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RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 6:26:42 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LacyD
he has been putting such an effort in, to secure/sooth me... apologizing, remorse, guilt etc. I am seriously wanting to give him a second chance. but part of me feels foolish to do so
In my opinion, if you really want to give him another chance you should.  If you don't, you may always wonder if you should have.  If you do and he violates your trust again, then you can choose to part ways knowing you gave him every opportunity to do right.  I don't think any harm can come from giving him another chance to prove he deserves your trust.  Now that you'll be extra vigilant, as soon as something doesn't seem right, you'll be aware. 
quote:

Can trust in a M/s relationship be rebuilt after something like this? Our relationship has been built solely on trust

Trust in any relationship can be rebuilt if the behavior that violated the trust in the first place ends and the "offender" really repents, changes, and is committed to being honest from this point forward.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
quote:

I know all the don't trust someone when trust has been broken stuff... but I am forgiving and trusting by nature... some of my best friendships are so becuase I forgave stupid things they did. accepted them for who they are instead of judging them. It is just our relationship is so diffrent than a vanilla friendship

When trust has been broken, that is when you decide if you should continue to trust.  It doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop trusting them forever.  Being trusting and forgiving is not a flaw, Lacy.  Accepting and not judging is not usually a bad thing.  The important thing is that you discuss what has happened, get your real feelings out on the table, decide if you want to proceed forward together, and then work on doing so.  Trust can be rebuilt if you choose to work on it.  Best of luck..............luci 

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LacyD)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 8:05:21 PM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		It’s neither here nor there that he had someone other than you, since you both agreed to have an open relationship. It isn’t really even a matter of who suggested it. The fact you didn’t play with others and he continued to do so doesn’t even come into the equation, unless you both had come to an agreement that you both would no longer play with others.

I’m having a hard time understanding why he withheld the information in the first place, in an open relationship.
.

Was the arrangement that you would be playing with others only when both of you were present? Or with prior knowledge before the event?
Is the problem that he didn’t mention her?
Is it that he was cheating behind her back, with you?
Did she know of you all along?
From what you’ve presented, it’s hard to tell all of the circumstances. I don't want to read into this something that you're not saying.

You state you’re concerned that he is off with some other sub when you have your kids and unavailable.

What happens should it be necessary for you to be away for a week, a month, whatever. There are many things that can crop up, a hospital stay, or a sick relative can pull you away for extended times. Is his requirement for a ‘release’ fix going to kick back in?

If he was cheating, I too would be concerned with the impact all this all would make on the um’s

I hope you work out all the details and get them settled before you decide you are going to continue the relationship. It’s time to now weigh the facts of the situation and ignore any more attempts of flowery talk to sway you over. It’s going to be more difficult to stay than to go, as I agree with others who said you’ll have to be able to not bring it up again in the future.

Best to you

~Big

(in reply to LacyD)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 8:13:12 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I'll chime in....Only because you are hot!

You are screwed.

_____________________________



(in reply to bignipples2share)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 8:35:10 PM   
desiresluv


Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		I am going to offer the best advice I can to you--that is...if he lied to you once..he will do it again.  Saying he has a hard time ending relationships is quite simply a cop out.  I know this, I have been through it...My Dom lied to me for almost a year about another woman "stalking" him.  Then I found out the truth...he had been promising her the same things he did me.  It hurt like hell to end it..I loved him with all my heart and soul.  But, now that I have had some time--I am better and stronger without him.  In this lifestyle, everything, and I mean everything must be on the table for both parties!  Shame on him for abusing your love for him.  I hope you are strong enough to leave him.  And when you do...don't look back!  I always remind myself..I am submissive because I "choose" to be.  I "need" to be...but...the One I offer it to must cherish the gift and keep it safe.  A lie taints all that...and once trust is broken..it is hard to mend.  Good luck to you...

(in reply to sphinx78)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 9:34:48 PM   
LacyD


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/3/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for all your replies.... certainly a mix bag. lol.  Everyone has their own experiences and filters that have learned and see situations through and that is why I wanted to ask my question here on this forum. I knew I would get a rich and diverse reply. Which was exactly what happened.   Thank you again.

I have read through all of this and have made a list of questions... we are sitting down tomorrow to talk about them.

