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New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 5:31:50 AM

manhere4u

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I am curious why it is so difficult to find a Mistress that is willing to take on a novice. Is this normal or am I expecting too much. I have tried the net and am a member of several sites. Most dont even reply to emails. Any suggestions. Thanks

mike

Post #: 1

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 6:38:37 AM

suberic

Posts: 175
Joined: 1/9/2005
From: Nashville TN
Status: offline

A lot of mistresses on this forum have very precice requirments in a submissive they are looking for. Getting unsolicited emails from subs here generally doesn't make them want to look at that sub very closely.

My lady joined here not too long ago, and within a few hours of her joining, she had three subs coming at her asking to be dominated by her. Now understand something, she was NOT looking for a new sub, she had it in her profile that we (meaning both of us) were looking for a bisexual girl to join us, and all these men were asking her to dominate them. She politely refused. It wasn't so polite a week later when she KEPT getting pestered.

She finally put in her profile that unless these men had a vagina, breasts and were willing to relocate at their own expense, that they were not even in consideration. After that, she simply started deleting unsolicited emails that she got.

Heck, I have emailed mistresses on this board for business purposes and most times I don't get a response. That's fine. I don't mind.

It could be a combination of things, your approch, not reading their profile or ignoring inconvienient things like "I'm not taking subs" in their profile, or just not thinking.

Understand that they will do what they will do, and all you can do is tolerate it. That is, what a mistress is supposed to do.

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 2

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 7:44:41 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: manhere4u

I am curious why it is so difficult to find a Mistress that is willing to take on a novice. Is this normal or am I expecting too much. I have tried the net and am a member of several sites. Most dont even reply to emails. Any suggestions. Thanks

mike

I can only answer for myself:

I consider carefully both novice and non novice. I have looked at your profile, and do not get a real feel for "you". In my case, I have a VERY SIMPLE instruction in my profile, yet you would be suprised how many times it is now followed. Novice or not, it is so simple, I delete the email if it is not followed. (It is simple for that very reason). I do not know what you send out in your emails, but if I receive one that is filled with specific sexual acts, even if worded respectfully, tells me you have an agenda in mind, and I do not like to pursue those possibilities, because I will not be put in the position of meeting or not meeting your agenda before we even meet. A lot of novices(I'm not saying you), even those that are "seasoned", tend to focus on the sexual aspects of D/s, and that aspect if I choose to go that route, is not the most important to me. I like to see an applicant that is willing to explore the service side as well (and I do not mean just handyman, but personal service also). I'm not sure if this helps you or not. I would suggest getting on these boards, and see what different Mistresses' views are, then emailing them with a comment about one/some of their posts. It will greatly distance you from the crowd for her to know you have read HER words and they have made you think.

< Message edited by kc692 -- 6/14/2005 7:46:11 AM >

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 3

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 8:39:22 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

right now just looking to meet others and learn. I am a clean open minded male seeking to expand my horizons. I am bored with the regular stuff and would like more excitement. I am a quick leaner and would be open to your directions. If you would be interested in training a man to your delight than I am the one to serve you.

Your profile above gives me the impression that you want to play bottom to someone willing to create the sensations for you because you're bored with vanilla sex (I could be wrong, I know).

It says nothing about the man that you are, and nowhere in there do you indicate being interested in connecting beyond sexual... There's nothing wrong with that at all, but you're not going to be of interest to a lady who wants more than that; and just know that even being a novice, I've never met a men (vanilla or lifestyler) who would object to playing bottom sexually... So, if other dominas interpret your profile as I did, you're not going to get much serious attention, because as I've already said male bottom players are plentiful.. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 4

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 8:56:52 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

From a Domina's POV, I have to agree with both kc and M. And suberic has makes very good points also. I looked at your prfoile and it does not impress. Many of Us are looking for more than a boy who wants Us to use his body so he can learn how all the new and intersting kink feels.
I don't know what email you are sending out to the Ladies you are trying to connect with, but I would suggesst you get involved in your local scene for some experience and to make some friends. Perhaps you can even find a mentor there.
I also have very specific requirements in My profile, yet many do not pay attention. We do look at these things.
Good luck and welcome.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 6/14/2005 2:10:51 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 5

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 9:31:29 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

Sometimes it is difficult to connect, and it takes a long time.

