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Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 12:37:51 AM

losttreasure

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As a dominant, you are in a relationship that for all intents and purposes is going exceedingly well for you and has the potential to grow into the lifelong relationship of your dreams.

But you know that your submissive/slave is currently somewhat unhappy... you know that how you've chosen to direct the relationship is not what he or she desires right now though you firmly believe that one day it will eventually grow to be what they ultimately wish.

Would you continue on in the manner you prefer knowing that your decision causes some pain for your sub? Would you compromise what you want a bit in order to allow him or her to have some fulfillment of their desires right now? Or would you simply let go of the relationship and the potential for future happiness with this submissive?

As a submissive/slave, would you continue to sacrifice your happiness right now for what you know will be fulfilling in the future... though you don't know if it will be tomorrow, next month, or next year? Would you be comfortable knowing that your dominant compromised his or her desires in order to give you some fulfillment? Or would you simply let go, admit that your desires aren't currently compatible, and give up a potentially fulfilling future with this dominant?

Post #: 1

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 12:41:16 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
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I have come to the conclusion that it is compatibility that makes relationships work, and not work that makes people in relationships compatible.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 2

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 12:54:51 AM

jenja

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Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Yes, i would have to agree, if you aren't compatible, then there is no point.. but i have to ask, what if you find you are both more than compatible, but the "timing" is not right for one or the other? For example, what if one feels the need to explore with others, no emotional involvement, just exploring, and yet doesn't want to lose the other?

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 3

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 1:10:39 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
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This is one of those Trick Questions!
It would depend.......

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 4

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 1:19:17 AM

Trampler

Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
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compatability is a must, yes. But work is necessary in the relationship it'self, for both people to be happy. Many view D/s relationships as a partnership, working in tandam with each other for greater,(and sometimes lesser good.) and that is how I see it as well.

It all depends on what is that is causing the unhappiness, any other factors, that may or may not interfer with the relationship

_____________________________

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Our Community may be openminded as a whole, BUT it is made up of indivduals who bring in their own baggage,perceptions and agendas

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 5

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 1:37:49 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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It really does depend on what the problem is. If it's something that can be reliably foreseen as changing in the future AND all else is compatible ... then as the sub, i would work at it to make what is happening now as fulfilling as possible. i am a bit in that situation, Master and i haven't played bdsm-wise for months due to O/our move across country. He's feeling a bit "flat", lacking His usual energy and creativity ... W/we had a long talk about it a few nights ago. i miss it, He knows i miss it ... but i also don't want Him to force it if His heart isn't in it. W/we are trying to come up with a few strategies that might perk up His interest though ... and I think that My Domme side having a sub visit soon just might do the trick! Yes it requires patience, yes i hope it doesn't go on forever ... but i would NOT sacrifice my relationship with Him over it ... He is way too important to me.

However I do think it is important for the D/s lines of communication to stay open through whatever the issue is ... i would find it much easier to accept unhappiness if i understand the reason for it and the possible future outcomes that my Dom is trying to achieve.

good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 6

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 1:56:03 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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quote:

As a submissive/slave, would you continue to sacrifice your happiness right now for what you know will be fulfilling in the future... though you don't know if it will be tomorrow, next month, or next year?

Please tell me how i will know the relationship will be fulfilling at some future date. Will i use tea leaves or will i use Aunt Mable's cristal ball i found in the attic?

I can't know if the wonderful relationship i have today will be fulfilling in the future. There are no guarantees. If my relationship were rocky today then i would assume it would be no better tomorrow.

It would be wonderful if we knew what the future held for us. The 50% divorce rate would be practically 0. Of course dating would be a thing of the past. Why date if you'll instantly know when you meet the right person? There would be no reason to get to know someone.

No matter what the tea leaves say, if i'm not happy with the relationship now, i'd move on. I don't believe in tea leaves nor do i think there is only one perfect person to fulfill me.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 7

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 7:28:50 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'd have a lot of conversations with them to explain my perspective and make absolutely sure that they understood and agreed with it, and that they decided for themselves that it was what they ultimately wanted, even if the short term wasn't really great.

And then I'd expect them to go at it with gusto.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 8

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 7:38:21 AM

thetammyjo

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I would encourage my slave to tell me what is making them unhappy. If it is not related to our authority dynamic, then we can work on setting things up so he can find some better things -- like a new job or time off or a few hours a week of pure privacy.

If it is the authority dynamic itself that is making them unhappy then it's over. Someone may consent to be unhappy but I personally have no desire to help them do that.

The reality of life is that it is not happy 100% of the time. When the happy or content level is less than the unhappy or discontent level, I feel that's the time to evaluate things and move on if it cannot improve.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 9

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 7:49:49 AM

Ayanaev717

Posts: 72
Status: offline

I think you need to consider that communication is a big part of any relationship. I can be compatiable to you but if I don't communicate with you then it doesn't really matter. So if sub is unhappy about the arrangements thus far it may be for the dominants best interest to sit down and chat about it.

