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a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 6:57:56 PM

fantasyweaver

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Hello all....I am seeking wisdom from those of you who can help me be successful in my journey. I am as new as new can be to the lifestyle. I had a few bottom experiences in a wannabe relationship and discovered then that I wanted very much more. And so, I studied on my own, joined the BDSM websites, and recently joined a local BDSM organization. I thought I had a grasp of the basic communication expectations within our lifestyle--but just found out I was sadly mistaken. I had met an experienced Dom at one of the local munches...and we were both perplexed that we were so physically attracted to one another. He suggested that we take the time to really get to know each other as people, etc....and I was delighted to have met someone that might potentially help me explore my submissiveness. Within a few phone conversations, he decided I was "pushy" which of course is far from a submissive trait--and also pointed out that in my journal entries, I am focused on "me", my needs, my wants within the lifestyle. He is now doubtful that we are a good match. It is of course not the image I wanted to portray, and i was terribly embarrassed. I appreciated his feedback although I was saddened that he was left with that impression of me. I did apologize and amazingly he acknowledged it...indicated he would call me next week, see if we could re-connect and take it from there. Soo......now im nervous about inadvertently controlling the conversation,etc. So any words of wisdom on wooing an experienced Dom? This may seem silly, but its so hard to re-wire my vanilla responses...even though i truly dont recognize them, and it just pushes him away. I really do admire and respect him and would love for him to be able to see my heart of service, i just cant even get to that first date....sigh! thanks everyone.

Post #: 1

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:01:59 PM

laineyjade

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline

greetings fantasyweaver,
I'm not far from a newbie myself, but I've noticed dominants are really pleased when you pay attention and do ask they ask you to. Beyond that I don't think it would do any good to try to reformulate yourself to be better bait to someone even if you like him. The best matches made in heaven are made between people who are already pleased with one another and not doubting from the start, which can give you a bad mind fuck, pardon the language, and give you a self esteem problem.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 2

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:05:19 PM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

See, i wonder.. were you being "pushy" or did you just have an opinion?.....if you were truly being pushy, then yes check that....If you were just having a conversation and you were both expressing your desires and wants and needs then i dont see a problem...nor why he would think thats pushy....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 3

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:09:36 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Trying to change yourself to meet another person's expectations is a disasterous start to any relationship. The "real" you will slip out eventually, or you will resent trying to suppress it and will blow up regardless. You may not be "submissive enough" for him, but that doesn't mean you should change. The trick is to find someone who likes you just the way you are. It may be that you are just a bedroom submissive - nothing wrong with that, if that's who you are. It may be that you are submissive in all aspects of your life, but feisty - cool! You'll work that out as you go along. But don't settle for the wrong person just because the chemistry is good, because that won't last long.

It's hard being patient when you're just starting out, but it's worth it. I hung around munches and parties for nearly eighteen months before Master (now husband) walked through the door, and our relationship is still evolving. He either accepts the whole person or you'll be compromising the very things that make you special. Don't try to change!
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to laineyjade)

Post #: 4

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:10:58 PM

fantasyweaver

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Thank you LJ! I agree I should just be myself...and i certainly dont mind if things dont move forward because of fundamental differences. I tend to "suggest" things....like "would love to have coffee if you have any free time".. Im discovering thats considered pushy....and Im thinking im making myself available for him on his schedule. sigh

(in reply to laineyjade)

Post #: 5

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:18:02 PM

fantasyweaver

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

what wonderful words of wisdom ladies! Thank you for helping me dust myself off, and regain my sense of self. I love the concept of perhaps not being "submissive enough" for his tastes...but that doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with my level of submissiveness. I know I may be new...but I know what I have inside of me waiting to be given...and if he isnt interested in discovering that...then why bother?
Thanks again. I will choose to be disappointed but nothing more. hugs!

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 6

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:18:51 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

When you mention journals...were they for him or a personal blog? I'm just curious...

I realize from your post that you do sincerely like this man, but trying to be someone else in order to go on a first date doesn't seem like the answer. Was he specific about the instances where you were "pushy"? Do you agree that you might have come across that way during those instances? Just some food for thought...

