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RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:21:17 AM   
Masterofyoutoo


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

<sarcasm>Well if I were to guess I would say that you are either very new to the lifestyle too or have been living in a closet.<sarcasm>

I am not sure why you made such a statement. There are many, many Dominants who prefer NOT to be called Master or Sir....even ones that have been active in this lifestyle for many years.


She asked for an opinion and based on the limited information she gave and i gave mine.  Now mine happens to be based on 17 years of studying pscyhology and human nature in general. 

A Master is a position of power and respect and usually those in such a position require that thier subordinates address them as such (Master, Sir, and quite a few others).  Now most Master's will require thier slaves to call them other things like Hun, dear, or thier first name in public as when operating in the vanilla world as something like Master or Sir would draw undue and unwanted attention to themselves. 

Now given the fact that she has stated that she is having a hard time using these terms with him, it implies that she is having a hard time accepting him as a Master because he is not demanding the respect due him from a slave at any time at all.  Which if he isn't is a good signifier that he is either very new to the lifestyle and is unused to demanding the respect due him or that he is looking for a sub instead of a slave. 

Which is why i suggest to her that she talk to him and dig into exactly what it is he wants and his intentions are before she becomes too emotionally attached to this "Master" as what she is wanting out of a Master may not be the type of Master that he is and thus not one she is looking to be owned by. 

If she goes into this without first making sure what his intentions are then she risks finding herself in a relationship that she really does not want any part of and ends up hurt in the long run, and that is why i told her to listen to her logic instead of her emotions, I'd rather see her choose a proper fit and be happy then a bad fit and deal with undue anguish.

What's your response based on? 2 seconds of browsing a response?

Now as far as knowing what her gut reaction was i don't but i can make a pretty good and educated guess that it was a bad gut reaction otherwise she would not have made a post on a public forum seeking advice and the fact that she stated she is having a problem with this guy.

As far as your gut reaction to me? Quite honestly I don't care, based on the lack of attention you obviously pay to what you are reading and the fact that you post without completely reading and understanding what was said in posts that you reply to and the amount of actual thought that you put into your replies along with your post count.  Tend to suggest that you just like to hear yourself talk and pay little attention to what you are saying.  So in otherwords your really not worth my time.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:23:07 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		personaly,,  I ussually allow my first name to be used  while getting aquaited,, or if they are comfotable withit ,, to call me "Sir"
as for hun babe,, ect,, those are tearms of endearmetn taht i am not usually comfortable with untill the relationship has progressed to such a level that I am comfortable with,, and then at that point ii let  the potential sub/slave  know that it is alright to do so ,, and if they happen to have a slip up,, it just lets me know that they are that comfortable withme , and therefor at taht point i prefer to be called Master, or Mataeo Sir, ect,.. ,, for then it's all in the proper addressing  and the grammer,,
hope that, that provided some insight

MasterMataeo

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:23:26 AM   
santalia


Posts: 142
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

i am with Him now and any prior training or expectations of me before Him are not necessarily what is true now.


This is going to piss off some people in the training for subs thread!



lol....well, if they have any issues, they can always take it to my Owner. He is Jarl Rmanrr and can be found under the nick rmanrr on the other side. **smiles sweetly**

lol....

-santalia{JR}

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:38:06 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		LOL this is a good one.

In fact in my relatively long scene involvement I have heard many ways different subs and doms address each other.

If you are in a club with rules about what armband a dom wears or a sub wears and the club has rules about how doms and subs address each other, then you have a good guideline. Otherwise you negotiate what feels comfortable for all involved.

A dear honey rule MIGHT be a test of your obediance and adaptability.

I know a submissive who will not call her dominant "Master" because she is also into martial arts and reserves that term of respect for those who have earned Master ranking in those. He understands and respects this.

I know a lot of guys who do not respond well to "Sir". Often they were drafted into the army and did not like being made to kowtow to young officers. I often hear answers like "Don't call me sir, I work for a living", or "Is my dad here?"

I know female dominants who wish to be addressed as Master because they think it sounds more powerful than Mistress or Domina.

I do not address anyone as master or mistress unless they ARE my dominant already. It is also not appropriate for anyone I have not accepted as my submissive to address me as master, in my view.

Naturally if someone's screen name is Master Bunny Baiter it is appropriate to introduce them as such.

I find that in many of the best BD/SM relationships I know there is a great deal of mutual teasing and laughing going on if a scene is not in progress.

