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Aging parents - 7/22/2007 10:34:49 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		As most of you already know, I moved back home a couple of years ago to take care of my mom. She was very ill and has serious heart and lung problems. I live in an apartment that was built as an addition on my parent's home.

Mom's health has improved to the point that she no longer needs 24 hour care...but she still can't manage the house and chores by herself. I go into their part of the home several times a day to check on them and take care of the things she can't manage. I used to do all of the cooking but Mom really wanted to be able to some of that.

I try to give them as much space and privacy as I can. However, I'm running into a bit of trouble. I know how important it is to them to remain independent. My mother has always taken care of all of the cooking and cleaning. My father really doesn't know how to boil water well...lol....but Lord knows he is trying to help as best he can. He is doing most of their laundry and I've even seen him run the vacuum a time or two.

My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's or dementia...but she is getting very, very forgetful. Maybe forgetful is a poor choice of wording, more like she has no attention span, has a hard time focusing on things and is getting very disorganized. Well, lately that is becoming a problem in the kitchen. Several times a week she is burning food (it seems she has forgotten there are settings on the stove other than high) and filling the house with smoke or leaving pots on to cook.

Tonight I was visiting at a friends and when I came home I went over there to check on them. All of the doors and windows were open and fans were in them blowing air out. The smell of smoke was heavy. It seems that Mom turned on a cast iron skillet to dry it after washing and went and laid down on the couch and fell asleep. Dad was sleeping in the recliner and awoke to a house full of smoke.

I want to tell my Mother that I will take over the cooking once again, but I know it would hurt her feelings. I work and I'm not here around the clock and I would just feel so much better knowing Mom was not in the kitchen, or at least staying away from the stove. I just don't know how to say it without hurting her.

I am sure that there are some of you who have dealt with similar situations and I would really appreciate some advice. When you started to become the "parent" to your parents, what worked well?



_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 10:44:57 PM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		Smoke detector?

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 10:50:41 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Oh yeah, several. Unfortunately Mom keeps yanking the batteries because they are "annoying". It's a never ending routine, she takes them out, I put them in, she takes them out.....

Well, you get it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 10:54:07 PM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		I knew you were going to say that. It's true that having a smoke detector in the kitchen is a trial of one's patience. Alas...

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 10:57:10 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		there was a really wonderful picture book that was made before you were born.......the frontspeice was a man holding a baby, grampa holding grandson and ended with grandson holding grampa...............

ya, I cant really say this without being nuts you know..................
but straight talk and patience is the key, they are like deer, got no idea of time as you and I see it today.

maybe you had kids maybe you didnt, but
you cant cover everything...............

when you 'helped' mom bake bread and you strewed flour all over the kitchen, in the end someone said that is ok, honey, no harm done.

You can think like that, and in the scheme of things, for the most part there is no harm done------------they are living it, not you and you gotta kinda respect that till the end...................hell you dont need the money, you got a pretty nice ass, let them fuck it all away.


Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:04:45 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		i hope it is ok to recommend a book i think its called the 36 hour day? i am not sure. I will have to look it up.

I am caregiver to a parent. It is never ending and tiresome in the sense that i get emotionally and physically tired from it. This has been going on for 10 years.
Fortunately i do all the cooking. Dont get me wrong i am not complaining. Parents took care of us and now its time to take care of them.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:05:03 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		look, kid................if they want to burn it up because 9V batteries are an annoyance, what the fuck is that to you, how did you think your parents will die?  do you really think you can say were or why or when?

you think too much  

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:08:49 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		crosses one Dom off her list....

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:11:40 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		never even saw you on mine, both my parents are dead in the last year and a half, you are beneath my radar anyway..........

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to winterlight)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:18:30 PM   
Tallnsassy


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/10/2006
Status: offline 		honest suggestion: hire a visiting nurse....they come check on aging parents ..or even if you look around your town there should be a counsel on aging ....try that some have volunteers who are willing to assist in things your parents need right now ...

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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:20:59 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

look, kid................if they want to burn it up because 9V batteries are an annoyance, what the fuck is that to you, how did you think your parents will die?  do you really think you can say were or why or when?

you think too much  


Ron, we're Irish. They gotta look good at the wake.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:26:01 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for the suggestion but having someone outside the family come in really isn't a good option for us. The whole reason why I moved here was because my mother didn't want a stranger coming in to care for her (and neither do I). Nor could we afford it...I did check into it when she first got sick. There is plenty of family here, but we all do work. Even so, my brothers, sister and children stop in often to check.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Tallnsassy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:26:42 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		baby, I know what you are saying, and  you will be devastating all drunk and keening--------------

but you shouldn't manage the death of your parents, you see?

They bore you (the other bore) and it is hard, and I understand, but really they are people and don't want you fussing, do you understand what I am saying? it is right that parents die before children................




