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Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 5:45:11 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
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My wife and I have been married 25 years. I have always been the DOM. I am looking to expand my role to a switch. How can I approach my sub wife with this request without her thinking I am gay or bi-sexueal. Although it probably would not matter to her. I would like to expand our experiences without looking like a sissy. Neither one of us is homo phobe or anything like that, but just looking to spice up our BDSM lifestyle. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Thanks...Ed

Post #: 1

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 5:51:05 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

how would this cause one to question their orientation

???

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MstrssPassion

(in reply to luck12br)

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RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 5:52:18 PM

Trampler

Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
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Hon, your going to have to explain more.

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I want to step ALL over you!

Our Community may be openminded as a whole, BUT it is made up of indivduals who bring in their own baggage,perceptions and agendas

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 3

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 5:57:05 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

If you're thinking of expanding your roles within your own relationship, then perhaps you could start by ordering her to carry out certain activities on you, and then get some feedback on how it felt to her, topping you. If you're wanting her to be more Dominant, it may never really happen, but most submissives are capable of Topping. If you're thinking of expanding outside your marriage, then that's a whole other issue...

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to Trampler)

Post #: 4

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:07:06 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Why do you assume that a submissive male has to be gay or bisexual. i am as much of a man as anyone yet just prefer to be submissive as against Dominant. In many ways it takes courage to do this, as a submissive male is flying in the face of what is considered normal. If you want to try the submissive role now and then explain that to your wife. If you mean you wish to try cross dressing, which i assume from you using the word sissy, then ask how she feels. You have already said it probably would not matter to her if you are gay or bi.

The hardest thing about wanting any of this is to admit it to yourself. If you cant do that then you will never be relaxed enough to admit it to someone else.

Sexuality is what it is. i hope it works out for you.

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 5

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:08:40 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
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Thank you for your response. I do not think it is only a question of my orientation but rather the perception my wife has to the change in my sexual wants and needs.

We have discussed this so I am not in a vacuum, she has no problems with me being in a bi sexual relationship, as she is in a few herself.

I just find it difficult expressing my needs and wants with my long term sub.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 6

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:12:20 PM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

My first suggestion is I think you should bendover for her. Maybe even put a W on each butt cheek so, when
you do bendover it's says WOW!

Diane

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 7

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:13:59 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It is hard to discuss sexual issues without a broader context of communication and trust. It's a skill, like everything else. It sounds as though you have a good marriage, but may need a bit of practice in the communication area, so you can get some of the deeper stuff out in a safe way. My husband and I have found it very helpful to work with a few good relationship books, as part of improving our communication in the BDSM area. It's a wholistic approach that has worked for us. By working through some of the exercises in the books, we have learned to communicate as never before, and it has been an enriching experience in all areas of our marriage, including the bedroom . Something to think about?

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 8

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:15:43 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

My wife is a "hard core" sub and I am not sure she can fulfill my needs as a switch. She gets a bit jealous when I have a Domme over to play. Not sure that is enough info for your advice but none the less I do appreciate your quick and candid response. It is a bit complicated but we like to make sure we, as a couple, communicate what we want form each other and what our "limits" outside of our marriage should be. I was just looking for advice from other couple/domme's.

Thanks again Ed

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 9

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:18:22 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: luck12br

My wife and I have been married 25 years. I have always been the DOM. I am looking to expand my role to a switch. How can I approach my sub wife with this request without her thinking I am gay or bi-sexueal. Although it probably would not matter to her. I would like to expand our experiences without looking like a sissy. Neither one of us is homo phobe or anything like that, but just looking to spice up our BDSM lifestyle. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Thanks...Ed

How would your being a switch affect your sexual orientation?
Why would your sub wife think you were gay or bi-sexual?
How would you look like a sissy? Are you planning on cross dressing?

Or are you both the type that believe ALL "macho men" are Doms and all sub males are gay/bisexual "sissys"? Because if that is what you truly believe, than you have a lot to learn

~Lashra owner of a macho sub male

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 10

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:18:55 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I think you are lumping to many different things into one tidy neat package.

malesub doesn't equal bi/gay/sissy

if you are seeking a sexual relationship with a same sex partner (even if just for play, not replace your wife) then guess what... that makes you bisexual... if this disturbs you, think before you act, if it disturbs your wife, think before you act... if you are trying to get someone to tell you what you can call this other than bisexual... you're SOL

For you to redifine your role from dom to sub... doesn't mean you HAVE to change your orientation (unless you are seeking some same sex experimentation)

Whatever you do.. you need to discuss this with your wife because your choices will effect her.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 7/10/2007 6:20:05 PM >

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MstrssPassion

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 11

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:20:43 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for your reply,

We have already expanded our relationships outside of our marriage and are both supportive of each other in that. Your advise is well received. I have shared her with other DOM's however she is a bit wary of sharing me with other subs or fem Dommes. Probably an insecurity on her part that I think we will have to work together on that issue to overcome the insecurities.

