't see how I could not, in good conscience, attend. Not attending would have damaged my friendship with these people and so, been unhealthy for me. I said "no." If he'd insisted, it'd have been unhealthy for me and I'd have determined that this was not right for us.
It's included me asking him not to mark me on one occassion that we were sessioning because I was going with my sister and mother to go swimming the next morning and didn't want to have to explain the bruises. Having bruises the type and quality that he's able to inflict would not be healthy for me in terms of my relationship with my family. It was imperative that I make him aware of this. If he'd persisted in marking me, creating issues between me and my family, that'd have been unhealthy for me and I'd have had to make a decision as to whether the relationship was right for me or not. I'd have chosen that it wasn't.
And it's included me telling him I couldn't do some things sexually with others because the risk I'd be undertaking was too great for me to be willing to take that chance. It was not healthy in terms of my physical well-being. He really wanted me to do this. It was important to him. When I told him why I couldn't, he didn't argue the point. He accepted that it wasn't that I was so much unwilling to do what he wanted as much as it was that I was unwilling to take the chance of me being hurt by what he wanted. That's the part that was unacceptable to me. Once that was communicated to him, he accepted what was said. If he hadn't, I'd have walked in an instant.
One of the most interesting - and ultimately helpful things that happened to us was that at the very beginning, I told him something I couldn't do. I told him I couldn't do this because my self-esteem wouldn't be able to manage it. He thought I was simply trying to control the relationship. He tested what I told him by doing exactly what I said I couldn't manage. It caused the one rift we ever had in our relationship, and it was a rift that could easily have been the end to us.
It took us 6 months of working through this event and countless hours of me doing some significant soul searching. I presume he probably did the same. Both of us decided to stay with this and see what could be done.
One of the nicest things that came from this though was that the rift tossed him right off the pedestal I had him on ( a very good thing). Now, when I submit, I recognize and understand that I'm not submitting to a man on a pedestal, but to a man who endeavors to do his best each and every single day (and sometimes makes mistakes). I have come to trust my judgment more and his actions during those 6 months and in the years following that rift have shown me the difference between blind faith and submission. Frankly, I like where I am now verses where we used to be, even if sometimes I have to deal with demons that I didn't have before. It's more than worth it.
To me, submission means that no matter what he says, I'll endeavor to do my best to meet his wants, needs and desires. However, submission also means that I have a significant responsibility to him and to myself to take care of me. And sometimes, submission means that I have the responsibility to inform him when what he's suggesting is unhealthy for me.
I'm in a relationship - WE'RE in a relationship. We work together. Neither of us abdicates responsibility for ourselves in this relationship, and as such, along the way, we help each other maintain responsibility for each other.
This relationship has value and because of that, we value it and ourselves enough to keep it and ourselves healthy. And nothing much gets done around here on blind faith.
I rather like submitting knowing all ramifications of submission. So much more interesting than simply submitting on blind faith.
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 6/27/2007 4:33:40 AM >
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RE: Complete submission or blind following? - 
Profile
. Sometimes, I can be so literal
.....luci
. Master never put Himself on a pedestal, it was I who did it. And, like you said, it has only made us closer now that I don't see Him as up on it anymore. Wonderfully said............slave luci 
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