RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 9:55:25 AM

GhitaAmati

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Joined: 5/30/2007
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I think something becomes an addiction when it interfers with all other aspects of your life. My Sir has a hobby. He collects indian artifacts. I would say he was addicted. He skipped the birth (and death) of one child because he was outside digging up rocks. (This was long before he met me). I understand that this is a passion of his, and we work around it now. This is one of the few aspects of our relationship where I have decided I cant respond as a submissive. Years ago when our relationship first started and I saw how he was when he was digging, I told him that I will not stick around with someone who chooses rocks over his family. He sat down and thought about it, and decided I was worth more to him than the artifacts. He agreed to back down his digging to once a week (sometimes doesnt go at all during a week if we have things planned). I agreed to not expect him home at any decent hour once he is out there. Once he begins digging, he wont pack up and leave until he honestly cant see the shovel in front of him...and sometimes he digs with a lantern. Two days after having his baby, I was still in the hospital and he wanted to leave to go dig. I told him I hoped he enjoyed living in his truck from now on. He stayed in the hospital. He has gone digging on days we are supposed to be somewhere at a certain time, and never showed up at home until we were hours late for wherever we were supposed to be. Do I think giving him an ultimatum makes me any less of a submissive? No, not to me...I see my reminding him that he has other priorities he needs to think about first as just another part of my serive to him.

Sit down, think about things for a bit. If your submissive honestly needed you to be somewhere...emotionally for her...could you stop whatever you are doing and be there for her? You have made a commitment to a living breathing human being. If your gambling interfers with your ablility to keep that commitment, I would call it an addiction. If you can keep all the other commitments in your life, relationship, family, carreer, bills, your own heath...and still have time for your gambling, it is a hobby. If the gambling comes before your other commitments, its an addiction.

ghita~

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 10:02:11 AM

NefertariReborn

Posts: 381
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley

quote:

ORIGINAL: NefertariReborn
Ummmmmmmm still waiting for her to recognize her addiction to him!!! He's said so long, farewell, (the german word), goodnight....what next does he need to do? Pack her up and put her out???? Stop whining.

It is true that the current apartment is in my name and I could just kick him out so he could find a sublet somewhere, but I'd rather deal with the messiness a few weeks longer.

*gives you a V8* Ummmmmmmm it's in your name and you're moving out?????? he could find one but you would rather this route......Are you hoping in the messiness of the few weeks he changes his mind? I don't know whether to attribute it to the Domme in Me or the woman in Me but he'd be packing his bundles. He sounds like an organized financially responsible person. I think he could handle it. Then again that's just Me.

To Poker: For godsake take this woman out of her misery. Find your own place and move. Quick, fast and in a hurry!

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 10:55:50 AM

VeryMercurial

Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
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As others have mentioned, you are co-dependent on this man.
You are allowing him to engage and thrive in his addiction.
Let him go, maybe when he hits rock bottom he will want to get help
for his addiction.

(in reply to ladychatterley)

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 6:02:22 PM

Corve

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/23/2006
From: Boca Raton
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To submit your life and body to a dom or master does not mandate that you stop loving yourself. You have reinforced his addiction in serving the needs and helping his habit. The hole will only get deeper. You might think you will serve him better by leaving instead of enabling.

Master Corve

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 8:44:20 PM

ladychatterley

Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
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I'm leaving him! Yes, I'm trying to do it with as little unnecessary problems as possible. Yes, we are kind to each other. Yes, I wish him lasting joy and vitality and connection. Yes, I still love him. But I'm leaving him. I've told him that we will have a no contact period, and I've told him that I don't think I can have him as a friend in my life, because he would take up too much of the energy that I need to have for someone else (although I hope at some point we could be friends again). Perhaps, I could 'help' him hit bottom quicker if I kicked him out immediately, and was melodramatic, but I don't have the energy to create negative energy in my life. Because I fully explored possiblities and tried to figure out what was going on, I have few regrets and I think I'm truly disentangling emotionally. But I do have 3 dates lined up for the weekend with 3 different guys. (The reason I'm letting him keep the apartment is that I was trying to move out long ago--I don't like where I live and found a dream house--I just waiting for paperwork to go through.)

< Message edited by ladychatterley -- 7/19/2007 9:26:25 PM >

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 8:46:43 PM

MzMia

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YEAH!!!!!
Good for you, LadyChatterley!
3 dates lined up? dream house?

