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julietsierra -> RE: Are you sub because of a guilty conscience? (7/4/2007 1:47:19 AM)
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ok, I confess. Your need to find out why I am submissive is kind of odd, but here anyway, here goes...
I'm submissive because of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, John Hart (The Lone Ranger) and Guy Williams (Zorro). I'm submissive because of Vincent Price, Bella Lagosi and oooh yeaaa... Frank Langella. I'm submissive because of Yul Brenner (The Buccaneer), and every other pirate movie out there. I'm submissive because of I Dream of Jeannie.
You see, while those people, and television shows have never "made" me submissive, when watching them from my very early years on, they always resonated with me. John Wayne: oooh, the girl tied to the wagon wheel...same thing with Vincent Price, and Bella Lagosi, except it wasn't wagon wheels, it was (be still my heart) dungeon walls. And Frank Langella.. oh my! How could I NOT want to be the object of his desire when as Dracula, he scaled the wall to enter that girl's bedroom?!!
John Hart as The Lone Ranger and Guy Williams as Walt Disney's Zorro - what can you say about a masked man and someone who carries a whip and a sword who everyone calls Don Diego? Then, of course, there's I Dream of Jeannie where Jeannie showed us all just how much FUN being owned and calling someone "Master" could be.
I'm saving Clint and his spaghetti westerns for last... Y'know the bad guys that always invaded the town looking to deflower the prettiest girls there? Those darn girls NEVER looked unhappy that they'd been deflowered and while of course you always hoped Clint would save the day, along the way, being one of those deflowered girls was always kind of exciting to think about.
Yep, it's THEIR fault. (Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Blame the media?)
In other words, I've always been this way. I don't feel as if I'm atoning for something each time I do the things he likes me to do for him. I don't feel as if I'm atoning when I make his coffee or bring him breakfast, hand him his fishing pole or make sure he has enough covers at night. I don't feel as if I'm atoning when I'm scrubbing the carpet (yep, scrubbing - none of this "call the carpet cleaners" for him) doing the dishes or helping to paint the bottom of the boat. I don't feel as if I'm atoning when he tells me to stay home and I stay home. Nor do I feel as if I'm atoning when we're doing any of the things we do together or the things I do for him while we're apart. In short, atonement has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship.
I suppose what does have to do with our relationship is the fact that when I was small, I used to miss the bus home every day during the winter because I'd be so busy helping the other kids on with their boots, hats and coats that I'd completely forget to get myself together. What does have to do with our relationship is that I absolutely detest housework and all that other stuff - when I have to do it for me. However, I get some weird thrill doing it for someone else (I don't know, since I'm being introspective, perhaps I have an inordinate need for outside praise - except that doesn't work because he doesn't do that either - so much for introspection). What does have to do with our relationship is that I have always been the one around the house who wanted to bring the men their coffee after dinner, clean the table and cut the pies at holidays. In short, following orders and getting them right has always been at the core of who I am and what makes me tick. There can only be so many leaders and then there have to be the really excellent followers. That's who I am. In that capacity, I can actually lead others, but ONLY in the capacity of doing what someone else wants. I'm a great follower and I'm proud of that fact.
And punishment has absolutely no place in our relationship, so it's not because I'm seeking to be punished for anything either.
What I don't understand is this drive to find out WHY we're submissive as if there's something wrong with the way we are. It was precisely this kind of thinking that for years, made me accept less in my life. I was always trying to be more (as if being submissive is somehow less-than), do more, and always for the wrong reasons. More independent, more in charge, more more more...and it made me absolutely, unequivocally miserable.
Now days, I freely acknowledge that I'm submissive. I have someone in my life who allows me to simply be me. I don't particularly care whether I'm hiding, in the deep recesses of my mind, some traumatic event I have no awareness of or it it's the fault of the media, my parents, the fact that my mother worked her whole life and wasn't a stay at home mom or if this is just always the way I've been. It simply doesn't matter to me. I am this way because this is how I am. I have spent years and years and years denying what and who I am and pretending to be someone and something I wasn't. I always felt out of place and became so good at settling that I never even realized something more was out here. I just knew I wasn't happy. I was never ever happy!! Seriously, I just thought I was broken or something. My standard response to sex was "is this all there is?!"
So, why in the WORLD, now that I AM happy and FINALLY feel like I'm being exactly who I was meant to be, would I even begin to consider that being submissive was somehow a dysfunctional response to something I did wrong at some point in my life? Why in the world, upon discovering that what I was feeling was NOT all there was, WHY would I try to look for something wrong to make me how I am?
It just makes no sense.
So, because atonement makes no sense to me, I'll just say it's Clint's fault.
juliet
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