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Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 4:37:02 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

My boy is going through some issues, some that he recognizes (depression) some others that he may not yet recognize (self esteem, overall unhappiness with his current life situation.) When we got together (2nd time around) I was very clear that I was his Domme, not his girlfriend. Now we are having some serious topping from the bottom issues. I frequently receive lists of things I am not doing that he feels he needs (yes, sometimes I invite the comments, but not always.) He appears pretty thoroughly dissatisfied with much that I do, and is not following directions, then complains that I ask too much of him. Trust me, I ask very little. There is a part of me that wants to release him and send him to a pro Domme to resolve his issues. That may be too harsh as he is struggling with some difficult issues. He has a very romantic notion of how D/s should be. I am clearly not meeting his expectations. I am unhappy with his behavior, he is unhappy with my attentions. The choice seems clear - but I still would like some input from anyone who has suggestions. Releasing him will not bring him the happiness he seeks, I expect it will simply submerge him deeper into his depression. Continuing on the way things are is only going to continue to frustrate and piss me off...so there is no simple solution...as we are both human beings and have feeling's to consider. This is probably a jumble and badly worded, but it felt more productive to bring it here than to drive up there and beat the hell out of him in his driveway...:) Thanks for listening.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Post #: 1

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 5:09:05 PM

Trampler

Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline

It sounds like he has some issues he needs to work thru, and you 2 should probably take a break from the D/s dynamic,(and maybe from each other while he works thru it. with a kink aware therapist I hope.) It could be that the dynamic that you 2 set up isn't what he wants, you mentioned something about you not being his gf, was that an issue the 1st time around? could be that he prefers that. A vanilla gf, and a sadistic bitch in the bedroom. But at any rate, that is guessing. Have a Heart-to-Heart and hopefully you can come up with a solution. I hope you post your desicion. And I know you don't know me, but you can write and pour your heart out to me. I am a good listener. ***hugs***

_____________________________

I want to step ALL over you!

Our Community may be openminded as a whole, BUT it is made up of indivduals who bring in their own baggage,perceptions and agendas

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 2

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 5:20:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

This is why I really don't get involved with people who have serious depression or bipolar issues. Send him to serious therapy with someone he really trusts, and remain friends.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Trampler)

Post #: 3

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 5:45:08 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

This is why I really don't get involved with people who have serious depression or bipolar issues. Send him to serious therapy with someone he really trusts, and remain friends.

I thoroughly agree with LA... you'll make no lasting progress on a relationship (or relationship dynamic) unless and until he makes personal progress via therapy (and probably a drug regimen).

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 5:55:33 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

My opinion is slightly different. I think you need to a) explain clearly what roles you can and cannot play with him (gf vs.domme) b) tell him that he needs to get professional help if you are going to stay in his life as a Domme 3) set a date to re-evaluate (1 to 3 months) the relationship 4) tell him that if he persists in being unable to accept your direction and guidance that you will release him. I think he should have an opportunity to work on his issues before you let him go. I understand why some people say that he should get the therapy and help first, but holding onto the relationship may actually motivate him to get help and move on it faster than he would otherwise. Just my thoughts.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 5

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:01:48 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
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One of the issues related to getting the therapy first is that it's quite possible for a Dominant (in many ways) to contradict the work that's being done in therapy. That would be rather counter productive, and create an obvious conflict that could do further "harm".

But of course, each will do as they wish.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 6

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:05:18 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

Oh Cloudz,
I don't get lists, we have disussions.. and my pet isn't suffering from deep depression. But I am having a hard time with his romantic views too. Like he knew I was poly from the word go, and that I'm not his g/f. (hell, I'm old enough to be his mother if I had started at a too early age). And he has a big issue with possesiveness to the point of actively "disliking" the other switch I play with.
He also has a different view of submission I think.. To me, it isn't really submission when you're only doing the things you want to do, or don't mind doing. Its doing the stuff that you'd rather not do that makes it submission in my eyes.

So no, I can't help you, but I can tell you you aren't alone.

Psy

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 7

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:06:32 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Thanks Trampler,

I am trying to have a heart to heart with him now. His suggestion for a heart to heart includes getting naked and me cuddling with him while he feels no pressure of any kind. Just call me TeddyBearDomme!

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Trampler)

Post #: 8

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:10:25 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
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LA and Rover -

Excellent point. I was unaware of his depression issues when we started the journey.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 9

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:12:46 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

LA and Rover -

Excellent point. I was unaware of his depression issues when we started the journey.

It may feel as though you're abandoning him to get that therapy, and it's quite likely that he will manipulate you in that regard. But the terms "enabler" and "tough love" should spring to mind as well.

Best of luck in what is obviously an exceptionally difficult situation.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 10

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:17:37 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EvaLass

My opinion is slightly different. I think you need to a) explain clearly what roles you can and cannot play with him (gf vs.domme) b) tell him that he needs to get professional help if you are going to stay in his life as a Domme 3) set a date to re-evaluate (1 to 3 months) the relationship 4) tell him that if he persists in being unable to accept your direction and guidance that you will release him. I think he should have an opportunity to work on his issues before you let him go. I understand why some people say that he should get the therapy and help first, but holding onto the relationship may actually motivate him to get help and move on it faster than he would otherwise. Just my thoughts.

Thank you EvaLass, I will consider your suggestions.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 11

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:24:03 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It sounds to me as though he is trying to shift the blame for some of his problems on to you, even though he may not be conscious that's what he's doing. If he's avoiding dealing with the deeper issues it would make sense. If he's wanting you to rescue him, and you're refusing, this dynamic often crops up. You're his Dominant, not his therapist. You can't solve his problems, only he can. The underlying problems need to be addressed or it's going to end up in a mess again. He's just repeating the previous cycle with different labels. You seem to be handling it well. Tough love works.
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 12

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:31:53 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Cloudz,

I wish you the best in this situation!