I think I am jealous!
Seriously, I am happy you are doing what you need to do to take care of you!

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Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

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"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 9:12:29 PM

NefertariReborn

Posts: 381
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

YEAH!!!!!
Good for you, LadyChatterley!
3 dates lined up? dream house?

I think I am jealous!
Seriously, I am happy you are doing what you need to do to take care of you!

I had a wonderful cynical reply but I realize when it gets to that point, it's time for a Bahamvention - Bacardi Raz and cranberry juice - and another thread. No more reading this one, may become an alcoholic.

Edited to add that the cynicism wasn't directed at you, Mia.

< Message edited by NefertariReborn -- 7/19/2007 9:13:56 PM >

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 9:18:52 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NefertariReborn

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

YEAH!!!!!
Good for you, LadyChatterley!
3 dates lined up? dream house?

I think I am jealous!
Seriously, I am happy you are doing what you need to do to take care of you!

I had a wonderful cynical reply but I realize when it gets to that point, it's time for a Bahamvention - Bacardi Raz and cranberry juice - and another thread. No more reading this one, may become an alcoholic.

Edited to add that the cynicism wasn't directed at you, Mia.

....

I want a Bahamvention...

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 7/19/2007 9:19:14 PM >

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 9:20:25 PM

MzMia

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me too.

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Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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Post #: 69

RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/19/2007 10:01:28 PM

wannabesub67

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/7/2007
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What you are going through is only natural but there is only one thing you can actually do about the situation, take care of yorself! I do not mean you cannot love him or be there for him, but as the mother of a teenage addict I have had to work long and hard to realize that while I love him, I cannot fix him. That goes for any relationship. It is best to heal yourself, and the effects his addiction has had on you, if you don't, even if he struggles and over comes his addiction, you will not be able to help and support him in a way that is healthy for his recovery.

If you want to talk further on this I will gladly give you personal stories and insights! Just send me a message, I will be here for you as I understand your love for an addict! And we should all applaud you for not falling into the addiction with him!

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/20/2007 12:28:50 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley

I could just kick him out so he could find a sublet somewhere, but I'd rather deal with the messiness a few weeks longer.

~trying to approach gently~

If you find yourself using this to be a martyr ("See what a generous person I am? I'm letting you keep MY apartment!") and a way in which to "make him pay" (i.e. long tearful sighs as you're packing) and if you are using "three different guys / three different dates" to manipulate him into feeling the sort of anger you feel, it's time to let it go.

As one recovering codependent to someone with recognizable symptoms, you're going to have to battle this ugly beast before you can hope to have a fufilling relationship with anyone. Patterns repeat themselves until they are recognized and dealt with. (They still repeat but with practice with recovery behaviors you can recognize it before it gets too far out of control.) I wish you luck, I wish you well.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/29/2007 12:39:50 PM

ThePrincessBych

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Joined: 10/17/2006
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An addiction is a disease...such as cancer, diabetes,etc... It is a psychological disease. I also had an opiate dependency for 3 yrs that totally controlled my ENTIRE life. He isnt choosing his addiction over you, even though it feels that way... its a sickness and he cant help himself...It is impossible to stop on his own..Perhaps the 2 of you need to go to counseling together? He needs treatment...treatment isnt just for drug or alcohol addiction, it is also for gambling, shopping, all kinds of addiction. This is NOT your fault in any way...unless of you course you give him money and are an enabler, which most loved ones are..just because you care about him...I would seriously try to get him into a treatment program and go to counsling together, he needs a strong support system or he will fail. If all else fails, call Intervention...they help with gambling addictions...I wish the very best of luck. having been there, I know its horrible..and I almost lost my entire family over it...

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RE: Addiction and a Sub's Demands - 7/29/2007 4:24:24 PM

luckycharmpoppet

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/14/2005
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This may be later, but better late than never, right?

Addiction is such a tricky thing. You dont control the addiction, the addiction controls you. It takes 30 days to make a habit and 30 days to break a habit.

He's not choosing the addiction over you, but that's how it feels, I know. The addiction is choosing him over you. He wont quit until he's ready to. It doesnt matter how much pressure you put on him, or how many ultimatums you give him or how much he loses.

Just stay strong, offer him support and love, but most importantly, take care of yourself.

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Post #: 73