You have to remember that there are a bunch of submissive guys that are trying to "score" as well as sincere submissive guys that are trying to find something real. You're competing with all of them. Some of them are very good at talking the talk, to the point where a lot of women are turned off by practically anyone who writes to them. Sometimes, you have to really set the bar pretty high and then try to jump over it.

I, too, have a lot of trouble connecting, or even getting a response. It probably hurts that I don't contact very many people and that I haven't been in the scene for nearly seven years now. But at least I understand that the difficulties are pretty much on me. In the past several months, I wrote to one woman to whom I thought fit with both my desires and what she was seeking (I try not to waste the time of most women, pretty much leaving it up to them to contact me if they're interested so I don't overwhelm them with the numbers of HNGs they get already). The woman I wrote to never even responded. That happens. A lot, from my understanding.

Some of the posters here have responded about your profile. You might want to revisit what is in that, but at the same time writing what might get you a connection isn't really productive if what you write isn't what you really mean. It takes very little time for a woman to figure out if someone isn't sincere once communication begins. Again, that hurdle is set very high.

The other piece of advice I'd like to put forth is the concept of patience. Even if you think you've been waiting for a long time, you probably haven't. If you're expecting to make a connection in the first moments, you're pretty much fooling yourself. This is usually where most people tend to quit (the sincere ones as well) because it can be extremely frustrating.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 6

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 10:03:08 AM

littlespike

Posts: 80
Joined: 5/21/2005
From: Austin
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

male bottom players are plentiful

Protocol Points to Avoid Being a Jerk

Here is an essay that puts the ratio of Dommes to subies at somewhere between 1:10 to 1:100.

Respectfully
little spike

_____________________________

http://www.goddessselene.com/ -- My Mistress and best friend

http://www.homepage.bannerzzz.com/ - My homepage

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 7

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 10:12:11 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

(I try not to waste the time of most women, pretty much leaving it up to them to contact me if they're interested so I don't overwhelm them with the numbers of HNGs they get already

I must be honest, I have only done one search. I agree with you on one hand about the excessive HNG mail (believe me, I get a lot), but when I receive a well thought letter, I try to respond, even if it's to say I don't think we would be a good fit for whatever reason. I try to send at at least a "thank you" when I receive a true compliment. That's my reply, and it is short, but the compliments do not appear to expect a reply so I am glad to say simply "Thank you". I'm sure that I might misread a real letter for an HNG at times and hit delete, but you are right, the letters have to be worded as to catch our attention.

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 8

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 10:31:51 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlespike

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

male bottom players are plentiful

Protocol Points to Avoid Being a Jerk

Here is an essay that puts the ratio of Dommes to subies at somewhere between 1:10 to 1:100.

Respectfully
little spike

There is nothing to substantiate the 1:10 or 1:100 numbers -- those are just randomly created. And, if you add in some certain critera for the femdoms that are seeking *relationships*, not play partners, a great many of those "subs looking for femdoms" are not relevant at all, and the numbers become more realistic. Of the 100 subs in the 100:1 ratio, for example, if you:

* eliminate those who are married
* eliminate those who see BDSM as just the next pit stop on their search to somehow find a sex or relationship partner; their interest in kink started fast and probably will end fast
* eliminate those who are just looking for any femdom action, and have messaged a form letter
* eliminate those that have little or no relationship history
* eliminate those that are not in a stable job, have a career, or have clear goals
* eliminate those that a woman would not feel comfortable meeting her friends or family
* eliminate those with poor hygeine, poor social skills, low self esteem
* eliminate those who are really not submissive, but extremely shy and passive, and want a woman to take control to reduce risk
* eliminate those who spend more time in front of their PC looking at femdom-related material in one week than time they spent outdoors, in a social activity, with friends, with family, or working on a personal challenge or growth project

And then, on top of that, you have to add on the criteria that a woman might have specific to her -- mutual interests, life views, activity level, shared spirituality, etc.

