becca333
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quote:
ORIGINAL: julietsierra
quote:
ORIGINAL: IrishMist
No, actually, it is very easy to do; of course, you have to want to let the anger go first...from your answer, it seems that you like the anger. (bolding added)
/shrug
Now see, hearing/reading that would just piss me off.
Being told to "just let the anger go" is not the same thing as offering suggestions as to HOW to let the anger go and it does not necessarily mean that someone enjoys being angry because they've dared to point that out for goodness sake.
From my point of view, "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger." is just a real nice condescending comment that means "I have NO clue how to let the anger go, but I'm definitely not going to admit that here."
Letting anger go (suggestions that may or may not work for you.)
1. BREATHE
2. BREATHE AGAIN (you know, those deep cleansing breaths they talk about with pregnant ladies)
3. BREATHE ONE MORE TIME - VERY SLOWLY.
4. During the third breath, contemplate how you'd ideally want his anger displayed to you - (this is not including any "punishment" that you may be hoping for).
5. Tell him QUIETLY that you have something you need to talk to him about but you need a moment (or an hour - or a day). Take all the time you need to contemplate how to BEST express what's upsetting you.
6. Go for a walk. Walking is exercise. Exercise expends energy. Expending energy seems to calm tempers.
While on the walk:
a. yell at the trees (or buildings) - cry if you need to.
b. mutter a LOT (call him all those names you're thinking but don't mean while you're alone - even if you mean them right then)
c. have the entire conversation you WANT to have with him by yourself. (my lectures - and at that point, they ARE lectures - to him are INCREDIBLE during those times)
d. Now, sort through what you want to tell him to find where your errors in thinking are. Fix them.
e. PROCESS what's happened if you can - find what's good about it. (You already know what's not good about it)
f. Break your arguments down into processable segments so
that it will make sense to him. Sometimes, thoughts spoken in anger are confusing to the people hearing them even if they make perfect sense to us.
g. Remind yourself that this IS what you were looking for and
ask yourself if what you're feeling is worth walking away (not saying you should actually contemplate walking away, but often, even saying such a thing helps to bring into perspective just how angry you are - and are not.)
7. When you get home, get a glass of WATER - nothing that will depress or agitate you. Drink it all - slowly.
8. Now would be a good time to BREATHE again.
9. IF you've calmed down enough, have the conversation you need with him. Try very hard not to raise your voice. We tend to feed on our feelings, so when you don't raise your voice, you don't feed your anger. (VERY IMPORTANT: Do not justify your fed upon anger as "this is just something I'm FEEEELING.." That's not necessarily true. Your initial anger was what you're feeling. The stuff that builds because we feed it is not. That stuff is just the crap that anger creates. Learn to recognize the difference. We think of temper tantrums as being childish, but fed-upon anger that's built up is an older person's temper tantrum. I find it helps to keep that in mind.)
10. Recognize that it's likely he will react in a defensive manner. Don't get upset by it. Pause. If he reacts in a manner that is too angry, suggest continuing the conversation after he's had time to think about what you've said.
10. When you begin to feel out of control of your emotions, suggest taking a break until you calm down so that you and he can continue to TALK.
11. CONTINUE the conversation when you're more in control of your emotions. DO NOT STUFF EMOTIONS OR CONFLICTS. Neither are good for either of you. However, explaining how you feel is much more conducive to your ability to communicate than raging at him - no matter how angry you are.
This is what I've done and so far, it's taken us through 4 years of being together with only one conflict that has been of any significance. We handled that one exactly this way too. Our discussion actually took us 6 months to get completely through, but we learned a LOT about each other, ourselves and more importantly, our relationship from it.
By the way, in case you think this is all one-sided, while not exactly the same, he has a similar way of dealing with things while he processes exactly what he wants to communicate to me. And he begins "I'm angry with you, but we'll discuss it tomorrow when I've had time to process what I'm thinking."
And the next day, we definitely DO discuss it.
Hope this helps a bit more than "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger."
juliet
This is purely brilliant!
If you walk regularly for exercise, work out your bad feelings then - I find that being in a bad mood makes me walk faster and work out harder.
I also have practice conversations with him when driving - people look at you funny at red lights, as you sit there talking to an empty car, but it really does help.
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RE: Angry with Master - 
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