What to do. (Full Version)

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patwi -> What to do. (7/8/2007 12:22:44 PM)

     I am new to the "lifestyle" so new in fact, that I am not even in it yet. Here's my problem - I am a married woman. Happily. I love my husband. Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc." to get into "The Scene" but I really have no interest at all in cheating on my husband, or even having other people watch me as I learn.

    What's a shy girl to do? I cannot fathom having people watch my husband and I at our most intimate moments. I suppose I am just doomed to learning from books alone.



MissyRane -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:25:34 PM)

Explore it together?



zindyslave -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:26:31 PM)

These forums are good places to learn, maybe not hands on but you can learn alot from here. You don't have to cheat on your husband or let people watch you. There are ways of getting what you want/need without that. That is if your husband is interested in the same things as you.



patwi -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:27:40 PM)

     But how? *laughs* I will absolutely -not- have anyone other than my husband see me without clothes, or in sexy outfits. I would never be able to do a "scene" with him at a public place. 

    Part of the issue is that I havent yet told my husband, because I still don't know exactly what my "kink" is. Unil I figure that out, I cant really explore anything.



zindyslave -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:30:57 PM)

who ever said you had to scene at a public place? Me and my Master don't scene in public, we scene at home only. You learn by experimenting most times. That is how we done it. I was as new to this as you are now around November of last year, and me and Master decided to explore it together. These forums have helped alot.

edited to add: since I seen your edit, you probably need to do some soul searching about what your 'kink' is and make sure that is what you want, then go from there.



patwi -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:35:44 PM)

     I could just go for subtle and leave kinky erotica books laying open all over the house. It seems seems like the prevailing attitude is that in order to "be BDSM" one has to be "in The Scene" and in "The Lifestyle." This is all very intimidating to someone like me, hearing about play parties and kink clubs.



proudsub -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:36:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    But how? *laughs* I will absolutely -not- have anyone other than my husband see me without clothes, or in sexy outfits. I would never be able to do a "scene" with him at a public place. 

   Part of the issue is that I havent yet told my husband, because I still don't know exactly what my "kink" is. Unil I figure that out, I cant really explore anything.


Talk to your husband, let him know you would like to try some things you have read about.  Maybe start with just some hand cuffs, or if you want to try a little erotic pain, try some clothes pins on your nips for a few seconds. If you search for threads about vanilla partners and spouses you will find a lot of good advice. Another way to explore new feelings is to masturbate while fantacizing and see what turns you on. Enjoy your journey.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:37:13 PM)

You don't know what your kink is?

I think that is true for many of us, in that BDSM is an exploration and an evolution.  When I started out, some things weren't even on my radar, and now I love Love LOVE them. 

But I also bet you DO know what your kink is.  You have *some* idea.  Start with that.  Do you like the idea of being controlling your husband?  Of being tied up?  Of wearing sexy outfits for him?  Him wearing sexy outfits for you?  Reading and talking to people helps.  Doing that will help you find ideas that make you all wet and drippy.  

Please don't wait for your kink to be all figured out before you start trying!   

So.  (grinning)  What makes you hot?

MSS



Level -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:44:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

   I could just go for subtle and leave kinky erotica books laying open all over the house. It seems seems like the prevailing attitude is that in order to "be BDSM" one has to be "in The Scene" and in "The Lifestyle." This is all very intimidating to someone like me, hearing about play parties and kink clubs.


You can never set foot in a club, at a play party, or a munch, and absolutely be every bit as "in" the lifestyle as anyone. Don't let someone tell you differently.
 
Read and learn, and question yourself, or speak to other switches/submissives/dominants online that you feel you can trust. Once you understand what you are looking for, speak to your husband. Is he open? Do you feel you could eventually discuss this with him?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 12:55:41 PM)

Exactly what Level said. 

But you can wear the same clothes you wear to a fancy dinner party to a kinky club and fit in just fine- in fact you'll probably show better taste and style than most of the others there.  And while you don't need to go to any club or party to be kinky or dominant or submissive, it CAN be a great experience to learn new ideas, share, and feel more social.  I recommend just to make an informed choice.

As well, there are munches- held in ordinary restaurants with everyone just hanging out enjoying a meal together, no kink at all.



GhitaAmati -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 1:38:38 PM)

By the way, I wear jeans and a t-shirt to most fetish parties...and Ive been attending them for over 10 years and dont really see myself as a newbie....and sometimes we dont play..we go and watch..especially when there is someone there from a different area doing a new technique that we are interestd in watching and learning. And lots of people at conventions are more than willing to answer questions, you dont have to actually play or scene or wear anything specific. Also, there are munches and educational discussion groups and things where no one plays, they just talk. books and websites are great, but I truly suggest you talk to your hubby. Even if what yousay is, "hunny, Im interested in reading about this, i dont know if I am going to like it or not, or what aspects of it i will like, but its something id like to learn about." There, you havent said you want to do anything "kinky" you havent admitted to any specific kink, just expressed a desire to read about something...and thats your first step. The farther in this you go without being honest, the harder it will be to backtrack.

and besides....its only kinky the first time ~grin~



charlotte12 -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 1:56:56 PM)

I have found that i learn a lot more when in intimate settings. Clubs and fetish parties can be good to meet other people or observe but i personally can't go as deep as when we're alone and i would not say at ALL that i could not learn without them. For me they're more like an added treat then the actual learning experience. I've never been to a munch because i think there's only one where i'm at [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m14.gif[/image] but from what i've heard about them i would recommend going to those instead if you want to talk to other people in real life and are shy. Don't let anyone tell you the only way to learn is play parties! And i agree not to wait to learn exactly what your kink is before you begin. I thought i had mine all figured out and for the most part i have changed a lot from what i thought would make me oh so happy. Start talking to your hubby and exploring. I imagine he might actually be more happy to explore it if you come with ideas rather than "i want to do this and this like this and that". It will leave him room to insert his own suggestions.

