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Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 9:00:27 PM

LadyOpinx

Posts: 35
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

This is a question specifically geared toward the submissives...but any input is appreciated.

When you have made a mistake, would you rather your Master/Mistress came to you Right Away when they were Red Hot with anger/frustration and told you about it when they might not be in so much control of their emotions...

Or...

Waited until they were calm and collected to talk to you about it and what would be done (like 2 days with you not knowing anything was wrong until you were talked to and then *Surprise*)....

Or...

Send you an email telling you they were angry and would deal with you in a couple of days when they were calmer???

Or any other suggestions that might crop up.

Trying to avoid a recent situation happening again. Was told it would have been better "if only" it had happened a certain way.

Thanks in advance

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

PS--Interested to know if anyone would Want their Master/Mistress to just cut contact from them without warning and without telling them what they have done---Any takers? (joking here)

Edited to add clarity

< Message edited by LadyOpinx -- 7/8/2007 9:02:08 PM >

_____________________________

"Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there...What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~~~Richard Bach, "Illusions"

Post #: 1

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 9:11:43 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyOpinx
When you have made a mistake, would you rather your Master/Mistress came to you Right Away when they were Red Hot with anger/frustration and told you about it when they might not be in so much control of their emotions...
Or...
Waited until they were calm and collected to talk to you about it and what would be done (like 2 days with you not knowing anything was wrong until you were talked to and then *Surprise*)....

Or any other suggestions that might crop up.

Well, my answer is kind of a combination of your first two options. I would rather Master come to me right then but He does not get "red hot" with anger. Amazingly, even when He is upset, He is always very much in control of His emotions. Just like everyone, He does occasionally get angry. However, I have never seen Him get visibly angry or heard Him raise His voice to anyone. He is very much in control of His anger. Soooo....since even when upset He remains calm, I would rather He address the issue as it arises. I have had one major punishment during our relationship. I confessed my disobedience to Him and we discussed it right then. He made it clear there would be consequences but it was a couple days before He decided what they would be and told me of them. So, basically, my answer is a combination. Clear as mud?

............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 2

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 9:14:34 PM

Viciousbabe

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I've found that addressing the issue as it arises is the best way to go about things. I don't like not knowing that some thing is wrong. If nothing else, I like it when he tells me what I did wrong, and if too upset to deal with it, that we will go over it later.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 3

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 9:22:31 PM

LadyOpinx

Posts: 35
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
He does not get "red hot" with anger. Amazingly, even when He is upset, He is always very much in control of His emotions. Just like everyone, He does occasionally get angry. However, I have never seen Him get visibly angry or heard Him raise His voice to anyone. He is very much in control of His anger. Soooo....since even when upset He remains calm,

Yes, I may be colorful in my description, but I am not a yeller or screamer either.

I just want to be in total control of myself when I talk to someone about a problem--I actually used to cry more than anything in a confrontation---and I think I still fear that and want some distance of time between the event and my speaking to the person about it because of that.

Linda

_____________________________

"Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there...What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~~~Richard Bach, "Illusions"

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 4

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 10:11:45 PM

viperess

Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

Greetings,
personally if i have done something to anger or displease my Master i would want Him to adress it then...oh i can so remember as a kid hearing those words...just wait till your dad gets home. Master controlls His anger very well and i would trust Him to punish even when ticked off.

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 5

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 10:16:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well I'm usually the type who can get really hot, really fast when I'm in private with someone- so I'd understand someone else doing this as well. I am ok with fights just happening.

But I have on occasion been REALLY upset and frustrated and had to tell them to just leave me alone for a few days to sort it out because I knew NOTHING productive would occur at that time.

Over time with good awareness and practice, hopefully we learn better methods of fighting. Until then, you just deal with what you got- the fights and problems will happen, how you DEAL is more important.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to viperess)

Post #: 6

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 10:32:18 PM

Hina00

Posts: 20
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

I would rather my master came to me anger and all and tell me how he felt. But not "red hot", that sounds scary and immature. So, the first one ^__^; It's sexy and keeps me in the slave mindset...."you displease me and Im going to punish you now", instead of him sulking around for days or cutting contact ( which can be sooo aggrivating.. )

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 7

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 10:38:20 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

I don't think it would be bad if he came to you when he was still angry, as long as he was not out of control. That way you could talk about the problem while it was fresh.