I am hopeful that we will be able to work through this. He is in counseling... has been for the last 9 months. He is now also talking to his counselor about how to work through this with me.   I also realize that there is a possibility this will not work... but I am a risk taker and would rather live my life without regrets.    I will let you know what happens. 

hugs,
Lacy.


(in reply to desiresluv)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/26/2007 2:54:41 AM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		< smiles over at domi>
Thanks

~Big

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/26/2007 5:39:15 AM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		just a few thoughts.  i think your view is taken in hindsight, meaning that now that you have accepted his collar your looking backward at what you invested in at the time as the relationship progressed, rather then looking forward where a commitment has been made.  Most dominants I have met omit, not always to hide them, but many times because we fail to ask. 

Yes, I agree that discussion is paramount, but discuss for tomorrow rather then yesterday.



(in reply to bignipples2share)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/26/2007 12:59:33 PM   
ShadowMster


Posts: 94
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LacyD

I am ANGRY and HURT he didn't tell me. But he has been putting such an effort in, to secure/sooth me... apologizing, remorse, guilt etc. I am seriously wanting to give him a second chance. but part of me feels foolish to do so.

Can trust in a M/s relationship be rebuilt after something like this? Our relationship has been built solely on trust. Now I am constantly thinking he is off with some other sub when I have my kids...



I would ask yourself a question.  Was the relationship you had such that there was an expectation of 1-on-1 only activity?

The fact that he collared you, and not her isn't significant in my eyes.  The fact that he played with her after you were collared however could be considered as such.  Do you feel your collaring to him was an expression of commitment to being monogamous, or was it only a statement of his ownership of you, but not to the relationship?

At the same time, you did say it best when you said you realized he had trouble breaking the old relationship, and it wasn't until he already broke it that you found out about it.

For what it's worth, give him the benefit of the doubt.  The "former" slave is hoping that by getting in the way, she can cause him the pain that he caused her when she was dumped.  Your colaterial damage in her eyes, and she could care less as long as he is made to suffer in the way she feels he has made her suffer.  Consider that also in your anger towards him.

(in reply to LacyD)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 6:14:01 AM   
yankeebabe


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline 		this has been very helpful to me, but one question ( I don't want to start a ney thread, this one is so good) if Sir looks on the internet daily for girls "I love to give a girl more pleasure than she can imagine. I like to experiment with all positions in different places. Missionary is the most erotic to me. Being able to say those dirty thoughts and at the right time is so arousing for both. I also like the control to keep me and her "right there" for extended pleasure. I love oral both ways too. The more aroused I can bring a girl too the more satisfying the experience is to me. " cut and paste from his AFF profile. He wants my kids and I move in with him, and I have been draging my feet. I was a 24/7 slave to him till 3 months ago I told him I didn't like his profile, now I am his Sub. I belive that he is just selfish and wants more that this girl gives (all of her being)
I am very hurt now and want to end the relationship but he will again refuse to relaese me, the only thing I won't do is put my kids in the same house with a man like this. And I know I can't chang him so what to do?

(in reply to sphinx78)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 8:40:51 AM   
caught4u


Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline 		Leave, and don't look back

_____________________________

"Be Yourself - Everyone Else is Taken"


~owned by Master of Wind~

(in reply to yankeebabe)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 9:22:28 AM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LacyD

Can trust in a M/s relationship be rebuilt after something like this? Our relationship has been built solely on trust. Now I am constantly thinking he is off with some other sub when I have my kids...


Something else to ask yourself. If you will still have him are you going to hold this against him and resent him for it forever or are you willing to let it go, learn from it together...especially learn about the value of openness and how much hurt there can be if you aren't open with one another?

What I'm asking, are you willing/able to let it be in the past or will it haunt your future(?) together? If it's going to haunt you then your relationship is on a path to a slow death already. Then the question becomes to you want a slow or quick death?

My $.02...

Q

Disclaimer: I have only read the original post so far!

(in reply to LacyD)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 9:34:06 AM   
Vampyrefledgling


Posts: 91
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		I agree very much with what Theq said. If this is something that will always lurk in the back of your mind, then I believe you need to move on. I know, for sometime it will be there and you will wonder where he is and what he is doing. But if you are a person who can truly 'forgive and forget' and if you believe this is a relationship worth fighting for, I would stay.

