RE: Protocol question for submissives....

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/15/2005 11:29:33 PM

SweetDommes

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Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

I did missread the OP, but I mostly stand by what I said.

I don't think that one's dissinterest in playing with someone makes that someone a bad top. I can understand how someone who is not comfortable with "intense" play would not want to play with someone who plays at that level. I don't think it reflects negativly on the "intense" player, but does say something very possitive about the person who doesn't want to play.

I think that it's good to be aware of what you want and what you can handle, that way the person you're playing with doesn't have to worry you'll...sue them or something.

So, yeah, I missread, it's more serious than I read. However, I think that it still isn't a negativly reflection on the top. It just shows that the top and the OP wouldn't be a match, NOT that the top isn't a match for anyone.

I would like to point out that my "red flag" was not because I think the Domme in question is a bad Domme - but because the Domme is putting the OP in a quandry ... a bad place for her to be mentally/emotionally. I do think that the Domme in question is ... um ... negligent maybe? ... in dismissing the concerns that she couldn't/wouldn't play down to a level that the OP would be comfortable with.

To the OP: Again I say, you have made your decision, now it is time to stick to your guns. Tell the Domme that you don't want to play, and be honest with her. Explain to her that you are wary of allowing her to play with you after the nipple incident. Tell her that she is just too extreme for you during play. If you really feel bad about it, then play it off as you are a wuss or whatever (not my really advice, but it would damage her ego less ... probably). And make sure that you have backup when you have this discussion with her. Having your Dom there will help your confidence and conviction and if she gets too pushy, he can end the discussion (if you haven't already). I would also ask why she is so insistant about playing with you ... there has to be a reason, and if I were you, I would be dying to know what it is.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 6/15/2005 11:34:52 PM >

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/16/2005 12:03:48 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I would like to point out that my "red flag" was not because I think the Domme in question is a bad Domme - but because the Domme is putting the OP in a quandry ... a bad place for her to be mentally/emotionally. I do think that the Domme in question is ... um ... negligent maybe? ... in dismissing the concerns that she couldn't/wouldn't play down to a level that the OP would be comfortable with.

Ah! I see and that makes good sense to me. I'm at a rather non-personally-sensitive space right now, and my empathy readings aren't up to normal :) Hearing what you say makes sense to me, and I can see how I myself might have gotten that from the OP if I were in a different mental state than I am now.

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/16/2005 6:31:34 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
I would like to point out that my "red flag" was not because I think the Domme in question is a bad Domme - but because the Domme is putting the OP in a quandry ... a bad place for her to be mentally/emotionally. I do think that the Domme in question is ... um ... negligent maybe? ... in dismissing the concerns that she couldn't/wouldn't play down to a level that the OP would be comfortable with.

I would agree if that is the sense that I got from the description. What I got out of it was the sub's dom going to the other dom and asking if the dom felt she would be able to play at the sub's level of intensity. The dom replied that yes they definitely could play down at the sub's level of intensity.

Sir told her he wasn't sure she could play down to my level and she assured Him that she could, so i don't really want to tell her that (although it's the truth). She'll just assure me, yeah, sure she can.... well, i don't want to be the test dummy to find out.

The sub is the one not believing it, or not trusting it. There's nothing wrong with this, but it doesn't mean the dom is dismissing concerns, in fact she directly replied affirmatively.

If this dom REALLY wants to play with the sub, she can do all sorts of things, perhaps playing with others on that level in front of her, perhaps co-topping with the sub's dom, or simply getting to know her better.

But I don't see anything of a warning or even a potential warning here. Everyone has been fairly direct, fairly open and if the sub doesn't feel comfortable, that's fine. There are great tops out there I will never play with due to personality conflicts and stubborn styles of play. That doesn't mean they are anything to be concerned over, it just means I know what works for me and what doesn't.

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/27/2005 5:54:13 PM

Hissweetshiv

Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
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Winces at "bleeding nipples"...been there, done that, didn't like it... didn't play with him again either. As for saying no to Her, i would simply be straightforward about it. "Ma'am, i'm flattered by Your interest but i don't feel O/our styles of play match and i prefer remaining friends to having a dispute over a scene gone bad." Or some such polite response. Honesty is always best.
~shiv

(in reply to phoenix52)

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/27/2005 9:54:23 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

As far as why i don't feel comfortable playing with this person, her play regularly causes gasps from those watching and she has said that she really enjoys this and tries to shock the "audience". i once volunteered for a demo with her and she made my nipple bleed just through impact and clamps. My Sir (and others) has had to leave the room while watching her do CBT because it was making Him sick. This is great for people who enjoy really, really heavy play, but i do not.

My question would have to be at this point why your Dom would even consider this if he has watched her play and been sickened by what she does to others?

I understand that you don't want to hurt this persons feelings but it is your ass that is on the line (pun intended). Your Dom has left it up to you and you don't want to play with her. Tell her that for reasons which you would rather not discuss you are flattered by her attention but at this point you are not on her level of play. Be honest, sometimes that might be the most difficult thing to do, but it is the best thing to do.

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RE: Protocol question for submissives.... - 6/28/2005 7:51:23 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenix52

i have a question.... there is a Domme in our local community that has mentioned a few times she wants to play with me. i most *definitely* do not want to play with her, i don't have a problem with her personally, i just don't like the way she plays.

My Sir has told me it's my decision about whether or not to play with her, so i'm thinking she'll come to me to ask? (She basically said she wanted to this last weekend but was tied up with something else...)

So my question is, what is the best way to say, thanks but no thanks? i don't want to offend, but i do NOT want to scene with her. Should i make up an excuse? Sir told her he wasn't sure she could play down to my level and she assured Him that she could, so i don't really want to tell her that (although it's the truth). She'll just assure me, yeah, sure she can.... well, i don't want to be the test dummy to find out.

Any suggestions? Like i said, i'm on good terms with this person, and i want to stay that way....