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What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:01:52 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I rarely post a new question here.  However in one of our discussion groups this was asked the other day.  I'm not sure how to answer it.
Maybe someone here can give me insight.
 
Say you had a dominant or a submissive in 1987.  For whatever reason you broke up in 1989.  Now this is 20 year's ago.  Haven't been actively involved in the scene since 1989.  When someone asks you how long you've been into BDSM, what do you say?
Do you say...2 years I had a partner?
Or do you say I've been in the scene for 20 years?
 
If you say 20 years.  Do you explain you have not been active in any way for 20 years?
I own an adult toy store...new toys come out daily.  New ideas do.  New people, new everything does.  If you haven't been involved in 20 years what do you really know about what is going on today?
Does interest with no activity count as time in?
 
Curious to what others think.
 
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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:15:43 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		For me, the answer would be, "Two years, twenty years ago. I'm interested in getting back into it."

Master Fire


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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:17:42 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I know a dominant who claims 29 years of experience. He dabbled in S&M when he was 18 in the service. Then he was married totally vanilla for 27 years. Now he has been back into it for about a year. I think it is a gross misrepresentation.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:18:09 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I have had an interest since I was around 12, and activly invovled off and on since I turned 18. When someone asks how long I have been in M/s or bdsm I tell them, 'off and on since I was 18.' Its short, to the point and true. You don't have to explain anything unless you know the person well or feel you should, but a short answer that is polite works well.
 
Welcoem back.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:21:31 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Say you had a dominant or a submissive in 1987.  For whatever reason you broke up in 1989.  Now this is 20 year's ago.  Haven't been actively involved in the scene since 1989.  When someone asks you how long you've been into BDSM, what do you say?
Do you say...2 years I had a partner?
Or do you say I've been in the scene for 20 years?

I say "I was involved a long time ago in a relationship, then broke off for a few decades and am coming back" 

It's actually a fairly common scenario.

quote:


Does interest with no activity count as time in?

It counts as interest, not experience.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_621938/mpage_1/key_experience/tm.htm#622182
the definition of experience

http://www.collarchat.com/m_378312/mpage_1/key_experience/tm.htm#378327
experience vs theory

http://www.collarchat.com/m_850012/mpage_1/key_experienced/tm.htm#850034
when is a newbie no longer a newbie


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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:24:07 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would say I had a D/S relationship that lasted a year when people asked my experience.

Or if asked for years of experience, my usual answer is "I dont know. I dont keep count."

This is one of the games that I dont play. Its often a gross misinterruptation of what the person actually knows.

What the people say and do and not how many years they have been saying it is the best judgement. Many people tell me I give better advice and have a more realistic perspective of a M/S relationship then some of the self important "Ten year olds".

Generally, the people who get all high and mighty regarding their "years of experience" are playing a dick measuring game.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:25:11 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Well I have engaged in BDSM since I was two years younger than the current smoking age.  I am now just under 50, making it 30+ years.  LOL but DANG, that offends even me!  I can't say that every day, every moment, every relationship, ect had daily bdsm play.  I can't say that I was submissive (or topped) to any man with whom I was involved.  I do not have 30 yrs of experience in bdsm on an "active" scale. 
I have indulged in bsdm on and off for 30 yrs, more off than on, because I am not always involved with someone.  Heck, I was even celibate for 12 of those years so that is OFF time in the major sense.  Basically I tell people I did this young, did it on and off through my life and know a bit of stuff.  If people really need a tally sheet, they aren't going to get it.  I get the feeling it would make more than a few people nervous, and some would develop a view of me I don't need them to have.
It has been over a year since I submitted to a man.  Since then, anal hooks have become popular.  This is something I have not tried, but I know about them.  I know the idea, the potential, ect, because anal play is familar to me.  I don't have experience with the anal hook, but that doesn't mean I don't have a clue about its purpose.
It is kind of silly to say that you have to have done everything (or many new things) to be informed.  We are all composites of information gathered, whether it be from our own experience, or from other sources.  It doesn't take much of a leap to know how something works if you have had any similar experiences in the past.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/12/2007 9:56:34 AM >

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:46:47 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		first of all, the definition of experienced is different for everyone...

I believe you should total your time of active involvement... and thats your years of experience...

I have... 3 years of experience.  It is what it is...

but what KIND of experience....

i mean... if i was 16 and my boyfriend tied me to the bed once... then does THAT count as time in my years of experience?

its hard to be accurate...




