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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 12:30:20 PM

MagiksSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
even as a kid the "Because I said so" reason was never good enough for me and most of the time made me withdraw from the task at hand

Interesting. I'm not like this personally but I do know people who very much are. Some people just need a reason and I don't see any harm in that. If a Dom/Master is aware of this upon entering into the relationship, perhaps they would see it as just a natural trait of that sub/slave and not see it as challenging, questioning behavior.

quote:

This may make me seem like the most terrable slave alive and some may even say Im not really a slave

Who gives a flying f**k? People outside your relationship can say/think whatever they want. That doesn't mean they know jack about what works for you and your master. I find that people who spend excessive amounts of time fretting over whether someone else is "really a slave" don't usually have too much going on in their own lives. And, if they do, they should perhaps be focusing on pleasing their own master instead of dictating how you please yours.

quote:

Master understands my need to know his thinking and the reason behind things and he has never had a problem explaining the why to me. And he has never once told me "becuase I said so"

Congrats to you and thanks for your answer..........luci

I honestly dont care, that was more of a sarcastic remarc as others seem to love to judge others to be "true" or not!!

Magik's slave

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don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
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before the devil even knows your there.

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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 12:30:28 PM

velvetears

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
Ok...with all that said.....that got me thinking. My Master also makes all final decisions. Some of those are ones I would not necessarily make myself. Yet, like kyra spoke about, they are abided by for better or worse, so to speak. So, my question is this: To all you subs/slaves out there whose Dom/me or Master/Mistress does have such final authority in all/most matters, when they make a decision that you find painful (and one different from what you would have decided), do they explain why to you?

my last lt relationship lasted 5 years and was more M/s then D/s. i felt, at that time it really wasn't my place to ask "why" as this would negate the dynamic he and i were working towards. Most of the time this was fine and i was able to live with decisions i didn't quite have to agree with and life would be none the worse for me.

There came a point where one of his "decisions" came in conflict with something he agreed to right from the beginning of our relationship. i felt this gave me cause to questions "why" and in fact point out to him the discrepency. This all came about perhaps 2 to 3 years into the relationship and it made the last 2 years slowly crumble into an eventual impass which led to us parting ways. i suppose a "Master" doesn't owe a sub any explanation but sometimes, for the well being of the slave, the relationship, her feeling secure and safe, it's really in the best interest of the slave for the Master to offer her one. In the end it was important enough for him to hold his ground on and risk loosing me and as well for me eventually to have to walk away. This is actually one of the reasons why i would never enter into an M/s relationship again - i would not invest that much of myself and give up that much power to someone who in the end can use it to literally, if i allowed it to, crush me. If i am not in the know i am out the door.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 6/28/2007 12:31:15 PM >

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Post #: 42

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 3:49:31 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
But.....I think Knight and Kyra helped to change my view on that by their explanations of how she has grown alot in their relationship over the past couple of years and how she doesn't feel the need for as many explanations now.

I am happy that we were able to provide a different perspective and new thoughts to consider.

One of the reasons it was so important for me to move in this direction was because wanting to know why was a way for me to retain authority in the relationship. Retaining any authority is contrary to the type of relationship that I want to have, so I had to learn to let go of wanting explanations.

The next step for me is to even stop making the decisions in my own head. I no longer do this for most things, but some of the bigger things I still go through my own decision making process and make a decision even though I know that he will decide. When our decisions match there is little stress, but when they do not match it can generate a lot of needless stress in my life.

I am learning to do this by developing patience. One of my favorite things to do is to have to wait. It is a chance to practice patience and to center myself. I am just there waiting for his instructions and I am learning to use that mindset to stop myself from making the decisions that are his to make.

I have found peace in letting go of the desire for explanations. Of course I fuel that desire in other areas of my life *g*

Knight's Kyra

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Post #: 43

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 7:01:40 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laineyjade
Master will explain at great lengths why and how he arrives at certain decisions, he is a natural teacher so it delights him for me to understand. It's funny when he changes his mind about something, he will explain the entire process from Point A to Point B, and it's become helpful to me both to understand him and to learn more insightful decision making skills for myself.
But, explanations are given after I am obedient. "Do it, then we will talk about it" is something standard I hear. That feels good to me, like I am allowed to question and challenge his decisions but not disobey them. It feels both safe and secure that way.

Thanks for this wonderful answer, laineyjade. Your Master sounds alot like mine

as He is a "natural teacher" too. He has said virtually the same thing you describe about it delighting Him for me to understand. Knowing just how He thinks, He says, will hopefully lead me to make decisions as He would when He is not present. You really summed it up well in describing how obedience is to come first, then explanations afterward. I, like you, can question all I like as long as it doesn't keep me from obeying

............luci

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Post #: 44

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 7:12:20 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
There came a point where one of his "decisions" came in conflict with something he agreed to right from the beginning of our relationship.

Yes, that would a difficult circumstance. I don't know if you're referring to him pushing a hard limit or something of that nature but that is something that my Master has guaranteed will not happen. If He was to "go back on" His word in that area, that would definitely create confusion and stress.

quote:

i felt this gave me cause to questions "why" and in fact point out to him the discrepency. This all came about perhaps 2 to 3 years into the relationship and it made the last 2 years slowly crumble into an eventual impass which led to us parting ways.