Yes, there are a lot of submissives out there, but how many are "relationship material"?

And note that the list I gave above is very general, and some women may be willing to compromise on some of them, but not that many.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to littlespike)

Post #: 9

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 11:02:58 AM

manhere4u

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Thanks all for your responses and I will definitely redo my profile here. And also develope another mindset as I comtinue.

mike

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 10

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 12:37:11 PM

littlespike

Posts: 80
Joined: 5/21/2005
From: Austin
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Yes, there are a lot of submissives out there, but how many are "relationship material"?

i agree that if you do the weeding the ratio, of subies to Dommes, dramatically reduces....little spike

_____________________________

http://www.goddessselene.com/ -- My Mistress and best friend

http://www.homepage.bannerzzz.com/ - My homepage

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 11

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 1:02:54 PM

Dave8544

Posts: 49
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline

I think so many on here are just game players and there is no way to reach them it's just a way to get attention. But for the ones that are looking, I would say just be yourself, if thats not enough you will never stay together anyway. You can't live somneone else's life , I have met a Domme who likes me for just being me, we are attemting to start a relationship, I hope I am lucky and it works out, we shall see. Dave

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 12

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/14/2005 4:22:20 PM

asissyforher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: iowa now..maybe move soon.
Status: offline

you are not going to like my answer....but....actually it is not dificult.

you just have to be in the right place at the time.

oh....btw?

intermingle in person if you can.....

a sissy

_____________________________

"still looking for a real life domme..no more plastic wannabes for me"

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 13

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/18/2005 6:13:49 AM

Iolande

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

I would have to agree with suberic - I was invited to come take a look at the site by a friend who is also up here - I just made an account with the bare minimum information, no profile...and within less than 24 hours, I had numerous messages from male submissives wanting to "submit" to me - several commenting on my fascinating profile. Hello - I didn't HAVE a profile. The whole thing smacked of desperation - that does not make anyone feel special - I definately got the impression that it didn't matter if I were actually a mass-murderer or an abusive nutcase, so long as I presumably had breasts, a vagina, and a dominant attitude, they were willing to hurl themselves at my feet. What a turn off.

My advice would be to wait, watch, and be very selective. Bear in mind that statistically, there are WAY more male submissives than there are dominant females, so it may take awhile for you to connect with someone.

My two cents,
Iolande

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 14

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/18/2005 6:44:57 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

The whole thing smacked of desperation - that does not make anyone feel special - I definately got the impression that it didn't matter if I were actually a mass-murderer or an abusive nutcase, so long as I presumably had breasts, a vagina, and a dominant attitude, they were willing to hurl themselves at my feet. What a turn off.

That is how 99% of the messages that I receive make me feel. I have a blanket answer.

"You obviously have not read my profile or you would have never addressed me this way. The next time you approach someone, try reading their profile first. Not wasting a woman's time is the first sign of respect. I am not interested in your request and I do not which to continue this exchange."

I usually don't get an answer back but many times they ask for a second chance. The nerve! You know, there are very few "male subs" that don't walk around like the world owes them something. It's highly unnattractive.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Iolande)

Post #: 15

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/18/2005 9:53:27 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I hate to be the one to say it, but most novice subs are game players, even if they think they are totally serious. You've no clue how you're going to respond to being tied up and whipped till you've done it. Guess what, a lot of what we do in BDSM is uncomfortable at best and quite painful at worst. Pain hurts. Most subs run screaming into the night. If they do stick around, you have to hand hold them through the normal adjustments to BDSM, which they may not successfully make.

Why should we waste our time on someone who is going to be a one time thing. It is a lot of work finding out that you have similar interests and fetishes with someone. It burns a woman out to go through it time and time again, because the newbie flakes. Out of self defense, most Domme quit dealing with newbies after a short time. This takes your tiny pool of Domme down to a microscopic pool of Domme willing to deal with a newbie.

As a newbie, to be able to attract those very few Domme who are willing to take the risk of wasting time with you, you need to have something to offer. Your best bet is to educate yourself well. You may want to pick up and read Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy. It has a lot of good advice on certain aspects of being a submissive. Since the author tries hard to not assume the gender of a sub or Dominant, she often uses any pronoun, making the book a little confusing if you don't realize what she is doing.

