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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/1/2007 9:45:49 PM

Cloudz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Duty2Please
Now I'm going to delete my account and try to regain my privacy.

As soon as...? Okay folks, show is over.. at least on my end. Thanks for stopping bye :)

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 1:48:38 AM

satyrsnymph28

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i feel a little like that with my boy...

he's wonderful, but sometimes he says things that feel like a total slap in the face...

i understand he's struggling... and i just keep wishing things to get better...

i've almost started to wonder how long i should wait before i let him go... i just want schedules and stuff to even out first to see if that makes a diffrence...

i really just simply adore him... so if that time ever came where things didnt get better, i would really struggle with that.

theres a lot to these relationships... more than i ever thought. he has such a strong opinion on some things... things he's done for others, but then refuses when i tell him to...

and i get it, but it hurts... because he's flat out telling me no to things that i am trying to require of him... and it only bothers me more when he tells me he did it for another Domme in the past, but won't do it for me... makes me want to scream at him.

We just had our 2nd meeting... and I felt like I had a plan in my head of things I wanted and where I wanted this to go... but I get frightened sometimes now to bring up stuff because he has suggested on occasion that if there are certain specific things I intend to require then this relationship will simply go away...

Yeah, I guess I don't quite know how to cope either...

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 6:14:57 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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Sometimes the best thing to do is separate from each other. The more you try to help the worse things seem to become. He has some things he needs to work through before he can have a healthy relationship.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 6:21:45 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Depression and self worth issues are issues a therapist should help him deal with. You can, and should, provide support and a positive environment, of course.

As for the Ds. sit down and write out what you want and what you have to give. Hand him a copy. If he doesn't agree, he's not a match for you at this time. If you really feel drawn to him, let him know that there's always the chance for him to petition you once he's been in therapy for a while.

Master Fire

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 8:51:51 AM

slavemaia

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Greetings Cloudz,

i understand Your situation. i've had difficulties that have been similar. i finally had to accept that slave or not, my emotions are my responsibility and my agreement with Chairman is He's the authority, not me. He can't MAKE me feel, say, think or do anything. He can only participate in a mutually agreed upon dynamic - one that requires Him to be responsible for His part and me to be responsible for mine. He can't MAKE me submit and trying to do so is exhausting to say the least.

Yet i do face fears and other emotions but these are my responsibility to handle and work through. W/we discuss all of O/our feelings and W/we discuss how everything in O/our lives relates to the M/s, but until each of U/us accepts and embraces what is O/our responsibility in the relationship, there is struggle and conflict.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 1:18:52 PM

Cloudz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavemaia

Greetings Cloudz,

i understand Your situation. i've had difficulties that have been similar. i finally had to accept that slave or not, my emotions are my responsibility and my agreement with Chairman is He's the authority, not me. He can't MAKE me feel, say, think or do anything. He can only participate in a mutually agreed upon dynamic - one that requires Him to be responsible for His part and me to be responsible for mine. He can't MAKE me submit and trying to do so is exhausting to say the least.

Thank you for your honesty and your comments. Yes, it is exhausting to try and carry the emotional burden for both, as well as unhealthy and unrealistic. It sounds like you are working through your issues together, which is normally the prefered way. I wish you much happiness with your relationship.

Bright Blessings!

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 1:27:08 PM

Sinergy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

Well folks,

Thank you so much for the sound advice. He was VERY upset that I posted here seeking some advice. He repeatedly requested that I delete the thread.."because it makes me look bad and will damage my reputation in the community."

Of course I told him that I had no problem with anything I have written (on this thread or any other). Long story short...he asked for release and was granted it. I wished him well. Thank you all so much for the quick responses and the excellent suggestions. I shall take a break from the stress and at some point in the future, resume the hunt.

Blessings to all.

In your initial post, Cloudz, you made a comment that your submissive had provided you with a long laundry list of his needs, and used the old emotional blackmail (I have issues, I need these, if you loved me you would do them, yadda yadda yadda) approach to try to get you to provide them for him.

When I have given in to this sort of thing, I have ended up feeling sorry I did. As somebody else pointed out, I am the Dominant, I am not the therapist. Even if I was a therapist (I have done this in the past), I am not YOUR therapist. I will actively listen. I might suggest things. What I will not do is allow myself to be on the receiving end of a "this will fix me" sniper rifle and take a bullet when it turns it to not fix the person.

You have my sympathies, or whatever emotion is appropriate, for what you are going through. But I suspect it will work out for all concerned in the end.

Sinergy

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 2:05:38 PM

Cloudz

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Hi Sinergy,

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I find that things generally work out the way they are supposed to. My hopes are that we both grew from the time we had together, although that time is over now.

Be well.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 2:09:31 PM

MstrssPassion

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I respect that you are trying to do what is right by him but there are those times when you have to do what is right for you

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 2:40:14 PM

Cloudz

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Thank you. I have.

Bright Blessings

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~Cloudz

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/2/2007 7:46:28 PM

becca333

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BDSM isn't some wonderful way to heal problems. It's not therapy. In fact, it's really not for anyone who isn't coping well - it needs strength of will and character, and a really good self-image.

When there's discord and hostility, it's time to set each other free and move on. I hope he gets the help he needs, and I hope you find someone who matches your needs.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/3/2007 3:18:01 PM

Calandra

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~fast reply~

I completely disagree with the idea that D/s isn't "therapy".

I think I disagree mainly because the idea is presented as a concrete inflexible absolute, and in life there ARE no absolutes.

Sure, many humans (both Dom and sub) carry baggage. Many of us have behavioral problems in some form at specific points in our lives. The idea that we have to stop whatever it is we're doing and run to the nearest psychologist is insane!

