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January -> Breakup (6/12/2004 4:25:57 PM)

Many folks here on collarme are divorced, just like anywhere else. But I was wondering...

Did vanilla problems (like your partner was a spendthrift jerk) or bdsm problems (too extreme or wrong match, etc...) break you up, or both?

Some of you have already mentioned the reasons for your breakups in other threads, but please do reply again.

Thanks!

Jan



indigo302 -> RE: Breakup (6/12/2004 4:44:04 PM)

Hi January -

The basis of my marriage breaking up was not bdsm. I won't go into what it actually was, as that's a bit private for such a public board.

With that said, do I think my bdsm interests put a strain on the marriage? Absolutely! It had to be difficult for him knowing there was a part of me he couldn't touch (my submission), and yet, he loved me enough to allow it's fulfillment outside of the marriage.

So while BDSM was not the diciding factor, I think it contributed to the stress...

indigo



Sinergy -> RE: Breakup (6/12/2004 5:08:53 PM)

Hello,

I stayed with my wife for a number of years as her life went through various crises, and I was too honorable to abandon her in the middle of them. The marraige was largely loveless and disconnected, but she became pregnant and after my first was born I knew I could not leave my children so I made the best of it.

13 years later, I was making a huge income and was a loving father and relatively patient husband, while she did next to nothing around the house, allowed her income to drop to almost 0, and spent her life plugged in to cybersex chat rooms. During one of her rabid anger (at me) emotional melt-downs I insisted she had to stop yelling at me, which she agreed to do.

She was unable to do this over the next few weeks, so I told my kids I was leaving and moved out the next day, never looking back.

Do I consider it a breakup? She was on anti-depressants and was deeply tormented by my being gone. The only time I thought of her at all was when my attorney called me to discuss the latest shenanigans her attorney was attempting to pull. In a conversation with a divorced friend of mine a year later he indicated that I should worry about the post-divorce depression. This never happened for me. My main feelings were (and still are) mostly relief and peace that I no longer have to deal with this person in any but the most terse (re: children) sense, as it has to be in writing. If she attempts to engage me verbally I will simply politely excuse myself and hang up the phone or turn and walk away.

Sinergy



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Breakup (6/12/2004 5:45:53 PM)

I'm not quite divorced yet, but the reason for my separation was indeed BDSM related. My wife was really only into the play aspects of BDSM and only when she was "in the mood." For me, it was much more a 24 hour a day yearning. I tried to suppress, deny and pretend I didn't need it, but it lead to complete and total misery for me.

I cheated, something so contrary to my nature that it really caused me to question everything in my life. I am still going through much of that questioning, but some answers are making themselves clear.

The funny thing is that it really was the BDSM incompatibilities I felt with my wife that lead me to take such an interest in the whole nature of submission, slavery and masochism (see other thread).

Yours,
Taggard
http://www.taggard.net



Sundew02 -> RE: Breakup (6/12/2004 6:22:21 PM)

No, BDSM had absolutely nothing to do with my divorce. Besides the fact that I was and still am an extremely dominant person. I have not had any major personality changes since reaching adulthood, he on the other hand did. Needless to say I decided to walk away without regret or malous, he on the other hand wanted to stay together. In the end, of course, I got my way. But that was many many years ago. I will never again tink with a vanilla male. Sundew



Voltare -> RE: Breakup (6/12/2004 11:40:51 PM)

I think while this answer will differ widely from person to person, the direction I am currently trying to pursue is not to view BDSM or Ds elements in an isolated fashion, but rather to consider them as part of a persons personality, without necessarily discussing them in such context.

I met a girl recently who is extremely submissive in her behaviors. She rushes to make tea when we go into her house (as it is winter here) prefers sitting on my lap to her own chair, and seems most content trying to put bites of hotdog in my mouth (its a lot more enticing in person then I have time to describe here, I assure you.) I know that my previous relationships have largely resembled a Ds model, whether that was the intention or not. I also know that Domination and submission issues were the largest factor in the failure of my 'vanilla' relationships - not because there was no Ds interaction, but rather there was not enough to satisfy us both. I havent had a long term vanilla relationship for nearly three years, as during that time I have more aggressively attempted to learn about the lifestyle, only to find myself coming full circle.

