RE: Getting upset with My Dom

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MzMia -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 9:21:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beargonewild quote: ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn He can change if he wants, but i'm also saying that maybe we can both change for the better and try to work it out This is the key statement right here. IF he wants to change. Listen to the good advice here, don't try to force him to change for you. By doing so, you'll only make matters worse. If you and him are not compatible, walk away and honestly seek one who is more fitting to your needs and vice versa. It seems to me he has NO need to change, you do. He is happy with what he does and how his life is going and guess what? He is the DOMINANT party! 5 months is not a long period of time, you can continue to "play" with him as you seek another. Good luck.

sireninchains -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 10:25:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia quote: ORIGINAL: beargonewild quote: ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn He can change if he wants, but i'm also saying that maybe we can both change for the better and try to work it out This is the key statement right here. IF he wants to change. Listen to the good advice here, don't try to force him to change for you. By doing so, you'll only make matters worse. If you and him are not compatible, walk away and honestly seek one who is more fitting to your needs and vice versa. It seems to me he has NO need to change, you do. He is happy with what he does and how his life is going and guess what? He is the DOMINANT party! 5 months is not a long period of time, you can continue to "play" with him as you seek another. Good luck. MzMia, you seem to have fumbled over your own response. How can she play with him if he does not allow it as a part of her relationship. She seems to be seeking a 24/7 dynamic, and she seems to want that dynamic with this man. If she wants to re-negotiate the terms of her relationship with him, and become play partners and nothing else, seeking a serious relationship elsewhere, then she will do that, I hope. However, alot of people have said alot of intelligent things. What needs to happen here is that the couple in question should sit, talk, open hand, and if they figure out that they just don't click after discussing their needs, then they dont click. If they work something out, whatever it is, then all the better.

MzMia -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 11:12:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn Excuse ME, SireninChains? you stumbled over your catty remarks to ME. i've been under my Dom's wing now for about 5 months and now i'm starting to seriously reconsider our relationship. He was easy, i mean real easy let me get away with everything in the beginning. So i've talked to him about stepping it up to be even more firm with me. Yea he's done it, but it seems like he's afraid of hurting me and bringing back old painful memories of my past. And to me he's only into the play part and i don't think he takes this seriously. What part of this thread is it that you don't understand? Could it be the part where she states that he is ONLY into the play part? He's older than i am, by at least 18 years, but is only into training girls and into spankings. i have as well talked to him about possible collaring and a full time, since he can only play whenever his work allows. Yet he isn't into collaring or full time. i'm starting to get frustrated that everytime i suggest he step it up, he does to a degree than it feels like he backs down again. He's great in a sense that he takes me out for lunch/early dinner, and i'm in no way complaining about it. So my question is: Is he just dragging me around just because? Or should i trust my instincts and try to find someone else? i just feel hopelessly lost and frustrated. Any advice, positive or negative would help me out. Thank you Okay sweetie, you look great with a big foot in your mouth. You wear it well. [;)]

MzMia -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 11:13:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia quote: ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn Excuse ME, SireninChains? you stumbled over your catty remarks to ME. i've been under my Dom's wing now for about 5 months and now i'm starting to seriously reconsider our relationship. He was easy, i mean real easy let me get away with everything in the beginning. So i've talked to him about stepping it up to be even more firm with me. Yea he's done it, but it seems like he's afraid of hurting me and bringing back old painful memories of my past. And to me he's only into the play part and i don't think he takes this seriously. What part of this thread is it that you don't understand? Could it be the part where she states that he is ONLY into the play part? He's older than i am, by at least 18 years, but is only into training girls and into spankings. i have as well talked to him about possible collaring and a full time, since he can only play whenever his work allows. Yet he isn't into collaring or full time. i'm starting to get frustrated that everytime i suggest he step it up, he does to a degree than it feels like he backs down again. He's great in a sense that he takes me out for lunch/early dinner, and i'm in no way complaining about it. So my question is: Is he just dragging me around just because? Or should i trust my instincts and try to find someone else? i just feel hopelessly lost and frustrated. Any advice, positive or negative would help me out. Thank you Okay sweetie, you have a big foot in your mouth..but you wear it well.[;)] You are right a lot of OTHER people, have said some intelligent things here. Peace

sireninchains -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 11:32:52 PM)
-fast reply- I am sorry if my reply offended, MzMia, that was not its intent, however, whatever offense it may have caused I doubt it warranted petty insult. All I was trying to say was that your inital remark was a contradiction, and that by saying she could go and play with others while in her relationship if those were not the negotiated terms of said relationship. That being said, I will not drop to making insulting remarks, I am sorry that you feel that compulsion.