But as far as advice goes...be honest and direct. Let him know that this was not something intentional on your part and you will try to be more aware of the way you come across. I have found that dealing with Dominant men is no different than dealing with men in general...flutter the ol' eyelashes and get out your best flirt. Try to remember what attracted him to you originally...what was your behavior like then?

Minor addendum...decide whether you really want to go on a date with a man who thinks you're journals are self-centered and your actions are pushy.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 7

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:29:40 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Your journal is your journal. Unless you agreed to submit to him by writing what he wants to hear. Then I have to wonder what is the purpose of sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, if they have to be filtered in order to please him first. Wow, would I have a huge problem with that.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 8

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:38:37 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Your journal is your journal. Unless you agreed to submit to him by writing what he wants to hear. Then I have to wonder what is the purpose of sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, if they have to be filtered in order to please him first. Wow, would I have a huge problem with that.

I was wondering what else could a journal be about, but yourself...maybe that's when third person speak would come in handy...

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 9

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 7:47:52 PM

CutieMouse

Posts: 81
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fantasyweaver

Thank you LJ! I agree I should just be myself...and i certainly dont mind if things dont move forward because of fundamental differences. I tend to "suggest" things....like "would love to have coffee if you have any free time".. Im discovering thats considered pushy....and Im thinking im making myself available for him on his schedule. sigh

Soooo... essentially saying you'd enjoy the pleasure of his company (which is a compliment) at his convenience (which is making yourself available on his schedule) is bad/pushy/not submissive or something?

Color me confused...

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 10

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 8:12:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You should continue to be yourself. You both have to decide if you will work together, and you can't do that if you just start changing yourself to fit what he wants (or what you think he wants)

And don't let "experienced dom" mean much to you- he isn't experienced AT ALL with you and plenty of "experienced doms" are total asshole losers.

What matters if you are a good match together. It worries me that you're letting him effect you so easily and shake your sense of self.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CutieMouse)

Post #: 11

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 8:43:38 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

You might be new to the lifestyle but you are not new to living - use your common sense; and if he says or does something that seems to go against common sense (i.e. telling you what to think / do / say) before you have solid mutuality in place, hell with it. A bad (or good) match is a bad (or good) match, regardless if it's D/s, M/s, or vanilla.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 9:16:34 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You are new to the lifestyle... and he is new to you as well. This EXPERIENCED, sexually appealing dom rushes in and starts controlling in area's you may have allowed thinking it is all part of things... while this EXPERIENCED dom thinks this is the best way to handle/mold/shape/enhance you. Right?

yes?

Okay... are you ready for this? I don't care how wonderful mr. wonderful is... he ought to know better in my opinion... RUN!

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 13

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 9:20:57 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You should continue to be yourself. You both have to decide if you will work together, and you can't do that if you just start changing yourself to fit what he wants (or what you think he wants)

And don't let "experienced dom" mean much to you- he isn't experienced AT ALL with you and plenty of "experienced doms" are total asshole losers.

What matters if you are a good match together. It worries me that you're letting him effect you so easily and shake your sense of self.

.....that's all..........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 9:25:50 PM

Masternslave07

Posts: 203
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Have other people told you that you are pushy? From the sound of it, I don't think so. Sexual attraction doesn't guarantee compatibility. It is very possible he is wrong about you and for you.

_____________________________

You can lead a horse to water, but not a cow.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 15

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/6/2007 10:06:20 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

As someone who attends munches from three or four different groups, has run a large group, attends events in a couple of cities, I have seen a lot of experience. Think about any profession, how many have lots of "experience" and still suck?

Many do equate boundaries and a healthy self image with a "bad" submissive. Trust me, you WANT to be seen as a bad submissive to these idiots.

Don't worry about getting a dom yet, take your time, look around, ask questions, perhaps volunteer a bit and do some reading of NON FICTION bdsm books. I really really love Midori's new book, it has ZERO fluffy romantic bdsm stuff and is just real grounded stuff stripped of all the bullshit. It isn't cheap but it is fabulous.

