when honest is a term for something else altogether

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utterlybutterfli -> when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 4:46:40 PM)
I'm hurting tonight, although a bit of me feels I have no right to , its there.(yep, another poor me post, lucky you). I'm sure you'll have no problem telling me where i am going wrong! I met a Dom, a few months ago. Looking back, I'm wasn't in a state of mind to get into another D/s relationship. We went on a date, we stayed in contact through msn for a while.. the uusal things you can imagine happen, flirting, intimate talk.. but life fell rather heavily on top of me and in his words, we stopped talking in pretty frosty tone. I spent the spring not very well ( not his fault and he never knew, we both acknowledge) but I had had him on my mind and eventually i plucked up the courage to see if he wanted a drink. We made a date - over the past few nights the flirting reassumed, he called me 'lil' one' a lot, which I quite like, he encouarged me to discuss a fantasy with him.. we spent a lot of time together online and, I know online things mean nothing but.. Anyway, I invited him for a coffee today, he lives local , and we both seemed to be looking forward to our date on staurday where we would, in his words, talk about things of a 'more adult nature'. Anyway foolish me had a good time today , and we continued to chat into the evening. I was on the verge of inviting him round when he told me he had 'something to tell me' and this something was, that he had a 'friend' who lived in another country, with whom he had arranged a play date when she visited the UK. Now he told me this, in the spirit of being an honest upstanding Dom who doesn't fuck around, but when it became clear to us, that no matter whether I wanted to get to know him in being his potential sub, that I would have to be happy about this prearranged play date (I guess we all know what we mean here, right?). I asked if it was just a playdate with a friend, surely she would understand. But he says he will not go back on his word with a friend. I told him that I did not want to get to know a Dom with a view to a relationship if he was going to be going and playing with aniother woman. Further investigation reveals that, although I live round the block (in england) this is a US woman, who cannot move here due to a work contract although, things might be rather different if she could. I really like this Dom. But now he says, in my refusal to accept that hes going to go and be with this woman and that I still want to see him, that I'm dictating to him what he may and may not do, This is not the case - I'm simply trying to get him to see he has asked me to make a rather unpalateble choice and that if it truly only was a play date, if he liked me as much as he says, why couldn't he give this date up? ( I know the answer to that btw, that neither of them are really viewing this as a "play date"). So, Are we really to believe that when a prospective Dom is just being honest with us that thatis it true intention, or is it more of a case of, swallow this, bitch? Am I being completely unreasonable? He says he can see my point of view, but then, suddenly he doesn't. I am left rather sad at this missed opportunity to be with an otherwise lovely man. I know that if I was reading this, I would say well, hes clearly made his choice, but there is something inside of me that wonders why this has to be so Thanks for reading! edited for spelling, which I'm sure is just as bad

Rayelle -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 4:56:51 PM)
i have to be honest, he doesnt seem to have got it at all. from my own personal point of view if i were you i would have done what you did, i dont think you are telling him what to do, i think you were trying to set the parameters of the relationship, which is down to both partners. clearly his "playdate" was not acceptable to you, and had you not acted as you did, i think you would have been miserable later on. so know i dont think you are being unreasonable. as for, him being honest... yes and no. he has been honest in that he told you about it, but it seems you believe he is decieving you over the significance of said "playdate". seems to me if he cant respect your point of veiw then he's not quite as lovely as he seems, but thats just my 0.02.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:02:54 PM)
He made a commitment for a play date with this person. Are you asking him to go back on his word and honor to her and break it? I sure as hell would not break the date. I think you can ask him to break the date, but you need to accept it if he chooses not too. Mike

utterlybutterfli -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:07:46 PM)
No, I see your point! His word and his honour to her to spank her ass? Maybe you could consider a female who is looking for a playdate to whom you have said you will go and spank (or whatver.), she comes and tells you that she is seeing someone? Do you wish to hold her to her word that badly?

AquaticSub -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:08:18 PM)
You are, in a sense, saying what he can and can not do. What you are saying is he can not do this and be in a relationship with you. And that is perfectly acceptable. Valyraen can not have sex with other women and be in a relationship with me, at least not for now. That may change in the future. You aren't owned yet, you are getting to know each other and both of you are communicating what you will and will not accept in a relationship. You won't submit to a dominant who plays around with other people. You have that right. He, on the other hand, has the right to decide that he isn't interested in a sub who doesn't want him doing scenes with other women. Sounds like an issue of incompatibility to me, similar to if he wanted kids and you didn't. Either you decide that you want him as a dominant enough that one scene with another woman doesn't bother you, provided this is the only time, you decide you want him as a dominant enough to grow comfortable with him doing scenes with other women or you look elsewhere. I hope that you start feeling better soon though. It always hurts to learn that we may not be compatible with someone we really like. Best wishes, Aqua Edited because it sent too soon

AquaticSub -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:17:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli No, I see your point! His word and his honour to her to spank her ass? Maybe you could consider a female who is looking for a playdate to whom you have said you will go and spank (or whatver.), she comes and tells you that she is seeing someone? Do you wish to hold her to her word that badly? A person's word is their word. For some, it really doesn't matter what it is about, even if the other person would understand. This isn't an issue of the woman holding him to his bond, it's an issue of him refusing to compromise the guarantee of his word for the sake of a potential submissive. There are pro and cons to that approach, but clearly he has made his peace with the cons.

