Body image issues and BDSM (Full Version)

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octavia -> Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:24:25 AM)

Bossyshoebitch's thread about big men  and some of her comments got me to thinking about the body image issues I've been dealing with lately. 
Before my 13 year vanilla marriage I had a pretty good body image.  I had a boyfriend (D/s) who thought I was hot, and our sex was hot and well.. I felt hot.  [:D]  I would look in the mirror and see beautiful breasts, a nice ass and a so-so torso.... stupid tummy has always been trouble spot).  All good.

Then, 13 year vanilla marriage that was totally cursed with bad sex.  I didnt feel like he found me attractive, he gained weight, I gained weight, I started to feel ugly... Long story short, by the end of it, when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a very ugly, unattractive, woman. 

One of my biggest fears with bdsm sex was that I would be required to be totally naked in front of someone and not have the control to make sure I was being presented in the best possible light.  ie, keep the covers on certain parts of my body etc.  Well, my worst fears were realized and I spent a fantastic weekend with a Dom in San Fran and had to do just that.  Ratbastard made me get all nakie.  Then... he told me over and over again how beautiful I was.  He rubbed my ickie tummy and told me it was beautiful too, that i was beautiful just the way I am.  Now here is where it gets interesting.  So...

After this Dom made me expose myself just as i am, then he not only accepted me as i am, but took joy in it, I look in the mirror and
magically I see the beautiful breasts, nice ass and so-so torso again.... (only so much magic thinking will do, i need to lose some damn weight still)

My experience with this has really opened my eyes to the fact that how i see myself even is relative, relative to my attitude about myself.  I had NO IDEA t hat the whole time I was seeing an ugly woman in the mirror, I had the power to change that, to see myself differently just by changing my percpective.  It feels magical to me that I am seeing the same breasts that were there a year ago and today I think they are hot, but a year ago i was conviced that the same chi chi's would never be able to be fully seen in a sexual light and be able to turn anyone on. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:27:31 AM)

Really hard to say what this connects to in bdsm.  Most people in bdsm are fucked up in any number of ways- physically, mentally, emotionally.  Are "we" fucked up higher than the vanilla population?  I actually would guess that yes, there is a higher percentage of fucked up people in the scene than not.

There are actually IMO more very overweight people in the scene vs not.

I also don't think "bdsm" helps anyone- I think a sense of belonging, sense of security, sense of bonding and fulfillment is what helps someone.  BDSM just happens to be where that is for that person.

Unless it's a FALSE sense of security, and then it only lasts a year before the person has another breakdown, decided to "leave the scene forever" and then goes back to vanilla.



LadyMaraSedai -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:31:18 AM)

I know I have "body image" issues...  How can I not?  I am 5 ft tall, 225 lbs with lousy skin and crappy hair[:'(].  I am in the process of changing all that though.  I was 245 lbs.  Its a start.  Now if only I could grow a few inches, change my complexion and buy a wig.......[:D]



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:41:34 AM)

I think being in a sexually friendly scene, such as they many layers of bdsm, tends to lead to alot more tolerence for imperfection. Vanilla's generally have a larger pool to choose from and their own experiences color their reaction to others. They may not tolerate or find someone who is not perfect as attractive, or they may enjoy the release of sex, but not really be able to relax and enjoy the whole experience involved. Lifestyle folkes on the other hand are more open generally sexually and therefore have less hangups about modesty etc.... It is amazing how being around another naked person (or group of people) quickly can lead to being more comfortable in your own skin than you thought possible.

Sadly i am one of those people who dresses up well....the naked isn't as attractive, but it doesn't stop me from having fun.... and after a little bit the sensation is more important than looks anyhow



switchsecrets -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:42:26 AM)

I'm new to bdsm, other than reading and chatting about it, but i'll say that it's changed my feelings toward body image. i happen to maintain a healthy body and work out in the gym and before bdsm, I would only look at woman that was no more than 10lbs overweight. but, now the mindset, attitude, chemistry and role outweigh the physical side of it. i find a heavier woman sexy if the confidence and attitude is there. i'd have to admit that my preference of a heavier woman would be as Domme. but, that's just me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:46:09 AM)

Sexually friendly scene hahahahah!!!!  Ask how many scene people would be fine and happy with people having and enjoy sex at clubs.

We're a kink friendly scene who likes to talk about sex.  When it comes to actual sex, we're as prudish and as fucked up as any vanilla.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:50:58 AM)

I guess i have different friends....



Laura -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 11:57:41 AM)

You're always going to be in trouble if you rely on other people for your own self image. I had a marriage where my ex became a jerk. I gained a lot of weight and a divorce eventually. Then, dating hell the last few years. You take a LOT of knocks if you look to men to give you a positive self/ body image. Most men will knock you down cause they are in a hurry to find some other more perfect female body.

You really have to believe you are just fine the way you are, yourself. It's never going to work if you have to have a second opinion. Good luck.