I don't love a woman because she is submissive. I love a woman because she is kind, intelligent, loves to laugh, and loves to smile. These can be traits of dominants and submissives alike - but I find that if the woman is naturally submissive around me, the interaction is less 'forced' and more natural. I can say with confidence that most of my long term relationships failed because I simply did not take a strong enough dominant role, that I expected my partner to be my 'equal' in all senses (thanks a lot womyn's lib) rather then to simply assume the natural role that for years I had been taught was 'wrong.'

In a nutshell, instead of focusing on my BDSM interests as the 'why' my relationship failed, I try to see things in the context that BDSM is no more important then music, art, or food tastes. It's a part of life to savor and indulge but never to the exclusion of the rest of life.

Stephan



MistressDREAD -> RE: Breakup (6/14/2004 7:52:04 PM)

[:(]Breakup[&o]
There are many ways and reasons that people breakup. I am going to look at this word a bit differently then most here for it is not thru marraige alone that two or more people breakup and more reasons then lost love or lifestyle differances and this is just one that I am going to post here for a breakup sample of the reasons the whys and the end results. I have had a successful Poly Marraige to two Dominant Males concurrently with the first one lasting 27 years befor His passing and the second One forming 10 years after My firstone and lasting 15 years befor His passing. I am now a DoubleWidow with multible slave owership. If You think replacing a Husband in the vanilla world lost is hard, Try replacing Two Domianant Poly Gorean Masters whom accept a Domiant Mate and accept a BDSM Poly Gorean Home with multiple slaves with in. After 7 years of looking Ive come to the conclusion that I have allready had My blessings in this area. ANYHOW,
Three months ago I contracted a slave whom I had been conversing with two months befor this. This boy was in need of Gorean training and I agreed to give this training as he was on his career as a trucker and We would incorperate him into the fold as he learned within his 6 month contract of training. he was a willing slave and for the two months that he trained online while on the road was maticulous in his learnings. I am still quite proud in how far he had come in that short time in his desire to become a total slave in My Lifestyle. We met and our comming to gether bonded well, unfortunatly a little to well, for this slave had one bad habit that he was working hard on over comming but in the end just could not and it was the cause of the end of a contract and colar but of course not My caring. Jealousy, and this was not just any kind of jealousy which by the way I do not allow in any form in My Poly Home as it is a intolerable feeling that breaks downs trust, devotion, and integrity within the Family. But it was the jealousy of a inanimate object. What was this object you ask? it was My Computer. the slave was jealous of My being able to run My businesses and run My Homes and run My families and enjoy My timeonline with My computer in ways he was not allowed nor knew how to do. now this seems a rather funny subject to cause a breakup I know, but in all reality it really is not for We are comming into the computer age where machines and their like take and hold and control more with in Our lifes on a daily basis and it is that time that We as humans must relinquish Our selfs to in order to sustain Our lifes more and more each day. Now this slave was lucky for his time with Me was here in Florida in a One on one basis for My other Family members are currently at My Home outside the country so he had a very large part of Me and My time that I devoted to him and even tho he gained more then most slaves do in My servitude still found jealously in his heart towards My about 10 hours a day that I must commit online in order to run My life.
These are his words to Me when I questioned his actions after he left to return to his own career on his truck and completly ignored his collar and contract not even giving Me the common curtisy to say till I questioned his wrong actions why he had completly stated as he left that this is what he desired then when he was gone I was out of site out of mind and not even a Dear John letter did I recieve from My posession whom I might add I was tending to ALL of his lifes obligations at this point and found it odd that sumone would leave such important items to One that they dident respond to. This is what I received two weeks after his leaving and during that time not knowing if he was alive or dead as he had disapeared off of the face of the earth, this slave whom had been on the phone daily to Me for over three months and online another two months befor a contract was even signed and he came to Me to My Home. Here is My DearJohn letter left and not even was I told face to face what the reasons for this slaves actions were.Subject :
quote:

