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insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 11:19:02 AM   
pleasureforck


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		Curious if others have problems with insecurity and ever get jealous of other women. My bf has many women friends and one specific woman I get very jealous of. It's his ex who he was with for 5 yrs. The other night I got upset cause he was planning on doing something with her for his birthday. We argued and he was extremely angry and hurt saying I didn't trust him. I do trust him. I  fear I'm not good enough sometimes no matter how much he reassures me I am all he wants. I feel so guilty so asked him to punish me. I thought it might help me in the future. He made me write an email to her. It was extremely humiliating but I was ok with it. I had to tell her I was his sub and how I have felt she was a threat,how I had been acting and that I was sorry. I have never met this woman. I am glad he made me do that. I sure will remember this the next time I start going off. He is working with me to get over my insecurities but its very hard for me.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 11:25:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck
Curious if others have problems with insecurity and ever get jealous of other women. My bf has many women friends and one specific woman I get very jealous of. It's his ex who he was with for 5 yrs. The other night I got upset cause he was planning on doing something with her for his birthday. We argued and he was extremely angry and hurt saying I didn't trust him. I do trust him. I  fear I'm not good enough sometimes no matter how much he reassures me I am all he wants. I feel so guilty so asked him to punish me. I thought it might help me in the future. He made me write an email to her. It was extremely humiliating but I was ok with it. I had to tell her I was his sub and how I have felt she was a threat,how I had been acting and that I was sorry. I have never met this woman. I am glad he made me do that. I sure will remember this the next time I start going off. He is working with me to get over my insecurities but its very hard for me.

I'm sorry things escalated into a fight over the birthday planning.  I think it makes sense for you to be a little worried over him planning things with an ex (who you have never met) and not feeling included- but those feelings can and should certainly be addressed in a mature open way, not a blow out.

While I suppose I'm glad the punishment has helped you to focus, frankly it horrifies me that he treats his friends so carelessly to order someone they've never met to email them about all their own emotional vomit and problems.  But perhaps they have a particular relationship which allows for that and everyone's ok with it.

Time and experience together as well as directly working on the issue will be what's needed.  You need to take responsibility for your feelings and present them respectfully, he needs to be sensitive and not defensive.

And it's time for the sub to meet the friends.  Might I suggest a birthday gathering for everyone to meet eachother?


http://www.collarchat.com/m_605931/mpage_1/key_jealousy/tm.htm#606140
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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 11:42:15 AM   
pleasureforck


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		They are good friends and they definitely have the kind of friendship that it's not a big deal. He says she will understand when she sees it. We are long distance. That's why I haven't met his friends and thats a big part of why I get so insecure. Here is this woman who he shared 5 years with, that is getting to be with him for his birthday when I can't.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 11:47:01 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It is difficult, but help by reminding yourself that you chose this for yourself and bringing back the reasons why. 

_____________________________

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 11:55:43 AM   
pleasureforck


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		That is true. I need to keep remembering that I am the one with him now. If he wanted her he would be with her. I am the only one who has ever completely submitted to him so that makes us more special I think. When that irrational part of me comes out I forget all of that.
Thanks for your responses and the links to other posts.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 12:00:57 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		In my opinion your bf is being HUGELY inconsiderate!...it is NOT proper for a committed man to entertain women. The fact that they are ex lovers makes it even worse. I personally wouldn't stand for this treatment...

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 12:21:16 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
In my opinion your bf is being HUGELY inconsiderate!...it is NOT proper for a committed man to entertain women. The fact that they are ex lovers makes it even worse. I personally wouldn't stand for this treatment...

That manner of thinking is so foreign to me.  But then I keep pictures of my partners ex-wife on our walls and speak of her often.  I want him to be with who he feels good around- sex doesn't matter, past history doesn't matter.  As long as they are a positive influence in his life, that's what *I* need for him.

This other sort of thinking really DOES just sound like lack of trust and security.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 12:42:47 PM   
pleasureforck


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		The logical part of me realizes that men can have women friends. Just cause he is with me, should he have to give up his long time friends? I know I am wrong to be acting jealous about them. Yes it's hard he's friends with his ex but thats my problem.
OMG! he just saw my name and told me it looked like I meant pleasure for c*ck. I was using his initials. He said he was reading it like a man. lol...

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I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 12:56:27 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I used to be much more jealous when me and Master were first together sometimes i still do get a little but not really.  I know i am the only one he wants so i\if he talks to his friends who happen to be girls i am not theranted by it.  I can understand being long distance it is hard not to be.  As you said if he wanted her he would be with her, but he is with you so you are the one he wants.  Best wishes.

Matt's littleone

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 1:01:36 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I guess i didn't think common courtesy and consideration for others feelings, equated lack of trust and insecurity.
This of course is just my take on it. To each there own i suppose.


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**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 1:11:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
I guess i didn't think common courtesy and consideration for others feelings, equated lack of trust and insecurity.
This of course is just my take on it. To each there own i suppose.

Your suggestion was that he should not "entertain women" at all, specially not an ex.

How exactly is making plans with a long time friend (who happens to be a female, who happens to be an ex) not proper?

How is it courteous to expect someone to stop being friends with women just because they are now in a relationship with one?

How was he discourteous to his long distance sub by making plans with people he has likely spent many birthdays with before?

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/2/2007 5:11:33 PM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		Hi pleasure

I can completely understand where you are coming from but honestly it could be worse He could be spending all of his time with her and just completely ignoring you and not spending time with you at all. 