However, I wouldn't advise punishment, if there were to be any, until he had cooled down.

Just the way I do things...I know my temper..lol

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to Hina00)

Post #: 8

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 11:07:15 PM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

i would want Them to discuss it right away, right after i cooked Their
favorite dinner, whipped (oops) up Their favorite delectable dessert,
performed a hot sponge bath massage, wrapped Them up in a dryer
warmed terrycloth robe, popped in Their favorite movie, laid my
head on Their lap, (or in Their lap), looking up adoringly as i bat
my tear filled eyes and whimper, "something wrong breath of my life?"

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 9

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/8/2007 11:14:55 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyOpinx

This is a question specifically geared toward the submissives...but any input is appreciated.

When you have made a mistake, would you rather your Master/Mistress came to you Right Away when they were Red Hot with anger/frustration and told you about it when they might not be in so much control of their emotions...

Or...

Waited until they were calm and collected to talk to you about it and what would be done (like 2 days with you not knowing anything was wrong until you were talked to and then *Surprise*)....

Or...

Send you an email telling you they were angry and would deal with you in a couple of days when they were calmer???

Or any other suggestions that might crop up.

Trying to avoid a recent situation happening again. Was told it would have been better "if only" it had happened a certain way.

Thanks in advance

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

PS--Interested to know if anyone would Want their Master/Mistress to just cut contact from them without warning and without telling them what they have done---Any takers? (joking here)

Edited to add clarity

It depends. I prefer being approached when Valyraen is calm as it lets me feel secure. However, when it's something small (like screwing up what kind of soy milk or cereal he wants) that I've done a few times, sometimes he does need to make it very clear to me. He doesn't yell at me, but he makes it very clear that he is very displeased with my behavior.

Because we live together, it would be impossible to ignore me for a few days but I would not like that. I feel like withdrawing from your submissive is such a harsh punishment that it should only be reserved for the worst of offenses. I would be crushed by Valyraen's withdrawal from me and if the offense was something that I didn't understand his reason for it, I would be angry at him for withdrawing himself without valid reason.

What we generally do when we are at rage levels is that we talk enough to aknowledge the problem and to aknowledge that we are too angry to deal with it right now. We then sit down, have a beer and watch Mythbusters together. By the time the show is over, we can generally talk in a more relaxed manner.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 10

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 5:50:42 AM

k8trix

Posts: 29
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

I'd prefer to face their anger and know than to wonder...because chances are I know I did -something- wrong and I'd just rather have it out in the open.

_____________________________

katie~
“Without mysteries, life would be very dull indeed. What would be left to strive for if everything were known?”

Charles de Lint

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 11

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 6:02:57 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

I tell those that have angered or frustrated me that" I am displeased with your behaviour( tell them what behaviour) and am not ready to discuss it with you at this point. Think about what you did and why and I will talk to you about it no later than _____. Then I do NOT allow them to speak to me of it until I tell them we will discuss it NOW.

At that time I ask them if they have thought about the behaviour and for their thoughts .. then I listen to them, give them thoughts and feelings and dispense any correction I think is needed.

If they have the right mindset they have already punished themselves much more harshly than I do ...just knowing I am displeased.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to k8trix)

Post #: 12

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 6:27:54 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

I tell those that have angered or frustrated me that" I am displeased with your behaviour( tell them what behaviour) and am not ready to discuss it with you at this point. Think about what you did and why and I will talk to you about it no later than _____. Then I do NOT allow them to speak to me of it until I tell them we will discuss it NOW.

At that time I ask them if they have thought about the behaviour and for their thoughts .. then I listen to them, give them thoughts and feelings and dispense any correction I think is needed.

If they have the right mindset they have already punished themselves much more harshly than I do ...just knowing I am displeased.

Dearest MissHarlet,

You are so right on here. Just knowing i have displeased, and what i will do
inside my own head concerning such, becomes a catalyst of self punishment.
"The Look" from a Dominant is sufficient substance beyond correcting words.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 13

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 6:29:15 AM

Deboyce

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

MissHarlet:
I am firmly in support of your approach. First making know you are displeased and/or disappointed with the conduct behavior or other offence, (being specific) then allowing them to steep themselves in the regret and shame of disappoint you while knowing some form of punishment is forthcoming has a powerful effect on the psyche and mental emotional mind body connection.