SirDraco7 -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:18:11 PM)
Well, like many things, you can view this many ways. I'd lean toward your perspective and thinking. If it really was and is innocent like he says it is then him breaking it off shouldn't be much of an issue like it seems to be. Several questions that you need to ask, as well as things you need to consider.... First, Why is she visiting your country? Is it for him? for the playdate? Or some other point and they are just meeting up and making room for when she's here? Then examine their relationship and consider what if's? What if her situation changes and can move? Finally examine him. Can you trust him and his word? If her situation changes would he leave you for her? would he try to force a 3some polly relationship? To answer your question.. prospective Doms telling you and being open about things is a good thing. At least he is being honest and isn't lying. He may be sweet, and he may be great and caring and whatever, but it doesn't make him a great man or Dom. I know you like him. but I strongly sugguest that, should you continue things with him, you tone it down a notch and take it slow to protect yourself. Cut out the 'adult' stuff and talk and see how he responds. A real man and a real Dom, someone who is really interested in you will understand and not be upset. But if his focus is not on you but more on the sex, he might react strongly to it which will be a sure clue for you. I hope my confusing random thoughts have helped some.

SweetCaleigh -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:22:01 PM)
i feel for you. It's to bad because He is the one that is going to lose out in the long run since this woman isn't staying around to long. If He wasn't thinking with He penis, i think He'd see the light much better. Is He looking for a green card or something? Or does He think it's going to feel different to be with another woman from another country? LOL sweet caleigh

shysecrets -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:26:29 PM)
I honestly dont think at this point you have the right to be makeing demands on him!! you arent in a relationship yet so I dont see how you have the right to tell him to cansle this play date... He made it befor you where even considering eachother he wants to do it wants to meet this friend and well, I honestly think you are over reacting a lot.. I dont see why you cant let him have this play date since he made it befor you and him started considering a relationship and just tell him in the future you dont want to be with him if he insists on playing with others, if its really something he wants to keep doing then you 2 arent compatable anyway.

AquaticSub -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:26:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetCaleigh i feel for you. It's to bad because He is the one that is going to lose out in the long run since this woman isn't staying around to long. If He wasn't thinking with He penis, i think He'd see the light much better. Is He looking for a green card or something? Or does He think it's going to feel different to be with another woman from another country? LOL sweet caleigh I wonder how people would be responding if the genders were reversed... Don't mean to pick on you Caleigh, just the "thinking with his penis" thing got me thinking. [:)]

SirDraco7 -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:28:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub A person's word is their word. For some, it really doesn't matter what it is about, even if the other person would understand. This isn't an issue of the woman holding him to his bond, it's an issue of him refusing to compromise the guarantee of his word for the sake of a potential submissive. There are pro and cons to that approach, but clearly he has made his peace with the cons. Good points. It all depends on how and who he is really. Honor is such a rare trait it seems nowadays that I typically don't expect people to have any. And if your point is the case then i'd respect him to some extent for giving up something which might be longterm to stay with something he promised that will be short. There are many circumstances and what ifs involved in this situation. For instance: "I really like this Dom. But now he says, in my refusal to accept that hes going to go and be with this woman and that I still want to see him, that I'm dictating to him what he may and may not do," Can and might be an indication that should he get into a relationship with utterlybutterfli he will expect her to respect him. That should he choose to play with other women on occasion it's his choice, he's in charge and she must accept that. That She cannot dictate him and if she doesn't like it she can leave. Maybe that isn't the case. But maybe it is. It's why all considerations and angles need to be looked at. To not do so you might fail to look at the one that might turn out being right.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:31:55 PM)
You've been chatting with this guy semi-casually for months. Then you dropped away. Then you came back and started chatting semi-casually. Then you made a date. Then the guy, being REALLY open and honest, informs you that there is this other woman he's playing with. Now, granted, I'm suspect about exactly how deep this other relationship is, but the fact that he's already come out about her of his own accord and seems cool in all other ways would suggest he's on the level. And you're pissed? I don't get it. If you don't want to date people who are already dating, that's your choice. But dating and playing with multiple people is a fairly common thing and I can find no fault with him.

utterlybutterfli -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:35:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Then the guy, being REALLY open and honest, informs you that there is this other woman he's playing with. Now, granted, I'm suspect about exactly how deep this other relationship is, but the fact that he's already come out about her of his own accord and seems cool in all other ways would suggest he's on the level. And you're pissed? (rueful smile). I guess i can't argue with your logic there

Masternslave07 -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:38:18 PM)
It sounds to me like you are seeing more to the relationship than he is. He hasn't commited to you, so I don't see where you should expect him to cancel his play date. If he felt strongly enough about you, he would have cancelled it. It is obvious he doesn't. He should get credit for being honest. He didn't have to be.