Good luck!

~charlotte



grlneedstolearn -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 3:22:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

Explore it together?


i agree, you two should explore and learn together



kaprecia -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 3:44:37 PM)

Read, learn, ask questions.  When you figure out what you want talk to your husband. 

Yes, Same advice that you have already received here but I am new and posting to just about everything.  LOL



Focus50 -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 5:00:32 PM)

BDSM has been the basis of my relationship dynamics for several decades now yet I've never "scened" in public or allowed my girl to be seen naked or even semi-naked by anyone else.  You don't hafta go to clubs or be part of communities to "belong", though they can help in making you feel less self-conscious or even guilty about your personal needs - if that's where you're at.
 
For me, D/s is all about my personal relationships and how I express intimacy.  I don't need the validation of outsiders for my personal needs and choices and what I do to/with my girl is nobody else's business but ours.  My very limited visits to functions and play parties etc served only to confirm what I always suspected - not *MY* scene. 
 
Yet I do enjoy participating on these Forums.  A "shy girl" should at least be able to talk to hubby....
 
Focus.  



Lashra -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 6:25:58 PM)

Both of you need to read some books and frequent some of the better BDSM sites. Just remember take everything you read with a grain of salt and use common sense.

~Lashra



ExSteelAgain -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 7:07:30 PM)

I'm not sure why you feel like you are going to be put in situations where you will be expected to cheat on your husband. You need to start talking with him early, even if you are unsure of what you want. Let him find out what he wants, too.



slaveluci -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 7:34:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi
Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc." to get into "The Scene" but I really have no interest at all in cheating on my husband, or even having other people watch me as I learn..................
What's a shy girl to do? I cannot fathom having people watch my husband and I at our most intimate moments. I suppose I am just doomed to learning from books alone.

Master and I have never gone to a club, play party or public event and we never will.  It is not in any way appealing to either of us to do intimate things in public venues.  That's just not our cup of tea.  It has not hindered us in anyway.  Doing so is a preference, not a necessity.  I was fortunate in that, though I had zero experience, my Master had lots of it so we weren't starting out together as you and your husband seem to be.  You could, as you mentioned, read up on all the aspects that interest you and take advantage of other forms of media.  And, though I don't necessarily suggest "mentors," there are knowledgable folks here and in other venues from whom you can glean information and to whom you can aim questions in ways that won't publicly embarrass you. 

I'm really not of the belief that you need to learn things from others, however, unless it's specifics on certain activities such as bondage, use of certain whips, etc.  Those skills can be taught but you can't learn what's best for you in the way of D/s from others per se.  This has to be worked out within your relationship, perhaps by trial and error, until you find what works for you both.  Best of luck............luci



PairOfDimes -> RE: What to do. (7/8/2007 7:56:51 PM)

Books (and increasingly, blogs) are a great way to learn whether you want to explore BDSM further. As you read, you should think about how the experiences detailed by others relate to what you might want out of BDSM. Even if the author thinks it's a lot of fun, that doesn't mean it will be a lot of fun for you. This applies in face-to-face contacts, too. If it hasn't been said yet, you get to do BDSM the way you want. Yes, there are some common practices, and some language that is used within BDSM communities, but ultimately it's a personal relationship decision--you get to customize your BDSM relationship.

No, you absolutely don't have to go to play parties and take your clothes off in front of people in order to be kinky. Also, you can go to a party and just watch and socialize--I've never gone to one where playing was required, although I've gone to some where everyone played (usually small gatherings where almost everyone knew everyone else). While it's often fun and edifying to socialize with other kinky people, it's really not necessary, especially if you want to enjoy kink within your existing monogamous relationship, and if you're not exhibitionistic.

Also, I understand that you're monogamous, and I think that's okay, but if you do get into the public scene, you might see people in established relationships who play with people outside of that partnership or marriage and don't consider that cheating. They're polyamorous, or in open relationships, and they don't consider playing with others cheating because they've both agreed to it.

In all kindness, and with some puzzlement, if you don't know what your kink is, what about BDSM makes you think it's right for you? I'm not saying that BDSM is wrong for you, but I'm assuming that you think you like BDSM because you like some image or idea associated with it--maybe it's bondage, or spanking, or the idea of obedience, or ritualized formal service, or needles, or objectification. Surely something within the BDSM umbrella struck you as fun or erotic, yes? Think about that, and then you might have a specific idea or two to bring up to your husband. In the best case, he'll think it's wonderful and exciting and you can play and learn together. (It's really not that hard to learn to spank someone. Needles, cutting, and some other things are more advanced and hard to learn on your own, but bondage and spanking and obedience are easy to do without any community support.) Less happily, it won't be that great for him, but because he's sweet and giving and you have a happy and stable relationship, he'll indulge your kinky tastes occasionally.

Have fun! Please do keep asking questions and reading!



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 12:56:38 AM)

Lots of us dont do the public thing.  And I think there are couples the world over discovering what they enjoy together, without this or other websites, without books, just doing what works for them.  This place is a resource. And you do have books.  And you have each other.  That is really enough IMO.



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