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Becoming a good Master - 6/20/2005 9:18:41 PM   
Rascalyrabbit


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		Recently my girlfriend and I decided to live a D/s relationship. We are not in a 24/7 D/s, nor are we only D/s in the bedroom. However, my girlfiriend/sub wishes to give up total control. I would like to know what steps I should take to enforce rules and anything else I should start with to get me in the right direction?

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 6:39:32 AM   
Jayxkes


Posts: 138
Joined: 7/8/2004
Status: offline 		A couple of things to get you started:
1. read and reasearch. 'Never mind the roses, send me the thorns', may help. Talk to others at munches etc., and never be afraid to admit that you need help.

2. take it slowly. Talk to each other and learn what each of you consider your respective roles involve.

3. talk to each other. Especially after a play session.

4. do not be shy about practising with toys. (I still spend time flogging and whipping pillows etc.) It is far better to get it wrong on a pillow or cushion than on flesh.

5. talk to each other!!!

6. when you are offered advice, listen to it; consider it and then extract that which you consider is right for you and yours. What is right for one, may be very wrong for another.

7. mean what you say and say what you mean.

8. understand the difference between dominance and bullying, being a submissive and being a doormat , punishment and play.

9. Unto thyself be true.

10. do things because they are right for you, not because someone says that is what D/s couples do.

Most of all enjoy it.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 7:17:54 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		That is some of the best advice I have ever seen......

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 7:56:29 AM   
Rascalyrabbit


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		I would have to agree, thanks Jayxkes.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 8:27:32 AM   
Jayxkes


Posts: 138
Joined: 7/8/2004
Status: offline 		You're very welcome.

If you feel you'd like to ask anything, or just chat, privately, then feel free.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 9:19:03 AM   
MasterArn


Posts: 22
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		exellent advice, Jayxkes. however you forgot one key ingredient...

Trust

w/o it, there can not be any effective communication; of which you based much of your, again, WONDERFUL advice on.

Rascalyrabbit, you must have Trust WITH the Communication...


Respectfully,
MasterArn

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 9:31:23 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Good point...Everything needs a good foundation, I fall back on the original Four Cornerstones... Trust, Honesty, Respect and Communication.

Jewel

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 9:50:07 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Reguardless of if you write the rules out or not, make sure that there are reasons behind the rules and that the rules, protcol, ... reinforce the core values you have for your relationship.

Personally I like the Values, Policy, Procedure layout.

Value Hygene/ Good health
Policy the bathroom will be cleaned and disinfected every other day.
Proceedure, Specific products, methods of cleaning the bathroom.

That way when something comes up and the slave has to use their judgement they can fall back on the stated values as a guide for their actions when specifics are not available at that moment.

Just a really basic idea that may help you in the area of formating your rules based on something real, your Values.

In Leather

Archer

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 10:00:58 AM   
Rascalyrabbit


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		All very good advice everyone, thank you.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 10:15:30 AM   
Tempestspet


Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline 		I know this is ask a master, but.. and really... I try to refrain..smiles..

But should he perhaps think about not taking all the control right off? That, depending on what she means by wanting to give away all the control.... that could likely be a lot to start off with.
Maybe, take it in stages, getting her used to losing it, you used to taking it... til you reach the level... complete.. or whatever.. that is good for you both.

Thank you,
Tempest's pet
jennifer

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 11:14:20 AM   
Davesgirl


Posts: 89
Joined: 5/13/2005
Status: offline 		I know..silly slave posting ehre...Hope no one gets overly offended...

My Master and I have jsut recently changed from a strictly vanilla to 24/7 M/s relationship. The biggest things that can make or break it are Honesty, Trust and communication. Without those in palce, I just dont see how it can work.

Hope this helps in some small way

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 11:18:42 AM   
Rascalyrabbit


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tempestspet

I know this is ask a master, but.. and really... I try to refrain..smiles..

But should he perhaps think about not taking all the control right off? That, depending on what she means by wanting to give away all the control.... that could likely be a lot to start off with.
Maybe, take it in stages, getting her used to losing it, you used to taking it... til you reach the level... complete.. or whatever.. that is good for you both.

Thank you,
Tempest's pet
jennifer



Well, I didn't plan on just jumping in. We are trying to learn as much as we can right now. Taking it slow and learning as we go along. Pretty fun, I must say.


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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 12:55:26 PM   
Tempestspet


Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline 		nods...I'm with you there...it' awesome!!!..smiles

I was just mentioning it, as I have seen people go all or nothing... and it fried itself out, overload if you will... not saying you would've just hadn't seen anyone mention it yet...


Have a great day!!