I wasn't quite sure what you meant by hurt. So, I am assuming you mean emotionally and mentally. One of my rules is "to do no harm." Its one thing if this is part of contract but if it is real and it has the slightest potential to damage...then the dominant needs to stop. Because what one does to someone in the mind and heart can damage someone for a long time.

Always,

A

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 10

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 8:39:14 AM

earthycouple

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Joined: 2/19/2006
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Robert and I are facing this very situation right now. He's homesick for many things and we realized he and I were not on the same plane about some things (like taking breaks from my girls when they were "over the top". He wanted to be right there for me but as a man who never had little ones two running and screaming around my two were killing him.)

So we talk and we talk a lot. He knows that I will do everything I can to make this adjustment easy for him but he as to tell me what is going on. On the Fourth of July I let him go. While it had nothing to do with the dynamic he and I share; He was miserable, it was apparent and I don't want to keep someone here who was miserable.

It was my wonderful vanilla husband who convinced him that giving this more time to relax and fall into place was the thing to do. It was after this that I created the thread in "Ask a sub/slave" about seeing the wonderful now help with the not so wonderful.

We are doing so very much better today and we have given Robert tools to deal with UM's and we have made sure that his expectations of himself matched mine. He was doing so well here...he never stopped moving he kept the place sparkling and was still at my feet each night to provide for me. (All so much more than I expected). When he shared how he felt ragged do all of this I laughed/cried and explained how he was going way beyond what I expect and I need him to feel rested, relaxed and happy here. That I had not imported a maid from Pennsylvania. So now my house doesn't sparkle every moment of every day and sometimes it's just me and the UM's fending for ourselves...but I have a slave who is much happier and fulfilled now.

If he had just left we never would have worked those things through and we'd both be more miserable today than we were on the fourth. Yes, I firmly believe "giving it a real go" is important even though one seems unhappy at first.
This is my case...maybe not yours.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Ayanaev717)

Post #: 11

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 8:57:30 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

quote:

As a submissive/slave, would you continue to sacrifice your happiness right now for what you know will be fulfilling in the future... though you don't know if it will be tomorrow, next month, or next year? Would you be comfortable knowing that your dominant compromised his or her desires in order to give you some fulfillment? Or would you simply let go, admit that your desires aren't currently compatible, and give up a potentially fulfilling future with this dominant?

Greetings losttreasure

I have a hard time with the word sacrifice. I don't sacrafice anything for Master or for our relationship. I do however, compromise. I am not always happy about the compromise that I am required to make, but it does not cause me 'unhappiness' in the way that I believe you are referring to.

As to whether or not I am happy knowing that Master may compromise his own wishes for the sake of mine; we are in a relationship, it takes both of us to make this relationship work effeciently. It takes both of us compromising on some things. No one can ever have ALL and EVERYTHING that they want; they have to give up something along the way. Quiet honestly, I would not be with Master today if he was not willing to look at the bigger picture ( meaning compromise ). I give up something; he get's something; he gives up something, I get something. Sometimes it's not an equal giving on either side; but it is what keeps a relationship going in the right direction.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 12

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 9:39:04 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I'm not tracking, if he needs to be poly and I'm adamant about not being in such a relationship then we aren't compatible no matter how much he thinks we are in other ways.

As far as making me more and more unhappy while believing that some day in the future I would thank him for it, that's a good way to find himself alone.

If he firmly believed that something that was difficult for me was something I needed, then he would talk to me about it, explain his thinking and allow me to respond. He doesn't know it all and has never mastered mind reading 101. We use conversation, communication and do not adhere to time limits to get around these things.

(in reply to jauntyone)

Post #: 13

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 9:47:41 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

It would depend on what direction he has the relatonship going that makes me unhappy, depends on his take on it, depends on what one of the many discussion on it told us.

I went through this. I trusted him to know what he was doing, I worked through my unhappiness, it was short lived. I'm now his wife..a relationship, I -never- thought I would of wanted in the beginning. So it really- depends-.

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

As a dominant, you are in a relationship that for all intents and purposes is going exceedingly well for you and has the potential to grow into the lifelong relationship of your dreams.

But you know that your submissive/slave is currently somewhat unhappy... you know that how you've chosen to direct the relationship is not what he or she desires right now though you firmly believe that one day it will eventually grow to be what they ultimately wish.

Would you continue on in the manner you prefer knowing that your decision causes some pain for your sub? Would you compromise what you want a bit in order to allow him or her to have some fulfillment of their desires right now? Or would you simply let go of the relationship and the potential for future happiness with this submissive?

As a submissive/slave, would you continue to sacrifice your happiness right now for what you know will be fulfilling in the future... though you don't know if it will be tomorrow, next month, or next year? Would you be comfortable knowing that your dominant compromised his or her desires in order to give you some fulfillment? Or would you simply let go, admit that your desires aren't currently compatible, and give up a potentially fulfilling future with this dominant?

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 14

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 9:50:09 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I'm now his wife..

