RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category'

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

obis -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 8:32:17 PM)
littlesarbonn is 100% correct. "Let's be friends" is a consolation prize women hand out when they don't find you attractive enough at that point, and accepting it shows that you are not the kind of man they ever want in their life romantically. I'm sure many women will disagree vehemently with this statement, but ask any guy who is very successful with women and he'll confirm it is completely true. It's just one of those games women play that many of them don't even realize they're playing. If you're interested in a woman romantically and she says "let's be friends" the ONLY acceptable response is something along the lines of "I don't think of you in a friendly way, so that simply won't work for me" or one of the examples littlesarbonn gave in his message. Showing confidence in your worth is not the opposite of being submissive. If you accept emotional table scraps, you'll never get anything better except by sheer luck. Demand what you need, and if it isn't enough then say "thank you" and move on. You wouldn't accept a job that only paid $2/hour, because you know you couldn't live on it. So don't accept a relationship that pays equally poorly.

NefertariReborn -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 9:35:57 PM)
I'm a firm believer in the view that We consciously or unconsciously attract the kind of people who show up into our lives. We send out little signals that say "vacancy." Are you sending out the signal that says, I don't want anything more than to hear about your bad relationships, offer advice, or share a laugh for a while. Be unavailable. Might seem like you're playing a game, but honestly, sometimes say no I'm not available.

Grlwithboy -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 9:49:59 PM)
If you view friends only as a waste of time you are shutting yourself out of one of the most useful, tried-and-true, awesome truths this little universe holds. Totally self-serving to those who can think beyond one step at a time: Dude, friends HAVE friends.

domiguy -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 10:06:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50 I have lots of male friends, Doms and vanilla...and it doesnt mean go away at all. I'm not sure, but what I think you have are acquaintances. I might be splitting hairs....Friends are rare. With friends there is a connection...It's not the passing "hello how ya' doing?" It's a choice and a priviledge to have someone as a friend. It's a matter of substance...Someone who actually gets you...It's deep.

octavia -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 10:29:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy If you view friends only as a waste of time you are shutting yourself out of one of the most useful, tried-and-true, awesome truths this little universe holds. Totally self-serving to those who can think beyond one step at a time: Dude, friends HAVE friends. [:D]LOL[:D]

hideandseek -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 11:44:37 PM)
I love having friends in the lifestyle, especially since I'm new. They've really guided me through this process.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 3:25:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy quote: ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50 I have lots of male friends, Doms and vanilla...and it doesnt mean go away at all. I'm not sure, but what I think you have are acquaintances. I might be splitting hairs....Friends are rare. With friends there is a connection...It's not the passing "hello how ya' doing?" It's a choice and a priviledge to have someone as a friend. It's a matter of substance...Someone who actually gets you...It's deep. They are my friends, not acquaintances. We have been through alot together, good and bad. I wouldnt have made it through have of the crap I've had to deal with without them. They were there for me.

bandit25 -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 3:37:59 AM)
Maybe, but then again maybe no. I don't think I hand out let's be friends as a consolation prize. If I don't like the guy at all, I don't want to be his friend. If I do, but don't find him attractive in "that way", then it's his choice...be my friend or not...totally up to him. I could have read your post wrong, but it sounds like you meant it in a negative way. I don't consider being my friend negative. In fact, just the opposite. If you're my friend, you're pretty much stuck with me for life. That's a good thing..I think.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 6:11:58 AM)
why does being someone's friend have to be dreaded? i feel it's an honor being someone's friend when they need a shoulder to cry on or seek advice. i many friends (on and offline) whom i trust (and my trust is hard to come by these days) yet there are some who i consider as casual acquaintances. however if i'm seeking something more than friendship, the person will know.

KMsAngel -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 6:30:36 AM)
so when i send you those tim tams, will i get to be in the really friendly acquaintances list?? and if i tell you how to do the super secret tim tam suck i might be a "special" really friendly acquaintance!![:D]?