Temepst's pet
jennifer



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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 1:39:46 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Welcomed to BDSM and the forums. :-) Jaxkes gave you some good advice. The only thing I can add to it is for you to go out and get some real time support. There is nothing like being able to be open about your relationship in front of people. I don't know what part of Cali you're in, so I can't direct you to a local munch. We do have a state wide events list http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Bdsm_Calif_Events/ that you can check. If you're in So Cal, I recommend Lady Badger's OC Munch in Orange County. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OCMunch/ BDSM West has discussion groups and peer support groups in the So Cal area, as well as occasional play gatherings. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BDSM_West/

Even in the real time settings, keep Jakxes'
quote:

10. do things because they are right for you, not because someone says that is what D/s couples do.
in mind. Do what is right for you and your submissive. If you treat your submissive in X way because Masteroftheknownuniverse says that is the way you do it, when you don't feel it is right in your heart, you're subbing to Masteroftheknownuniverse. As a Dominant, you make the rules that fit you and the one who serves you, no one else. This doesn't mean don't take good advice IF IT FITS YOU. It means don't take any advice that doesn't feel right to you. :-)

By the way, don't ever take any guff over calling yourself a Master. Some people may be obnoxious enough to comment on it because you are female gendered. It is not acceptable for them to do so. You are what you've chosen to be. They are being unconscionably rude.

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 6/21/2005 1:44:25 PM >

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 2:29:35 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jayxkes

'Never mind the roses, send me the thorns', may help.



While I feel Screw the Roses is an invaluable book, I don't think it is the first a newbie should get. (I put it at third.) To me, it's the equivalent of handing a college text to a high school student. Scary, overwhelming and not likely to be read.

I usually recommend The New Topping Book- by Easton & Liszt as a good intro book, along with Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual


Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual is the one I most recently read. It is also basic material, but covers some stuff not done in the other books. The style is easy to follow. It isn't overly wordy, so it isn't an intimidating book. It is a good overview book, touching lightly on many subjects and is one you can actually imagine yourself reading cover to cover. (In other words, it is a thin book, LoL.) I actually prefer the companion guide, Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners, but it is written more towards the submissive. It might be good to get yourself the Manual and her the workbook.

Another book you might look at,
The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance although I've not read so can't critique . Perhaps one of the Dom here has read it.


When you're ready to face Screw the Roses (and I do highly recommend it, just not as the very first book,) here is the link:
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/21/2005 4:26:00 PM   
Rascalyrabbit


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

By the way, don't ever take any guff over calling yourself a Master. Some people may be obnoxious enough to comment on it because you are female gendered. It is not acceptable for them to do so. You are what you've chosen to be. They are being unconscionably rude.


Thank you! I couldn't agree more! Thank you for all the advise everyone, and thank you for the advise on the books. I will have my sub run out and pick them up for us.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/22/2005 5:01:58 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		One point that I haven't seen made very clear is about punishment and pain.

Remember that your partners/sub is asking for this. There may be some parts that she may not like but she will be glad that you are being true to what you said you where going to do. Some ppl feel that love gets in the way of giving pain. As for me when it become more that just passion, the more whip I put in my lashin.

Remember that you a doing this because you care for her. And that means you'll be doing everything good, bad, and ugly.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/23/2005 10:29:34 AM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

That way when something comes up and the slave has to use their judgement they can fall back on the stated values as a guide for their actions when specifics are not available at that moment.

Just a really basic idea that may help you in the area of formating your rules based on something real, your Values.

In Leather

Archer



I'd like to second that. I don't use the same articulation, but I am down with the concept. In the Marine Corps we call it "Commander's Intent."

If I say, "Lt, take your platoon and assault the enemy on Hill 123," that's all good if Lt. So and So gets to Jill 123 and the enemy is there waiting to be assaulted. WHat if they have displaced to hill 456 down the road? Should the Lt pursue them? Hold the now empty ground? The Lt in question did not get enough guidance from his senior to know what to do (ps if your response is "Call on the radio for further instructions," - the radio is dead )

Now, if I as a commander say, "It is my intent to destroy all enemy forces in our Areo of Operations - go assault the enemy on Hill 123," well then our fearless Lt can now make a call, because he knows the Commander's Intent.


Sure, this is a military example, using military language, but I think the principle can be applied in PE.

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RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/23/2005 4:41:58 PM   
WyckedGryn


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Some great advice here, Jayxkes, your words should be posted on every BDSM website. And let me add one more time; Talk to each other! ALOT!

Just wanted to add to the book list real quick; SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

Not the most erotic reading.... hell, it's not erotic at all. It is however, full of very good and very important safety tips for beginners to our lifestyle. Because of the nature of our fetish, we have the ability to cause great harm, even by accident.

Always,
Wycked

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Becoming a good Master - 6/26/2005 6:20:44 PM   
tattooedbiker


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Great advice

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Profile   Post #: 20
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