Sorry that i wasnt the slave you deserve
Mistress Dread : I would like to say to start that You Are THe Most Wonderful Mistress , Teacher any sub or slave could Possilbly have. i am souly responible for the failure of this union . My fear, confusion and jealousy is to blame .i have to confess that the other night when You asked if You were on my mind while i was out west , i said no,and that was a total lie and i do not even know why i said it ....... You have been on my mind and in my heart and in my dreams . i feel stupid for being jealoous of an object. even childish .the object is or was your pc and the time You worked on it. stupid right, over the little time You spent on it . the fear i mentioned was of being an embaresment to You or disappointment to You because i felt i shouldent be feelign this way and disappointment becouse " GOR" was just turning me off , and You are so into it.and You respect Dominant Men which is hard for me to grasp as i think men should be under a Godess like You. I know You told me before or ahead of time this is what You beleive and, i did try to get or have some of the same feeling towards it. i truely wish it was different but truth be known it has an opiste effect and i dont know how to react to it. To me You are the GREATEST MISTRESS OWNER anyone could ever hope to have . I truely hope You find Someone who is smart enough to grab on and not let you go or dissappoint you anyone would be 100x(s) better than i could ever hope to be.im sorry for not being able to face You for i felt that if i tried i would not of been able to leave and im so sorry for taking any of Your time. So inparting i wish YOU Happiness and Love .your parting slave reed please forgive me.

[:o]So then My Life and My Breakup a open book. it was a short contract to start and it was not finished being full filled but what I did have with this slave for Me was sweet. It was to bad that he could not get over his problems with jealousy for I feel he would of made a perfect personal slave to Me had he stayed and tried to give learning a chance instead of bringing in those mono type thoughts and feelings that really have no place in any relationship much less lifestyle one. I now see why he has been married and divorced two times in a mono marraige. If I had to choose anything to hate it would be Jealousy and Dishonor both of which this boy gave Me in return for My Dominance,Care, Training and Commitment. This was My first tempt to work around a slaves career in order for them to become a 24/7 slave instead of comming to Me as most of the others had with nothing but their selfs in commitment and I now question if I will ever put forth the effort to gain such a end again.

[image]local://upfiles/9526/641A877E7EA14FB8BB1A788BA2286480.gif[/image]



proudsub -> RE: Breakup (6/14/2004 8:44:14 PM)

Hi MistressDread,
I am sorry your relationshsip ended that way and for those reasons. It's too bad he didn't come to you and discuss his jealousy problem so that you two could work through it.



MistressDREAD -> RE: Breakup (6/14/2004 9:03:41 PM)

ahhh well proud the lesson here is hopefully
others will see first off the dificulties in trying
to bring a 24/7 slave relationship into reality
and two for any slave or sub to see that if they
do not communicate with Those whom they
profess a desire to serve will never gain the
chance to work out the problems for it takes
more then one to do so and the actions of this
slaves show that he has never learned the skills
of communication for application nor how to get past
sumthing as useless as jealousy in any relationship
for any reason and at 49 I fear he will never which is sad.
Yes it is sad that he dident have the guts to come forward
but from his words it was to humiliating to himself to admit
to himself to have jealousy against an inanimate object. And
I feel he questioned his Own subjudication when another Male
presented with in that was Dominant and this is a issue that
makes Me feel that he questions his own value in My or any
Female Dominants eyes. I suspect that he might have Switch
type feelings he was surpressing and this is why he was not
liking the concepts of GOR because he had to face those diverse
feelings and had trouble facing them on My behalf and simply
dident desire to present them to Me for Us to work them out. sad.



GoddessMarissa -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 2:12:26 AM)

My breakup had everything to do with BDSM. I dont feel like going into detail at this time because it was a recent event and still dealing with it. I just know a vanilla relationship will never work with me. I hate to say never but I know what I expect out of any relationship that I will ever have from now on.



Voltare -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 3:16:38 AM)

Marissa,

breaking up just plain sucks, no matter how you do it. My deepest sentiments to you.