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 6:35:01 AM)
i tend to look at meeting new people as the chance to make a new friend.......if something else happens-great...if not-great too

domiguy -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 7:12:16 AM)
My analogy is more on the high school dating scene and mentality...That this thread is alluding too...Where lil' cute subsusie clutching her Hello Kitty back pack...Says, "Ah geez domiguy, you are swell and everything but I think it would be nice if we could just remain friends." It is the slight brush off...A nice way to say..."Aint no way in Hell that you are ever gonna tap all of this...Uh huh."

subfever -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 7:20:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn quote: ORIGINAL: salilus That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant. A female dominant on these boards and I were talking at one time about this (this used to be one of my standard complaints), and she said something that made complete sense, and I've been living my life by that mantra ever since. The jist of it is: If a woman tells you at the beginning stages of a relationship that either a: She wants to be friends, or b: She isn't ready for a relationship right now but would rather be friends (and still manages to be dating others who treat her bad, cheat on her, steal out of her wallet, etc., what that really means is she does want a relationship. Just not with you. I can't tell you how many female friends I have in my life. It's absurd. Yes, I'm that guy they can call in the middle of the night and pour their heart out to, knowing I'll always listen, and no matter how bad the other guy treated them, they're still going to make the comment "I wish I could find someone like you" and still go back to the other abusive guy. But that's okay because the women who I have as friends I actually value as friends, as the word "friend" really means something to me, not just as a placeholder for "not interested in me". So, I started treating this differently since discovering that. Yes, women will probably hate me for saying this, but I'm not really going to apologize because it has made my life a lot simpler and less hectic. I'll give you an example of an exchange that happened last year at the university where I am a grad student. A very attractive female grad student started last year and we finally had a moment to sit down and talk. At one point, her flirtatous attitude indicates to me that she finds me interesting and is quite interested in hearing more about me. So, I start to inquire "relationship"-wise. She blurted out. "I don't really see you that way. I see you more as a friend. A really good one." I smile, nod, and say: "I appreciate it, but all my friends are people I've dated. It usually takes a long time to become a friend with me. I don't see that happening. So, good luck to you." So, all during last year, this woman was hanging on my every word, interested in everything I said, wrote and discussed. She came by my office and wanted to hang out with me, constantly inviting me to "grab a bite or some coffee". Halfway through the semester, she comes by my office and tells me about how she broke up with her boyfriend and then wants to tell me the whole story. I smile, nod, and say: "I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable discussing intimate subjects with someone I'm not involved with." Rest of semester, she won't leave my office whenever I'm around. Tells me, she's been "thinking" about me. She had a dream about me the other night. All that sort of stuff. Close to the end of the semester, she visits my office and asks: "How come we never got together? We seem so alike." I look up from my book and respond: "I'm very particular about the women I date. I have special needs." And I leave it at that. Received an email from her the other day, stating that she was looking forward to seeing me again when the semester starts. Gave an indication she discovered some "info" and is anxious to talk to me when we get together. If she shows up on the first day in black leather and a whip, I'll have a good idea what "info" she discovered. And if she does, I'll introduce her to the woman I'm dating. That ought to be interesting. IMO... you couldn't have handled your student any better. And you're absolutely correct when you said that when a woman says she's "not looking for a relationship right now" or she's "just looking to be friends," what she really means far more often than not, is that she's not looking for a relationship with you.

obis -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 8:14:35 AM)
Nobody is saying friends are bad, or that having friends or being friends is a bad thing. But the OP is complaining that it's all the women he's interested in want to be with him, so that's the perspective our answers are coming from. Friends are great, but if he wants to be more than friends with someone, then a friendship without even looking at the possibility of more can be painful and frustrating for him. It's either a brush-off as domiguy says, or it's her way of saying "gosh it would be nice for you to be my emotional crutch when I need you, but for everything fun I'll call someone else". Obviously a real, genuine friendship based on mutual trust and affection and uncomplicated by more is wonderful, but that's not what women mean 99% of the time when they say "let's just be friends" at the end of the first date. it's kind of like when someone says "it's not you, it's me -- i'm just not ready for a relationship right now". That's ridiculous, of course it's you -- if you were smarter, funnier, wealthier, more attractive, etc, that person wouldn't dream of letting you go.

AquaticSub -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 9:00:08 AM)
~Fast Reply~ As a woman who has used the "let's just be friends" line, it means both and only she knows what it means in the specific circumstance. I've used it as a gentle of way of saying "I just don't ever want to be with you" and really meaning that I value their friendship and I'd much rather have their friendship then them as a partner. As for why you are getting it... ask them. Tell them you can handle the answers and mean it. I told someone why I didn't want them as anything then a friend. Apprently they couldn't handle the truth.

subfever -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 9:25:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saint I know that for me, I am getting quite tired of being everyones friend. I just recently had a wonderful Domme tell me that I am a wonderful person to know, but she is afraid of ruining that by trying to be more with me. shakes head It is perplexing and I have to keep asking myself just what the hell am I doing wrong if I am such a wonderful guy and yet all anyone ever wants from me is friendship. Maybe I am a good guy to know, but should that be such a negative thing when looking for a person to be with? Do I need to be an asshole in order to find someone? It's obvious to me that LS, Obis, and Domiguy all "get it." My advice is to listen carefully to what they're saying, then figure out what you need to do to turn things around. The bottom line is that you're not attracting these women to you. They're simply not perceiving you as a potential significient other, playmate, lover, romance, etc. Consider the fact that the same initial attraction dynamics that are present in the vanilla world usually apply to BDSM as well... which is something that many malesubs tend to misunderstand. If you keep doing the same thing, you're most likely going to keep getting the same results.