MsAngelique78 -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:04:10 PM)

I think in general it is very difficult to have a healthy body image. If one is thin they crave to be curvy and if one is curvy they crave to be thin. Me personally, I have always been "non-thin"...I was into sports and rough-housing and not worried about perpetuating the stereotypical Woman. (Still am). I am quite happy with who I am because I have a healthy frame. I am not thin and I am not huge. I am happily someplace in the gray. I think that if people allow the opinion of others to define their self-worth then they will never truly be happy. For those who submit to Me, I do reassure them, try to banish ideas of poor body image, but I do not think they should base their self-worth on My opinion. As is it their self-worth!



Quivver -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:11:33 PM)

Body image may not be directly related to BDSM, but it sure can effect it! 

I have a poor body image.  Like Hereyesruponyou said, "i am one of those people who dresses up well....the naked isn't as attractive"  where we differ is it ~can~ hinder me from having fun.  So, is it a lifestyle issue or personal?  One effects the other.  I stress over getting naked due to creating a pleasing picture dressed,
(when we all know Dominant Men mentally remove our clothing long before it comes off)  I'm always fretting over the possibility of him thinking
"oh my god that's not at all what i had pictured!"  [:'(] 








Quivver -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:14:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

You're always going to be in trouble if you rely on other people for your own self image. I had a marriage where my ex became a jerk. I gained a lot of weight and a divorce eventually. Then, dating hell the last few years. You take a LOT of knocks if you look to men to give you a positive self/ body image. Most men will knock you down cause they are in a hurry to find some other more perfect female body.

You really have to believe you are just fine the way you are, yourself. It's never going to work if you have to have a second opinion. Good luck.



Although I agree Laura that we need to find acceptance within ourselves, who ever it is we are standing naked before as we cringe is one we've chosen to give ourselves to.  That investment alone when we want to please them makes that second opinion pretty dam important!



CreativeDominant -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:14:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

Bossyshoebitch's thread about big men  and some of her comments got me to thinking about the body image issues I've been dealing with lately. 
Before my 13 year vanilla marriage I had a pretty good body image.  I had a boyfriend (D/s) who thought I was hot, and our sex was hot and well.. I felt hot.  [:D]  I would look in the mirror and see beautiful breasts, a nice ass and a so-so torso.... stupid tummy has always been trouble spot).  All good.

Then, 13 year vanilla marriage that was totally cursed with bad sex.  I didnt feel like he found me attractive, he gained weight, I gained weight, I started to feel ugly... Long story short, by the end of it, when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a very ugly, unattractive, woman. 

One of my biggest fears with bdsm sex was that I would be required to be totally naked in front of someone and not have the control to make sure I was being presented in the best possible light.  ie, keep the covers on certain parts of my body etc.  Well, my worst fears were realized and I spent a fantastic weekend with a Dom in San Fran and had to do just that.  Ratbastard made me get all nakie.  Then... he told me over and over again how beautiful I was.  He rubbed my ickie tummy and told me it was beautiful too, that i was beautiful just the way I am.  Now here is where it gets interesting.  So...

After this Dom made me expose myself just as i am, then he not only accepted me as i am, but took joy in it, I look in the mirror and
magically I see the beautiful breasts, nice ass and so-so torso again.... (only so much magic thinking will do, i need to lose some damn weight still)

My experience with this has really opened my eyes to the fact that how i see myself even is relative, relative to my attitude about myself.  I had NO IDEA t hat the whole time I was seeing an ugly woman in the mirror, I had the power to change that, to see myself differently just by changing my percpective.  It feels magical to me that I am seeing the same breasts that were there a year ago and today I think they are hot, but a year ago i was conviced that the same chi chi's would never be able to be fully seen in a sexual light and be able to turn anyone on. 


I think a person has to be honest with themselves.  When I look in the mirror, I see a 52 year old guy who has a remarkable, halo-burnt hairline.  He has a decent chest, a decent waist and definitely a good ass.  He is overweight but he has lost 25 pounds since last Xmas and continues to do so.  I've never been overly enamored of my own looks but I do my best to make what I do have look good.  LA mentioned one time that she doesn't have the greatest teeth...I don't either but I try my hardest to take care of them too and when more pressing financial obligations are out of the way, who knows?  I may explore some other options with the teeth BUT I may not.  I managed to have two beautiful wives and have dated several women that most would consider downright lovely, including my three long-term submissives.  Those opinions...and my family's...and my own have helped me build a self-image that sees that I am no Tom Cruise but I am not exactly Godzilla either.  I am, like most people, remarkably average.

But a damn fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine looking average...[;)]



Laura -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:25:49 PM)

The weird thing is... if I am standing naked with someone I don't care what I look like at that point. If I get to the point where I choose to be sexually intimate I am usually so high on sexual energy that I totally forget to think about how I look. After.. in the morning or before... I am thinking plenty. But,. I've never been in bed and stopped to think about how fat I'm going to look to him.

