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"You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:28:05 PM

Missokyst

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I was just reading a few threads and I found one that said this:
"master says I will grow from the experience."

I am curious about this. I get a lot of private messages when I am chatting that refer to "teaching me to be a better person by growing in my submission", or "I will expand your limits so you can become a better person and a better sub", or the above.."you will grow from the experience".

What does this mean exactly? I can see how my connection to my last dominant made my life better. He taught me it is ok to be intelligent and to use that in other occupations where I am more suited for success. But it didn't have to do with my submission to him, or any play that we may have engaged. It was a life skill thing. It was a personality thing. It was a confidence thing.

When people tell you "you will grow from this" and they refer to sharing you, or having you endure some painful action, or even kneeling in the way they wish you to kneel, what is it they are trying to do for you? What is it we need to learn to be better? And how does bdsm play into it?
*one very curious eyebrow raised*
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

Post #: 1

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:33:06 PM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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the growth may lie in growth as a submissive or as a slave, not necessarily as an independent individual. this is how it would apply to D/s...i can't speak on BDSM-based dynamics.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 2

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:34:36 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

"master says I will grow from the experience."

I often wonder about this too.
I've been told similar things in response to limits that I have such as being shared or becoming part of some sort of non-monogamous situation. I'm not sure how something that I view as harmful to me could make me grow. Broaden me in some way, or hurt me perhaps, but help me to grow? I wonder if sometimes (often?) these words are used as a way for a dominant to get closer to what he wants, or to try to erase those few things he doesn't find in agreement with (things he'd like to change about his sub). I'm wary.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 3

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:36:42 PM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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How odd that as I typed my response the song on the radio: "Let It Grow".

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 4

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:37:22 PM

onestandingstill

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Teaching you to reach out of your comfort level, to deal with pain, or inspiring you to do something you've dragged your feet about is not necessarily changing you, it's teaching you to change your self and teaching you how to endure and to have discipline.
It may not seem like kneeling still in a corner for 30 minutes teaches you something, but the next time you're sitting say with your boss and bored to tears or offended by the conversation to know how to center and remain still and calm can be a benefit you could have gtten by kneeling still 30 minutes.
You never know what an external thing someone requires you to do or learn in your life can accomplish as far as internal growth.
I think it's helping us to rise up and be better, stronger, more disciplined people than we'd have worked toward being without someone coaching us along.
suzanne

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 5

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:41:25 PM

Rover

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Joined: 6/28/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
When people tell you "you will grow from this" and they refer to sharing you, or having you endure some painful action, or even kneeling in the way they wish you to kneel, what is it they are trying to do for you? What is it we need to learn to be better? And how does bdsm play into it?
*one very curious eyebrow raised*
Kyst

In my opinion it's a not so subtle form of manipulation. You decide whether it's "good" or "bad" based upon your individual circumstances.

But I would observe that many (most?) folks making such assertions (which are often specious at best) do not have a bottom's/submissive's/slave's interests in mind at all (they just want them to do what they want them to do). That in and of itself is not necessarily a "bad" or "wrong" thing, in that many folks would call that service in a power exchange relationship. What might be called into question is the promulgation of a fallacy (ie: lie) in order to effect a desired behavior. I would view that as control from a position of weakness at best, and outright abuse at worst (lies having the effect of negating one's right to informed consent, and the lack of consent being the basis for many definitions of abuse).

John

P.S. - I believe there are times when Dominants/Tops say things like that because that's what they think they're supposed to do and say, without understanding a lick of what spews from their lips.

< Message edited by Rover -- 7/19/2007 1:43:00 PM >

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 6

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:47:56 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I was just reading a few threads and I found one that said this: "master says I will grow from the experience." I get a lot of private messages when I am chatting that refer to "teaching me to be a better person by growing in my submission", or "I will expand your limits so you can become a better person and a better sub", or the above.."you will grow from the experience".

What does this mean exactly?

In the context of your inquiry, unsolicited private messages from people you haven't met or don't know; it means that he/she would like you to do something that you really don't want to do, and have no reason to do; especially when a 'why' question is answered with the phrase.

It's a tactic which can be used to bait the naive, and a rationalization for person who accepts the tactic to abdicate personal accountability and responsibility for self.

Putting your hand in fire and you will learn from the experience, you will also 'grow' - a blister.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 7

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:48:04 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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The Man would never spout drivel like that to me. I'm biased on the phrase because I've only gotten it in unasked for emails from the types of men who also think they have the right to demand I send nude pics, cam for them etc. Said by the third grade mentality that thinks if I say no, he could get me to change my mind by claiming I wasn't really submissive. Fine boyo, double dog dare me, who gives a flying fuck?

It's manipulation and attempted emotional blackmail to try to get me to do stuff that some stranger wants and that would damage me, not help me grow. Because, come on folks, how can some total stranger know what would be a good growth experience and what wouldn't?

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 8

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:48:35 PM

bandit25

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What he (John) said...in spades!

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 9

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:49:17 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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This has been my experience, more often than not.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

P.S. - I believe there are times when Dominants/Tops say things like that because that's what they think they're supposed to do and say, without understanding a lick of what spews from their lips.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 10

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:52:27 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I can see it from this POV more easily. It is not so much what they can do for me, but how they can make me be more for them. As a person with issues about "not being good enough", I can see how that might effect me. And why I have tried to avoid it. Nevertheless, from a ds standpoint, over a bdsm one, I can relate. I just can't go there.
Kyst

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 11

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:53:32 PM

Missokyst

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Broaden, does seem to be a more apt term.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

"master says I will grow from the experience."