Finally, if this is moving toward a possible 24/7, the use of names or nicknames may be important because there are vanilla neighbors, grocers, family members and such the people will be around. A slip like calling him Master to his liberal Feminist Mom may create some very unwanted results.



_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to brattybutcute)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:38:09 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Umm.. based on her post, particularly the part I highlighted below, I don't think your statement holds water.  It doesnt seem like it is ONE MASTER which is asking that she call him "first name or cute nic",  It is Anyone she has talked to, who doesnt wish to be called master at the onset of first chats.
I can Totally understand that.  These men know they are not her master, why would they demand she call them master until that is the case?  Now,.. if their understanding of this is via the online world of ds, yeah, I can see why some might want to be called master.
For me, that is a dead giveaway to click that little X at the top.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterofyoutoo

Now given the fact that she has stated that she is having a hard time using these terms with him, it implies that she is having a hard time accepting him as a Master because he is not demanding the respect due him from a slave at any time at all.  Which if he isn't is a good signifier that he is either very new to the lifestyle and is unused to demanding the respect due him or that he is looking for a sub instead of a slave. 




quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybutcute

can some one give me some input on this one? here is the situation.
 
what if you have lived the lifestyle (real life) for 21 years,,you have always been taught and practiced that you call you Master ,,Sir or Master.....now all of a sudden you find yourself unowned and are talking to other potential "Masters",,now this new Master wants you to call Him  something like ,,,Hun,,,Dear,, Darlin.....but you just can't seem to bring yourself to do that.
 
How would you handle this??


< Message edited by Missokyst -- 6/29/2007 10:39:45 AM >

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Masterofyoutoo)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 10:49:06 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterofyoutoo
She asked for an opinion and based on the limited information she gave and i gave mine.  Now mine happens to be based on 17 years of studying pscyhology and human nature in general. 

A Master is a position of power and respect and usually those in such a position require that thier subordinates address them as such (Master, Sir, and quite a few others).  Now most Master's will require thier slaves to call them other things like Hun, dear, or thier first name in public as when operating in the vanilla world as something like Master or Sir would draw undue and unwanted attention to themselves. 

Now given the fact that she has stated that she is having a hard time using these terms with him, it implies that she is having a hard time accepting him as a Master because he is not demanding the respect due him from a slave at any time at all.  Which if he isn't is a good signifier that he is either very new to the lifestyle and is unused to demanding the respect due him or that he is looking for a sub instead of a slave. 

Which is why i suggest to her that she talk to him and dig into exactly what it is he wants and his intentions are before she becomes too emotionally attached to this "Master" as what she is wanting out of a Master may not be the type of Master that he is and thus not one she is looking to be owned by. 

If she goes into this without first making sure what his intentions are then she risks finding herself in a relationship that she really does not want any part of and ends up hurt in the long run, and that is why i told her to listen to her logic instead of her emotions, I'd rather see her choose a proper fit and be happy then a bad fit and deal with undue anguish.

What's your response based on? 2 seconds of browsing a response?

Now as far as knowing what her gut reaction was i don't but i can make a pretty good and educated guess that it was a bad gut reaction otherwise she would not have made a post on a public forum seeking advice and the fact that she stated she is having a problem with this guy.

As far as your gut reaction to me? Quite honestly I don't care, based on the lack of attention you obviously pay to what you are reading and the fact that you post without completely reading and understanding what was said in posts that you reply to and the amount of actual thought that you put into your replies along with your post count.  Tend to suggest that you just like to hear yourself talk and pay little attention to what you are saying.  So in otherwords your really not worth my time.



Thank you for the enlightenment O' Wise Sage One!

Wow....you give some people a shovel and....

Before you get all the way to China I'd like to point out to you (since you don't seem to have learned it in your "17 years of studying pscyhology and human nature in general"), that making assumptions, jumping to conclusions and making blanket generalized statements are probably not really the best methods of communicating.


< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/29/2007 11:02:36 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Masterofyoutoo)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 11:01:03 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		meh, if he really studied it, wouldn't he at least know how to spell the discipline?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 11:01:23 AM   
laineyjade


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline 		How about putting this back into the Master's hands by explaining that you're having some difficulties getting used to the terms of endearment he wants you to call him, and the reasons why you feel that way?

If he's good at resolving slaves' difficulties (and he'll have to be good at it to be able to handle anyone as a complex human being), then he will take the lead in exploring what brought you to this point, how to unblock you or reframe your discomfort, or eventually reach a compromise that feels good for both of you.

