Dreamz423
Posts: 10
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline
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I generally don’t post much, but it seems fate had led me to this thread today and I’ll add my (albeit lengthy) saga here for it does pertain to respect in a number of ways - perhaps putting words in a tangible format might also help clear my head from the torment and confusion I feel inside. While, by definition I should be strong, I find myself feeling hurt and weak - if that comes off as emasculating, so be it. I hurt and quite frankly, to say otherwise would be a fallacy.
So the source of all this? - In a moment, but it would be fair to say it started before all “this” I…in my past I was far more self-centered and less caring than one should ever be, I had "transgressions " - I abused a trust and was guilty of fucking with a persons head who was kind and respectful towards me. Nothing pretty and certainly nothing to be proud of, but it was the truth of me at that time. But dammit, I did learn and I did punish myself over this - not in a scene of a "scene" or some semi-private martyring of myself to show a kinder self - Far worse, I spent a long time not liking, hell often despising myself for what I had become. Deep and hurtful it took me a long and painful journey to come to a point where I could trust myself with clarity. Not an easy feat, I assure you.
Ok, so there I was at that point of trusting myself - not really looking for anything, enjoying some inner peace and tranquility. Content and oblivious to the karma storm coming my way.
I met a wonderful person - kind, smart, playful, alive, articulate, beautiful in every sense - the meeting was nothing more than what I’d call a happy accident. In a very short time, (especially in my rather cautious state) I came to realize that I was very much attracted to her, and told her in no uncertain terms that this was the case.
Fiercely independent and bold she had no issues discussing this - (hardly sounds “subbie” but yes, she truly is) She had assembled a labyrinth of protection around her to protect her rather fragile inner-self - and we both understood that and accepted the fact that there would be no compromise of our respective needs and wants - she even went as far as to tell me that she may be prone to manipulative behavior in an early stage of courtship. I understood and accepted that as well.
We eventually met R/T, - comfortable and natural, just getting to know each other - nothing sexual, just simply getting to know one another, a playful and seductive dance. We became closer, and things were good and getting better.
Openly, honestly, we shared with each other the things we’ve crossed in our respective paths - the good, the bad, the ugly - Included in that was her account of her former Dom, whom she loved deeply and in no uncertain terms - that was is up until well into the relationship he confessed to her that he was married.
As she told me the tale of their romance and it’s eventual demise, I truly felt her pain for what she had endured. I never felt a need from either side to attempt to compare our “us” to her former one - simply it was a thing that was. I appreciated the trust and confidence she had to share with me on that level - she has a strong spirit, and her attitude to me seemed to be both wise and healthy. I never was given reason to feel the least bit threatened by what once was.
Anyway, our dance continued and only got better - the subtle signs of attraction grew, seemingly with each passing minute.
Each time we spoke, met, better than the last - she got the comfort and trust to allow me to her home following a picnic - a lovely, relaxed evening, learning yet more about each other. I had a busy day the following morning, kissed her good night - all good.
The following morning I had a few minutes prior to getting about my business so I took a quick look at her personal page (she’s a rather prolific and talented writer) - The words I read hit me like taking on a speeding freight train… She had a lengthy post regarding how she could not get the former Dom and her love for him erased from her mind and she needed time and space to herself.
The words cut me to the core, I still can’t say if it was the words themselves, or the fact that she chose not to talk with me directly about her feelings. Her words were descriptive of her pain and loss - my emotions swung wildly from pain for her then to my own pain and to detest for the slime for hurting this wonderful creature to self-pity and everything in between.
It also brought to me the feelings I know I must have inflicted in my not-so proud past. Was this some sort of cruel continuation of a payback? A test of my own resolve for her affections? A non-confronting way to signal to me she didn’t share the feelings I did? - I didn’t know, still don’t.
I’ve picked up the phone - time and again, but never completed a call, I’ve started to write her at length, but deleted the words rather than hit the send button - after all, she wants to be alone - and as much as it pains - shouldn’t I respect that wish?
It’s been days - I thought, hell prayed the hurt would fade with each new morning - it has not.
The only solstice I’ve found is perhaps that my saga may provide comfort to some who have found themselves hurt, seemingly without reason, that it appears to be true, that old adage wherein “what comes around goes around.”
Had I any inclination the hurt one’s heart can feel, I can assure you that I’d have never, ever done the things I did in my past - a simple “I’m sorry” surely can in no way heal such wounds - but yet, it is all I can offer. I apparently reaped what I had sewn in the respect department.
May you all find peace love and happiness and that perfect balance of respect - be well.
M
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