How did I miss this?
Congrats to you and my best wishes for much love and happiness! Please send my congrats to your Master as well.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

Post #: 15

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 10:31:11 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

I have come to the conclusion that it is compatibility that makes relationships work, and not work that makes people in relationships compatible.

I don't disagree, but I'm not sure I understand how this relates to my question?

quote:

ORIGINAL: jenja

...what if you find you are both more than compatible, but the "timing" is not right for one or the other?

A fair point... there is more to being compatible than just enjoying the same things and having the same ultimate goal. Otherwise compatible people can simply be at different stages in their life.

Would you be willing to put your journey on hold while he catches up?

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

This is one of those Trick Questions!

lol... No, it's not, but it is designed to get you thinking.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Trampler

It all depends on what is that is causing the unhappiness, any other factors, that may or may not interfer with the relationship

I will concede that specific circumstances would definitely have an impact.

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Please tell me how i will know the relationship will be fulfilling at some future date. Will i use tea leaves or will i use Aunt Mable's cristal ball i found in the attic?

My bad... I should have chosen to say "have every reason to believe" rather than "know". I was simply trying to get across the idea that future happiness within the relationship was reasonably assured. Of course, nothing is ever guaranteed when it comes to relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And then I'd expect them to go at it with gusto.

I'm not sure I understand this part... did you mean as in embrace the unpleasant short-term, or feverently work toward the long-term while silently tolerating the short-term?

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

The reality of life is that it is not happy 100% of the time. When the happy or content level is less than the unhappy or discontent level, I feel that's the time to evaluate things and move on if it cannot improve.

Oh, I agree that no one can ever be completely happy all of the time. But the question was more along the lines of what you would do or not do if you knew that your choice to exercise your right to conduct the relationship in the manner that you want, caused your submissive or slave ongoing distress, albeit for a temporary amount of time.

Say for example you signed a large book deal that would mean huge success for your writing career. The deal requires that you complete the book in just six months then spend another six months on a world tour of promotions followed by book signings. Both you and your slave want you to have this success as it will give you financial freedom and the ability to spend more time together in the future.

However, you also know that in order to meet the writing deadline you will need to devote yourself to it completely. You want to give promoting the book your full and undivided attention, your schedule is going to be hectic, and you know the tour afterward is going to take a lot out of you.

You decide to send your slave home for a year telling him that he will most likely not hear from you on a regular basis though you will try to keep in touch, but no promises. You feel that this arrangement would be best for you, allow you to reach your goal, and it is what you want.

lol... Well, you get the idea within the context of my original question.

_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 16

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 10:34:29 AM

SlND3R3LLA

Posts: 118
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

I think that is only something you can answer yourself. What I mean is, only you can know how important to you the thing that isn't happening is..not us. The future is a great thing to think about, but nothing is promised to us..not another year, not even another day. This life, to me, is about enjoying the present with all of your heart. There are many things it is smart to think about for the future, savings plans, investments..etc..but other things, like just being happy and fulfilled with your relationships...the present is just as important. Promises for the future are pretty empty..how does one know how they will feel about something months, or even years down the road? You could feel better about it, or you could be even more against it. That's not much to be able to hold onto.

~sin, His fulfilled slave

_____________________________

And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. ~F

To hell with diamonds, lube is a girls best friend ;)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 17

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 10:38:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
I'm not sure I understand this part... did you mean as in embrace the unpleasant short-term, or feverently work toward the long-term while silently tolerating the short-term?

Silently tolerating anything isn't cool in my relationships unless you're talking about a specific scene.

I mean that once we've seriously sat down and gone through everything, one they've agreed this IS the path they want to follow- I expect their actions to align with that decision fully.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 18

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 10:40:38 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I'm now his wife..

How did I miss this?
Congrats to you and my best wishes for much love and happiness! Please send my congrats to your Master as well.

Thank you, it just happened recently. The ink is barely dry on the certificate. It was quite sudden but had been in his plans for a number of years.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 19

RE: Consideration of Fulfillment... - 7/9/2007 11:04:18 AM

charismagirrl

Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

In answer to the OP my Daddy did stay on the track of things that he wished for us and for me. i was confused and in pain and questioning etc. But i was ALSO exceedingly happy in other areas.

His way of guiding me, training me etc. hasn't been easy for me especially with everything i had read prior to meeting him and becoming his slave.

Eventually the lights went on (sometimes they would slowly come on a bit, like a dimmer switch and then sometimes I'd be left right back in darkness when i got confused about something again )

my Daddy remained true to what he wanted and didn't change because i felt i needed something different than what he was giving me. There were things i just didn't understand yet.

i stayed even though i was confused and sometimes the confusion caused me pain but i love my Daddy and want to become what he wishes and so i held on through it.

~cherry

Edited to add: i wrote an essay about some of this stuff on my site one of them is www.mycollarspace.com/laidback.htm

< Message edited by charismagirrl -- 7/9/2007 11:07:06 AM >

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 20

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