Dominant because of past wounds?

Dominant because of past wounds? (Full Version)

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Lockit -> Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 1:56:21 PM)
Something asked on another thread spurred me to wonder about some things. It seemingly was implied to me at least, that this person believed that a dominant female was thought to be dominant because of past wounds. Whether he meant things the way I read them or not doesn’t matter to me. I just thought I would ask a few things and get your take on it all. I know that there are those that use their domination to retaliate against those that represent those who hurt them. That is just a fact of human nature sometimes. What I would like to know is how many of us use our domination to punish others for past crimes against us? I was asked by another dominant to co-dominate with her and she mentioned many times how it would help me heal from past wounds. I am so not in that kind of place, but I know that others might be… so it just makes me wonder. Also… how do you feel about someone thinking that a female dominant is only dominant because of past wounds? I am sure I have more… but it’s early in my day here and I am kind of foggy. Lockit

thetammyjo -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 2:05:19 PM)
No. Does my surviving past abuse contribute to how I am today? Of course, to say otherwise would be a flat out lie. However, at least for me, it helped me gain more empathy and learn how I absolutely did not want to be. Personally if someone is doing any of this BDSM from a place where she is getting back at people from her past (or his past) I'd question if they were doing BDSM at all then. I think your anger and issues should be focused on the correct targets, not your subs or bottoms or slaves. To take it out on people who had nothing to do with your past seems weak to me and a bit out of control. I don't think BDSM is a place for either especially not on the top side of the equation.

TheDiva -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 2:08:39 PM)
That's a very simplistic view that assumes that something is "wrong" with a Female Dominant or that dominance is an unnatural trait in a woman. We can find well-adjusted individuals and basket cases (and any shade or variation in between) in almost any lifestyle.

LadyHugs -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 2:18:32 PM)
Dear Lockit, Ladies and Gentlemen; Men as well as women go into a dominant role for many reasons. Yes, a good many come in to prey and take advantage of the pre-disposition of what the roles imply. A good many are insecure and also very angry. What better way to beat the crap out of someone under the guise of S&M. There is no art or skill to this--it is just fury, hate and all kinds of negative emotions. Those who 'get over it' --use these strong emotions as a 'power boost' to add a chemical change to our body as to give us power/strength into our strokes-- So many come into BDSM, M/s, D/s and S&M for so many reasons. Some will never get the healing they seek. Some will find controlling issues are the original intent--however, those who come to know the finer arts of being a Master, it is actually giving control over to the slave--so who is really controlling? (Chuckles) Control is on many realms and in many flavors. At times, I believe that Dominant roles permits 'givers' to have a chance to receive. Those who do have wounds will find that in a Dominant role connected to a slave who is a healer (in the spirit sense and attitude/behavior sense) can indeed 'heal' wounds. It is a catharsis when either party willingly suffers as to purge and once allowed to purge without judgment--there is a refreshment of the spirit. But--this is the rub in my mind's eyes --People do not make a distinct difference on beating someone or being beaten for the sake of hurting someone; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and or physically -- And, catharsis. Two seperate 'intents' with distinct differences on the outcome. I cringe when I watch people who blindly beat another person with the anger, rage and negatives unleashed. People don't understand the power is increased in the strokes in a great way. This is a terrible way to operate--nobody should be hit in anger or be hitting someone in a angery state of mind. To me that is abuse. That is 'criminal.' There is no excuse for it. It is a fine line though with Sadism, however--it is not blind rage or a hateful situation--it is the art of manipulating pain and timing--not just a flurry of ill placed hits and an ill temper behind it. The session as to be a catharsis--often is to provoke emotions, to which medical science affirms, that crying and purging the emotions--resets the chemical balance within the body into a fresh place. This is why crying we feel better once it is over with. We catch our breath and move on. We all have a past. We all have been wounded in one form or another. How we achieve healing can take many forms. Knowing our 'intentions' determines the good or the evil side. That is something that only individuals can determine themselves. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Grlwithboy -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 2:38:37 PM)
I do think that family power dynamics (in this case between my mother and my grandmother) have a lot to do with my feelings about power. I don't think siad feelings about power would change no matter how much resolution and how much "ok-ness" I might have about my past, nor do I think they need to be "fixed."

AquaticSub -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 3:19:05 PM)
While I'm not a dominant female, this sounds a lot like the "submissive women are submissive because they were abused" line. I don't give either much in the way of credit.

