RE: What to do. (Full Version)

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WhiplashSmile -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 1:05:27 AM)

First and Foremost, Explore different aspects of BDSM with your husband.  You don't need to jump into the public scene at all to do BDSM.  You can keep things totally private.   Sure it's nice to have some friends that are into BDSM as well, but you can simply keep it as that!  Friendships.

You don't need to change the relationships dynamics over night if at all between your husband.   You may just simply end up spicing things up in the bedroom.  Trying to live to what everybody elses thoughts and expectations about D/s or M/s relationships may or may not fuck up your marriage.   Best to explore things in conversation with your husband regarding the different aspects of BDSM.

It's great that you are reading things.  Buy books, read stories, be active in the forums. Learn Learn Learn...  see if you can get him into it as well.  Into learning more about BDSM and what's involved.   You could slowly break him in with kink..  plant the seeds and see if they grow.



MaamJay -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 1:56:32 AM)

I echo the thoughts of those here ... you DON'T have to get into the public scene if you don't want to. I hope your hubby will be open to explore ... and there's an infinite range of "levels" to which you might want to take your explorations. As others have suggested, there's any number of techniques and kinks that are safe to explore without hands-on instruction from a more experienced person.

However, I tend to say "never say never". When I first got into this, I didn't dream that I would:
(a) go to a munch
(b) go to a play party
(c) take my clothes off in front of other people
(d) learn how to do complex rope work, fire play and other such activities
(e) have My own Dungeon and host parties ... let alone
(f) living it 24/7!

I've done them all! And what I have loved most ... is that it has set me free! Free of many inhibitions. That's not to say I am going to run down the street naked ... no! But it was empowering to find, that at a play party, someone who is my age (now 51) and size (definitely BBW here!) with several scars from various operations, can get naked, get played with and feel 100% accepted. No one leers at you, no one even notices ... there just aren't too many body beauties in the Dungeon and it doesn't matter. That's awesome. And that's there if, at some stage, you want to experience it.

good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

PS Edited to add: If hubby just flatly isn't interested, there are certainly some bdsm activities that could be explored with his permission, with someone else, that wouldn't involve sex and therefore wouldn't constitute cheating. Just depends on where you want to go with this.



robertolapiedra -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 8:06:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    I am new to the "lifestyle" so new in fact, that I am not even in it yet. Here's my problem - I am a married woman. Happily. I love my husband. Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc." to get into "The Scene" but I really have no interest at all in cheating on my husband, or even having other people watch me as I learn.

   What's a shy girl to do? I cannot fathom having people watch my husband and I at our most intimate moments. I suppose I am just doomed to learning from books alone.


Hello patwi. What is your prime interest? Play or relationship dynamic? You want kink in the bedroom only? You want D/s? M/s? Sexslaving, but no power exchange in day to day living? Total power exchange with your husband?

You seem to know "a lot", about what you do not want. What part of BDSM interests you? Bondage, Discipline, Dominant/Submissive, Slave/Master or Sado-Masochisim?

"Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc "...." I'm advising you to stop looking at the menu. Make your own menu.

RL.



patwi -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 9:11:45 PM)

   Well I do know a few things that seem to pique my interest. Part of me wonders if I really am interesting in BDSM simply because not all of it turns me on - in fact, most of it doesn't at all. I don't particularly like humiliation or spanking or the idea of being flogged for instance. Some of it though is pretty interesting to me - maily the d/s and some of the bondage aspects. Lucky for me, BDSM isn't an all or nothing thing.  
     I think likely I'm only interested in bedroom play - for now. I can't actually fathom a TPE or soemthing along those lines. I -do- need to speak with my husband but for the life of me, I don't know how to start that conversation. *laughs* I think I'm going to go buy a BDSM book and leave it laying open on his keyboard to a story which I like.




robertolapiedra -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 9:55:08 PM)

Hello again. Bedroom play is the best place to start, especially in a marriage. It may one day "overflow" in other aspects of your relationship, then again it may not. What is important is doing things at "your" rythm, your couple's rythm.

Have fun and don't worry about what you find in "exterior" sources. BDSM can be as heavy or as light as you want it. It's all ok!. RL.

PS: It is easier to "do", than to talk in the context you are talking about. Just "do" little "different" things ("almost" kinky) and see where it goes. Baby steps.

Edit: PS insert.



LadyHeart -> RE: What to do. (7/9/2007 10:11:44 PM)

It's easy to say, "Just talk to your husband about it," but if you don't have the foundation there for talking about such things, you may have to start further back than just opening your mouth and saying: "Hey, here's this book, whadda you think?"  My husband and I read a couple of really good books on relationship dynamics before we could be really honest with each other about some of the dark and dirty stuff. Several of them had relationship building exercises in them that established the climate for the deeper communication that we really wanted to have. It enriched both our marriage and our sex life. Our experience was that you have to approach it wholistically to get the best results.

:))
LH



Calandra -> RE: What to do. (7/10/2007 10:31:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    But how? *laughs* I will absolutely -not- have anyone other than my husband see me without clothes, or in sexy outfits. I would never be able to do a "scene" with him at a public place. 

   Part of the issue is that I havent yet told my husband, because I still don't know exactly what my "kink" is. Unil I figure that out, I cant really explore anything.