I used to think that if a man cheated on me I would leave immediately without a second thought. As I've aged, I've come to believe that, it can also be one that is made only once. I know I may sound like an idealist, but sometimes people screw up and it isn't necessarily a pattern. You have to look at this unique situation and figure out whether or not this man is worth taking the risk. I don't think you would be setting a bad example for anyone if you stayed in this relationship and frankly the children, in my opinion shouldn't be made aware of it at all. It doesn't effect them.

Of course you are hurt and angry, you have every right to be. Have you expressed that to him? Does he know that, even though you play with other couples and other women that you expect to be the only sub in his life?

I believe that trust can be rebuilt, with honesty and open communication. I think that you have every chance of making this relationship work if the both of you really want to. I wish you the best of luck!

~Fledgling

(in reply to theq)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 9:56:48 AM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedheadGirlNY

Where there's smoke, there's fire. Having been in your shoes, once the first "on the side, I don't love her" sub came out of the woodwork, she was followed by several more. Once burned, twice shy.


Yes, on that note I'd ask him if there is anything else hiding about in the woodwork that you ought to know. Telling him that for you, him, and the relationship that it better come out now.

I am truly sorry you have been tossed into this role of leadership for the time and being left in the position where you have to decide. You've already given yourself to the man....that was the last big decision you should have needed to make. So again...I am very sorry to hear about this.

(in reply to RedheadGirlNY)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 10:14:58 AM   
submittous


Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline 		The best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.... only you know if you can live with this sort of thing in your future. It is about you and your choices not him. Only you know how you want the rest of your life to be. Be honest with yourself and then trust your own feelings and usally the decisions are pretty easy to make.

Good luck

Bill

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to sphinx78)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 10:17:36 AM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati
To me, the issue here isnt sex or play, its a breach of trust. I think you are going to need to do some serious digging, both into your own heart and mind, and into his also.


I can't echo this point enough. Personally, I want and need a monogamous situation...as does the girl I am seeing. The core of the point isn't the sex. If you two are both open to the idea of others...and are open and honest with each other (and the others..."hey...I have a sub...it won't be you")...then that is key. The core of the "cheating" comes from hiding it. The openness and trust is really what the word fidelity is all about (look it up... http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Fidelity ...only one of the points in the first definition says anything about sex).

(in reply to GhitaAmati)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 10:43:28 AM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sphinx78

Run. Run fast and don't look back. Find someone who is worthy of your submission, worthy of your surrender. Find someone who will be completely honest with you. No matter how many girls he has, there is simply no reason to keep a any of them in the dark about the others, and no reason to keep his feelings for any one of them in the dark from any of the others. It's as simple as that.


I tend to agree. But, I will echo the voice of the others here in that the decision is yours. Should you move forward with this man you need to send a clear message...openness is important and vital...and that you will not let it happen again. *sighs*...needing to correct this man who was your Master....on something so deep and grave...must be very difficult

(in reply to sphinx78)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 11:12:33 AM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submittous

The best predicter of future behavior is past behavior....


Looking at the stock market as an example I am inclined to disagree with this conclusion. Perhaps it is the "good" indicator...but there are no guarantees wither way. That's the part that sucks =\

(in reply to submittous)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 11:19:53 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		hi lacy and welcome to the boards.  :) Trust is or should be the very rock a relationship is built on.  Without it, (imo) there can be no relationship.  my former Master (interestingly enough was (still is) a software development engineer for the big dog in Redmond), broke my trust over and over again.  i'd trust, he'd screw me.  i am going to echo others here, if he did this once the odds are in your favor that he will do it again.  You just have to decide how often you are going to let him break your trust.  Geez, now i am wondering if this is an inherent quality in software development engineers. 

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to LacyD)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 11:30:34 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		Past behavior is not always an indicator in present behavior and future behavior.  It depends how much you have learned and grown.........we all make errors, I tend to say as always, go with exactly what "you" alone feel, and not anyone else here ;) ;)   It seems to work for me...........I wish you the best!

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 8/12/2007 11:34:21 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		theq- respectfully I agree with you, there are no guarantees in life.........but your own instincts and what we see fit to decide for ourselves.  It is wonderful to get opinions, and I always enjoy them here, but in the long run.........it is only each individual who can decide what is best for them or whether want to "risk" or not, or what is comfortable for them. :)

(in reply to mmb1)
Profile   Post #: 40
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