We all get jelous sometimes I have my moments as well is it warrented sometimes yes but unless we know the full story we cant always tell what's going on.  I'm glad that you feel the punnishment helped you I know that it's something that I crave as well when I get that too....(attention) some Doms say that it's a bad thing but to me it's just something I feel that I need to know that everything is ok, that there is structure, and that I shouldn't feel as insecure as I do sometimes.

Best wishes
meticulous

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 2:04:40 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Long distance is really difficult.  Is there a chance in the future of one of you moving?

I'm wondering why he's so close to this ex that she'd organise a birthday party for him.  Do they have unmentionables together?  If so, I can see why they're in close contact.  If not, to be honest I agree with you, it's not a very comfortable situation for you.

The fact that he's telling you about it is a comfort - maybe he wouldn't be so open if there was something wrong?  But I think the two of you need to work on ways to make you feel more secure.  And him to be a little more sensitive to your feelings.

(in reply to meticulousgirl)
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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 4:45:59 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
In my opinion your bf is being HUGELY inconsiderate!...it is NOT proper for a committed man to entertain women. The fact that they are ex lovers makes it even worse. I personally wouldn't stand for this treatment...


you have got to be kidding,, right?  i'm with LA on this one, i don't understand this line of thinking.

One of the best thing about the lifestyle is that folks usually get to do what they want when it comes to relationships. The fact that the lines of communications were open and the OP knew what he was doing says a lot for them.
sneeking around and hiding things is inconsiderate (or more) but not spending time with friends.


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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 5:06:30 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		I hear you , Master and I are long distance but I dont have a problem with his nilla friends,even his ex (ok I get a little jealous but only because I cant be the one with him not actually of them as such if that makes sense).
But he went to meet a sub who was in town, just a friend but OMG it drove me nuts I was so amazingly crazy jealous however I was also in a really bad place emotionally at the time and not using the rational part of my brain. I think a lot of it stems from the whole long distance thing but Master was so mad at me after that little episode I too rethink jealous outbursts.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 5:36:33 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Jealousy is a difficult emotion. It doesn't necessarily imply lack of trust if it stops at "She gets to spend time with you and I don't." That can be a nice ache. Jealousy becomes problematic if it becomes obsessive or clingy.

Giving someone too much crap too often about the people they see or spend time with tends to push these people away from us and can inflate the jealousy or obsessive behavior which pushes them further away which causes more jealousy ... on and on.

The object of the jealousy is ~not~ our reason to breathe or to live, although it can feel like it sometimes. Accept the situation, realize that your jealousy is putting your own life on hold, let go of the negative burning energy and go do something pleasant. Life is for living, not for wasting.

If you can't accept the situation and can't distract yourself with anything but thoughts that jealousy brings (and I am speaking in long-term - I think everybody has a nudge of jealousy now and then) then it probably isn't a dynamic that is going to work, at least not without making everyone miserable, and I fail to see the point of that.

Good luck to you in working through this. I wish you well.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 5:53:35 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Interested in the discussion ~~~ other POV?
 
 
Sir's girl, also dealing

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 6:08:24 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i wouldn't have a problem with him having a friendship with the ex, what i have a problem with here is that it's his birthday - a special day - and he isn't going to spend it with me.  Peoples actions speak louder then words.  If you are his current special girl why isn't he sharing this day with you? Or why aren't you invited to go along?  Sure he can spend it with whoever he wants but than again i can not take someone like that very seriously either and i would guard my heart closely because over time it probably won't get better or easier to take. As for the "punishment" i think it was ridiculous to include another person you have never met into it.  Sounds like he's into emotional sadism.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 7:41:16 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
In my opinion your bf is being HUGELY inconsiderate!...it is NOT proper for a committed man to entertain women. The fact that they are ex lovers makes it even worse. I personally wouldn't stand for this treatment...

That manner of thinking is so foreign to me.  But then I keep pictures of my partners ex-wife on our walls and speak of her often.  I want him to be with who he feels good around- sex doesn't matter, past history doesn't matter.  As long as they are a positive influence in his life, that's what *I* need for him.

This other sort of thinking really DOES just sound like lack of trust and security.


I have to strongly agree with LA on this. In my mind, a man being able to remain friends with an exgirlfriend and/or an exwife, shows a high degreee of personal maturity on his part  The OP solely stated that her bf is planning on doing something with the ex on his birthday, which doesn't automatically mean they will be getting intimate. My sense is the OP is feeling jealous and upset because she's too far away to be able to help her bf celebtae his birthday, eg - dinner, shopping, a walk in the park, etc.

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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 9:14:27 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
If you are his current special girl why isn't he sharing this day with you? Or why aren't you invited to go along?  Sure he can spend it with whoever he wants but than again i can not take someone like that very seriously either and i would guard my heart closely because over time it probably won't get better or easier to take. As for the "punishment" i think it was ridiculous to include another person you have never met into it.  Sounds like he's into emotional sadism.

I, too, am curious why those plans have not been made.  But I can think of dozens of legitimate reasons.  I know in my previous long distance relationships, we never were able to spend birthdays together due to scheduling and travel.

Yes, it hurt, yes it sucked, YES sometimes they were just being assholes (not that I would have admitted it at the time), but most of the time it was reasonable not to be together.

Jealousy is OK to feel- you just have to work through it properly and not let IT control YOU.

And someone emailed me saying that *I* was saying that my boyfriend was spending his birthday with his ex.  I'm not sure how that came across, but that's definitely not the case.  Although if he wanted to see his ex for his birthday, I'd support it because they hardly see eachother anymore and we've already discussed that I would consider it good if they dated/had sex again.

But then she said we were just friends with benefits and I'm too young to know better (and then blocked replies) so who knows.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to velvetears)
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