I can see why you felt the need to confront the issue. I'm a little surprised that it took the remaining 2 years for things to deteriorate to that point. Seems you had quite a bit of patience with the issue.

quote:

i suppose a "Master" doesn't owe a sub any explanation but sometimes, for the well being of the slave, the relationship, her feeling secure and safe, it's really in the best interest of the slave for the Master to offer her one. In the end it was important enough for him to hold his ground on and risk loosing me and as well for me eventually to have to walk away. This is actually one of the reasons why i would never enter into an M/s relationship again - i would not invest that much of myself and give up that much power to someone who in the end can use it to literally, if i allowed it to, crush me. If i am not in the know i am out the door.

I definitely understand. I'm sorry that your past experience was unpleasant and gave you this view of M/s. If both parties aren't where they need to be, it seems that it can definitely end up being a painful experience. Thanks for your answer, velvet..........luci

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Post #: 45

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/28/2007 7:19:25 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I am happy that we were able to provide a different perspective and new thoughts to consider.

Yep. Your ears must have been burning today as Master and I had quite the discussion about your all's posts on this thread

quote:

One of the reasons it was so important for me to move in this direction was because wanting to know why was a way for me to retain authority in the relationship. Retaining any authority is contrary to the type of relationship that I want to have, so I had to learn to let go of wanting explanations.

This makes perfect sense to me. I'm not to that point yet myself but I do aspire

quote:

The next step for me is to even stop making the decisions in my own head. I no longer do this for most things, but some of the bigger things I still go through my own decision making process and make a decision even though I know that he will decide. When our decisions match there is little stress, but when they do not match it can generate a lot of needless stress in my life.

Again, totally agreed. I'm not to the point where I can stop making the decisions in my head though. I still do that but, fortunately, they nearly always match up well with the decisions He ends up making so there hasn't been to much stress in that area yet.

quote:

I am learning to do this by developing patience. One of my favorite things to do is to have to wait. It is a chance to practice patience and to center myself. I am just there waiting for his instructions and I am learning to use that mindset to stop myself from making the decisions that are his to make.

OMG - developing patience

.....that is so hard for me to do. With Master, I do quite well. But patience in general is something I have a hard time with. Kudos to you for actively working to develop more patience.

quote:

I have found peace in letting go of the desire for explanations. Of course I fuel that desire in other areas of my life *g*

Of course. Thanks again for the food for thought..........luci

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Post #: 46

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/30/2007 3:13:26 AM

mitda

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there are times that my Master will explain His decisions to me, and there are times that those decisions are completely arbitrary. His reasoning also may be somewhat abstruse, and i am left without an explanation, though i generally would really like one.

getting past needing one has been one of the harder things i've had to endure, accepting his decisions without questions, adding my 2 cents (unasked for), or even sarcasm. If i do really need to work something out, though, which He has decreed/decided/whatever, He is generally very kind about helping me through (i'm sure this is a "for now" kind of thing.)
-mitda

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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 6/30/2007 1:29:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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I guess to my way of looking at things, is that if an explanation is offered, it in a way shows he cares enough to offer such. But of course this is also dependant on what the circumstance is......Tempting

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Post #: 48

RE: Do you get an explanation? - 7/2/2007 6:07:33 PM

behindmirrors

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My Master rarely offers an explanation to me on decisions unless I ask for one- but in every major circumstance, he has allowed me my input and then taken into account my own feelings and needs as well. I often do ask for the explanation- and I may get it before or after the actual thing being decided has happened, but I will always get an answer (on his time frame, not mine), if I request it. We discuss things often, even if its hard to do- and usually I can understand where he is coming from, as we have spent quite some time together.

It is just as often that I am allowed to make decisions about something as well, though. In all matters involving my work, I make those decisions- because he does not have the information nor skills needed to run my business which helps to support our life together. I may ask him for guidance, and often do, but that is mine to figure out. He does the same for his work as well, and this seems to be effective for us.

And when it comes to decisions on very minor things, I neither want nor need the explanation- I just do as I am told to the best of my ability.

behindmirrors.

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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 7/2/2007 7:45:10 PM

slaveish

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~chuckle~

me: "Why?"

M: "Whaddyou mean, why?"

me: "I want to know why."

M: "You tell ~Me~ why."

me: "Because you can?"

M: "Thaaaaaaaat's right. Good girl."

Of course there are times he will indulge me with the reason, there are times he goes to great lengths to explain things to me, but there are also times the reason is, truly, "because I can." We are in a semi-LD relationship, I am in a very demanding career in which I have to be stubborn and dominant, and it feels ~goooood~ when he makes it clear that I am not the one in position of authority.

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If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 7/3/2007 2:27:00 AM

MasterScotsWill

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If it is a major decision I will give an explanation, as this will build up trust and the bond between us.

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RE: Do you get an explanation? - 7/3/2007 7:45:50 AM

becca333

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It seems to me, from the answers here, that it doesn't matter if there isn't an explanation given every time, so long as the explanations that are given are honest.

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