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julietsierra -> RE: Getting upset with My Dom (7/16/2007 11:55:19 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: domiguy
It just seems odd that it would take so long to get the relationship on the right track...I think you would probably agree....
I think you have got to try and keep things spicey...It is easy to fall into a rut in any type of relationship...I think that it is natural to be inclined to introduce certain aspects that your partner might not be 100% initially on board on...So you live, grow and learn and accept what you can and toss the rest...And hopefully your relationship stays a float and you manage to sail clear of the "deal breakers."
There are way too many people who are involved in the people changing business....It tends to fall on women trying to change a man....I believe this to be accurate...Have no quantitative evidence???...It seems the success rate in these types of endeavors is extremely low.
I'm glad you are happy and that you found success....But I would think a word to the wise is that your success is probably the exception rather than the rule...And you might stay one year in a relationship hoping for the miraculous change...And before you know it you have tacked on an additional five, ten or more years....And one day you wake up and scream....What in the Fuck happened to me...lol
Take care....I apologize if I came off to harsh.
*smile* It does seem odd. It seemed odd (and frustrating, and itchy, and "OMG!! WHY aren't we playing harder, doing more, what the FUCK is he DOING anyway?!") to me too. It sure did.
And for much of the first year, most of what we did involved dinner, making love (eewww vanilla!! with a little bit of spanking involved.) light play (certainly MUCH lighter than I'd previously been involved in) and setting up rituals. What there wasn't was a lot of hard play, instructions, assignments, punishments, nothing along those lines - the lines that, reading the forums, it appears most people in general, follow one way or another. What he was doing was getting to know me and getting to know my body and he would not be pushed into doing more than he was ready to do. For much of that first year he would come by, then he wouldn't. He'd call, then he'd not be available. And I sure did want him to stop doing those things. I NEEDED him to stop doing those things.
He was so "helpful" during this time. He told me nice things like "no demonstrations of affection unless I (he) initiate them" (so much for my wanting hugs/kisses/etc. I could want them all I wanted. He would solely determine when and IF I'd get them.) I was told "I determine what happens and when, so if you ask for things, you may eventually get them, but they'll be last on my list of things I give you." He would tell me this in story form about his early life and early years in bdsm I heard what he was saying and thought "So much for communication!" (we actually communicate very well. He just set things up differently than I'd ever thought of before.) He said, "I'll let you know when you've done something I don't like." (Yea, but what about telling me what you DO like so that I won't mess up in the first place?!). And there were so many other things as well.
I could have walked. If I used the criteria that most people who write in to these forums use, then I SHOULD have walked. But along the way, he was so darn handsome, and when I saw him my heart beat faster, I felt calmer, he was DAMN good in bed (even when we weren't engaging in BDSM), and I simply loved what his voice did to me. I didn't ask myself "what the hell is he doing?" (ok, I did ask myself that - and often). However, what I also asked myself was "Do you submit or don't you? I kept my focus on what it was *I* wanted - not just my sexual desires, but ultimately what I wanted out of this and frankly, any relationship I was entering into. Ultimately, what I wanted MYSELF to do - for MYSELF - was to submit. I submitted.
Eight months into our relationship, he gave me a collar. There was no formal grand to-do for this. He didn't get all romantic. He didn't do all the things I thought I WANTED him to do. We went to a party that evening (April 3rd). At the party, we played harder than we had up to that time. No floating around allowed for me. He always stopped short of that, but it was fun and I was thrilled, already planning in my head that NOW we'd be playing harder, doing more, etc. (Notice how easy it was for me to suddenly begin taking over even without realizing it was happening? He knew that's what was going on in my head.) On the way out to my car (we live at opposite ends of the city so usually meet in the middle) he handed me a gift box (kind of one of those chinese dinner looking boxes) and said "this isn't a birthday present. (my birthday is on the 5th) Do not open it until you get home, have changed clothes and gotten the house shut down for the night."
That damn box kept calling my name all the way home (a 45 minute trip) and more than once I almost said "fuck it - he'll never know." But my point was "do I submit?" my answer was "yes" and so I did things in the order he said - even though he wasn't around to know I did them that way. I got home, changed clothes, put the dog out, brought him back in, shut down the house, jumped into bed and opened the box. Inside was a collar. No hearts, no flowers, no soft, gentle and heartfelt words of committment - just a collar.