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 3:43:31 PM)
I don't think the pain we have suffered creates dominance or submission. They are personality traits. I have seen how it has affected sexuality. Women that may have been bisexual, but because of terrible experiences with men, will only be with women. I had a wonderful childhood and was a bossy lil thang then. If anything the hammering of life tried to beat me down and make me submissive. It didn't, it just made me shut down. I hate the feeling of someone trying to control me, force me, or coerse me. It will instantly make me feel physically ill. If they keep pushing (very rarely) I get angry, just livid. Then bad things tend to happen.

earthycouple -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 4:04:51 PM)
I went through hell as a child/teen and very very young adult. Every step I've ever made in my life is part of the tapestry of who I am today. I believe what I do today is in part because of my past. I find funny what I find funny because of my past. I shed tears over things I shed tears over because of my past. Also because of my past I met the beautiful man who is my husband; I bore two lovely children who I can't live without and I own an amazing slave. If my life had not fallen together the way it did I am sure my "stars would not be aligned" as they are today. I am sure I've been through more than some and less than others. But regardless it was my hell to survive. I did so with much angst at times and felt like I wanted to beat up the world. I never did. What I did do (that was completely the wrong thing) was beat myself up; both physically and mentally. I've been in this lifestyle around 13-14 years now and never once in any vein was a victim when consentually submissive or bottoming nor was I ever abusive as a dominant or top. I've never looked at any man and generalized in this manner: "you son of a bitch...you live to make women miserable so you will pay at my hand". Never. I am intelligent enough to know that each man is his own person with his own thoughts and feelings and actions. While there are plenty of horrible people out there, both male and female; straight, bi and gay; old and young, confused and clear headed...I simply can not bring myself to make the entire damn world pay for the wrong doings of a few very specific individuals. Did I forgive those around me who did the wrong thing? No. Did I forgive myself for my wrong actions? Absolutely. No matter what I may feel about those who were at hand in creating my personal hell; I'm at fault too. I don't regret many things in life. I learn from them. I take the good from what I can and cast aside the rest but not until I've created my own peace within myself (and I don't beat myself up any more either!) Life is good.

Lockit -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 4:13:51 PM)
Thank you everyone! I think the lifestyle and how we live it has room for many things and it is clear that many use it differently. I was just curious because I have seen it go many ways and wondered what your thoughts were. I could not bring about any healing I might need at the expense of another, but expense is the key word here. Again... thank you for some wonderful, thought provoking answers and personal stories! You all rock! Lockit

GoddessinDallas -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/3/2007 11:33:06 PM)
Dominant by Nature

LadyHeart -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 1:15:08 AM)
Isn't this just the Nature v Nurture argument in another guise? How much of an individual's personality is innate, how much is learned? Since no one has reached agreement upon that thorny question, it's unlikely to be resolved in a BDSM forum. It may be a good question to ask about an individual who is manifesting behaviour that is troubling in some way, but it is otherwise an unanswerable question of the "how long is a piece of string?" variety. :)) LH

MistressRouge -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 3:00:07 AM)
I would find it very dangerous for someone to Dominate with personal issues, a scorned past or is not stable in mind, spirit and life. How can a sub offer themselves, and place themselves in a Dominant's hands, that has emotional issues or like a "pay back" motive, a very worrying and distressing dynamic in My view. I am sound in life, mind and spirit, and those are the most valueable characteristics of a Dominant I feel. I do not do what I do for an ego-rub, or emotional needs or wants, I have a lifestyle which I adore and enjoy, and savour and indulge in for the pleasure it gives Me and the subs/players that I meet.

BeautifulRacket -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 5:07:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Something asked on another thread spurred me to wonder about some things. It seemingly was implied to me at least, that this person believed that a dominant female was thought to be dominant because of past wounds. Whether he meant things the way I read them or not doesn’t matter to me. I just thought I would ask a few things and get your take on it all. I know that there are those that use their domination to retaliate against those that represent those who hurt them. That is just a fact of human nature sometimes. What I would like to know is how many of us use our domination to punish others for past crimes against us? I was asked by another dominant to co-dominate with her and she mentioned many times how it would help me heal from past wounds. I am so not in that kind of place, but I know that others might be… so it just makes me wonder. Also… how do you feel about someone thinking that a female dominant is only dominant because of past wounds? I am sure I have more… but it’s early in my day here and I am kind of foggy. Lockit Am I dominant because I been hurt? No, although I think the pain and healing process have probably helped me find and/or nurture this facet of my personality more easily. I don't use my domination to punish for past crimes by others, period. I've explored the possibility out of curiosity and a sense of responsibility, and concluded it just doesn't mesh with how I think, feel or act. I do recognize being a dominant feels like a safer place for me right now because of my wounds, though. Likewise, I understand my pain is why I don't feel comfortable (or even interested in, really) expressing the submissive part of me in real-time in any capacity other than occasionally bottoming in a highly structured situation. (Logically, I know there's a gap between my feelings and reality--I'm not truly less likely to be harmed if I'm intimate with those who identify as submissives--but both my head and gut are saying it's not emotionally safe/healthy for me to act against those feelings at this point.)