(in reply to Masternslave07)

Post #: 16

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/7/2007 3:36:22 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fantasyweaver

Hello all....I am seeking wisdom from those of you who can help me be successful in my journey. I am as new as new can be to the lifestyle. I had a few bottom experiences in a wannabe relationship and discovered then that I wanted very much more. And so, I studied on my own, joined the BDSM websites, and recently joined a local BDSM organization. I thought I had a grasp of the basic communication expectations within our lifestyle--but just found out I was sadly mistaken. I had met an experienced Dom at one of the local munches...and we were both perplexed that we were so physically attracted to one another.

Why were you perplexed that you had chemistry? For me, it's all about the animal attraction.

quote:

He suggested that we take the time to really get to know each other as people, etc....and I was delighted to have met someone that might potentially help me explore my submissiveness.

**looking at the post directly above this post...** I'll bet you were much more than just delighted too.. When Michael and I began talking, I was nervous, excited, curious and scared to death!

quote:

Within a few phone conversations, he decided I was "pushy" which of course is far from a submissive trait--and also pointed out that in my journal entries, I am focused on "me", my needs, my wants within the lifestyle. He is now doubtful that we are a good match.

That's a darn shame. Michael would simply say, "It's been about Lisa (me) her whole fucking life and now Lisa needs to learn she doesn't get things her way anymore. She does things MY way. Isn't that right slut?"
And as for suggesting coffee anytime, he'd be like "Hell yeah! Let's go right now!"

quote:

Soo......now im nervous about inadvertently controlling the conversation,etc. So any words of wisdom on wooing an experienced Dom?

*grinning* Flirt shamelessly and send sexy pics

quote:

This may seem silly, but its so hard to re-wire my vanilla responses...

That is the Dom's job.. To teach you the responses he wants from you. My favorite part of any conversation with Him.. It usually stops me dead in my tracks and makes me feel like I just did a shot of 100 proof rum.. I think he likes that part too..

quote:

I really do admire and respect him and would love for him to be able to see my heart of service, i just cant even get to that first date....sigh! thanks everyone.

I am truly not being flip here, but he may have just changed his mind and what he said to you about you being pushy and too self centered were simply good excuses to bow out. Remember the book He's Just Not That Into You? It happens..
But because you seem to be so drawn to him, I sincerely hope that isn't the case and wish you the best of luck..
-BSB

< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 7/7/2007 3:38:24 AM >

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)

Post #: 17

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/7/2007 4:19:03 AM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

Ditto what everyone said. I read your profile and you don't seem pushy at all--a journal is a place to be self-centered, figure out how you feel, what you want, what is going on and deal with it in the best way possible. There is a meme of a few people that submissives shouldn't have needs, which is nonsense.

You are experienced as a human being--you need to be true to yourself. IF you decide to see him again (and, intellectually, I wouldn't, but I know how hard it is, even when you see the red flags, when someone is considerate enough to want to get to know someone and not try to jump in bed at the beginning, and there is chemistry, and you've been aching to do this for ages!), listen to him and pick up cues from him while you are together, but don't, don't, don't censor what you feel or think in your journal!

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 18

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/7/2007 7:05:25 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

The first time I met my SO in person I compensated for my anxiety unconsciously and came across as very forward and a little aggressive to him. I think it was my defense mechanism. It took awhile for me to show my true self and the submission has been happening gradually as I learn more about myself and get closer to him.
Since you are new to this it seems a given that it will take time to find out the level of submission you are able to give. I might be wrong about this but I think that level might even vary depending on the partner you are with.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 19

RE: a rocky start..... - 7/7/2007 7:46:06 AM

jayded34

Posts: 293
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

And again this morning i was reminded......."just be you......for its you i desire, you i chose, you i want"

Me is the only person i know how to be, it took me a long time getting here. Lots of ups and downs and now being me is getting easier and easier. Thank goodness Himself wants me for me. When He asked me to start a journal i was completely against it. With His encouragement to write about anything i want, good or bad, about how I feel about Us, i realize He wants to know and respects Us enough to listen.....even when i am being needy or pushy or down right bitchy. 4 thousand miles away and still He amazes me. Never let someone take away yourself......even when you surrender..
just my 2cents worth.

_____________________________

You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her.
~ by Anonymous ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 20

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