Broaden me in some way, or hurt me perhaps, but help me to grow?

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 1:58:19 PM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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Interesting perspective I had not considered. But then I have been a masochist all of my life and sort of grew into those coping skills naturally. In my observation of the subs I know, we are pretty much control oriented. I NEED to be better. I NEED to get those good grades. I NEED to be great at my occupation. I NEED to be more.
I think for me, I need less discipline and more encouragement. Guess that is why those "you will grow from this" types confuse me.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Teaching you to reach out of your comfort level, to deal with pain, or inspiring you to do something you've dragged your feet about is not necessarily changing you, it's teaching you to change your self and teaching you how to endure and to have discipline.
It may not seem like kneeling still in a corner for 30 minutes teaches you something, but the next time you're sitting say with your boss and bored to tears or offended by the conversation to know how to center and remain still and calm can be a benefit you could have gtten by kneeling still 30 minutes.
You never know what an external thing someone requires you to do or learn in your life can accomplish as far as internal growth.
I think it's helping us to rise up and be better, stronger, more disciplined people than we'd have worked toward being without someone coaching us along.
suzanne

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 13

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 2:00:05 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

whoa.. That was brilliant.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

It's a tactic which can be used to bait the naive, and a rationalization for person who accepts the tactic to abdicate personal accountability and responsibility for self.

Putting your hand in fire and you will learn from the experience, you will also 'grow' - a blister.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 14

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 2:09:07 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

This can be very true if a sub has never experienced something before. Perhaps it is something they were curious about and just need a little coaxing to try. However I find that some Dominants say this in order to give a positive spin to something a sub may find objectionable. Sometimes its used to make a sub feel a bit guility for questioning a Dominants desires for them. Either way its up to the sub to decide whether they truly want to learn something or not.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 15

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 2:09:29 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

whoa.. That was brilliant.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

It's a tactic which can be used to bait the naive, and a rationalization for person who accepts the tactic to abdicate personal accountability and responsibility for self.

Putting your hand in fire and you will learn from the experience, you will also 'grow' - a blister.

I agree, that is exceptionally well stated.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 2:47:40 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

In all honesty, despite the nay-sayers, I have to say that he's said exactly that to me before and never once - ever - has that failed to happen. I was just commenting to a friend of mine yesterday that there are things I do today that I am entirely comfortable with that even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to even contemplate. The differences between now and then are confidence in him - even more than it was then, trust that he'll still be around, a more adventuresome spirit and a willingness to submit even when not being sure of the outcome. The rewards have been beyond compare.

I agree that someone saying that when I have no idea who they are would be ridiculous to me. However, having my Master tell me the same thing - priceless.

juliet

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 17

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 4:38:08 PM

Archer

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Joined: 3/11/2005
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There can be for many hidden lessons in SM and activities we do for SM.
The question is do you believe the person has a reason for asking you to do this beyond a selfish desire.
Truth of the matter is it can be the truth that they have set the task before you for thier own selfish enjoyment or they may have a reason rooted in your growth.

Think Mr Miagi and Wax On Wax Off, Sand deck, Paint Fence, the task set seemed to be selfish, yet later reveiled itself to be a more valuable lesson.
A flogging can have multiple reasons for being, to send the person into subspace for spiritual reasons or for enjoyment, or to enduce facilitate catharsis, or to give the sadist a sense of joy, or as a punishment, or or or.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself and the person saying this will make you grow, is make me grow towards what purpose?

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 18

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 4:57:31 PM

daddyscherry

Posts: 85
Joined: 7/10/2007
From: Daddy's Tower, CA
Status: offline

The way i look at it, with my relationship is that regardless of the situation it is ALL in context of our M/s relationship....whether it be play, sex, domestic or just going to the skating rink.

That being said, any lesson, for life or otherwise that my Daddy teaches me helps my submission, because it helps me be a better me and therefore a better slave.

Also, each new lesson that i learn and take to heart serves to deepen my love and respect for my Daddy.

He teaches me alot of things about overcoming my fears (of which I have many)...sometimes the lessons are uncomfortable or scary to learn...but once i learn them i am always better for it....usually a better me but undoubtedly a better slave for him because i have learned something that will help me fall in line better with his wishes or desires.

An example was we went to a swing club and he shared me with another couple...i was sooo uncomfortable being shared in that way....especially with the girl, who i was intimidated by.....but i learned that i have to sometimes just go through it, be uncomfortable and just be whatever my Daddy wishes.

i also learned that my Daddy didn't go and run off with the girl i thought was better than me....which he said, in retrospect, was good that she made me so uncomfortable (something he didn't know at the time)

Not sure if i made sense...but that's my 2 cents

Edited to add: i refer to my Daddy as a Mr. Myiagi Master because he teaches much in the way that he did...."wax on wax off" WTF???? and then the lesson that i was learning becomes clearer later on and it's like "AHHHHHH that was why i was painting the fence with my tongue." LOL

< Message edited by daddyscherry -- 7/19/2007 4:59:58 PM >

_____________________________

~cherry
a.k.a. charismagirrl

For today i won't say but...
For today i won't say just....
For today i will simply obey...
For always i will be your imperfect slave.

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 19

RE: "You will grow from the experience" - 7/19/2007 5:19:35 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

It means that if you aren't on birth control and he doesn't use a condom, you will be growing and growing and growing...

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 20

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