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Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 10:12:11 AM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		i've been under my Dom's wing now for about 5 months and now i'm starting to seriously reconsider our relationship. He was easy, i mean real easy let me get away with everything in the beginning. So i've talked to him about stepping it up to be even more firm with me. Yea he's done it, but it seems like he's afraid of hurting me and bringing back old painful memories of my past. And to me he's only into the play part and i don't think he takes this seriously. He's older than i am, by at least 18 years, but is only into training girls and into spankings. i have as well talked to him about possible collaring and a full time, since he can only play whenever his work allows. Yet he isn't into collaring or full time. i'm starting to get frustrated that everytime i suggest he step it up, he does to a degree than it feels like he backs down again. He's great in a sense that he takes me out for lunch/early dinner, and i'm in no way complaining about it.
  So my question is: Is he just dragging me around just because? Or should i trust my instincts and try to find someone else? i just feel hopelessly lost and frustrated. Any advice, positive or negative would help me out.
    Thank you
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 10:22:36 AM   
countrygirl69


Posts: 36
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline 		I do not pretend to know everything or even anything ,but it seems he isnt what your wanting ,yes he is fun and takes you out but it seems to me your wanting more then he can give you ,he seems to try but it just isnt in him .its something you have to decide for yourself .if your telling him one thing and he goes in the other direction thats a clue .

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 10:27:37 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Is there some reason you don't want to trust your own instincts? If the two of you aren't compatible, then you're not compatible. No harm, no foul. It's not like you've devoted years of your life to this guy, it's only been five months which is, relatively speaking, a fairly short period of time. Just be honest with him and move on. Maybe you two can remain friends, but D/s just doesn't seem to be in the cards for the two of you as partners.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 10:30:31 AM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		the old cliche can u live with Him or without Him.

If u aren't happy more than miserable it isnt a match..

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 10:31:47 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

If the two of you aren't compatible, then you're not compatible.
Celeste


Egggzactly.
 
Have you and he sat down and really spoken about this?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 11:05:54 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What exactly is wrong other than YOU want to change who he is and always has been?  You came into this relationship (when just about everyone was telling you to slow down and not make a commitment so fast) fully and happy, apparently thinking either a) I can change him or b) it was so happy and intense you weren't even THINKING about the future.

Now he's who he has always been, and apparently the type who is going to need some time and help to get to "your level" and you're upset about that.

It's nice to see the SUB having to deal with this side for a change.  Usually it's the sub complaining "He wants more than I can give!"

Remember this is the same guy you have called trainer/mentor/dom all in the same place and only recently decided on "dom." 

I don't think HE is dragging anyone around- I think you willingly leaped into this and are now upset because he's not changing into who you want him to change into.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 11:29:08 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't think HE is dragging anyone around- I think you willingly leaped into this and are now upset because he's not changing into who you want him to change into.



In the immortal words of SimplyMichael...

"Dont you hate it when the Doms dont do it your way?"



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 11:40:24 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It sounds like you want him to change...and change into something he's not wanting to become. If you can't accept him as he is, you have two choices: change yourself or find someone who better matches what you wanted to begin with. It's up to you to decide which one makes you happier and is more fulfilling.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 11:49:30 AM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn

i've been under my Dom's wing now for about 5 months and now i'm starting to seriously reconsider our relationship.

...So my question is: Is he just dragging me around just because? Or should i trust my instincts and try to find someone else? i just feel hopelessly lost and frustrated. Any advice, positive or negative would help me out.
  Thank you


Hello grlneedstolearn.

Translation of first question: Is he committed to me?
Translation of second question: Am I committed to him?
Translation of third question: After 5 months, my "instincts" are to be trusted?

Before answering, you say you asked for collaring and full time D/s after less than 5 months. I do not know of many people who would do "full time" just after such a short period.

First answer: Is he committed to you at the level you expect after 5 months?: No.
Second answer: Are you committed to him at the level he expects?: No.
Third answer: Are my instincts to be trusted?: No. The same "instincts" got you into this, right?

Advice: When you look for a partner as if he was a "solution" to what is "missing" in your life, this "human-solution" will eventually turn into "the human-problem". It is inevitable. You are lucky, only 5 months! could be more, I assure you.

It is clear you do not have an handle either on the selection of a partner, or the short term adaption skills needed to inspire confidence (of long term possibilities) in your selected partner.

