Need advice on non-sexual Domination

Need advice on non-sexual Domination (Full Version)

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LadyKrystie -> Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 4:19:55 PM)
I am pretty new to the D/s lifestyle and am beginning to get my feet wet going to local events and meeting people online. Ideally I see myself with a primary long term partner, so most of my research/studies have been focused on domination w/ sexual needs/gratification involved. I have a current special interest who unfortunately is not available to me for several months yet - if at all. Until things are more firmly established, and I am able to decide fully what I want in long term, I find the need to explore some real time play with local boys in a non-sexual sense, to gain some experience beforehand. I'm curious as to what the typical expectations are of a Domme who does not have sexual interest in her sub/s, and how they meet the needs of the subs without giving sexual gratification? Or am I missing something entirely, here? I'm sure I am, but like I said... Still learning. ;)

Elorin -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 4:28:34 PM)
I don't have sex with my subs in the traditional manner (I'll do strapon play and/or fisting, but don't let them penetrate me, use their fingers on my genitals, or use their mouth on my genitals, nor do I use my mouth on their genitals or do hand jobs.) When attending parties I have never had any problems finding play partners that I could learn and practice with. The expectation was always a scene for mutual enjoyment, and sometimes mutual learning. When it came to play partners outside of play parties, I was just very clear that I am not looking for a sexual involvement. Sometimes the interest dried up, sometimes the sub said they wanted to continue but hoped for sexual involvement once they were alone with me, sometimes the sub just was interested in what we were talking about - bondage, spanking, flogging, what have you, and I got a chance to play and get experience and enjoy myself. My expectations of others are always that they are honest about what they want, and don't try to misrepresent themselves just to get close to me, hoping that things will change when I know them better. As for play partners, I've never known them to expect anything from me other than what I offer unless they are planning as mentioned above to somehow slip inside my guard and get me to change my mind.

Politesub53 -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 4:35:31 PM)
Hi Ma`am Elorin, sometimes though feelings change due to closeness and finding out that there is chemistry within the relationship. This doesn`t mean anyone set out to misrepresent themselves, just that it happened. Will this always lead to a parting of the ways ? [;)]

Elorin -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 4:40:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Politesub53 Hi Ma`am Elorin, sometimes though feelings change due to closeness and finding out that there is chemistry within the relationship. This doesn`t mean anyone set out to misrepresent themselves, just that it happened. Will this always lead to a parting of the ways ? [;)] If I came to be attracted to a sub, I certainly wouldn't end up axing the relationship. However, when a sub tells me after 2 or 3 play sessions "I was waiting to be allowed to lick your pussy" or "Well, I know you ~said~ you wouldn't have sex with me, but I figured you'd change your mind after you got to know me" it's entirely a different story. If I had a sub tell me that when he met me he had no intentions of sexual contact but has fallen in love/lust with me and wants to know if I'll reconsider, I won't axe the relationship. But I will say no, thank you, I'm not interested in sex with you. If that means they want to kill the relationship, it's their choice.

Politesub53 -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 4:45:19 PM)
Thank You Ma`am, i totally agree with the first paragraph You wrote. To me that is deceitful. As ever i was wondering on the " what if`s " [;)]

OrangeJulius -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 6:47:40 PM)
I think another thing that would have to be considered is whether both you and your play partner have the same idea of what "sexual domination" is. For example, let's say he wanted to bathe you, because that's just his thing. To him, that may not be sexual, but to you, it is. If you guys didn't figure that stuff out beforehand, there could be some hurt feelings and misunderstandings, and nobody really wants that. Now there's some obviously sexual ones, like oral sex (giving or recieving), but something as innocuous as painting your toenails or fingernails might be sexual for some people. Just something to think about.

undergroundsea -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 7:00:56 PM)
I can find enough gratification in submission to enjoy it without any conventional sexual activity. However, relationships in which I have engaged in this manner have not been exclusive--it was understood that for any such wants and needs would have to be met elsewhere. To me, a complete relationship would include D/s, romance, and various forms of touch, including some forms of conventional sexual contact. I think comparing expectations would help to establish that you do not wish to engage in sexual contact (and what that means), and that the sub can be content without such sexual contact. Within BDSM communities, there are couples with room for play outside the primary relationship. Such couples might provide a possibility for a compatible play partner. Cheers, Sea

buterflydelite -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 7:09:25 PM)
myself, i enjoy non sexual domination but then again like someone else said, what is sexual to one may not be sexual to another. i spent 8 years in a relationship without intercourse but we had other things we did that were very sexual in nature. all depends on how the relationship is set up and what is decided between the two people. for me, i enjoy just an old fashioned caning and leave it at that. i can get off really well just from that.