_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:28:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		"Ok Mom, you're scaring the crap out of me with all this burning and smoke and stuff.  How would you feel about letting me cook for you?  I've learned a few new recipes I want to try out, and it would really make me feel better."

And then go learn a few new recipes.

It's hard, I know.  When I have approached my parents, it was always out of asking them to let me do XYZ to alleviate my own concerns.  It would help me feel better.  I'm gone all day and I'm stressed out, can they help?  That sort of thing.

And you can even throw in that joke - "Mom, you'll look terrible at the wake all burnt to a crisp and all" assuming she has that sort of humor.  That's something I would have said to my Dad :)

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:29:37 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

baby, I know what you are saying, and  you will be devastating all drunk and keening--------------

but you shouldn't manage the death of your parents, you see?

They bore you (the other bore) and it is hard, and I understand, but really they are people and don't want you fussing, do you understand what I am saying? it is right that parents die before children................





But if the burn the house down, where will Erin live?  THINK, Ronnie, THINK! 

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:30:56 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		sad...

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:35:17 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		This could be difficult without more facts, but I'll wing it.

With the proverbial grain of salt - from what you wrote it seems Dad is still pretty with it. It might be a good idea to talk to him, get him to kinda keep an eye on the stove. If she couldn't cook due to ilness and now can, she is probably thrilled about it. Returned functionality is ecstatic for those who were once very ill. I would make every effort not to take that away from her.

Psychologically, there are ways NOT to approach this. Yes, in a way the roles of Parent and child are reversed, but there are several facts in evidence. She is not setting fire to the couch, this is a stove. This is not a good situation, and it needs to be dealt with but a straitjacket and three neurosugeons around the clock are not the answer.

This may pass if her health continues to improve. In the meantime I would enlist Dad's help in simply being cognizant of when she is cooking and possibly remind her at times.

I too forget alot of things in life and have actually made ashtrays in a pan. So have both of my Parents, but it is not all that common, shit happens. She is still an adult, and as such should be able to take steps herself to prevent this from happening-----as often. (LOL)

I would talk to her as well, and I would not assume the stance of a Parent. I don't know quite how to explain it but here goes. Something like "Mom, could you do us all a big favor, if you're cooking STAY IN THE KITCHEN, the neighbors are starting to call you smokey".

She is of age, and if sane, might just listen, realizing, hmmm yup. Just like when someone doesn't have all that great eyesight so they drive slowly, possibly stay off the freeway, or not drive at night. She would probably agree to be more careful.

I'd put it to her in a 'real world' sort of way, for lack of a better phrase. For example "Mom, you should set a rule for yourself that if you leave the kitchen, the stove is off". The ensuing discussion, you probably wrecked the seasoning on a good skillet, and breathing that shit is no good. Are they smokers ? If not why not ? So the breathing that shit is valid to them if they don't smoke.

Also, very few things that you cook can't stand being turned off for a few minutes, like to go to the bathroom or something. However if you leave it on and you burn the living shit out of it, it is ruined. I would point this out to her.

You know them, you have to find your own words. I kinda like the 'neighbors are starting to call you smokey', but that might not apply, you know the situation in toto, I do not.

If she is humorable I would use that to keep it a bit light, like "One of these days the fire department is going to come and axe down every fucking door and window in the house and the insurance report is going to read "Chicken fried steak" as the cause of the damage".

I really wouldn't adopt a 'the sky is falling' attitude with someone who seems to be on the mend. The problem could abate by itself, or with her awareness of it, it could also be fixed.

That's my opinion, take it or leave it, and by all means, good luck.

Just slide the two cents under the door.

T

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:35:51 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		excellent i am glad for your kind comment


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RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:36:24 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Hiya owned,
My Father would really love for me to take the cooking over again....after all I am a professional chef and he does prefer my cooking to the guessing game they are playing now...what was this before Mom burnt it?

I've told her how bad she is stressing everyone...but you do have a really good suggestion in making it sound like she'd be helping me out.

And yeah...she really does have that kind of sense of humor. All of her life she has been picking up old junk and turning it into flower planters....I keep telling her that is what I am going to do with her. She says ok, but to make sure she is face down and the daisies are blooming out of her ass.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:43:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
...what was this before Mom burnt it?



LOL funny but not.

It was the technique I used on my parents, and still use on my mom from time to time, although these days with my mom I can pretty much boss her around and she obeys.  Ha, who'da thought.

My Dad was a different story, though.  He was too proud and too stubborn.  But he hated adding worry to me so he would oblige as a favor to me.  Either that or I'd offer choices - "OK, you can have Burnt-to-a-crisp a la King, or you can try my latest masterpiece.  Whaddya think??"

(in reply to mistoferin)
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