I immediately called him asking him what it all meant (I didn't want to presume to know on something that was this big) I could hear him grinning as he listened to my excitement, confusion and all that. What I also heard in what he said to me, but didn't pay much attention to at the time was that in addition to it being a symbol of committment, that it was also going to serve as a talisman for me, so that when I doubted, I could have something to hold on to - kind of a security blanket. That night, no one would have been able to convince me that I'd ever doubt again.
And that was the last time (for the most part) that we played for the next year (and 21 days). During that year, he'd do little things to take the edge off for me, but there was never ever full out play. (Oh yea... and I've NEVER been allowed to masturbate, so that was out too) It was intentional. It was planned. It was designed that way. And I didn't understand any of it. And I went to bed many many nights holding that darn collar because it was the ONLY thing that was reminding me that there was really something here and that I had committed to something bigger than just my emotions. The collar was such that I couldn't wear it full time because of my job and its appearance and the fact that I had other family members in my house, but I'd have given anything to be able to wear that thing full time - he didn't even give me that luxury *smile* So I held it and wore it in the car when I could and got through this time. In the process, I leared a LOT about me, about him and a lot about submission. It's been wonderful.
On April 24th of the following year, we went to a party. That night, he looked at me, did this kind of lip-smacking thing with his mouth that is his usual indication of satisfaction, and we played harder than we had in the last year (and 21 days). When we talked about it the day after, I asked why did we not do that throughout the past year. His answer: I took you down to green again. I don't want you inadvertantly comparing anything we do to whoever you were with before me. And that's exactly what he did.
Each year since then, he's upped the ante a bit. Sometimes I'm chomping at the bit. sometimes I'm not. What I find most of the time though is that each step up is wonderful, challenging and life-changing. It never fails that about the time I start to get antsy, it's been about a year and he changes things to meet that antsy-ness - but it's never ever EVER because I ask for it. It's because HE'S decided he's ready and I'm ready and that's when it happens.
On my part, my only choice is what it's always been. Do I submit? You see, there's a difference between being frustrated over someone and simply getting to the point where you don't want to be with them. I have never reached the point where I didn't want to be with him. I was just really really frustrated with him and his seemingly reluctance to move faster, do more, etc.
I agree with you that there is always the possibility of finding yourself in a relationship 5-10 years down the line wondering what the hell you've been doing. But there's that risk inherent in ANY relationship. Ultimately though, the decision to stay in any relationship shouldn't be what that OTHER person is or is not doing. It should be what you (or I) want. In my case, the question was "do you submit?" My answer was always "yes." It may be different in your case or the OP's case. It's a crap shoot - it is ALWAYS a crap shoot. Staying may be the worst decision she ever makes - or it might turn out to be the best. There's just no way of knowing. I've been fortunate. This August marks 5 years for me. We're still going strong and I can't begin to imagine life being any different for me. If I'd taken the stance that the OP is taking, we wouldn't have lasted 5 months. I wouldn't give up one day of these past 5 years - even the days that tears are flowing like rain. Even when it's been bad - it's been good.
I should say that along the way, we also found "our restaurant," participated in our favorite pasttimes together, had mock arguments over who was the better fisherman, worked on boats together, laughed a LOT, cried some, dealt with life and death and all the stuff in between. It's ALWAYS been spicey - never boring. That's why instead of changing him, she needs to find a better way of looking at things. The question isn't what will he do. The question is does she enjoy being with him. Cause if the answer is that she does, then all the rest is workable - at least in my opinion.
Perhaps instead of trying to get him to change to become what she thinks she wants, she might just consider asking him what his philosophies regarding D/s are and if he's working toward something that she's just not understanding at this point. (He might not even have any - which is it's own indicator if you think about this.) Perhaps it'd serve her better to ask for help in understanding him rather than demanding that he understand her. At the very least, asking these kinds of questions will help her determine if what she believes about D/s is similar to what he believes about D/s. That should help a LOT.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps. It's up to her - does she submit or does she not?. The answer to that will help to determine her next step - whatever that may be.
juliet
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