Lashra -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 7:43:54 PM)
I expect my sub to service me in the way that I want him too. Sometimes that means sex, sometimes it does not. When I have him in service "mode" he knows he will not be getting sex, but if he does what I ask of him to the best of his abilities, he will get a good pain session. I have had him learn how to: give pedicures, massages, bathe me, shampoo/deep condition my hair, how to wax or use the epilator to get rid of body hair on me, how I like my truck cleaned/washed and the list goes on. There are lots of services that a sub/slave can perform and most do expect some sort of a reward. Whether it be a smile from you and the words "good job" or just knowing that they are appreciated or some like my sub love pain so a good sound caning/flogging works for him. Some boys are crossdressers and you can allow them to dress as a reward. You just have to figure out what makes them tick and build on that. Good luck, ~Lashra

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/15/2007 7:49:44 PM)
Finding playmates that are nonsexual at things like clubs are is not difficult. Keeping a sub of your own that doesnt wish to encorporate a sexual side into things might be more difficult. Even when there is no actual sex, there is still sexual connotations for most submissives. Angel is nonsexual. He and I have never had sex, and I do allow him to get off, but aside from the occasional handjob, I do not touch him. How he serves works well for us, but it might not for everyone. What sort of things are you looking to "practice" on the local boys? I am sure there are boys looking to gain experience too, and it might be mutually beneficial. As long as you make sure there is no expectation of sex in the beginning, then you should be fine. You are not looking for anything long term with these boys, and you might want to make sure they know that too. DV

BossyLadyPamela -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/16/2007 2:56:40 PM)
I think this is different for each sub...each situation ...each encounter.. like all the above posts sometimes things change and surprise me with moods that I did not plan on..... thank god they do.... spice.. Ok- this one is a bit out there but still one of my favorites.... I had a submissive man who liked to experiment with feminine dressing... we both had bikinis while talking and having such a connecting time in a pool and before..... A very flirty night in his indoor pool..... He was getting a super kick from the dressing and being able to sit there me enjoying him with his manly body..but bikinni on... I found him so physically handsome... I was like a wild animal as his personality continued to unfold.. we really connected..but I was no way ready to have sex with him in the typical types of sex we all know..oral.. penetration.. touching genitals.. So I ordered him to stand with his pretty little bathing suit and hold the pole. I took off his top, while slithering around and scratching him..(he liked nails)..I intentionally pushed all his sexual buttons with touch from my hands and body.. (oh pool chlorine smells do something to me too-- go figure?).. after I removed his bikinni top ..had him lay on his back on the wet concrete... his body was slippery from the water... I stripped for myself while he watched... teasing him with his bikini bottom left on... I rode his slippery body with my naked kooch... all up his arms..and his shoulders.. his chest and his legs.. all of him...not his face or penis area...on purpose.. I was teasing with him with my body and arousal..all over him.. I finally stayed in one spot on his knee.. and rubbed myself into an orgasm.. a powerful one too.. then got up left him there and told him he could masturbate now ...talk to him tomrw.. There was no sex, but certainly sexual for us both...at least me anyway..got my orgasm and my chlorine smell... wink

LadyKrystie -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/16/2007 4:22:57 PM)
Thank you all for the insight. I was also actually able to attend my first "play party" this weekend (just sucked it up and went on my own. Can't expect to meet people if I don't go there to meet them!!) and I think I have a better idea of what's involved and what expectations are. You have certainly given me something to think about, and I guess I need to sit down and decide for myself what I actually consider sexual or not. For me, there are typically 3 levels when meeting new people. No sexual attraction, but I like and admire them as individuals. Sexual attraction, but probably not a good risk long term. And sexual attraction and mental/emotional connection. Defining my limits on all 3 levels is my next project. Always with the idea that I can change my mind when I want to, of course!! Lol. Again, thank you for the insight. Lady K

BossyLadyPamela -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/16/2007 4:33:29 PM)
Bye the way sexy photo those eyes say.. lets play all day long.. pretty !! but your post above this....nailed it..all of it.. perfect and seems you cant go wrong with those thoughts.

LadyKrystie -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/16/2007 4:39:08 PM)
I'm blushing... Compliments always appreciated. Thank you Lady P.