Others,

After the past few years of solely looking in the 'BDSM' pool, I'm giving vanilla relationships another shot - but with the expectation that just because she is vanilla, doesn't mean I cannot 'be myself.' What I suspect might happen is in the long term, I will be just as 'dominant' as I would have been with a slave, and she will likely respond as well as any submissive - just lacking in the technical terminology. MANY people live their whole lives this way - I just think the key is to find someone who would be receptive to the lifestyle, to be honest in the beginning that you have unconventional attitudes towards relationships to be negotiated at another time, and when enough time to establish a healthy relationship has passed, to introduce the person slowly i.e. light bondage, roleplaying, or just sharing of (less extreme) fantasies. If the girl I have been dating for a couple months turns green, calls me a sick bastard and walks out? Well, it's safe to say it wouldn't have worked out long term (Grins.) Move on to the next.

There are LOTS of potential partners out in the sea. Spending 4-12 hours a night on a computer isn't likely to connect you as easily with one of them, as it takes about three hours in any decent bar or dance club to 'meet' someone, where as it takes 4-12 months to 'meet' someone real time from a computer (nevermind the headaches and misery involved with that.) As a bonus, there's no worries about fake photographs, long distance relationships, or other common internet hassles.

Just more rambling..

Stephan



January -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 6:03:31 AM)

DREAD,

I'm very sorry to hear about your sexie trucker slave.

I am truly convinced that he's beating himself over the head right now for leaving you, and he'll be thinking of you and what he lost forever.

Based on his Dear John letter, I also think he has no idea why he split. So don't take his reasons too seriously, or analyze them too closely. (You know, if he was afraid of commitment, he'd never admit it. Far easier for him to blame Gor or your computer). Maybe in a few years, he'll have figured out why he ran off.

By then you'll have nearly forgotten him.

January



EStrict -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 5:22:44 PM)

My breakup with my first husband was because we were both so young and hadn't a clue when we got together (I was 19 when we got engaged). Though BDSM wasn't something I even really knew about, I suppose it could be argued that it was part of our break up. I am a slave at heart, and where I have no problem taking care of the home and children while working full time if need be, I do have a problem dealing with a man who is whining that he can't find a job he likes, is unemployed more often then not (after he got out of the service), and put EVERY thing on me from earning all the money, to finding ways to pay the bills, while not accepting that there were things we just *couldn't* afford.

Deep down I needed a man with self-confidence in his decision (even if was to no longer work a specific job), and could allow me to feel *safe* around him that he would be there to help through difficult times, not just whine because I haven't already figured a way out past them.



iwillserveu -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 6:02:52 PM)

It was more than just BDSM, but if I was ever tied up inescapably in seconds (and I could not masturbate easily) we might have worked it out.

That sounds like my fetish talking. Unfortunately that is where my fetish comes from. When it got rocky and the marriage counselor appointments started I tried. I tried a lot. Even if she didn't read the Men are from Mars books, I did. Even when it seemed like I was the only one trying, I keep trying.

Then my right hand always said "yes". I stopped trying so hard. If one person cares enough a marriage might still be salvagable. If both partners are apathetic...

That's why I'm into chastity. A divorced person is a liar. (Death do us part...) I don't like being a liar.

Even if you look at your ex now and wonder "What was I thinking?" it was important to you at the time. If you are divorced, you failed at the most important thing to you at the time. I don't like being a failure.

What makes it worse is I know I could've tried more. That is why I'm into chastity: I don't want to have the easy out again.



proudsub -> RE: Breakup (6/15/2004 6:36:51 PM)

All i can say is tomorrow is our 36th anniversary, and thank god hubby was so understanding about my bdsm affair last year or there wouldn't be an anniversary. I am very lucky.



BlackGoddess -> RE: Breakup (6/19/2004 9:21:26 AM)

Most of my relationships failed because the other party was not into BDSM. My divorce was because of that and because he was a f@#$%&* pedofile.

Interestingly, I married my current husband because he was submissive (of course, that's not the only reason). We have been Master/slave for about 3 yrs and will celebrate our 1st anniversary as Wife/husband in September.