Either work on your "selection" skills or examine your motivations (or expectations): Do you want more commitment from the other, than you are "really" willing to give? Are you really serious about long term D/s? (Where is the acceptance, patience, submission, surrender and satisfaction that comes from pleasing your dominant?).

As for selection of partner? Does he want long term D/s? If not, why do you think you can change this? RL.


Edit: Typo





(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 11:55:31 AM   
Dane


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline 		I've watched women who needed more extreme control "teach" and beg and pressure and cajole men who were into much lighter kink to become what the woman needed. This isn't fair to either of you. If he were interested in that much control, he would not keep backing down from it.

Why not simply find someone who is compatible with you at the level of control that you are seeking, instead of frustrating both of you?

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 12:24:22 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		To probably clarify this further: i was not looking for anything long term, and yes i did meet him on another site and we became friends and started talking way before we even met. i asked him about the collaring and 24/7 to see what he would say, this was during our conversations that we have frequently; meaning of what we should change if anything. So yes i have talked to him, not being serious but because the topic of collaring and living 24/7 came up due to another topic that he was talking about. i don't want him to change, but to try to see that i need things differently and to see if we can work on it together. It's a very open relationship between us and we can talk to each other about anything, and yes LA i mention mentor/tutor, etc until he started referring himself as my Dom. Hope this clarifies somethings that you all may have questions on. And from what i gathered from reading all your posts, ty by the way, is to leave. And that was my instinict to begin with, but i basically just needed to make sure that's what i really want and need. So yes, on Monday i will talk to him and see what he says.

(in reply to Dane)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 12:27:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		No, my advice is more take responsibility for yourself and your choices.  You're trying to blame all this on him and avoid the very situation YOU chose for yourself and YOU have created. 

Until you take responsibility for your choices, and the consequences they bring to you, then you will continue to make this mistake.

Your wording of "I don't want him to change I just try and see things differently and what I need" equates to "I dont want him to change, except in the ways that I want him to change"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 12:39:35 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		 He can change if he wants, but i'm also saying that maybe we can both change for the better and try to work it out

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 1:03:09 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that you already know you two aren't ever going to be compatible, but you want to hold onto that which is familiar rather than seek someone new.  It's understandable to want the comfort of someone you have already established a bond with and not have to start over with another person. 

People do this every day by staying in unhappy marriages and relationships because the comfort of security and familiarity feels good, even if everything else sucks.

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 1:38:24 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		You both need to sit down and discuss what the both of you want and need. Then agree that it will or will not work with the two of you.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 2:09:03 PM   
PAcpllooking


Posts: 73
Joined: 5/14/2004
Status: offline 		Bottomline, he isnt into what you need. Seems he is into training, playing and noy much else. Some Doms are like that, some dont want to do the work needed, some are just into it part time, some dont understand a sub's mindset and usually they dont change patterns sooooooooooo what you got now is what you will probably have forever.

William

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 2:11:31 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm more concerned she's starting up a pattern of slingshotting herself into a serious of relationships- each one ending because "they aren't good enough" and each one easily avoidable if time had been taken BEFORE making a commitment.  That she's still too hung up on the kink highs that when real life kicks in, she cuts and run to the next "new relationship energy source."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to PAcpllooking)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 5:23:02 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn

He can change if he wants, but i'm also saying that maybe we can both change for the better and try to work it out


This is the key statement right here. IF he wants to change. Listen to the good advice here, don't try to force him to change for you. By doing so, you'll only make matters worse. If you and him are not compatible, walk away and honestly seek one who is more fitting to your needs and vice versa.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 6:27:38 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		OP...seriously....sit...talk...BOTTOM line things...and when ALL the cards are on the table, you will know weather to fold and go home...or stay and play your hand...

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Getting upset with My Dom - 7/14/2007 8:59:42 PM   
BlackWolfSwitch


Posts: 40
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I'd have to agree with a few here on a few aspects.

You should sit down and talk to the guy, see if you two can work it out or if it's just that you're incompatible.
Also, what was said about trying to make another person as you want them... it doesn't work on Doms. Keep trying, but you'll keep failing.

Your call in the end, remember that.


_____________________________

"Command of the collar, or submission to wear it. It's your choice. My choice is to know what I like from both."

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 20
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