SirDominic -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 9:49:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: salilus That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant. It seems to me that a lot of people responding are not getting the OP's problem. It's not that they do not want friends, it is that people they are interested in having a deeper relationship with consistently don't want to be anything more than "friends". salilus' comments, above, are a classic example of how to shoot yourself in the foot, if you are wanting a deeper relationship. When a guy comes across with the "shoulder to cry on" personality, he is pegging himself forever more in the "friends" category. As a friend she is looking for some gentle, caring. Not what she is looking for in a lover. There she wants excitement, passion, that feeling in her gut that this guy is a handful. It may not be fair, but that is the way it is. It is why so many women go for the "bad boy". He's not gentle or caring, but he is exciting, powerful. The bad boy is also vain, caring only for his needs, which is why his relationships are spectacular, but short. The trick is to come across as the bad boy, while retaining the caring, sensitive part of yourself that women will fall in love with over time. Namaste, Sir Dominic

slaverosebeauty -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 10:04:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saint How many submissives on here routinely meet someone within this lifestyle or outside of it while looking for a relationship and keep finding themselves in that whole dreaded friends category? MJ has been a great friends for over 3 years. We live 3 hours apart and we had MANY differences as far as likes, dislikes, etc went. So that kept anything from really ever 'happening.' When we did finally decide to meet, we met as 'friends' nothing more, nothing less. We talked about limits and safewords, etc, justincase, we decided to play or if something 'else' was there. Well, something else WAS there. [:D] I have in the past met guys [vanilla or lifestyle] that I thought might be good potential long-term partners, a few ended up as good friends, the rest, diappeared; no harm no fowl. I don't think that the 'friends' catagory is such a bad thing. I lean on my friends and they on me. I prefer quality of friends rather than quantity. Friends are a great place to vent, get/give comfort, get an objective pov, learn who you are, and in my case, find a Partner.

salilus -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/16/2007 3:24:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic quote: ORIGINAL: salilus That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant. It seems to me that a lot of people responding are not getting the OP's problem. It's not that they do not want friends, it is that people they are interested in having a deeper relationship with consistently don't want to be anything more than "friends". salilus' comments, above, are a classic example of how to shoot yourself in the foot, if you are wanting a deeper relationship. When a guy comes across with the "shoulder to cry on" personality, he is pegging himself forever more in the "friends" category. As a friend she is looking for some gentle, caring. Not what she is looking for in a lover. There she wants excitement, passion, that feeling in her gut that this guy is a handful. It may not be fair, but that is the way it is. It is why so many women go for the "bad boy". He's not gentle or caring, but he is exciting, powerful. The bad boy is also vain, caring only for his needs, which is why his relationships are spectacular, but short. The trick is to come across as the bad boy, while retaining the caring, sensitive part of yourself that women will fall in love with over time. Namaste, Sir Dominic I'm a girl. (-:

eyesopened -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/17/2007 2:04:16 AM)
Last fall i met a Dom who is funny, interesting, creative and just the right amount of sadistic. We met in person and there was enough chemistry to meet again. But by the second "date" it was clear to me this Dom had been emotionally abused by the His previous relationship and i was more what He'd caught on the rebound than any deep compatibility. By the third "date" it was clear to me we weren't compatible on a relationship level at all. My gift to Him was to show Him clearly that all His self-doubts were scraps left from His previous sub and that He IS a wonderful and worthy Dominant...just not my Dominant, that He was ignoring what was clear in His desperation to be in a relationship. Had i stayed as His sub He would not have moved on to a relationship better suited to Him. While that next relationship didn't pan out for the long haul He is back to being self-confident and way more Domly than He was when i met Him. He has become extremely attractive and is sought out by other subs. He has that "something" i always knew He was capable of. We are friends. Not dreaded. i serve Him by being that ear, shoulder, eyes, heart, just not all the other body parts. He is available to me in the same way. A genuine friendship that has remained, has lasted through time, through successes and through failures. He calls our relationship a pearl without price. How could this ever be considered "dreaded"?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125