MzMia -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/14/2007 11:37:26 PM)
[:D] I feel marvelous.

julietsierra -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 3:11:24 AM)
Personally, I'm wondering if he's really this way or if he's doing this until she stops trying to direct the relationship. There's an "evil" group of dominant-type people out there who take seriously their allotted roles and will NOT be pushed into more than they want to do when they want to do it, how they want to do it. In fact, the more the submissive-type person whines, wails, cajoles, weedles, begs, etc, the longer they'll wait it out. And in fact, generally speaking, those "evil" dominant-type people will often look for precisely what it is the submissive-type person seems to need/want/desire/beg for the most and that's exactly what they will not deliver - until the submissive type person learns to stop whining, wailing, cajoling, weedling, begging, and then, on their own time, in their own way, as THEY see fit - it'll happen. And if 5 months is the ceiling on what the submissive-type person calls submission - well, they'll allow that too, cause submission is a choice - not a equal and opposite reaction. There is no way for any of us to know just how this dominant-type person really is. In fact, I don't think the submissive in this situation knows either. For an "evil" dominant-type person, ultimately, her decision to submit is not based on his actions. It's based on whether she wants to submit to him or not. And only she can make up her mind to do so or not. Admittedly, this kind of relationship is the much much harder row to hoe... but for the right submissive, the "evil" dominant type can be so worth it. It's just a matter of how hard you (the OP) want to work at this. "Evil" dominant-type people are a work of art, but like all masterpieces, the beauty of what they do is in the eye of the beholder. juliet

julietsierra -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 3:24:08 AM)
WOW... I love it when I post to these forums and in answering someone else, find the answers I needed for myself - and evidently, had all along. juliet (happily - and sometimes, frustratingly serving one of those "evil" dominant-type Masters)

eyesopened -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 4:25:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn And to me he's only into the play part and i don't think he takes this seriously. He's older than i am, by at least 18 years, but is only into training girls and into spankings. So my question is: Is he just dragging me around just because? Are YOU just dragging Him around just because? If you went into this relationship knowing He's only into spankings and training why would you even want to be collared to a Man who isn't what you want? If you want to go whitewater rafting don't buy a houseboat.

MissHarlet -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 11:38:16 AM)
Can you live with what he is and is not .. .and if not then dont try to change him..find another relationship... This lifestyle is not always easy but it should be fun ..and if it isnt you are with the wrong partner. No one ever changes another person..they are who and what they are .especially if a Dominant.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 12:44:07 PM)
he's not dragging you around, playing with your emotions, or anything else except for being honest with you; why can't you accept the fact that you both desire two different things and stop trying to buy into the blame game?

MzMia -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 7:02:02 PM)
Great responses, most of us are all on the same page here. It is easier to find another Dominant male, than to try to change one that is happy the way things are.

rmanrr -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/15/2007 9:15:50 PM)
Greetings. I have usually found your posts intelligent...and this time is no different. She knew the kind of Man he was when she signed up for the course....so stop bitching and trying to change Him...if He is not what you want then find One who is what you want.

PAcpllooking -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 9:46:50 AM)
Hi LA Thats a good point. I wish I had a nickel for every person I have seen get into that exact pattern. Know someone for a few hot weekends and boom collared, 3 months later, boom collar comes off. And so on and so on. Yep the dreaded velcro collar syndrome....................... William

MistressEve -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 11:20:38 AM)
Aw when I read your post I heard Myself saying the same words; only it was about My submissives. Whats nice about My role is I have the liberty to train My boys to meet My needs. I currently have one boy that I felt would never rise up to My expectations, but after training him for several months he has proved to be better than any of them that came to Me "showing" they were trained. Maybe because I took the time to mold what I wanted. I am not a believer in throwing away a relationship simply because one aspect of it is not working at the moment. I applaud you for communicating with your Dom and trying to negotiate what it is you feel you need in the relationship. Sometimes however, we are not sure ourselves what we need. I suggest you write it out. Place on paper what it is you think would help you reach that place. you may think its harsher, more firm treatment, when its really more connection or attention you are seeking. After you narrow it down, and it maybe that you want a firm hand, then its time to place action to that need. See, I can tell you vaguely, I want a firmer hand and you in return, may take that as I want harder spankings. When in reality I want you to "show" you care about what I do on a daily bases. This is a connection statement. It says I want to feel your paying attention to Me, that what service I am giving to you, you notice. But in the end I still need an action to go with the feeling. So spell it out. "When you place your hand over My mouth, I feel connected and more submissive to you". "When you noticed that I failed to get your coffee in the moring and placed me in the corner, I felt that My service to you mattered". Now I shared with you something you understand....the Dom can make that happen and is not guessing as to what you need. An idea to help this sort of situation, is to make a game out of it. Ask your Dom if he is open of course. But at some point in the day/night disobey or be a brat about a rule he has set out for you. His role is to notice when you are doing so and then to follow through with what ever punishment the two of you agree upon. See when a person comes home from work they are tried and sometimes its hard to find the energy to "live the lifestyle". Some people want to be Dom in the bedroom and then let it trickle into their everyday life as time and energy would have it. Its easier to playfully start adding it into your daily life and to begin slowly. Then as time goes by and this becomes an established routine, add more to it. Living the lifestyle is typically not an established pattern for anyone. Its a learned skill that most don't acquire naturally. The other thing this does, is build confidence. When the Dom or sub, receives the positive response, which is SOOOOOO important that you give when the scene goes well, it strengths the chance the behavior will occur again. Even if aspects of it didn't go as you had desired, focus on what went well....time and communication will take care of the rest. Two people can't live in the same space without influencing each other. Its how you influence that person that will either draw you closer or pull you further apart. Most people want to draw closer to someone if they feel good about themselves while with them. If he is hearing that he doesn't meet your needs as a Dom, he is more likely to pull away. Place it all in perspective. It maybe just this one area, so don't throw it all away. Now if you were saying there were many areas in the relationship that you were unhappy about...that would be different. I say play and play and play until you both find what works....have fun doing it. Be creative, brainstrom, the options are limitless if you open them up =)