Go online and look for a series called "Learning the Ropes" by Ona Zee
these are dvds that slowly discuss the lifestyle and let you see different kinks in the privacy of your home. They are fairly soft core, since no sexual behavior happens, but they do demonstrate and discuss safety, preferences, ethics, and psychology of exploring TOGETHER.

You might discuss with your husband that you want to "spice things up" and can you both look into it together... you don't have to know your kinks first really because discovering them in EACH other is loads of fun in itself.

Have fun with it and enjoy the new sides you'll bring out in each other.



Viridana -> RE: What to do. (7/10/2007 2:33:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    I could just go for subtle and leave kinky erotica books laying open all over the house.


Or you could just skip all the subtle parts and straight out ask. "Honey, have you heard about something called bdsm?". [sm=dance.gif]



Celeste43 -> RE: What to do. (7/10/2007 2:42:18 PM)

You don't have to know it all before you spring it on him. In fact, I would advise you not to. Just tell him you stumbled upon this board and are riveted by what you've read. Ask him to read some stuff and see if he would like to explore sexually also. I find it is helpful to go through checklists of possible activities and both of you rate them. The ones you both rate tops are the things to try first to give you the best possible chance of both liking it and wanting to do it again. Talk about it before, during, and after, laugh if something strikes you funny. Some of the best times we've had have been scenes that ended in contagious laughter so we couldn't even continue. We can always pull out the toys another time, but sharing enjoyment should never be put off. 

Unless you hanker for voyeurism or exhibitionism, there is no necessity to find a public scene. Many of us play privately only. We certainly do.



Lewcifer -> RE: What to do. (7/10/2007 5:27:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi
I am new to the "lifestyle" so new in fact, that I am not even in it yet. Here's my problem - I am a married woman. Happily. I love my husband. Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc." to get into "The Scene" but I really have no interest at all in cheating on my husband, or even having other people watch me as I learn.


What do you have an interest in doing?

quote:

What's a shy girl to do? I cannot fathom having people watch my husband and I at our most intimate moments. I suppose I am just doomed to learning from books alone.


What do you want to do?

What can you fathom?

you are doomed to whatever fate you choose.

I suggest you first figure out what it is you want, and how badly you want it.  Why don't you buy a BDSM novel like this one, and make sure your husband sees you reading it.  If he asks you about it, tell him it's a novel about kinky sex... and that it's turning you on.  At night, during bedroom play, tell him that the novel aroused you and that you want him to spank you gently (then present your butt to him, to reinforce this).  See what happens from there.  Take it slow... take it a step at a time.

But I seriously think you have a lot to figure out on your own first, about what it is you want, how badly you want it, and what it is you're willing to do to achieve it.



CutieMouse -> RE: What to do. (7/10/2007 5:39:52 PM)

There's a really non-threatening book published by Greenery Press called When Someone You Love is Kinky by Easton & Liszt. Reading it might help you figure out what you want; reading it together might help the two of you start discsussing BDSM- "Sooo... sweetheart, I read about ___ today, have you thought about it/what was your reaction when you read that passage/etc?"



sadomasokisti -> RE: What to do. (7/11/2007 4:44:21 AM)

Unfortunately the BDSM steriotype is much more brutal than the reality.  Many vanilla ppl belive that BDSM is only about whips, chains, blood and tears.  And that you have to do the whole package, bondage, humiliation, pain etc. 

This misconception adds to the shockvalue of BDSM.  Bondage and spanking  by it self is maybe not so far reach as BDSM.  Try to introduce that into your life with your husband (that is if that's your kink).

There is whole lot of people out there who admit to enjoy bondage and a little spanking every now and then, but they are not into BDSM (the hevy stuff in their view).



AquaticSub -> RE: What to do. (7/11/2007 10:44:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    I am new to the "lifestyle" so new in fact, that I am not even in it yet. Here's my problem - I am a married woman. Happily. I love my husband. Everyone is advising me to "Go to clubs, play parties, etc etc." to get into "The Scene" but I really have no interest at all in cheating on my husband, or even having other people watch me as I learn.

   What's a shy girl to do? I cannot fathom having people watch my husband and I at our most intimate moments. I suppose I am just doomed to learning from books alone.


Going to clubs and parties doesn't mean you have to cheat. Nobody is going to make you take part in a scene. If someone tries (which I doubt but every community has assholes of course), simply report them to the host. If they are the host, leave. Not worth your time.

Just go to parties, groups and talk with people. Most of the people at the play parties I attend don't scene, they just talk and enjoy each other's company. Some demos will be made to show skills but you don't have to play in public if you don't want to.



AquaticSub -> RE: What to do. (7/11/2007 10:46:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

   I could just go for subtle and leave kinky erotica books laying open all over the house. It seems seems like the prevailing attitude is that in order to "be BDSM" one has to be "in The Scene" and in "The Lifestyle." This is all very intimidating to someone like me, hearing about play parties and kink clubs.


Try giving him a copy of "When someone you love is kinky". Read it yourself first.

Edited to add: I personally do not suggest fictional stories as a good way to start. They are fiction and therefore not exactly the most accurate gauge of what it's really like to dominate someone. One of the reasons I suggest this book is because it discusses what it is like to be suddenly told "Honey, I love you, but I really want to do this" when this is something that, seemingly, is coming out of left field. It also addresses how much love and caring there can be in a d/s dynamic.



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