If he's a "My Way Or The Highway" sort of guy or just commands you to get over it, or any other form of non-communication, well.... then you'll know he's not very interested or experienced at handling emotional blockages and other normal human situations, and he might turn out to be either vanilla or a particularly obtuse, rigid thinker.

(in reply to brattybutcute)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 12:31:07 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It is a form of submission.  He wants you to do it his way, not the way you have been used to.  You simply obey, or not.  If he is worth submitting to for you, then you do it, just as he desires and then please him with your obedience.
 
Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to brattybutcute)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 12:39:58 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear brattybutcute, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
As a seasoned slave, you are entitled to be respected.  You have come through a period when protocol, etiquette and such was engrained and it has become part of you as a total person.
 
In my mind's eyes I see --if I was a seasoned slave and some new Master wished me to call him Honey bunch--I would say here are your oats and hand over a bucket full of his 'oats' -- then I would leave.
If I wanted a boyfriend --I could find plenty.  I want a Master--I would take General George S. Patton's comments of the beaten 3rd Corps during WWII.  In summary, he said -- If the soldier cannot dress like one, behave like one--how can he be expected to fight like one.  I think it holds true with Masters as much as slaves.
 
Affection is one thing --but, I would find it difficult to serve a Master who wouldn't feed that exchange of authority and respect.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to brattybutcute)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 12:58:21 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterofyoutoo

She asked for an opinion and based on the limited information she gave and i gave mine.  Now mine happens to be based on 17 years of studying pscyhology and human nature in general. 


Ok, after 17 years of study, do you have a degree in psychology?  Or is this simply an online boast meaning that you've lived 17 years?

quote:

 
A Master is a position of power and respect and usually those in such a position require that thier subordinates address them as such (Master, Sir, and quite a few others).  Now most Master's will require thier slaves to call them other things like Hun, dear, or thier first name in public as when operating in the vanilla world as something like Master or Sir would draw undue and unwanted attention to themselves.


Are you implying that all "Masters" must comply with what the majority require of their submissive/slave?  And if so, who is actually doing the Mastering?  Or does that fine point escape you?

quote:

 
Now given the fact that she has stated that she is having a hard time using these terms with him, it implies that she is having a hard time accepting him as a Master because he is not demanding the respect due him from a slave at any time at all. 


Ok, I'm having a hard time accepting you as a real time Dominant, but that's just a tangent.  Lemme clue you in... if a Dominant has to demand respect, he's neither a Dominant nor worthy of respect.

quote:

 
Which if he isn't is a good signifier that he is either very new to the lifestyle and is unused to demanding the respect due him or that he is looking for a sub instead of a slave. 


Yeah, I'm with you on the "new to the lifestyle" thing.  How many candles are on your cake?

quote:

 
Which is why i suggest to her that she talk to him and dig into exactly what it is he wants and his intentions are before she becomes too emotionally attached to this "Master" as what she is wanting out of a Master may not be the type of Master that he is and thus not one she is looking to be owned by. 


He has stated that he wants her to call him "honey" or some such thing.  You've already taken issue with that.  Do you intend to stand over his shoulder and critique everything he does, wants, etc?

quote:

 
If she goes into this without first making sure what his intentions are then she risks finding herself in a relationship that she really does not want any part of and ends up hurt in the long run, and that is why i told her to listen to her logic instead of her emotions, I'd rather see her choose a proper fit and be happy then a bad fit and deal with undue anguish.


Just so long as the underlying issue is not manipulating her into choosing a Master that meets with your approval, rather than hers.  Which I believe is the underlying issue here.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Masterofyoutoo)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/29/2007 4:05:53 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterofyoutoo

Just my opinion, as i do not personally know the master in question.    Hun, Dear, Darlin is not a term used between a master and slave it is those are terms more commonly used by those of the vanilla world to refer to thier spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. 

If i were to guess i'd say this new "Master" is very new to the lifestyle and does not understand the difference between Master/Dom or slave/sub and just may be looking for more of a girlfriend/sub then a slave.  My suggestion would be to use vanilla terms to figure out what type of arrangement he is looking to get involved in and how long he has really been into the lifestyle.  And then determine if he is really the right "Master" for you.

Being as you have been living 21 years as a slave i would say your gut reaction is already telling you that this Master is not right for you.  I'd say go with your gut instint rather then your desire, as your gut will aid your logic where as desires just clouds it.

While I wouldn't presume to pigeon-hole a stranger's motives, thoughts and intentions so specifically, I generally agree with the gist of what's stated here.
 