SirDraco7 -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:38:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysecrets I honestly dont think at this point you have the right to be makeing demands on him!! you arent in a relationship yet so I dont see how you have the right to tell him to cansle this play date... He made it befor you where even considering eachother he wants to do it wants to meet this friend and well, I honestly think you are over reacting a lot.. I dont see why you cant let him have this play date since he made it befor you and him started considering a relationship and just tell him in the future you dont want to be with him if he insists on playing with others, if its really something he wants to keep doing then you 2 arent compatable anyway. I agree. She shouldn't dictate. But she can ask and request. I don't blame her for her reasoning either. There are many many circumstances and questions here. Will he be sexual with the girl? will he practice safe sex? is she std free and tested? If not is it worth the wait to see if he contracted HIV or something else? When is this girl visiting? 2 weeks? or 6 months? a year? Will the relationship be put off until after the date? Or could it happen in the middle of the relationship? There are other considerations too. But ask yourself and put yourself into her shoes. You find a person you really like and want to get involved with, but they say, hey wait, before we do I have this thing planned and I can't cancel. But aside from that i'm all up for getting involved. Just excuse this side thing as it's already planned. ::shrugs:: Just my thoughts...

AquaticSub -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 5:41:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDraco7 There are other considerations too. But ask yourself and put yourself into her shoes. You find a person you really like and want to get involved with, but they say, hey wait, before we do I have this thing planned and I can't cancel. But aside from that i'm all up for getting involved. Just excuse this side thing as it's already planned. ::shrugs:: Just my thoughts... I'd probably ask to help. As long as he wasn't having sex with her, I'd be fine. I'd have to get used to it, but it could be a lot of fun! [:D]

BitaTruble -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 6:32:28 PM)
::snipped the meat:: quote: ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli I met a Dom, a few months ago. Looking back, I'm wasn't in a state of mind to get into another D/s relationship. we stopped talking in pretty frosty tone. i plucked up the courage to see if he wanted a drink. We made a date - over the past few nights the flirting reassumed, I invited him for a coffee today had a good time he had arranged a play date he told me this, in the spirit of being an honest upstanding Dom I would have to be happy about this prearranged play date he says he will not go back on his word I really like this Dom. he says that I'm dictating to him what he may and may not do, I'm trying to get him to see he has asked me to make a rather unpalateble choice quote: Am I being completely unreasonable? Except for the part I've bolded, yes. Make your choice then accept the consequences of that choice. Celeste

Lordandmaster -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 6:45:28 PM)
What's there to wonder about? You tried to interfere in his other relationship, he respectfully declined that unsolicited offer, and now you're out in the cold. What did you expect? If someone asked me to give up another relationship, I'd say "Go fuck yourself" more or less on principle. You have two choices: 1. See him even though he has this other girl too. 2. Don't see him because he has this other girl. But you seem to be opting for Choice 3: Write a Collarme thread about how unfeeling he is. That's just an irrational way of protecting yourself from having to make a difficult decision between 1 and 2. quote: ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli I know that if I was reading this, I would say well, hes clearly made his choice, but there is something inside of me that wonders why this has to be so

MasterFireMaam -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 6:46:52 PM)
He is not going back on his word. This is a respectable thing. He told you up front. This, too, is a respectable thing. He seems to be a decent sort of person. In my opinion, you have three choices: 1) break it off, 2) accept the visit or 3) tell him you'll continue to see him after he's finished seeing the other woman. However, all this really brings up another topic. Have you discussed poly vs mono with him? It's obvious that you want an monogamous relationship. Does he want the same? It's an important thing to know because it's very unlikely that you'll up and turn poly over night...or maybe ever. Master Fire

NefertariReborn -> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether (7/19/2007 6:48:43 PM)
Truth is I'm not that interested in his playdate, I'm more interested in how this information has affected you. Can you really send him off to Ms. USA sub to play with an open spirit and real acceptance? If you can't there's no use pretending. you'll always remember that he did it, and one seed of doubt can spring into an orchard of distrust and misery. Ok so he's close and its convenient. It could be that Mr. Right Dom lives a little further but is on your same wavelength - might have changed the nature of the playdate and/or invited you along or better yet cancelled it altogether. I'm sure you already know what you want to do, admitting it is the hardest part. you don't need 200 posters to tell you what to do.

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