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RE: Breakup - 6/21/2004 11:40:54 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

Then my right hand always said "yes". I stopped trying so hard. If one person cares enough a marriage might still be salvagable. If both partners are apathetic...

I am not sure I agree with this sentiment.

My marraige not working had nothing to do with apathy. I am usually willing to negotiate, and almost always willing to compromise so that everybody is happy. We tried the marraige counselor routine, but the only conversations my ex would participate in were ones which discussed myself and my actions, and she would refuse to return to counseling when the topic of conversation went back to her. One day late in the relationship I asked her to go back to counseling and her response was "Neither of us will ever change, so it wont work." I responded "You can only speak for yourself, so thank you for being honest and letting me know you will not change."

She would make agreements with me in negotiation which she would keep for 2 days, a week, etc. Then in further negotiation she would first tell me she never made the agreement. Finally I insisted we write down agreements and she would sign and date them. Then her modus operandi became to tell me that she had renegotiated what she was willing to do.

What finally broke the camel's back was my realization one day that I was living in a relationship where I would wonder on the way home from work what she was going to yell at me about that evening. I have heard this same statement from hundreds of abuse survivors, and the two thoughts finally connected in my grey matter.

It takes two to make a relationship work, imho. Unless both people are willing to participate the relationship wont work.

But it only takes one to start a fight.

As usual, this is simply my opinion and I could be wrong...

Sinergy

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(in reply to LadySirona)

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Post #: 21

RE: Breakup - 6/21/2004 3:21:09 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

I stopped trying so hard. If one person cares enough a marriage might still be salvagable.

It might be salvageable, but it would be a marriage in name only. It takes two to Tango, and it takes two to make a marriage work.

(in reply to Sinergy)

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Post #: 22

RE: Breakup - 6/22/2004 12:49:03 AM

MistressKiss

Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I've been married twice, once in a vanilla relationship and once within the lifestyle to a dominant - both times ended because of a breach in trust. Neither were lifestyle exclusive. Once trust is breached, it's hard to maintain a relationship either way.
Frankly, it's tough, period, and can be a lonely existence...yet...there is always hope and living in the now instead of in the future or past makes a huge difference.

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(in reply to January)

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Post #: 23

RE: Breakup - 6/22/2004 10:34:29 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
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M. Sinergy,

It's funny, but I must have dated your ex. Several times. It's tough in our culture for the male to leave- often the refrain is that 'a women has to to what's right for her, but a man must do what's right'- inculding staying in an unhappy situation.

I feel your pain, brother.

stay warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

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Post #: 24

RE: Breakup - 6/22/2004 11:29:40 PM

MistressKiss

Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
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HHmmmm,

Please point me in the direction of the men that like to do things right? I have not run across too many...present company excluded.

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"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

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Post #: 25

RE: Breakup - 8/20/2004 11:11:31 AM

afmvdp

Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
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I'm seperated myself, but it's simply because I thought I could live a vanilla life and put the rest of things in the closet never to be looked at again. It didn't work out and when desires and things started coming out of my repressed self, my feelings of unfulfillment became unbearable and things were quickly downhill from there. In the process of things, the vengence rebuttal was that she cost me my job, my car, my house, my credit and who knows what else...but honestly I'd give it all up again a hundred times over to be back where I am now, on the path I feel my heart and mind coincide.

(in reply to MistressKiss)

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Post #: 26