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 11:59:39 AM)
What an interesting and enlightening post juliet! I often wondered if these types existed or if I was trying to "label" him as something else just for my own sanity. It would be helpful if they had a little tag somewhere that would clue you in as to their brand of "evilness". [&:] Thank you for sharing this. quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra Personally, I'm wondering if he's really this way or if he's doing this until she stops trying to direct the relationship. There's an "evil" group of dominant-type people out there who take seriously their allotted roles and will NOT be pushed into more than they want to do when they want to do it, how they want to do it. In fact, the more the submissive-type person whines, wails, cajoles, weedles, begs, etc, the longer they'll wait it out. And in fact, generally speaking, those "evil" dominant-type people will often look for precisely what it is the submissive-type person seems to need/want/desire/beg for the most and that's exactly what they will not deliver - until the submissive type person learns to stop whining, wailing, cajoling, weedling, begging, and then, on their own time, in their own way, as THEY see fit - it'll happen. And if 5 months is the ceiling on what the submissive-type person calls submission - well, they'll allow that too, cause submission is a choice - not a equal and opposite reaction. There is no way for any of us to know just how this dominant-type person really is. In fact, I don't think the submissive in this situation knows either. For an "evil" dominant-type person, ultimately, her decision to submit is not based on his actions. It's based on whether she wants to submit to him or not. And only she can make up her mind to do so or not. Admittedly, this kind of relationship is the much much harder row to hoe... but for the right submissive, the "evil" dominant type can be so worth it. It's just a matter of how hard you (the OP) want to work at this. "Evil" dominant-type people are a work of art, but like all masterpieces, the beauty of what they do is in the eye of the beholder. juliet

julietsierra -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 3:26:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel What an interesting and enlightening post juliet! I often wondered if these types existed or if I was trying to "label" him as something else just for my own sanity. It would be helpful if they had a little tag somewhere that would clue you in as to their brand of "evilness". [&:] Thank you for sharing this. quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra Personally, I'm wondering if he's really this way or if he's doing this until she stops trying to direct the relationship. There's an "evil" group of dominant-type people out there who take seriously their allotted roles and will NOT be pushed into more than they want to do when they want to do it, how they want to do it. In fact, the more the submissive-type person whines, wails, cajoles, weedles, begs, etc, the longer they'll wait it out. And in fact, generally speaking, those "evil" dominant-type people will often look for precisely what it is the submissive-type person seems to need/want/desire/beg for the most and that's exactly what they will not deliver - until the submissive type person learns to stop whining, wailing, cajoling, weedling, begging, and then, on their own time, in their own way, as THEY see fit - it'll happen. And if 5 months is the ceiling on what the submissive-type person calls submission - well, they'll allow that too, cause submission is a choice - not a equal and opposite reaction. There is no way for any of us to know just how this dominant-type person really is. In fact, I don't think the submissive in this situation knows either. For an "evil" dominant-type person, ultimately, her decision to submit is not based on his actions. It's based on whether she wants to submit to him or not. And only she can make up her mind to do so or not. Admittedly, this kind of relationship is the much much harder row to hoe... but for the right submissive, the "evil" dominant type can be so worth it. It's just a matter of how hard you (the OP) want to work at this. "Evil" dominant-type people are a work of art, but like all masterpieces, the beauty of what they do is in the eye of the beholder. juliet lol... Oh, they DO exist BRNaughtyAngel!!! They are hard, they are scary and they are wonderful. They are hard because they're going to hold you to your dreams, your fears and your insecurities. These wonderful people are going to make you decide - for yourself - with zero help from them, that THIS is what you want. You'll find that they take your biggest desire or fear, and use exactly this to "help" you figure out what you want. And if this works for you, you'll curse them, cry a LOT and in the end, find they've got your heart and your head and your body firmly in hand, and all those conversations about the submissive actually being in charge will seem laughable - cause you KNOW you're not in charge of anything other than your choice to submit. Once we give them that power, amazing things can happen - both good and bad - but no matter what, it's OUR choice to stay and submit. And THAT'S the scary part. While we're in this stage, we have absolutely NO idea if we'll ever get what we hope for. All we can do is decide if we're going to submit or not. And that's why they come with no tags or instructions. I can honestly say that while at times I've been frustrated and hurt and sad and all those other not so nice things in SPADES, what I've gained from those times is beyond compare. I wouldn't change it for the world. juliet

