RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an observation)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/25/2007 12:01:55 PM

subiugo

Posts: 45
Joined: 3/19/2007
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First of all, i want to congratulate You that You dare to write a 'longer' posting, that develops ideas and gives arguments. Sometimes internet just seems the media for short statements one can 'take or leave'. So, there is some resemblance here... You are 'asking questions' about relationships that sound like 'take it or leave it'. But it is a little bit all over in the way we communicatie...

So, from the side of a submissive male... i am a submissive male, no question about that. So, i seek to be dominated by Women. But what is interesting me is the way They dominate. i know Women who try to dominate by blackmailing men, or by emotionally highjacking men. That is not 'true' dominance for me. As it is no true 'dominance' to me that a Woman says if you don't do it the way i like it, you can go. True dominance for me lays in the potential to change someone, in the way You like it.

Of course, as a Female Supremist i think a Woman has the right to punish men if they don't act the way the the Superior Woman wants. And of course, having the right to punish someone gives You dominance. But again, i think truly Dominant Woman can be dominant to by using 'positive reinforcement', not using the whip, but by making clear what an honour it is for the lowly male to serve the Superior Lady.

Positive reinforcement for me means that i want to be stimulated to really learn about the Superior Needs of the Woman i am serving. It is by learning about Her needs that i am learning about myself. For me that is the 'reciprocity' of a D/s-relationship.

In general, i think we have a long way to go to develop a true 'culture' of D/s-relationships. Inherent in the notion of culture is that it grows slowly, and in interaction. But as it grows, it encompasses the whole life, not just a part of it. And that is the beauty of it. That is one of the reasons i am so happy to have found a 'branch' of bdsm that is open to the spirituality of this lifestyle.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/28/2007 3:11:28 AM

ShadowsLap

Posts: 36
Joined: 2/26/2006
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Oh my ... This is indeed a thought provoking thread. Having read every single post here, one thing stands out for me. The OP was just what was stated in the title of the thread - AN OBSERVATION.

There was no real question asked and no real opinion sought. The OP was so wide open as to invite deep, passionate responses from those serious about the lives they live. IMO, that's what a good thread-starting post should do. Yes, this thread took on a life of its own and went in a couple of directions - but I promise it helped many who read it but did not post.

I, too, am one who walked away from BDSM (for more than 10 years) and returned online at first. Fortunately for me, it took exactly what some posters have said here for me to find my way into a RL interaction. I had to know myself well enough to be able to tell a Dominant what I need. Nothing wrong with a submissive, respectfully, telling a Dominant what needs they have to be met. It is the basis of communication (and the operative word there is "Respectfully").

In my RL, I am a Switch (Dominant to a 3rd party submissive) and knowing myself has helped me "weed out" those who don't embrace the same D/s philosophy. I maintain that if I don't have my needs met because my Dominant doesn't know what they are - that's MY fault. Be well all,

ShadowsLap

(in reply to MzMia)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/29/2007 2:25:54 AM

interestingtimes

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Thats very thought provoking, ill ponder on that

(in reply to cloudboy)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/29/2007 2:31:35 AM

interestingtimes

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Thank you, you are helping explain some of the dynamics of d/s that i don't understand well

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/29/2007 7:50:03 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SaintAllie

In a long term relationship , compatibility is the need.. if you are looking that far ahead. Not everyone seems to look ahead .. or even need to think longterm..

I agree that strictness may not be a requirement for some.. it's a need for some, including the Op..( if i read that incorrectly, I apologise) it's not about "sensible women", it's about what each person has in their mind as a dynamic, as you mentioned. in your post.

Enforcement in my mind was something I did more in the initial relationship, as we grew to know each other more, it became less of an issue..

regards Allie

As usual, your comments ring very true to me.

It seems quite natural to me that strictness and enforcement would be more necessary in the initial stages of a D/s relationship. In a new relationship, there is logically a learning/training process during which enforcement may be needed. The sub hasn't yet internalized the domme's rules and expectations, and may likely need firm guidance. Perhaps even more to the core of the issue, the relative power between the domme and sub hasn't been really established yet. Regardless of preliminary discussions between domme and sub, I think that it takes some time for the sub to truly internalize the requirements of his role in real life. The need for some training and behavioral conditioning, including mental conditioning, and ultimate acceptance/internalization of roles and rules, just seems obvious and natural to me. As the relationship matures, this probably is less necessary, although it may be retained if the dynamics are beneficial.

Everyone is different, so this might not work for some people, and that's fine. But I do agree that the perceived trend toward dommes requiring complete, unquestioning, willing submission from the very start is somewhat analogous to our instant gratification society. They don't just want to avoid cooking from scratch, they don't even want to have to microwave a frozen dinner. Nothing will suit them but a gourmet meal, immediately. Delivered.

(in reply to SaintAllie)

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RE: The thing I keep missing (not a complaint, but an o... - 7/29/2007 8:52:33 PM

TexasMaam

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Joined: 6/22/2005
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What a great post.

From My perspective, once I've invested time and emotional capital into an ongoing relationship, I won't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

When something falls far, far short of the mark, and when it's an issue that's been discussed and made clear to both parties, trust Me, the sub will suffer for his lack of performance.

How he suffers, in what way, to what degree, depends entirely upon the nature of the offense.

I'd PREFER to reward exemplary behavior and performance by fulfilling the subs deepest desires, but if and when he screws up I WILL make him miserable enough so that he doesn't blow it again.

If he's just a brat who loves to argue for the sake of argument, though, or a man who loves to sabotage some effort in an attempt to manipulate Me into corporal punishment because it's something he craves, I won't play that game. I think THAT is the point where I'll show him the door.

TexasMaam

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(in reply to littlesarbonn)

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