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 13

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:33:40 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

therapy rocks but only if the therapist is a good one....

but it is a good course of action and will allow a buffer zone so that you can reevaluate in a few months.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 14

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:35:56 PM

aparootsa

Posts: 49
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline

I'm with Trampler on this one; he sounds like he wants you to be a g/f and not a Domme, and he needs a friend much more than a girlfriend. You ought to cut D/s out of your relationship completely at least for the time being, and then you need to decide (individually and together) what you want in your relationship. While I've never shied away from relationships with girls who have problems, I do have a very realistic view of the complications that will be a part of such relationships. There are things you can't help with, and you need to recognize them - it took me a long time to do so, and it'd have been better if it hadn't. Best of fortune.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:39:49 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Well folks,

Thank you so much for the sound advice. He was VERY upset that I posted here seeking some advice. He repeatedly requested that I delete the thread.."because it makes me look bad and will damage my reputation in the community."

Of course I told him that I had no problem with anything I have written (on this thread or any other). Long story short...he asked for release and was granted it. I wished him well. Thank you all so much for the quick responses and the excellent suggestions. I shall take a break from the stress and at some point in the future, resume the hunt.

Blessings to all.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 16

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 6:58:04 PM

Ayanaev717

Posts: 72
Status: offline

Cloudz

You said that he has depression and a side of overall unhappiness. Well this could be the source of your problem. He doesn't need a Pro Domme he needs treatment by a professional counselor. He also needs to realize he HAS a problem. Many people say they have an issue but are in complete denial when it comes to working on it.

It sounds like he is looking for you to solve the problems within in his own life and is using D/s as to deal with his depression, low self-esteem, low self-concept, and generally completely oblivious that he is the cause of his own problems.

If I were depressed, I surely would not want someone telling me how to do things. Also he could also be using you as a reflective mirror to take out his frustrations and negativity. I would stop reacting and stop giving attention to any poor behavior he is doing. I would come up with a distant rule if he continues his poor behavior. Or you could simply stop D/s now...and refer him to therapy and until he shows improvement not work with him.

Or simply cut your losses and let him go. Sometimes misery likes to keep company.

Good luck,

A

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 17

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 8:28:23 PM

Duty2Please

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/15/2007
Status: offline

I'm the submissive Cloudz was referring to.

I won't make a single criticism of my former domme. It's not good form. We had our differences, I requested release. She granted it. It was a very angry breakup between two good people, and in my experience, the angriest I've ever been involved in. It's over.

I will say that I disagree with 99 to 100 percent of the description given in the original post. The description of the relationship is not as I remember it, and the complaints about me are ones that I don't recall getting before. The quote in the later post about making me look bad is also a bit inaccurate. I copy important instant-message conversations and what I said was, "bringing them up on the CollarMe message board ... [deleting a personal criticism here] ... is a very bad move, both for me and, especially, for you. If you can take down that post it would be a good idea. It makes you look bad". I repeated essentially the same idea two more times.

The only reason I'm posting this note is because about the same time that the original post of this thread appeared on the boards, Cloudz for the first time in our relationship told me to note in my profile and in the sig line of my message-board profile that I was hers. This previously hadn't been requested or perhaps noticed by her. So some people may have identified me as the sub she was posting about. I asked her whether there was a connection between her directive and the fact that this thread appeared, but I never got an answer.

I have been a bit depressed (that's the 1 percent I agree with), but other than my bringing it up with her just a few hours ago, I don't recall ever discussing it with her, and I don't think it's as severe as she's made it out to be. I guess that must automatically mean I'm in denial. I'll deal with it appropriately and ... privately. Thank you everybody for your concern, but it may be somewhat misplaced.

I wish the best for Cloudz.

Now I'm going to delete my account and try to regain my privacy.

(in reply to Ayanaev717)

Post #: 18

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 8:40:14 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Wow, I do hate to engage in a war of words. We have already done that. The boy is certainly entitled to his opinions, but when he requested that he be allowed to identify himself as my submissive in his profile, I granted it. I find it a sad comment to his current mental state that he somehow feels I did it as part of a "master plan" to somehow shame or embarrass him.

I have stated publicly on these boards that I had a "world class submissive" although I did not identify him by name. He was outstanding in every postive venture he chose to undertake, and I greatly enjoyed my time with him. I wish him well and sucess in finding the Domme of his dreams.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Duty2Please)

Post #: 19

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 9:38:57 PM

Duty2Please

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

Wow, I do hate to engage in a war of words. We have already done that. The boy is certainly entitled to his opinions, but when he requested that he be allowed to identify himself as my submissive in his profile, I granted it. I find it a sad comment to his current mental state that he somehow feels I did it as part of a "master plan" to somehow shame or embarrass him.

Actually, I didn't say that. My point was to say why I was commenting at all on something I thought was inappropriate to post about, at least at this time. I just stated the facts as I saw them, and while it did seem suspicious to me, I wouldn't be right to make an outright accusation. And perhaps I misremembered. In these circumstances, it's easy for someone who's upset to misremember the facts, isn't it?

quote:

I have stated publicly on these boards that I had a "world class submissive" although I did not identify him by name. He was outstanding in every postive venture he chose to undertake, and I greatly enjoyed my time with him. I wish him well and sucess in finding the Domme of his dreams.

Yes, four days ago you called me "world class." Thank you, again.

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 20

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