Since you already have a major strike against you, you need to make your strengths very clear in your profile. Do not make ambiguous statements like "Hopefully personal service would be open to an agreeable understanding." You mention wanting to serve. What are you able to do besides computer stuff? Can you offer her cooking service? Housecleaning? Handyman? How would you contribute to HER life.

My suggestion to you is to get out and meet people real time. Go to some munches and make friends. Do not go with the idea of hooking up. Nothing turns a Domme off more than some stranger salivating on her feet. Get to know people. Sometimes, a single male showing up at a munch doesn't get a lot of attention the first time or two he shows up. That will change after a few munches as people get to know you. (Most single submissive men don't bother to show up more than once or twice, since many munch groups do not have a lot of Domme in attendance. Since people don't trust you to show up a second or third time, they make take a while to realize you're going to stick around and you're worth making friends with.... ) Make friends, get known and start a good reputation for yourself. It will help you find what you seek.

I have a few links for you to read. http://www.soj.org/articles/A%20Beginners%20Guide%20to%20BDSM%20Munches.htm (Beginners Guide to Munches,) http://www.femalesincontrol.com/courtship.htm (Courtship of a Dominant Woman) and http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/dompoe.htm ( Sweet Services
For Submissives)

Local to you groups:
http://www.hotlanta.com/bdsm/
http://www.atlantabondageclub.com/
http://atlcal.homestead.com/files/spirit.htm
http://www.seleatherfest.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SoutheastAtlantaMunch/
http://www.bobandmichelle.com/kpog/atlres.htm
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WHIMPER/

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 16

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/18/2005 12:36:14 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
"You obviously have not read my profile or you would have never addressed me this way. The next time you approach someone, try reading their profile first. Not wasting a woman's time is the first sign of respect. I am not interested in your request and I do not which to continue this exchange."
- LA

Hey I like this response, maybe I'll borrow it sometime

... It's nicer than "asshole is that how you'd talk to a woman you just met on the street??" M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 17

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/19/2005 10:58:53 PM

asissyforher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: iowa now..maybe move soon.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: manhere4u

I am curious why it is so difficult to find a Mistress that is willing to take on a novice. Is this normal or am I expecting too much. I have tried the net and am a member of several sites. Most dont even reply to emails. Any suggestions. Thanks

mike

i'll do ya one better..
been looking since 1998 and so far not one "permanent" domme.
a lot of online mouth and little real action.
riddle me that one bat girl!

any real dommes in this world or are they all playing? it gets real frustrating.
i have one now, i talk to, when She feels like emailing. seems Her real life is too important to think about maybe She should She should keep in touch to keep my interest. mouth/ no action.

i do not/can not/ will not./ ever understand.

color me stupid but if i am going to give someone MY attention..shouldn't They give ME some to see if i am here or wandered away to another One? you are not going to keep a horse in the barn if you don't feed him,, are you?

or am i the one not understanding? i never was the brightest crayon..

thanks
i am off my soapbox.

_____________________________

"still looking for a real life domme..no more plastic wannabes for me"

(in reply to manhere4u)

Post #: 18

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/20/2005 4:37:16 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
"You obviously have not read my profile or you would have never addressed me this way. The next time you approach someone, try reading their profile first. Not wasting a woman's time is the first sign of respect. I am not interested in your request and I do not which to continue this exchange."
- LA

Hey I like this response, maybe I'll borrow it sometime ... It's nicer than "asshole is that how you'd talk to a woman you just met on the street??" M

Hey M,

I have to say, at times, it takes a LOT of self-restraint to not answer with a "hey asshole" response.

Sure go ahead and borrow it. I don't think a troller deserves anything original ;)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 19

RE: New sub problem finding Mistress - 6/20/2005 5:12:14 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

I would like to borrow it also, LA!! Maybe if the troll gets the same exact response from all the Dommes, then maybe when they receive the exact same reply for the fifth time, they will realize it's the same response....

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 20

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