There was a time in my life when I was dealing with serious problems. They were interfering with my relationships, and causing me to see things through a very dysfunctional filter. I was a Mystress with a household of two sub/slaves (cubby and Nomi are still with me, and never wavered throughout the ordeal).

I went to a therapist. She was fairly new in her practice, so I was prepared to inform her of My life's choices so that she could help me find solutions that fit ME. I actually think I helped her too, because she understands that while I was dealing with a past rape and the aftermath, she saw that a D/s poly family CAN be a positive, nurturing, loyal, and acceptable family unit. I think she will always be "kink aware" and a better therapist for it.

Cubby and Nomi also attended sessions with me from time to time... she worked on our whole family by focusing her attentions in two places:
1.) the challenges we faced in our day to day life due to my past trauma. She offered coping tools and communication ideas that helped us begin to resolve the problems between us.
2.) The past trauma itself.

DON'T stop the D/s dynamic if it is a lifeline for either of you! Simply go to a therapist, begin by saying, "we are an alternative family, are you willing and able to accept that, and adjust your advice accordingly?" If the therapist balks at your lifestyle and it is part of who you are, how do you know they will respect you enough to help you as an individual or as a family?

And YES your partner can be a therapist of sorts. Only you can determine if they have earned your trust and if they understand you. Are they balanced in their advice or are they emotional and given to tantrums or manipulation? Does their life "work"? Obviously if they can govern their own life, they must have some good instincts that you can benefit from. Do they have peace of mind and does being with them inspire you to listen to them?

I have assisted cubby through some pretty serious baggage. I have been side by side with Nomi through some serious baggage (and sent her to therapy when some of her issues go too deep for my abilities). I am gearing up to be full partner and helper with toad through this aspergers diagnosis.

I think that sometimes the advice found here is offered in absolutes and a thinking person should listen to all sides. I only wish that more sides were offered on some of these threads.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/3/2007 4:05:22 PM

HornyToadsMI

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For my 2 cents.....sometimes no matter what you do, you can not make another happy. There is not compatibility. Or the compatibility has changed due to changes in life. Lady Cloudz.....i wish you better fortune down the new road. :)

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/3/2007 4:23:39 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra

~fast reply~

I completely disagree with the idea that D/s isn't "therapy".

I agree with this on some levels, however, I don't think it should be the ONLY therapy. The work that we can do using BDSM as a tool for catharsis and self discovery can be invaluable. But, there are things that people need trained minds to get to. In a perfect world, these things work hand in hand for those who desire it to!

Master Fire

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Post #: 34

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/3/2007 4:41:54 PM

WhiplashSmile

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

Thanks Trampler,

I am trying to have a heart to heart with him now. His suggestion for a heart to heart includes getting naked and me cuddling with him while he feels no pressure of any kind. Just call me TeddyBearDomme!

Awwweee... The Daddy side of me would simply do this for a little girl. That is lay there naked holding her while she feels no pressure of any kind. Sounds like he has a little boy side that simply wants to escape the pressure and bullshit of adult world. Mmmmm... perhaps a form of regressive age play is more up this guys alley. Aahhhh but what the Hell do I know, I'm just pitching out my thoughts without really knowing the whole situation.

Based on your Opening Post, you mentioned something about making it clear that you were his Domme and not girl friend. Sounds like he is/was seeking both from you. Perhaps it's best to let him go find the Domme that can be the best of both to him. Sounds like he's looking for a bit of a Mommy Domme still in my opinion.

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/4/2007 8:40:40 AM

DominantAndre

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I didn't read the entire forum because it was started so long ago, but in reading the OP, my recommendation then as it would be today is, release him.

Based on what was posted then, you had lost respect for your DOMME as DOMME and viewed the relationship more as equals.

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Post #: 36

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/4/2007 11:49:12 AM

Cloudz

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Calandra,

Thank you for your thoughts. I would have helped him in any way possible, but his anger was misdirected at me. Unfortuanately he reacted badly, repeatedly during an angry time. The result was he requested release and it was granted. Self reflection would be good for his journey, but I cannot make him do that any more than I could stem his anger. Yes, a Dominant and a submissive can learn and grow togehter, but only if both are willing to make the journey.

Be well.

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~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

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RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/4/2007 11:50:48 AM

Cloudz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HornyToadsMI

For my 2 cents.....sometimes no matter what you do, you can not make another happy. There is not compatibility. Or the compatibility has changed due to changes in life. Lady Cloudz.....i wish you better fortune down the new road. :)

Thank you

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Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

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Post #: 38

RE: Frustrated!!! - 7/4/2007 11:54:31 AM

Cloudz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

Thanks Trampler,

I am trying to have a heart to heart with him now. His suggestion for a heart to heart includes getting naked and me cuddling with him while he feels no pressure of any kind. Just call me TeddyBearDomme!

Awwweee... The Daddy side of me would simply do this for a little girl. That is lay there naked holding her while she feels no pressure of any kind. Sounds like he has a little boy side that simply wants to escape the pressure and bullshit of adult world. Mmmmm... perhaps a form of regressive age play is more up this guys alley. Aahhhh but what the Hell do I know, I'm just pitching out my thoughts without really knowing the whole situation.

Based on your Opening Post, you mentioned something about making it clear that you were his Domme and not girl friend. Sounds like he is/was seeking both from you. Perhaps it's best to let him go find the Domme that can be the best of both to him. Sounds like he's looking for a bit of a Mommy Domme still in my opinion.

Yes. My post about being a TeddybearDomme was mean and spoken in anger. It is not my nature to be mean or to respond in anger. It was a hurtful, spiteful comment, and one that I regret. I do not regret however refusing his suggestion...that would have merely prolonged the situation, and would not, ultimately have been benefical to him outside the moment.

Be well.

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Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

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Post #: 39