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slavegirljoy -> RE: Master why do you want to share me? (7/20/2007 12:03:20 AM)
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A general reply to no one in particular.
In light of the extensive discussion here about tests and trials, i thought that this might be relevant.
"Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before."
-- James Buckham (1818-1884), a British pharmaceutical chemist, professor, museum curator, botanist, geologist, archaeologist, author and farmer.
And, these are just some general comments of mine, regarding the issue of testing and trials, etc., and are not directed to anyone in particular. Anyone can "test" anyone. A slave can test her Master, just as much as a Master can test His slave. i used to be an habitual "tester" in my relationships, both BDSM-based an non-BDSM. If i was with a guy for more than two months, i would find myself "testing" him, usually without me even being aware that i was doing it, until later. i would test his love for me, i would test whether he would stick around if i did this or that sort of behavior, i would test his patience with me. Sometimes the guy would get tired of my silliness and end the relationship, which, of course, would prove to me that i was "right" to test him because he wasn't really committed to me, just as i suspected. Usually, though, the guy would put up with me and stick around and then i would have to find some reason to end the relationship myself, mainly because, even though i would push, push, push, he would never take the bait and put me in my place, which is what i was secretly looking for. All of this repeated testing was born from my own insecurities about whether any man would ever truly want me enough to stay with me, even if i behaved badly. This testing was also completely unnecessary, because, if i had just been brave enough to talk openly and honestly about my fears and about my true desires, i would have either found out that the guy was willing to work with me to overcome my fears and help realize my desires or he would have told me that he wasn't interested in all that and it would have ended without all the drama. Fortunately, i finally grew up and realized that i didn't need to test anymore. i only needed to communicate my feelings. It really does work and a whole lot more effectively and nicely than the silly testing. As the slave of Master David, i have been tested pretty extensively over the past 18 months or so, and not by any design or desire on His part, but simply by life. Two months after moving in and becoming His full-time, live-in slave, He hurt His back on the job and couldn't work. He was out on disability for several months. He had to undergo several weeks of getting cortisone shots in His spine, which caused Him to be bedridden for days afterwards. Then, He had back surgery to remove part of a disc. He was in a lot of pain, had to take a lot of medication, and was unable to do the things that He (and i) enjoy doing, while He convalesced. i had to be His full-time nursemaid and do things for Him that i had only ever done for my kids, when they were babies. Then, at the end of January, barely one year into Oour relationship, He had Uus move in with His 75 year-old mother, in her single-wide trailer, to help her, while she was undergoing chemo and radiation treatment for lung cancer. It was very tight quarters and most of Oour belongings had to be put in storage. i stayed with her all day long, while He went to work. Living with His mother also meant severely limiting Oour intimate interactions as Master and slave. Let's just say, this was a very tense time for He and i. The hardest time came when, on a Saturday morning in June, while i was in the kitchen fixing Master a bagel and cup of coffee, i heard His mother's faint voice call out from behind her bedroom door. i told Him that she was calling out and, when He opened her door, there she was laying on the floor, unable to get up or speak clearly. i called for an ambulance and she was taken to the hospital. She had suffered a severe stroke. She was kept in ICU for 10 days and underwent brain surgery to remove the clot and pool of blood. She was then moved to a critical care ward and finally to the Hospice unit. Master was at the hospital with her every day, from 7 A.M. until 9 P.M. and had to take unpaid leave from work. When she was moved to hospice, He and i both stayed in her room around the clock for 6 days and 5 nights, while Wwe watched her die. i had never seen anyone die before. It was the hardest thing i have ever done. i stayed with Him, because He wouldn't leave her and i couldn't see Him going through that alone. She died on Sunday morning, July 8th, and Wwe buried her on July 11th. It's still very hard to be in her home, without her and knowing that she will not be coming back. Wwe have had to go through her clothes and photos and other belongings and each item is a reminder that His mother is gone. Wwe are also having to fix up this trailer to make it sale-able. Even though Wwe both know that her suffering is over and that all the pain she had endured during her fight with cancer is over, her death is all so hard to deal with. Talk about a test, not planned and not wanted, but a very hard test, for both He and i. At least six times over the past several months, Master has said to me that He wouldn't blame me if i packed my bags and left and that He would completely understand and that He knows that i "didn't sign-up for all this" and that He doesn't think too many women would come to be His slave and then have to go through all of this and want to stay. i told Him that i made a commitment to Him, that i gave Him my word to be His for as long as He would want and need me, and my word is something He can always count on. It's stronger than any promise or any vow or any license or any contract or any other form of assurance. It's unwavering, no matter what unexpected challenges come along. i think He really believes i'm gonna stay, now, which i already knew and i didn't need to be tested to find that out. But, the tests, and my resolve to get through them all, has shown Him that i am fully committed to Him and that's a good thing. Oh, yeah, as far as i'm concerned, no one is better at testing, than kids are. my kids test me all the time. They test my patience and my will and my rules and maybe even my love, from time to time. i always pass their tests and they get reassured that i mean what i say and that they can always count on me to be there for them and to keep them safe and sound and on a positive path to adulthood. For what it's worth, these are just my personal thoughts on all this testing business. slave joyOwned property of Master David "Commitment transforms a promise into a reality."
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