Frankly, I loathe terms such as "Hun,,,Dear,, Darlin" (from the OP) and didn't especially appreciate them in my past vanilla relationships - but that's where they belong, IMO.  And I personally think the OP is reading this request as a red flag, as am I....
 
But it is only *one* red flag and I concur with the general advice that communication is what's needed here.
 
Focus.

(in reply to Masterofyoutoo)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 12:52:16 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		[quote   Hun, Dear, Darlin is not a term used between a master and slave[/quote]
Would you tell me Cupcake, which Handbook of Domliness has that rule?  Just so I can show  it to all the M/s couples I know.  Thanks, Sugarbuns!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Masterofyoutoo)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 2:04:57 AM   
Dini


Posts: 44
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		*sits back with a smile* This is a topic that cam up on Thursday night at our local munch… it was quite interesting to sit around a table with several Dom/mes all sharing personal preferences.
 
The conversations started with a comment I hade made regarding My new boy, W/we have been together for a few weeks, and are still getting to know each other, we have not played much and are spending Hours chatting and having discussions whilst sitting in front of a cosy fire ( the pet is very new to the lifestyle) … I am insisting on a D/s relationship and full respect, but My preference is that he calls me Ms, m’Lady or even Miss D.. he slipped up on Thursday and called Me Mistress in front of several other Dommes, and I reacted, since that is a tern I feel he has not earned the right to use yet, it will still be quite a while before he has proven himself worthy of that gift.. and oddly enough My sentiments were shared by several of the Others…
 
 
As so many of the other’s have indicated in this thread, each Dom/me has there own likes / dislikes and each relationship is different. The biggest thing is to communicate.. explain to Him how you fee, and take it from there… Do not just leave this, since the frustration and confusion can lead to unhappiness that could have been avoided with an open line of communication. After all W/we are all in this lifestyle because W/we want to be.. it is fun and intense and divine!!!
 
Just as a quick side thought.. He knows that you have been in a D/s relationship for so many years, it this not maybe His way of keeping you on your toes… I have seen many submissives for who the honorific of Master / Mistress etc has become a habit… I can see this being used as a way of taking one out of there comfort zones and actually making them think about the way of addressing there Dom/me
 
Dini

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 2:21:54 AM   
bloodroseDT


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Sometimes she will refer to him as Lord Domly Dude of Doom or even (oh horrors) asshole!(in the fondest way of course)



Lord Domly Dude of Doom LMAO i love it too cute

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 8:27:44 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this, then you shouldn't be entering into a relationship with him.

Honestly, what is so terribly difficult about saying "You know, it makes me feel weird to be told to call you honey. Partly because in past relationships I was required to use honorifics and partly because we aren't in a romantic relationship." And then wait to see his answer.

We've been in a relationship four years and he is a laid back person. He dislikes dear but likes honey and sweetheart. The fact that he is a romantic does not negate his dominance. Additionally he would think it entirely wrong to require me to refer to him as "Oh Great Domly One" or whatever in front of our blended family, or my father, or his best friend etc.

Ask him what his reasons are and see if he is compatible in other ways. Because if the only problem you have is how to refer to him, then you're doing quite well.

(in reply to bloodroseDT)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 9:09:35 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Although I agree with the prevailing opinion that you need to talk to him about this, there is another step which I would take first.

Talk to yourself.

You can't bring yourself to do what is being asked of you, even though you have lived the lifestyle for a very long time. So my question to you is Why? Why can't you bring yourself to do this? You are not saying you are reluctant to do it, or uncomfortable doing it, you say you "can't" do it. What is the personal block within yourself? What is the issue inside of your head?

Self introspection might do you a lot of good here, not only for this situation, but others.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to brattybutcute)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 9:14:30 AM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		I can get used to calling my Dom anything as long as it isn't Dickhead...lol

Whats wrong with terms of endearment.. honey, sweetie etc.?

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 9:17:22 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think there's anything wrong with those terms.

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Don't know what to do - 6/30/2007 9:21:42 AM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		If I tell my slave to refer to me as chocolate bunny rabbit bun bun I expect him to do it. Whether he likes it or not, whatever it does to his fantasies about my all powerful nature or not. Just do it.

Crazy, I know.

I expect obedience. Those throwing around military metaphors seem more concerned with parade gloss than whether that person is willing to charge.

There's nothing obtuse or inexperienced or green about this outlook. I'm willing to communicate till the cows come home about how he *feels* about it. But it would be done.


< Message edited by Grlwithboy -- 6/30/2007 9:25:41 AM >

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 40
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