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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 9:50:17 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		As usual this question requires some further definition.
To me "experienced" is not necessarily defined as a person that has lots of "seniority" in BD/SM. I define this word as one who has enough real life experience in giving or accepting the form of BD/SM activity which is under discussion to know how to do it safely, competently and confidently.
Someone may have many more years "in the scene" than I do and not be an experienced fire play dominant because they have never done that. Same for many other activities. A submissive woman or man may be experienced in accepting strap-on penetration but may be totally inexperienced at giving this. One who has done bondage on thousands of others may never have experienced it done to themself. Someone who has paddled their spouse twice a day for two months may have spent much more time swinging a paddle than someone who has been active in the scene for 10 years but who rarely has a chance to play.
One thing which seems quite common in BD/SM as well as in vanilla life is that many people try to translate their real expert status in one area into a claim of similar status in a non-related field. The rock star gives political advice. The pope gives relationship advice. The architect gives investment advice. Someone may be great in a particular field but that gives them a bit of glamor but gives no real expertise in other fields.
Many times I have heard college professors, lawyers and other professionals talk about things as if they truly have full knowledge of the subject when in fact I KNOW that they do not understand the ramifications of the topic.
We all have knowledge, whether we have a lot of experience or not, and by exchanging knowledge we all can learn and build our own level of experience.


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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 10:08:02 AM   
mnottertail


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Joined: 11/3/2004
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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 11:24:44 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		sub4hire,

Its amazing how many bullshit artists are in the scene isn't it?  Some friends of mine, Mercandbeth tell me bullshit artists are pretty rampant in LA, what do you think?

As for me, I have been literally IN the scene for just shy of a decade.  I started a BDSM group that is one of the largest in Sacramento and did a good enough job it has run for years without me.  I have owned a public dungeon.  I have had four significant bdsm relationships spanning that time and a legion of women who I used for a short time.  I have attended classes by almost all the BDSM authors who live in the bay area, Jay Wiseman, Midori, Two Knotty Boys, the one I have missed that I long to see is Cybil Holiday and perhaps John Warren.  I correspond often enough with Jay that I feel comfortable calling him Jay.  I have been to playspaces younger players haven't even heard of.  I have hosted 30-40 bdsm parties, run discussion groups.

Oh, and I just now am starting to feel confident in my skills as a dominant because my relationship skills and self awareness sucked.  Classes, relationships, reading, "experience" are all great but nothing beats being a decent human being in the first place. 

Look at MadRabbit, the guy is a fucking child compared to me and yet the dude has his head on straight and gives damn fine advice on the board and his "experience" pales next to mine.  He isn't the only one here, LA is another youngster (although she IS getting old! LOL) and yet she is one of the few here I IM for advice privately.

Bottom line, action is far better than words.  Watch someone be around others, see how well their "experience" translates into real world effort and just that effort not the words.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 11:31:13 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Or do you say I've been in the scene for 20 years?


I would say.. "I have been INACTIVE for 20 years and I have alot of catching up to do!"

editted to add...

which to me means.. I have done nothing except fantazied about it.. which is only one step away from being Online for 20 years.  Actiive involvement is the only creditiable experience in my view.. and even then... the experience will be of a limited value.  Limited to what a person has actually experienced.  We can theorize or make observations of what we observe... but doing it gives us alot more meat to chew on.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 7/12/2007 11:32:28 AM >

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 11:32:17 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Bottom line, action is far better than words.  Watch someone be around others, see how well their "experience" translates into real world effort and just that effort not the words.


Simply, liars are everywhere especially on these boards.  Easy enough to figure out you merely watch their posts and watch them contradict themselves over and over until it is too pathetic to read.
No, that was not directed at you but at a statement you made early on.  I don't think liars are rampant in LA predominantly, they are rampant everywhere you go.
I agree with you, you watch others.  However that wasn't the total question at hand here.
We were in a discussion group and someone brought it up.  For me, when asked I've always said...I started learning about the lifestyle at a young age.  Didn't have my first dom until I was 21 and met him..spent ten year's together.  Took 5 to find another, now we've been together going on 9.
Yet, in many year's of talking to people I've heard very few say it the way I say it.
Which is fine, however for a new person how do they define experience and time in scene?
Many times you cannot watch someone.  Especially on the net.  Other than watching their words.
Which tells you little of someone unless they bare their souls to the world.
As someone else stated D/s relationships are all around us.  Do you count that as time?  Or, is it bondage?  Do we break it down into arenas?  Fire play?  Caning? 
Would it be better overall if we did just that?  Or lump it all together?

