BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (Full Version)

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hopeorfear -> BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:16:56 AM)

Hi,
I'm new here and seeking advice... when I discovered this site I was enthralled, so many people open to such different views on sexuality I though maybe I could find some advice here about my incredibly confusing sexuality. It's not BDSM specificly that I'm addressing but elements of it enter the discussion.
I'm a 20yr old female student who is basically confused about her sexuality in general.
My Issues(in which I'll go into more detail later):-
1) What is my orientation? What do I do about my best friend/ex-girlfriend?
2) Is my seeming obsession with gay(male) relationships and BDSM related fantasies normal/socially acceptable and what should I do about it?
3) Why when I am seemingly interested in men do I think penises are hideous!

1)
a) I come from a very sexually liberated (and stable) family (my mother, a physiotherapist works in womens health) but I'm also very sexually inexperienced (a virgin). They are happy for me to be having sex/boyfriends even suggest I go out and get plenty of (safe)sexual experiences before I seriously consider anyone for a life long parter (they don't talk of marriage even though they are married)
b) I have managed to date 2 men who later turned gay and my last boyfriend(10months ago I broke up with him) was a confusing experience for me. I was attracted to him from afar but the minute he got close to me sexually I'd become repulsed(or even bored) and would wait till it was acceptable to pull away (and then do so). I was at no point aroused with him touching me. We went of a cruise of the harbor and it included free alcohol, I got drunk that night and made a deal with myself, if I wanted sex it would happen that night when my inhibitions were down (we would rent a room in the city)and if not and we went home separately, we would break up...we went home. He told me he loved me (a week later) and at that point I broke up with him. He is straight still thank god!
c)My most 'real' relationship was with my best friend Danielle, we were companions for each other which bordered on sexual for many years before I moved away. The other day she messaged me with three messages of her eternal love and sent me two roses in the last month. I started the sexual contact between us years ago but now I'm not sure we could ever make it together/if my feeling mimic hers or if I am merely attributing my desire to be close to her as sexual feelings.

2)Before I discovered BDSM I was into 'slash' (online fiction most written by women about gay relationships of either known or original characters) I also write a lot but every sex scene I'd write would be about man/man and never woman/man. I can't say why except that I liked the sense of social unacceptability that the couple faced. Later I read Anne Rice's 'Beauty' series and 'The Story of O' which were the first things that actually physically aroused me (but i didn't know how to masturbate then. But I continued to read slash stories but preferred the ones with a BDSM theme. When I started university I went to a workshop with a girl I lived with (whom I had a sort of crush on) on BDSM. That was when i first started online chatting and reading online erotica. What seems to interest me most is orgasm denial, chastity, S&M and mild humiliation. I seem to vary somewhat but mostly I like the dominant role. This is online only though, the workshop is the only real life experience I have (eg. getting whipped till i was bruised quite a bit). But my fantasies of a BDSM nature are the only ones who give me an orgasm and strangely are mostly with a male dominant and female submissive (I'm not even there, it's more like movie I watch).

3)This is pretty self explanatory, when I think of sexy people I get a list of fifty male actors/musicians and only maybe 5 female ones. But physically the men in my life to very little to catch my attention and arouse me, women are much more attractive! Plus as I said above, penises are really unattractive.

I guess I already know what you are going to say to me, "give it time, mature a bit and experiment a bit, you'll work it out". It's what my parents say when I talk to them. I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you all the whole picture. I hope you choose to answer this because I am seriously getting frustrated.



Rover -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:21:56 AM)

Personally, I think you should be discussing this with a professional therapist rather than a bunch of us idiots who will give you advice as if we have thirty years of clinical experience dealing with precisely these issues.  You're as likely to get "good" advice here as you are by opening the phone book and choosing numbers randomly.
 
John



instynctive -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:29:25 AM)

Sometimes a rose is just a rose.. try not to over-analyze things.. go out and whatever strikes your fancy, give it a shot... at least then you'll know..

If you do seek "professional" therapy on all this, make DAMN sure they are queer and kink friendly, otherwise you'll get committed for being a freak... too many close-minded folks out there regard "out of the norm" sexuality and fetishes "unnatural" and will condemn you for that.

Best of luck.



CBTMistress -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:30:15 AM)

I agree with John.  Your issue isn't one single, uncomplicated issue.  It's one with too many facets for this type of venue.  You need one solid, experienced opinion, not dozens of them, and inexperienced ones at that. 