BlackGoddess -> RE: Breakup (6/19/2004 9:30:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillserveu

A divorced person is a liar. (Death do us part...) I don't like being a liar.

Even if you look at your ex now and wonder "What was I thinking?" it was important to you at the time. If you are divorced, you failed at the most important thing to you at the time. I don't like being a failure.



hmm...while I agree with you to a point, I would rather be a liar than endanger my kids any further to the piece of scum that I married. I refused to be like my grandmother who stayed married to my grandfather after my mom told her that she was being molested by him. Some things just cannot be worked out.



confusetheswede -> RE: Breakup (6/19/2004 9:41:55 AM)

xbad sex could make me leave. but i'd more concerned about the actual realtionship than that.x

quote:

ORIGINAL: January

Many folks here on collarme are divorced, just like anywhere else. But I was wondering...

Did vanilla problems (like your partner was a spendthrift jerk) or bdsm problems (too extreme or wrong match, etc...) break you up, or both?

Some of you have already mentioned the reasons for your breakups in other threads, but please do reply again.

Thanks!

Jan



sub4hire -> RE: Breakup (6/19/2004 11:45:59 AM)

Well I am not divorced. I set goals out for myself when I was 12 years old. That clearly stated no serious relationships until I hit 30 and my career is firmly in the ground.

However, that doesn't mean I did'nt have a couple. My first one was a high school thing. We spent a very good 5 years together. A year and a half before our break up we started arguing one day. Didn't stop until I walked away. It took about another 2 years after that for us to become friends again. I have no regrets.

Second was my Dom. I met him just a few months after the first break up. We got along great. It was fabulous. Only problem is, I was not 30 yet. I had goals. He wanted marriage. It was not an option to me in my mind. (I had a very good friend die from an alcoholic driver when I was 15..I learned you learn to take care of yourself, which is the reason why my goals were so important)
He was being transferred to another country. He asked me to join him. I was given the option so I declined.

I knew what I wanted out of life. I was finally ready to move on so I started searching. I am happy to say I found the right one for me. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Sure we have down time. It's just like any other relationship. He completes me the same way I complete him.

So, nope lifestyle wasn't a factor in any of my relationships breaking up. I know what I want out of life and I won't settle for any less. I move with caution, I don't make stupid mistakes. I do make mistakes but they are very well thought out ones.

Anyway I hoped this helped the thread out a bit. It's merely my experiences which are unlike anyone elses.



LadySirona -> RE: Breakup (6/21/2004 3:39:12 AM)

I was raised ina family where the women are dominant and the man submissive; not obviously in a BDSM way, but in the everyday sort of thing. I was trained from the cradle that was how it was supposed to be and watching my Grandparents it seemed totally normal. I had bene adopted by my Grandparents.

I wanted that.

When I met my real mother and moved to California in 1976 I found her in a long standing D/s relatinship. They didn't call it anyting, but it was classic. The sun rose and set on my mother in her partner's eyes. Together they acheived their goals

I wanted that.

What happend was: I attracted men who like strong women... My first husband was one liked strong women but who then did passive aggressive things to "rebel". He also wanted a poly amorus lifstyle, which was not my path at the time. We went our seperate ways

I had my daughter form the marriage and I went 9 years goign back to school, getting a career and building a life for the two of us.

My second husband again liked storng women... but then had to challenge and degrade everyting I did. it turned into a horrible battle of wills. Eventually his passion for marijuana and a unhealthy attraction to speed and its resulting destruction of out finances and the toxic relatiosnip eneded the second marriage.

I spent a few years looking at what I wanted, and what goals I wanted and I decided: I would look for my partners among those men or women self aware enough to know they want the submissive part od the D/s relationship. I may collar a partner, Ii may handfast a partner, but it would have to be special to at anytime marry a aprtner and only after being collared and hand fasted a minumum of two to three years. I have geen up having children.

So my search continues among all the do me, wannabe, wankers looking for those sincere souls. Of which i seem to have found some here on this board.



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