LaTigresse -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 3:38:02 PM)
I am glad I am not alone. There are some of us that enjoy watching and waiting. Waiting to see how badly you really want it.

domiguy -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 3:51:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel What an interesting and enlightening post juliet! I often wondered if these types existed or if I was trying to "label" him as something else just for my own sanity. It would be helpful if they had a little tag somewhere that would clue you in as to their brand of "evilness". [&:] Thank you for sharing this. quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra Personally, I'm wondering if he's really this way or if he's doing this until she stops trying to direct the relationship. There's an "evil" group of dominant-type people out there who take seriously their allotted roles and will NOT be pushed into more than they want to do when they want to do it, how they want to do it. In fact, the more the submissive-type person whines, wails, cajoles, weedles, begs, etc, the longer they'll wait it out. And in fact, generally speaking, those "evil" dominant-type people will often look for precisely what it is the submissive-type person seems to need/want/desire/beg for the most and that's exactly what they will not deliver - until the submissive type person learns to stop whining, wailing, cajoling, weedling, begging, and then, on their own time, in their own way, as THEY see fit - it'll happen. And if 5 months is the ceiling on what the submissive-type person calls submission - well, they'll allow that too, cause submission is a choice - not a equal and opposite reaction. There is no way for any of us to know just how this dominant-type person really is. In fact, I don't think the submissive in this situation knows either. For an "evil" dominant-type person, ultimately, her decision to submit is not based on his actions. It's based on whether she wants to submit to him or not. And only she can make up her mind to do so or not. Admittedly, this kind of relationship is the much much harder row to hoe... but for the right submissive, the "evil" dominant type can be so worth it. It's just a matter of how hard you (the OP) want to work at this. "Evil" dominant-type people are a work of art, but like all masterpieces, the beauty of what they do is in the eye of the beholder. juliet Personally if find this logic to be way off base....the myserious evil Dom.....Booogedy!!!...Booogedy!!! We talk a good game out here....about the exchange dynamic...But at the end of the day...much of it is 100% bullshit....Yes, your dom might take you down a path that you have not explored....But you all went there willingly...There is actual very little "dynamic"...In that you get what you want and I get what I want and Voila!!! Everyone is happy. There might be a few unpleasantries along the way but if everyone is on the same page mentally and emotionally most things can be ironed out. What your saying is the "evil dom" is going to hold back what you want until you stop whining about it....But in the end you will get exactly what you wanted...only it took half a year to get it....How many people are going to wait six fucking months to be proven wrong about the other person sharing their life? For the most part people don't change....I think it is more in the subs desire to please that this might be possible than trying to change the actions of a dom....Either way I could think a few things less satisfying than someone who has to fake the desired action or reaction...For the most part I believe it is simply not meant to be...Which is fine....life is long, there are a zillion people out there and I'm sure that many are a perfect match.

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 4:00:06 PM)
Thank you juliet. Much food for thought. quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra lol... Oh, they DO exist BRNaughtyAngel!!! They are hard, they are scary and they are wonderful. They are hard because they're going to hold you to your dreams, your fears and your insecurities. These wonderful people are going to make you decide - for yourself - with zero help from them, that THIS is what you want. You'll find that they take your biggest desire or fear, and use exactly this to "help" you figure out what you want. And if this works for you, you'll curse them, cry a LOT and in the end, find they've got your heart and your head and your body firmly in hand, and all those conversations about the submissive actually being in charge will seem laughable - cause you KNOW you're not in charge of anything other than your choice to submit. Once we give them that power, amazing things can happen - both good and bad - but no matter what, it's OUR choice to stay and submit. And THAT'S the scary part. While we're in this stage, we have absolutely NO idea if we'll ever get what we hope for. All we can do is decide if we're going to submit or not. And that's why they come with no tags or instructions. I can honestly say that while at times I've been frustrated and hurt and sad and all those other not so nice things in SPADES, what I've gained from those times is beyond compare. I wouldn't change it for the world. juliet

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