Of course... having just said that... now I will. lol It's some sort of curse that as soon as you tell someone you never do something you begin to do it.



GhitaAmati -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:36:34 PM)

One of the things that drew me into the active BDSM scene all those years ago was how "openly" accepting everyone was of others body style. I say openly in quotes because I have no idea how many people were laughing and making rude comments after they left and got in their private cars. But over and over I saw "non model proportioned" women being called sexy and beautiful and not getting rediculed for wearing leather bikinis. I will admit with LA that there seem to be alot of overweight folks at fetish events...but I think maybe thats because its one of the few places they can feel sexy. Im not a BBW, but neither am I a tall, thin model, ive got more of that "athletic" figure and had pretty low self-esteem coming right out of high school. The BDSM community helped me see that I am who I am. I spent years working on my figure, only to have three kids and realize Im fighting a loosing battle with gravity. There is no way in the world I would walk onto daytona beach with a bikini on, but I have no problem climbing naked onto a spanking bench at a play party....



hejira92 -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:37:33 PM)

I was in rotten marriage with bad sex for 18 years. Boy, do I hear you. I was so unhappy and sexually unfulfilled I hid behind my weight- "I am so fat, of course he won't have sex with me" kind of thing. When it finally ended, I dropped 30 lbs that first year. I was finally having decent sex (it wasn't until the end of the first year out that I was introduced to BDSM) and you'd think my body image would have improved. But here's the thing- and you touched upon it in the OP - it's not what your body looks like, it's how you comfortable you feel in it. I went from a 12-14 to a 6, but all I saw when I looked in the mirror was flaws, flaws, flaws. Master has done much to help me see myself as He does, but, oh, I remember the feeling of wanting to hide from His eyes so He wouldn't see how unattractive I really am. Now, He has me wear 4 inch heels, so I'm 6 feet tall, and sexy, tight clothes and likes to see me amazed at the attention I get. I always saw myself as the cute girl's chubby best friend (as I was in H.S.), but Master is making me realize that I am a beauty, too. I am learning to accept the flaws (three 8lb babies take their toll), and revel in the joy that my body can bring both of us. 



octavia -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:45:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Really hard to say what this connects to in bdsm. ... 

It relates because there is no way in hell I would have stripped naked on my own accord in a vanilla encounter.  The fact that i gave this man the authority over me to command me to do so, is what lead to this little breakthough.  I do agree that self esteem and positive self image is a personal thing and no one outside of ourselves can make it happen or make it not happen, however, we are social creatures, and it is through our interaction with each other that we grow, change, and develop into the people we are meant to be.  No one standing in a vacuum, changes.  We change as we interact with our environment.  My original post wasn't about my weight, or my body type, or anything other than my budding acceptance and appriciation for my own sexual attractiveness right where it is.  I see myself more as "damn sexy" now and the more I accomplish towards my fitness goals the closer I get to "fooking knock out damn sexy" [;)]



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 12:54:05 PM)

I feel like self image is important along with body image, both of mine suck...and i'm working on it...[:(]



BoiJen -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 1:15:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Sexually friendly scene hahahahah!!!!  Ask how many scene people would be fine and happy with people having and enjoy sex at clubs.

We're a kink friendly scene who likes to talk about sex.  When it comes to actual sex, we're as prudish and as fucked up as any vanilla.


We don't always see eye to eye but I definately agree with you here. I prefer playing at home or during house parties with friends because I can enjoy the S/m sex that I crave. I don't think very many people in the scene actually do the S/m sex thing other than being tied to a bed or getting spanked once or twice before getting off. I think plenty of people due to poor self image on many levels look toward the BDSM and Leather community because they see a large group of fairly unattractive, overweight people and think they look good compared to the rest. It's a false sense of security.

My own story, I had poor self image issues prior to where I'm at now because of somethings my ex used to say to me. And because that was torwrad the end of our relationship I'm coming to realize that ahd to do with being as mean as possible than anything of my own image. It took being open about myself image to my friends and working past that. Not the scene itself. This is more on personal issues than the scene.



proudsub -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 1:18:38 PM)

For those with body image issues you might find this article and thread helpful:

body image



SlND3R3LLA -> RE: Body image issues and BDSM (7/14/2007 1:29:27 PM)

I know in the beginning I was always worried about what I looked like, did I look stupid, do I look thinner this direction, is my make-up messy...blah, blah, blah.  I finally one day decided I really didn't give a crap.  My Master was with me, he chose me, put the collar around my neck..did I think he wouldn't have the good sense to pick someone that was hot?
 
Now I get naked on a whim, meet him on my knees, and am just all around more comfortable with my body.  I wear tops that show my body, never did that before at all, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks.
 
Life is too short to worry about it all of the time, and stress out about a wrinkle here, a fat role there.  It's your skin, it makes you beautiful, learn to enjoy it.
 
~Sin



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