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RE: Suppressing one's kink - 6/20/2005 7:27:04 PM

Isolde

Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
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I've been meaning to respond but wasn't sure of how to arrange my thoughts on this. Hmm. I hope I manage to express this clearly.

I have suppressed my kink for most of my life. It's only been in the past months that I've been open about it with my husband and so far our experiments with integrating all of this fun new stuff into our pre-existing dynamic haven't been entirely successful. While it has been wonderful to act on all of the things that have been in my head for years and years now, there have been times when the heartache and headaches outweigh that joy. It isn't easy to change a shared life and it becomes even more difficult when that shared life already has a lot going for it; my husband and I have a solid marriage, we are good together and happy.

Except, now, for this. I can't really put into words the fear and self-doubt we've both felt as a result of my finally going to him and saying 'I want this in my life.' I know that in the coming months that there will be a point where I'll have to ask myself if the negative emotions and turmoil are worth the potential outcome, and whether it is doing more harm than good. There is also the matter of whether or not we are even compatible in this part of our lives together. If we aren't, and it is a possibility, then I'll have to make the decision to explore this on my own (providing I have his blessing) or suppress it.

Right now, thinking about possible outcomes, suppressing my kink is the one I lean towards the most.

I don't doubt that if I told him I need this in my life and that I will go out and find a dominant and that that dominant won't be him, that he would tell me that it was all right to do so. He'd tell me that because he loves me and wants me to be happy. But I do know him well enough to know that it would eat at him, to have me go outside of our marriage for that. No matter how honest I was about what we did, it would hurt our marriage and (more importantly) it would hurt him. Hurting him hurts me, so that is something I want to avoid. I have lived with indulging my kinky side for many, many years without suffering permanent harm. Yes, I'd like to be open with that side of my self but I'm not going to do it at the expense of someone I am good with in every other way.

So...suppressing kink isn't necessarily a bad thing. It benefits him because I don't break his heart and it benefits me because I don't break my heart by breaking his and it benefits our family because we continue to go on and love each other and do right by each other.

Now, I don't consider myself a martyr for thinking of it as a valid option. I don't know that by putting it away again that I'll be dooming myself to a miserable life of repressed desire and furtive masturbation. I might feel differently down the road, and it may well work out that I don't have to suppress these parts of me. I certainly hope so. We shall see. But I do think I can be happy with what I have, since it is infinitely more than what I don't have.

As for your friend, it doesn't sound as if he's happy with the choice he's made. That tells me that he's not likely to be able to sustain it and will have to make a different choice eventually. But I suppose only he will really know when it's time to struggle with that. I wish him luck. He sounds fortunate to have you as a friend, so I know he'll have the support he needs, no matter what his decision is.

< Message edited by Isolde -- 6/20/2005 7:29:05 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

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RE: Suppressing one's kink - 6/21/2005 2:39:03 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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Thank you Sasha!

Rest assured I'll never be one to judge you for living your kink online. We all do what we need/desire to do :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessSasha
I really feel for your friend LadyAngelika and for you in trying to support him in whatever way you can. It takes a big person to give support when they dont understand the feelings. What I think Im trying to say is just the fact of you being there and listening to him might actually be enough for now.

Thanks for understanding the spirit of my post. I hope it does help him to at the very least have a non-judgemental ear.

quote:

Not sure how much sense Im making because its nearly 3.30 am here lol

It makes a whole lot of sense!!

quote:

You could also give him a copy of the serenity prayer - it didnt include the word god in its original form so it could apply to anyone

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

My masseuse gave me this a few years back when I was going through an ordeal. If he wasn't such a cynic, I might have given it to him. But thanks for reminding me of it!

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Suppressing one's kink - 6/21/2005 2:43:32 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

So...suppressing kink isn't necessarily a bad thing. It benefits him because I don't break his heart and it benefits me because I don't break my heart by breaking his and it benefits our family because we continue to go on and love each other and do right by each other.
[...]
But I do think I can be happy with what I have, since it is infinitely more than what I don't have.

Thanks for sharing this with me Isolde. It helps me gain some perspective on the situation. I do very much understand looking at our situations within a bigger picture.

And I wish you much luck in finding the right balance for you. Please keep coming to the forums to talk things out with us.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Suppressing one's kink - 6/21/2005 4:43:53 PM

GoddessSasha

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/13/2005
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Isolde

you know what I think since I messaged you but I would also add here that its so important to do what you feel at the time.

If we choose to supress our kink or to act differently to most here because of whatever reason that is our choice. Just dont fall into the trap I almost did today and end up feeling oppressed by some people here because I dont live up to their rules and regulations.

Now Ive sat back for a few hours had a bit of a whinge to myself lol and come to the conclusion that I am a valid person with valid needs just as everyone here is and while there are people like LadyAngelika, GoddessDustyGold, EmeraldSlave, AAkasha, fillepink
feline, and kc692 (apologies to anyone else I cant remember everyones names when Im a bit drunk lol) who I have come to respect very much, everything will be ok.

so Isolde you keep your chin up girly and I will do the same with all of my chins

heeheehee
sorry if that doesnt make sense but I went a bit overboard on the wine lol

mwahhhh

Sasha

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RE: Suppressing one's kink - 6/21/2005 5:38:11 PM

Blk4u2

Posts: 45
Joined: 3/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

The thing is, he admitted the other day that he didn't want this within a relationship because it would mess with the power balance and normalcy (his opinion). I asked him then what would he do 5 years into a vanilla marriage. His answer was "watch a lot of porn about it and masturbate". The answer left me a little perturbed. My guess is that he is not completely comfortable with his kink and on some levels wants to ignore the possibility of living it out.

People have moral values you can't judge someone for that. All you can do is be his friend and try to understand.
My dom has been divorced twice now. We have been together now twice the amount of time as he was with his first two wives. We aren't even married yet.
Both of his sisters are married each with four children. One is married to a minister.
When he first talked to the minister so many year's ago about me. He told him to forget about me I was nothing but a phase. Phases come and go. When he came back to me and told me that...I was a bit shocked but it gave me an idea of where he was coming from.
People make mistakes. Religious people though live with their mistakes. It is within their moral code. Some stand up, shake themselves off and move on.
Kind of like making a promise..and not wanting to break that promise no matter what.

Both sisters would be long ago divorced if they followed their heart instead of their morals. Just being around them and their husbands...there is no love loss there.
Yet, both continue to stay. Both believe divorce is not the answer to anything..and both believe god will condemn them if they got one.
So, they sit unhappily for the rest of their lives....serving god.

Make sense of it if you'd like its been years and I still don't get it. Then again I believe god will watch over us even if we stumble from time to time. I guess they don't.

i wholeheartedly agree. my previous relationship was like this. What's more we went into it with what I thought was a complete understanding of our sexual desires, and her knowing of my desire to fullfill my BDSM desires. What she did was avoid the conversations or skirt the issue. In the long run it didn't work, not only because of that but also because these same habits emerged in the rest of our relationships. As it will in his if he doesn't atleast confront it.

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