And yes, make sure they are kink friendly, they still have sadism and masochism listed as mental illnesses.




hopeorfear -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:36:04 AM)

lol, maybe you're right but I've read a lot of the stuff on these forums before I posted on here and yes, I've booked a councilors appointment at my college, but I like what a lot of people have to say here. They offer advice that is often from a very different stand point to the mainstream view as well as having had experience in situations that i think would give them insight into things I may not be able to find elsewhere. Believe me I will be taking any advice i receive here with a grain of salt just like I would do in real life. 



Rover -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:39:14 AM)

The NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) looks after the KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) list.  You can access it at:
 
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.htm
 
Best of luck to you.
 
John



lateralist1 -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 6:44:36 AM)

Very interesting post.
I can understand you not being attracted to any of the men you meet because in literature and films etc men are so much better than the ones we meet in real life.
I would suggest that you might be a dominant lesbian.
One of your kinks maybe that you would enjoy dominating men to perform gay sex for your enjoyment.
Sounds perfectly ok to me lol.
It doesn't matter how different your kinks you have a right to enjoy them if you can get people to help.
I don't think it would be difficult to find men who would help you.
If I was you I would have a sexual relationship with your friend. I'm pretty sure that she will let you dominate her. As long as you are honest that you are not sure about how you feel about her. If you want any help with the sex then write to me privately.
I always feel that it helps for our frst sexual experience to be dominant then you chose how far and how fast you want to go.
As for being mixed up then you certainly don't have the monopoly on that.
The lifestyle can help you sort out what you need if you are willing to pursue it with a sensible attitude.
The only way to find out if our fantasies are real is to pursue them.
Your parents sound like very astute sensible people to me.
What they might have missed is that you might be a lesbian.
But I suggest you find out first before you tell them. It might upset them with no real need.
Hope you have a wonderful time whatever you decide to do next.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 7:32:59 AM)

FR

Give yourself more time.  I understand it's confusing, but there's no need to need answers to these questions right now.  Time and experience will show you what you need if you open yourself to it and stay keen.

As for the attraction to men, there may be some layers of masculine energy you are attracted to and find lacking in other relationships, and you haven't quite learned how to sort out those layers of energy from "the whole ball of wax."  As well, you might need to be with women who have a more blended mix of masculine and feminine energy.



LotusSong -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 8:39:43 AM)

You have way more issues than a simple message board can help you with.



chellekitty -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 1:28:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear


1) What is my orientation? What do I do about my best friend/ex-girlfriend?
2) Is my seeming obsession with gay(male) relationships and BDSM related fantasies normal/socially acceptable and what should I do about it?
3) Why when I am seemingly interested in men do I think penises are hideous!



first off i am not attempting to answer any of your questions, i just want you to know my experience with asking myself those exact questions...so basically...you are not alone...i don't automatically say you need to be talking to a therapist unless they are negatively impacting your life...in anyway...and very likely they are not the only issues you're dealing with, as they were not for me...a little note in response to your experience...my mom is very sexually liberated...infact she talked to me very early about masturbation, handed me a book or two...it didn't answer the questions i had...because i am a bi poly masochist...shrugs...

ok

1) I figured out i was bisexual when i was 11...i asked my mom about it...she told me it was a phase and 13 years later i am still bi...i have gone thru i-will-never-date-a-man-again and i-will-never-date-a-woman-again and i-will-just-be-celibate and i-will-just-have-fuck-buddies and i-can-go-on-forever-with-this stages...when it comes down to it, i am sexually attracted to men and women of all shapes and sizes...it doesn't matter how hard i try to change my sexual orientation, it sticks...as for the Dom/sub thing, the jury is still out...as long as i explain myself to potential partners, its all good...

2) i think they are hot...does it matter why?

3) penises are ugly...never met a pretty one...doesn't mean i don't enjoy what they can do for me in a purely physical sense or what that piece of flesh they are attached to, i mean men, can do for me in a physical and emotional sense..

so yea, you're not alone..
good luck
chelle



Elorin -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 1:56:24 PM)

My personal opinions:

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear
1) What is my orientation? What do I do about my best friend/ex-girlfriend?