PairOfDimes -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/16/2007 6:14:05 PM)
First up, you get to play in the way you want. This doesn't mean people necessarily have to play with you the way you want, of course. Also, you're responsible for ascertaining and meeting your needs--you're not responsible for meeting others' needs unless and until you take on that responsibility and they tell you what those are. How do I do nonsexual BDSM? I do it in many different ways, and each option has different boundaries. Sometimes, I play with someone, including playing with his or her genitals, without engaging in oral, anal, or vaginal sex. This can involve orgasm (or actions toward orgasm), or not. You might also enjoy requiring a person to stimulate your genitals, or that might be within your definition of "sex" and thus off limits. Sometimes I will play with someone without doing genital play at all, but while touching other parts of the person. Impact play is a good example--you can cane or whip a person without touching his or her sex organs. Bondage, too. There are many options--most BDSM activities don't involve touching the genitals. You can also do BDSM that doesn't focus on physical sensations. Humiliation is one example. Service also doesn't require contact, although if you have a taste for receiving massage, as I do, you may enjoy incorporating that as an act of service. I think it's more about figuring out what you want to do, and what you don't want to do, and then doing the things you want to do--and it sounds, from your later post, like you're on your way to figuring this out--good work! In terms of your thought process, I tend to think it's more fruitful to contemplate and conclude that you won't do this, this, and this, and then realize that all those things could be described with the umbrella term "sexual" (or service-oriented, or blood-oriented, or foot-oriented, or whatever). Rest assured, though, regardless of what you decide you won't do, there will likely be tons of activities that you like to do, and at least a few of them are bound to be fairly common pleasures.

DiannaVesta -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/17/2007 6:29:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyLadyPamela Bye the way sexy photo those eyes say.. lets play all day long.. pretty !! but your post above this....nailed it..all of it.. perfect and seems you cant go wrong with those thoughts. Yes she does. Knock them dead down there in Florida! Just remember - Your Rules- Your Journey and make sure they agree to that. Most will be happy. If not show them the door.

MisPandora -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/18/2007 12:22:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyKrystie I am pretty new to the D/s lifestyle and am beginning to get my feet wet going to local events and meeting people online. Ideally I see myself with a primary long term partner, so most of my research/studies have been focused on domination w/ sexual needs/gratification involved. I have a current special interest who unfortunately is not available to me for several months yet - if at all. Until things are more firmly established, and I am able to decide fully what I want in long term, I find the need to explore some real time play with local boys in a non-sexual sense, to gain some experience beforehand. I'm curious as to what the typical expectations are of a Domme who does not have sexual interest in her sub/s, and how they meet the needs of the subs without giving sexual gratification? Or am I missing something entirely, here? I'm sure I am, but like I said... Still learning. ;) Please help us out by sharing what interests YOU have. You could be into victorian, be a sadist who wants to hurt boys, be an aspiring bondage artist or someone who simply wishes to be pampered. We don't know you from adam, and we're being asked to give you suggestions and direction. Give us something to work with, please!!!!!

LadyHeart -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/18/2007 12:53:17 AM)
My first thought was, find someone who wants to explore a chastity kink and learn all about it. I had a lovely sub approach me the other day wanting me to hold the keys for his chastity device - now that's definitely non sexual, lol :)) LH

MisPandora -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/18/2007 5:20:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHeart My first thought was, find someone who wants to explore a chastity kink and learn all about it. I had a lovely sub approach me the other day wanting me to hold the keys for his chastity device - now that's definitely non sexual, lol :)) LH I guess it's in the eye of the beholder. I consider chastity sexual, as it controls one's sexuality.

RealDom69 -> RE: Need advice on non-sexual Domination (7/18/2007 7:10:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyKrystie I am pretty new to the D/s lifestyle and am beginning to get my feet wet going to local events and meeting people online. Ideally I see myself with a primary long term partner, so most of my research/studies have been focused on domination w/ sexual needs/gratification involved. I have a current special interest who unfortunately is not available to me for several months yet - if at all. Until things are more firmly established, and I am able to decide fully what I want in long term, I find the need to explore some real time play with local boys in a non-sexual sense, to gain some experience beforehand. I'm curious as to what the typical expectations are of a Domme who does not have sexual interest in her sub/s, and how they meet the needs of the subs without giving sexual gratification? Or am I missing something entirely, here? I'm sure I am, but like I said... Still learning. ;) Hi , Whilst I like to be in control of all sexual activities with BDSM partners, i don't think that full intercourse is totally nesesary, however I do think that BDSM is a very sexually charged activity and therefore should include a certain amount of sexual content, after all if it doesn't turn you on .. why are you doing it ? Just my opinion :)) Johnny Reble

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