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 11:36:50 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Some friends of mine, Mercandbeth tell me bullshit artists are pretty rampant in LA

Michael,
Now that's just not true. We said that there are some bullshit artists, frauds, and hypocrites in the LA area, like anywhere. Besides - some have moved.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 11:44:19 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Timo, you know I am sorry you have an issue with me.  However that is your issue.  It started the day you met me in real time and you asked me for advice on how to get another for the two of you.
Then everything else that followed.  Just because we never went to your house on any of the numerous invites does not make us people who are frauds.  It makes us people who didn't want to attend one of your events.

Actually the final day for me was the day you told me you could not attend an after event function because Beth was so sick.  I asked her less than 5 minutes later if she was ok.  She told me she was f"ine and...why was I asking?"

So yeah, if in your opinion that makes me fake.  So be it....if you haven't exactly noticed I really don't care what you think of me.  I'd be more worried of what the people you hang out with on a daily basis think of you.

No skin off my back either way.  Keep throwing it if you want to. 

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 12:07:53 PM   
masterdstar


Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Gee wizzzzzzzzz! My response would be how the hell did you hold off for 20 f**king years!!??

HEHE I have been at this since My 20's and that was 40 years ago LMAO I guess I'm not a good judge of this question.

Enjoy your wonder-filled day

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 1:15:24 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Timo, you know I am sorry you have an issue with me.  However that is your issue.  It started the day you met me in real time and you asked me for advice on how to get another for the two of you.
Then everything else that followed.  Just because we never went to your house on any of the numerous invites does not make us people who are frauds.  It makes us people who didn't want to attend one of your events.

Actually the final day for me was the day you told me you could not attend an after event function because Beth was so sick.  I asked her less than 5 minutes later if she was ok.  She told me she was f"ine and...why was I asking?"

So yeah, if in your opinion that makes me fake.  So be it....if you haven't exactly noticed I really don't care what you think of me.  I'd be more worried of what the people you hang out with on a daily basis think of you.

No skin off my back either way.  Keep throwing it if you want to. 
Gloria - Simply put you are a LIAR.

Never needed or need any help on the issue of another - don't remember asking you about it for that matter, but if you have that memory enjoy it.

You are a fraud my dear, because you say one thing and do another. You say one thing to a person's face and say something else behind their back. Taking your suggestion, the people who you used to hang around with you confirm my opinion about you.

You are a dangerous person regarding new people entering this lifestyle because you lie. I could care less about you accepting my invitations. Coming out 1 1/2 hours to attend your events wasn't a chore it was what we wanted to do. The last time, we can one day before leaving on a trip to SF and yet we came. We left early not only because beth's feet hurt, her "nothing" reply is because they do so most of the time, and we had to pack. Seeing you before we left I went out of my way to make sure you and I had no problem. You said we didn't - until we left according to MANY there. Fraud - lie - hypocrite - your actions speak to what you are.

What is experience? That was my experience with you - First hand - direct - clear.

You took this personal, let's reflect directly from Gloria's school of "submission".

Sorry for the hijack - and have a nice day!

Edited to add: There was no direct reference to you. I guess you felt guilty. "No skin off my back either way"? Why then use my name and answer direct.

PS - One of Gloria's "truths" - "A man can't pee with an erection - It is physically impossible!" Stop by sometime and I'll give you an up close an personal look at an impossibility.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 1:22:45 PM   
laineyjade


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think "how long have you been into BDSM" is a good question anyway. People can say whatever they want. A better way to handle it is to ask about their previous relationships and experiences in an open ended way, that way you don't end up with a number that doesn't mean anything but with actual answers.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 1:37:15 PM   
texancutie


Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		Some people can claim 15-20 years and have never learned anything, or grown from their experiences.  Hard to believe, but am sure there are people out there like that.   It's kind of like getting your diploma, and just being there as a body all those years, and not really getting involved mentally or putting real effort in.  Just doing the minimum.  And of couse, like everyone has been stating, there are those that count years of experience when they were not even actively involved. 

I guess one has to just learn to weed through all the BS, and ask the right questions of others is all.

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RE: What is experienced? - 7/12/2007 1:56:07 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		***Decided not to add to the shreds of a discussion, because I'm ducking the drive-bys.  MAN, when did CollarMe turn into a corner in Compton?***

E

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