Your orientation is, in my opinion, who you are attracted to and who you want to have sex with. You may find both women and men sexually attractive, but only want to have sex with women, or any other combination. If you find both men and women attractive, and can fantasize and masturbate to both fantasies about men and women, high likelihood is that you are bisexual.
Your best friend ex-girlfriend? My advice is honesty. Tell her that you are still a virgin, still confused about sexuality, and tell her what you feel about her. If what you feel about her is that you don't want to confuse your relationship with sex, great. If what you feel about her is that you think she's hot but you are confused, say so. There is no way to guarantee that your future relationship will be successful or stay the way it has been in the past. She has crossed a line which often changes EVERYTHING once it's brought up. But honesty will leave you feeling better about yourself than trying to make her feel good, or trying to keep your longstanding relationship the same as it's been.
quote:

2) Is my seeming obsession with gay(male) relationships and BDSM related fantasies normal/socially acceptable and what should I do about it?

I find gay male relationships hot, sexy, and a fabulous turn on. One of my good friends feels the same. BDSM is my passion and is a central part of my life. Are they "normal"? Erm. Define normal. Most likely, they aren't normal. The majority of the population doesn't share them. Do they happen to lots of other people? YES YES YES. What should you do? Keep reading slash porn, keep jerking off to fantasies about gay male relationships, keep looking for what makes you happy. Learn to be discreet about your fantasies because modern American society doesn't handle alternative sexuality very well.
quote:

3) Why when I am seemingly interested in men do I think penises are hideous!

Lots of people think penises are ugly but love how they feel!! I know lots of straight women who prefer to look at female bodies than male bodies because the female body is more aesthetically pleasing to their eye.

I also wanted to say as a 30 year old with multiple male lovers and a couple of female lovers, I often found myself bored and not turned on during sex or foreplay when I was with lovers who I was attracted to. That was an aspect of the men not knowing what I liked, and me not knowing what I liked, or later on me not communicating what I liked to the lovers. I'm much better at it now, and much more comfortable telling my lovers what I like and don't like. I'm MUCH more likely to be turned on during petting and foreplay, and sex is way better now. One way to change this is to find someone with more sexual experience than you as a lover.

Good luck, feel free to write if you'd ever like.

~E



saturnpie -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 1:57:34 PM)

Alright, I don't know about the other things, but the second thing you listed, about being attracted to gay man, I have some input for.

While I wouldn't say its "normal", seeing as normal has a strange definition anyway, I know its common. I know plenty of girls, gay, straight, lesbian, that just go crazy over m/m stuff. One I know only watched male pornos.

Me personally, I prefer a little more f/f stuff, but I thought I would just let you know you're not alone on that topic :) Sorry I don't have much else to offer other than that.



SaintElecktra -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/9/2007 2:40:41 PM)

Once again, only on another forum, I have to say kudos to John.  You are a very informed man.  I appreciated the link.

You sound like a very intellegent young lady, and while I agree that you do seem to have some issues that I can't see being helped very well here.  I also tend to agree with lateralist1.  You may be a lesbian dom who is a voyeur in that you want to dominate men to perform for you.  Believe me, there is nothing wrong with that.  (Well, some might think so, but I am all for it.)
Saint
_________________________________________________________
"Illegitimus Non Carborundum."  Gen. Stillwell



hopeorfear -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/10/2007 12:22:52 AM)

First off thank you all who have commented so far! It's all very complex and a little self-defeating but i think at least i found a bit of understanding here(expecially about the gay male thing, made me smile). I once posted  a comment about my interests in BDSM on a college sexuality forum and all I got back was.. WTF??? from everyone, here the acceptance of variety is so refreshing.

As for me, I'm not sure if I'm a lesbian but at the moment it does seem to be the most comfortable route to follow. What do you think I should do about my BDSM interests? Find a mentor or just experiment?



Owned1 -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/10/2007 7:47:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear

First off thank you all who have commented so far! It's all very complex and a little self-defeating but i think at least i found a bit of understanding here(expecially about the gay male thing, made me smile). I once posted  a comment about my interests in BDSM on a college sexuality forum and all I got back was.. WTF??? from everyone, here the acceptance of variety is so refreshing.

As for me, I'm not sure if I'm a lesbian but at the moment it does seem to be the most comfortable route to follow. What do you think I should do about my BDSM interests? Find a mentor or just experiment?



I suggest educate yourself, read as much as you can.  There are a ton of great books on BDSM that can be found at any major book store or online.  This may also help you in defining who you are as a plus.

Whether you have a mentor or experiment that would be up to the type of person you are either way make sure you are with someone sane and there for you not simply for themselves.  Dont get caught up in the online world of BDSM where there are many players who have no idea whatsoever what they are doing.

All the best and feel free to contact me anytime.

Owned



CitizenCane -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/10/2007 8:23:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1


I can understand you not being attracted to any of the men you meet because in literature and films etc men are so much better than the ones we meet in real life.