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 5:13:20 AM)
I am dominant becaue it is who I am. I am not sadistic so I am not hurting anyone when I dominate, for the most part. I was hurt when I was younger, yes, but the things that happened to me happened because I was dominant and the man who went after me resented it. He wanted to break me. He failed. DV

blmtrsne -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 7:46:36 AM)
My slave/husband told me he always had these ideas and was never abused or spoiled. Anyway, when he proposed to be my slave it's partly because he felt I wanted to be more in control of my own life, that he refused to be the 'leader' of the family and because he always felt he wanted to be owned. So, while I was rebelling against father's authority, he gave me the freedom to live my life without being the loving and excecuting wife. I accepted his gift of slavery and with that gift I knew that I wouldn't have to answer to anyone anymore. I guess everyone is influenced by the past.

Grlwithboy -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 9:27:32 AM)
The idea of "put your issues aside first" is lovely, but I have never met anyone of any orientation without any "issues." I think it's far safer to know who you are and be able to pinpoint an issue as it arises and not simply have to react to it, but be able to be analytical about it and learn from it.

Trampler -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 9:34:57 AM)
Most of the time I prefer being Dominant, because I don't want to give up control. Been in quite a few relationships where I wasn't in control, and I hated it! Though every once in a while, especially when my masochistic needs starts clamoring, ohhhh yeah sometimes I crave being flogged or spanked so much it can unbarable. And the thought of surrenduring during that time makes me wet. whoops, sorry didn't mean to get so offtrack.

Lashra -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 10:35:54 AM)
No, I was born this way. I believe if someone thinks that females are ONLY dominant because <fill in the blank here> they do not know much about human beings. Dominance/submission traits are sexually blind, they don't care what sex you are if they turn on they turn on and your stuck with them. This is why when I hear people talk about the natural order crap I just laugh. There is no such thing as far as I am concerned. ~Lashra

LadyPact -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 11:05:19 AM)
Lockit, thank you very much for the interesting topic. Also, My thanks to everyone who has shared their opinions and experiences. Many of My own sentiments were already mentioned, so I hope this won't seem like too much of an echo. A lot of this I had already thought about when the other topic was being discussed. Does the intensity of your play change with your moods? Which I interpreted as, do you take the negative things that happened to you during your day out on your submissive? This question seems to be the same thing on a larger scale. Do you take the negative things in your life out on your BDSM partner? My first thought to this is, with all of the beauty that there is in this lifestyle, what a sad, sad way that would be to live it. Let Me take that back. Not even in the context of BDSM. Just what a sad way to live your life. Full of bitterness and contempt for past wounds. Never growing beyond. Never moving forward. Or worse yet. The only way to grow beyond it would be to transpose those feelings on someone else. Earthy said the whole thing so eloquently. Had I not walked the path that I did, no matter how rocky the road, I wouldn't be where I am today. All of our experiences in Our lives do help to shape who We are, how We react, how We think, how We feel. However, do they make Us Dominant? When I look back at the road I travelled, I honestly have to say no. I'm siding with nature over nurture on this one, because of the type of personality I had long before certain things happened to Me. Yet, like Tammyjo said, I tend to believe I am a better Dominant because certain things happened to Me, rather than the type I would have been without them. The fact that certain events happened prior to Me finding My place in the lifestyle, rather than after, doesn't negate who I am in it. Perhaps it influences the particular style that I have, but not who I am in My core. Do I heal Myself from My past wounds by inflicting damage on a submissive? No. To Me, that would make Me no better than who I would hold responsible for inflicting My past wounds to begin with. Like everything else in life, I am sure there are those who are different from Me in this. For Myself, I'm just glad that way is not My way.

Lockit -> RE: Dominant because of past wounds? (7/4/2007 12:28:13 PM)
Hello Everyone... Thank you so much! I cannot heal a part of myself at the expense of another. Just doesn't work for me. I really don't have all that much to do in healing, but just the thought of it turns me off. Although I do believe that there are things in the lfiestyle that can be of benefit and part of a process of letting go... learning a new way... etc. that can assist in some areas of healing; I don't think that beating someone up because you were beat up works. lol The post that had me wondering seems to come from a place I can understand since I had to come to terms with some things before I could be comfortable with my own dominance, as dominance was a bad word to me. I think also that there might have been a little of that... females are submissive and not dominant and if they are dominant it is because something happened to them, bit. I just couldn't get past that one! lol I wondered how many that are dominant are in the dominant role because of life wounds and if many were using it as a form of revenge or something of that nature. I just wondered because I don't know it all and am newer to the lifestyle. BUT... having said that... I do believe most are whatever they are by nature and maybe enhanced a bit by life experience. I just needed some numbers so to speak; to maybe deal with comments made in the future. I have seen some people use the lifestyle to do harm... but I don't tend to think of them as the average person involved in the lifestyle. I just love the way you all express yourselves and hearing your thought processes on things is thought provoking, eye opening and exciting because sometimes I hadn't thought of something quite like someone else does and I love the mental exchange! Thanks for sharing!

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