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 14

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 7:32:29 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

It is much more powerful than anything I could say .. for this way they can only be angry with themselves not at me .. for I am not the one punishing or "yelling" .. they have to accept responsibility for their own actions.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to Deboyce)

Post #: 15

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 8:06:29 AM

LadyOpinx

Posts: 35
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Deboyce

MissHarlet:
I am firmly in support of your approach. First making know you are displeased and/or disappointed with the conduct behavior or other offence, (being specific) then allowing them to steep themselves in the regret and shame of disappoint you while knowing some form of punishment is forthcoming has a powerful effect on the psyche and mental emotional mind body connection.

I agree also---this seems like a very balanced approach.

Three questions though... (dealing mostly with newbie subs)

#1 Is there ever a possibility that it will throw the sub into too much of a panic to know that they had disappointed you without being able to talk about it?   And what do you do if they were to flood you with emails or phone calls trying to get you to change your mind and discuss it?

#2   What if the sub tries to just "fix" whatever it is they have done wrong in the meantime and then claim that because they have made ammends that you have no right to be upset for the original disobedience?

#3   What happens if the sub does not have the right attitude when you go to talk to them? If they are defensive and make excuses? Do you then punish?

Learning to Live and Living to Learn

*Bright Blessing*

Linda

Edited for typo

< Message edited by LadyOpinx -- 7/9/2007 8:07:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there...What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~~~Richard Bach, "Illusions"

(in reply to Deboyce)

Post #: 16

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 8:09:13 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Master does not get angry very much. If he was angry with me i would want to know it right away. Master would not punish me in anger. He would wait until he cooled down ask me if i know what i did wrong (i ususally do) and then deliver my punishment, I hate displeasing him so it don't happen that often only once in the 17 months we have been together that i have gotten punished.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 17

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 8:19:21 AM

diz

Posts: 1076
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline

to be honest i think i would know if i had upset someOne, if they were my Master i wold be so in tune to them that i would know.... He would also be aware of the fact that i hate being shouted at in 'red hot' anger as you put it, it makes me physically sick to know i have upset someOne so much that they have to shout at me and it scares the crap outta me... i am likely to withdraw into myself in such a situation... IF i had upset One in that way, i would expect communication in a civil and adult manner,, otherwise how would i know what was going on and how to rectify my wrong doing or correct any misunderstanding that had happened if i was bellowed at to the point of scaring me??

LMAO ignoring me.... haha i have 3 kids being ignored is peaceful and my ideal place. (joking)

emailling me?? i prefer the adult way to sit down, communicate and discuss the situation, words typed like this, in emails, text msgs etc are and can be taken out of context as they are read in the manner they are usually never meant... no fault of the sender or the reader just that emotion and sincerity are not part of type on a page or on a phone..

hope i have made a lil bit of sense here..

_____________________________

my silent tears express far more than i ever could.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 18

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 10:15:30 AM

Deboyce

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

LadyOpinox:
1- We all were new at one time; however, being new does not release one for the responsibility of honoring their commitment. When I cam to D/s things were very different but what remains the same is a submissive or slave commits to honoring and obeying rites rituals rules and regulations established by the authority figure.
New has nothing more to do with it from that point on.
There is only adherence to the agreed upon stipulations and having the courage of your convictions.

2-The sub has no right to try to “FIX” nor has he/she been authorized to fix only to mentally and emotionally identify the offence and learn how not to repeat it. And, that does not release them from what ever punishment the authority figure deems right for the offence.

3- If a humble sorrowful genuine regretful attitude is not demonstrated then the lesson (The offence) has not been identified and learned and if not addresses severly it will just repeat itself.
Remember we are creatures directed in part by reference, reference frames tell us how to respond in an almost automatic manner and reference frames are re trainable Training it the responsibility fo the authority figure and she or he often is judged by its outward performances.

(in reply to LadyOpinx)

Post #: 19

RE: Waiting out the Anger/Frustration - 7/9/2007 12:37:21 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I'd prefer being with someone who didn't get out of control with anger from the beginning. Someone who could say "I am angry with you because of whatever and we need to discuss it". And either we would discuss it immediately or I would tell him I wasn't clear enough in my own mind as of yet and needed to think about it.

(in reply to Deboyce)

Post #: 20

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