That's just evidence that we haven't met.





CuriousLord -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/10/2007 10:01:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear

I'm a 20yr old female student who is basically confused about her sexuality in general.


I'm a 21-year old, male student. So, hopefully, this'll connect a bit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear

1) What is my orientation? What do I do about my best friend/ex-girlfriend?


A lot of girls today are bisexual. A lot. The majority of girls our age I know are. Exactly what this means, other than that they're attracted to both males and females, depends on the girl, and often the situation.

Oddly enough, I'm finding more straight girls in our age range in BDSM groups than in vanilla ones. Yes, I'm confused about that, too. Maybe girls have a kink quota to fill? :P

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear
2) Is my seeming obsession with gay(male) relationships and BDSM related fantasies normal/socially acceptable and what should I do about it?


Search me. Again, a lot of girls are. A lot of guys are obsessed with lesbians. I suppose it's just attractive on several levels.

Do about it? Meh. Just control yourself and don't get into trouble over it. If you somehow talk your gay friend into a wild night of hot, passionate sex- sure, why not? On the other hand, if he's not up for it, leave it be, and get some guy to tell you he's gay when you're in bed. (Or a bisexual guy to do something with another guy, then you, if that's your kink. I'd strongly advise being STD aware in such things.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear
3) Why when I am seemingly interested in men do I think penises are hideous!


Sex drives us. Trust me, I can't stand to look at a vagina for very long. Sexual organs aren't the most beautiful of sights, despite what sex-obsessed people might say. I'd just try to ignore the fact of what they look like. (And, trust me, as a girl, you get it easy. Any idea what a vagina looks like- smells like- to a guy? Yeah.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear
1)
a) I come from a very sexually liberated (and stable) family (my mother, a physiotherapist works in womens health) but I'm also very sexually inexperienced (a virgin). They are happy for me to be having sex/boyfriends even suggest I go out and get plenty of (safe)sexual experiences before I seriously consider anyone for a life long parter (they don't talk of marriage even though they are married)


That's great. I was a virgin until eighteen, holding a religiously-based vow to do so. (Even though I stopped being religious at about thirteen. Vows are pretty sacred to me, even if there is no God. Talk about a hell puberty with no sex.)

I hope to be a parent like that when I have kids. To give them the information, time to think it out, and encourage them to do so with a level head. If they want to have sex early on, or be a virgin 'til 30, whatever floats their boat. (I'm just hoping parential hormones don't influence me into being more controlling.)



(I'll try to go through the rest later. Hope this helps. I'm just out of time.)



hideandseek -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/15/2007 11:23:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeorfear

3) Why when I am seemingly interested in men do I think penises are hideous!

2)Before I discovered BDSM I was into 'slash'



I totally agree with you.  Penises are ugly, but there's nothing like the feeling of one inside you.  I also love slash, although I've never written it.  I love femslash, which was part of what made me realize I was bisexual.



BitaTruble -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/16/2007 12:02:32 AM)

~FR~

Just want to add my voice that you're not alone in your confusion or your desires. Lots of us have been confused in our time for various reasons. It's not, necessarily something for which you need to seek therapy, but by all means, don't throw the option to do so out the window if you think it will help.

I'm attracted to power in men and I'm sexually attracted to women much more so than men but find male on male to be very hot. I'm not all that interested in female on female as something to view though as one of the participants, it's all good. ::laughs:: You really don't have to limit yourself. You're young and while it is certainly not an obligation, you can experiment all you wish though I strongly recommend using safe sex practices regardless of the gender of your partner.

For right now, I wouldn't worry about your orientation. It really doesn't mean anything other than as a lable to start a conversation and if you just keep in mind that you're attracted to 'people' and not what may lie between their legs, you'll figure things out in the end. If you think cocks are icky, don't deal with them right now! [;)] No harm, no foul. You may change your mind later, you may not.. no biggie.

As for your friend .. that's easy. Just talk to her. Be honest, let her know you're still confused and don't worry about making any life long choices right now. If it's meant to be, it will be so, you know, just be smooth and take it easy.

Welcome to the boards.. and don't sweat it too much because it could all change tomorrow anyway.

Celeste



MissSCD -> RE: BDSM, Bisexuality and Boredom...advice please!!! (7/16/2007 7:05:16 AM)

No one can tell you what you are.  You will have to determine that for youself.  You are very young.  You will go through many changes in your life. 
I would really think about some threapy. 

Regards, MissSCD



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