Thanks again.

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 12

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:24:24 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

Yeah for you....and I have bent over a time or two and enjoyed it.

Thanks for that good advice....

(in reply to DianeB269)

Post #: 13

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:29:48 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

Thanks so much ,do you have any recommendations for any good books??....we just got finished with Screw the roses, send me the thorns, and just ordered SM 101.

She probably communicates better than me so I need all the help I can get....

Thanks again

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 14

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:36:56 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

Very good advice thank you.

I really do not have an interest in other men, as much as I enjoy being the bottom with a Domme. Since we are relatively new to the BDSM lifestype I am just seeking advice from those with more experience than me.

Thank you very much for sharing your advice with me.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 15

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:37:26 PM

curvyslavegirl

Posts: 134
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

These questions actually comes up often in therapy. NO ONE decides your sexual orientation but you. Having sex with another man does not make you bisexual & wanting your wife to tie you up doesnt necessarily make you a switch or sub, unless you decide those are the identities that you wish to embrace. If your interest is in switching with her, and she's a hardcore sub, sometimes reframing the activity can help. Rather than asking her to take control, you can present it as something she is doing for her Master. This tends to go over better with service oriented subs, although even then some of them dislike it. The same can be true of opening up a relationship. If you have not played with other women before and have been married as long as you have, its perfectly normal for her to have concerns or worry. Questions might be coming up for her like "Am I enough for him?" or "Does he love me?"

You're going to need to communicate with her openly, be patient & allow for her to have her natural reactions in a loving and supportive way.

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 16

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 6:46:17 PM

luck12br

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

Very good advice thanks so much......mental health is very important and we want to make sure we are both comfortable with our relatively new lifestyle.....communication is the key for sure.

(in reply to curvyslavegirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 7:25:14 PM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

If you're interested in dominating women and submitting to women, then you're still quite heterosexual. The het men I've known who like to bottom and submit seem to like women and their bodies a great deal. Are you interested in dominating women but submitting to men? It's not unusual to be attracted to one role with one gender and another role with another, but, yeah, you probably would want to think about identifying as bi in that case.

Since your subsequent posts indicate that you're nonmonogamous, that's a natural option. Yes, it has problems--jealousy, awkwardness, TIME, number of bedrooms--but you may find that the good outweighs the bad. You and your wife get to negotiate what limits would be right for you both.

As for communicating what you want--either to your wife, or to other partners and playmates--take some time before the discussion and consider what you want precisely. Many men are visually oriented, so it might help to develop mental images of what you want. Then, you can describe those images in later conversations. Try to think not only about how you want to feel, but what you want to *do*.

As you think about that, consider whether you're focused on activities (getting anally penetrated, getting tied up, getting spanked) or focused on ideas like obedience, service, and inferior status. If you're more interested in the former activities, congratulations, you like to *bottom*, not really *submit*. You might even be a dominant bottom or dominant masochist--a number of people who are primarily dominant and like to bottom occasionally seem to fit this mold, which means that you typically like to receive sensation, but you like to receive the precise kinds of sensation that you want, often directing the scene as it happens. You might find success in commanding your wife to tie you up and beat you in exactly the way you want to be beaten--she would then take on the role of a service top, or submissive sadist. If you're more interested in the latter activities, then you have some submissive desires, which is perfectly fine, too, but if your wife isn't a very convincing or engaged dominant, you may need to look elsewhere to fulfill those desires.

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 18

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 7:28:52 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: luck12br

Thanks so much ,do you have any recommendations for any good books??....we just got finished with Screw the roses, send me the thorns, and just ordered SM 101.

She probably communicates better than me so I need all the help I can get....

Thanks again

We had some major issues with insecurities, as you say you also have (or rather, she does). We started with a book called "Open Marriage." It's an old one, but it's still available second hand. We both read and discusssed it, and it was amazing what came out for both of us - things we didn't know were part of our belief systems that needed re examining. We also read a very good book called "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work." Like most men, my husband wasn't a good communicator - but like a lot of women, I didn't realize why or what I could do to help him. In fact, some of the things I was doing were making it worse! Most women are truly grateful when their mate shows signs of wanting to improve communications, so hopefully she'll be cooperative and impressed if you suggest this approach!

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to luck12br)

Post #: 19

RE: Mistress please advise this Dom - 7/10/2007 7:44:48 PM

rhythmboi

Posts: 46
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Why do you assume that a submissive male has to be gay or bisexual. i am as much of a man as anyone yet just prefer to be submissive as against Dominant. In many ways it takes courage to do this, as a submissive male is flying in the face of what is considered normal.

I agree with your point, but did you really mean to imply that gay or bi men are not "as much of a man as anyone"?

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 20

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