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HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/23/2007 9:54:11 PM   
akgirl624


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		Hi...I'm not exactly new to this site but this is the first time i've posted.  I'm fairly new to all of this Dom/Sub stuff but my husband and I have been practicing this for our entire marraige without ME really realizing it.   I've been fairly agreeable in just about everything he has asked for (which is mainly him being tied up) . But I do know that I like to be the sub and my dillema is my husband does to. For instance since we were married 5 years ago he LOVES to be tied up and left. I being extremely nieve thought it was somewhat fun and thought nothing of it. Only a a while ago did I realize how "into" it he was. (notice my dillema because we are both sub's) I have sat many hours at my computer while he was at work learning more about our situation, only to find a whole lot of nothing so i'm really hoping to find some extremem help.
I want to please my husband but at the same time I dont' want to "play" as he calls it because I don't get anything out of it. His idea of foreplay is to have sex and hand me my vibrator. I want him to take control which I know that's what he wants a lot of the time to. I've asked him to compromise and I'll tie him up and he can tie me up but he just doesn't see the corrolation. Is there something i'm doing wrong? I have always tied him up and done what he wants me to do but now i'm feeling left out and want to crawl in a hole and never have sex because I forgot to mention he loves to be tied up and left. So in turn that means no sex for me!!! HELP what do I do.
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/23/2007 10:13:56 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		how aimiable would ya'll be to submitting to another as a couple or submitting to different people? it doesn't have to mean sex if you don't want it to...i know of plenty of people that submit to a Dominant (male or female) as a couple...and i know of one married submissive couple that are each collared to different Dominants...with all levels of sexual intercourse with the Dominant involved...from absolutely none to pain and sensation induced orgasms to actually having sex.
if this is not an option for ya'll, then i hate to say it but use sex as a coersion tool...if he doesn't give you what you need, don't give him what he wants...and Maslow says in his hierarchy of needs that sex is right up there with breathing and food and water...
good luck, feel free to email me if i can help you at all
chelle

(in reply to akgirl624)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/24/2007 12:45:03 AM   
BigDaddyNJ


Posts: 101
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: New Jersey
Status: offline 		I totally agree with what chelle wrote.  Having personally played with a submissive couple before, I know its very possible if both parties are willing. 

Feel free to email me if you'd like more specifics.

_____________________________

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/27/2007 1:28:48 PM   
M2f


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		i have an other opstion for your the next time you have him tied up  , leave him for say 20 minutes if he wants to be left then return and blindfold him and tease him , make him want you tease him for say 20 minutes then when your ready get on top and ride him , i think you both love it and if your not happy to bring in others you may find this better for you , hope it works out for yuo both allan

(in reply to BigDaddyNJ)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/27/2007 4:34:43 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You've got some good advice there. We know a sub couple who manage nicely with a combination of all those things - they take turns and also get others to help them with the things they don't get from each other. For example, one of them likes the cane, and the other can't bear to do it, so my husband helps with the caning so they get that need satisfied.

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to M2f)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/28/2007 12:08:25 PM   
GraceKlutz


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/28/2007
Status: offline 		honey, you need ot take charge and get your needs met, at least partially.  Tie his ass up, blindfold him and sit on his face and tell him to lick that thing until you scream in delight. If he doesn't do it right, whip his ass until he begs to do it right.

Take that vibrator and ride his ass and tell him he better be up to satifying you, on demand or you are going to get a big strap on dick and show him who is the boss around here and do it.

You can also tease his cock and make him beg to have sex with you, but make sure he makes you come FIRST and make him be a submissive slave. 


(in reply to LadyHeart)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/28/2007 12:12:08 PM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceKlutz

honey, you need ot take charge and get your needs met, at least partially.  Tie his ass up, blindfold him and sit on his face and tell him to lick that thing until you scream in delight. If he doesn't do it right, whip his ass until he begs to do it right.

Take that vibrator and ride his ass and tell him he better be up to satifying you, on demand or you are going to get a big strap on dick and show him who is the boss around here and do it.

You can also tease his cock and make him beg to have sex with you, but make sure he makes you come FIRST and make him be a submissive slave. 




She said she is also submissive, so this advise will not help her. Only communication between her and her husband about needs and desires and compromise will help. Not trying to be dominant when clearly, she is sub as well.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to GraceKlutz)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/28/2007 12:52:24 PM   
GraceKlutz


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/28/2007
Status: offline 		HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?

(in reply to SexyRed)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/29/2007 8:14:27 AM   
socali6969


Posts: 47
Joined: 5/21/2005
From: NW Georgia
Status: offline 		Hi akgirl624
I think you should cuck him,,,,get yourself a Dom lover who will,along with your direction, cuck him as he plays with you  It either will wake him up to wanting you..or put him into a permanent cuck state whereby, you can make him pleasure you any way you want...and still have others it you want.  Maybe this is beyond where you want to go, but just another idea.....this lifestyle seems to be growing popularity. 

_____________________________

(quote) life is short...enjoy this moment
socali6969

(in reply to GraceKlutz)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 7/31/2007 11:12:44 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		grace, your suggesting her to Dom him, not what she seeks.

CP

(in reply to GraceKlutz)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 6:37:09 AM   
MonaclesVelvet


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/5/2007
Status: offline 		If you are serious, you and your hubby need to search for other Doms, perhaps on other wed sites, who will be willing to sit down with you and discuss what it is that you both want.  There are so many different ways you can go as in the level of submission you want/need, and if you want to allow others into your lives.  Will this affect your marriage?

(in reply to akgirl624)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 6:39:29 AM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceKlutz

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?


That is MY opinion. What a class act you are...ugh.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to GraceKlutz)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 6:43:47 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Well, the second half of the name kinda warned I suppose....klutz.......in manners anyway it appears.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SexyRed)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 6:52:14 AM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Well, the second half of the name kinda warned I suppose....klutz.......in manners anyway it appears.


Yes, I always love oxymorons.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 7:07:29 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips His lid to all;

Interesting comment klutz when the OP clearly states Domminence is not at all part of her gig (you sound like a married man typing one handed on a fetish site).

To the OP.  You both enjoy being submissive, and I question why you seem so stressed now.  You both appear to have communication so tell him that you should both visit a BDSM club for a look see.  It will open your eyes to further possibilities, allow you to meet people that clearly understand what you think and you'll both leave the club with alot of personal thoughts to throw about to each other.  There is no pressure for either of your to involve yourselves in any play and you could both go there with that agreement (as you may both find yourselves taken aback by the sights).   Revisit the club with both your thoughts more alighned and find others that you can share and reinforce your thoughts with.   The going to the club is the hardest thing- after that you question why you'd stressed about your orientations for so long.

YOU WILL NOT FIND THE ANSWERS HERE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP- Many here and on other sites have no idea but give advice as experts and generally from their own narrow perspectives.  (apologies to the many exceptions that reside on Collar Me!)

Warm regards to all,  Driver.

I wish you both well.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 7:11:38 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		AK,

First off, don't let anyone pigeon hole you two and don't listen to anyone saying find someone outside your relationship.  You two have a solid relationship, WORK on that.  Explain to him that you have needs, that if YOURS aren't getting met, his won't either.  Yes that means taking some control but only so you can surrender it.  Be open and honest with each other and strive to come to a comprimise that works for you two.

Find out what he gets emotionally out of being tied up and left alone and see if some of that can't be met other ways as well.

ONLY if you two cannot work it out together might you think about bringing in a third, but that path is fraught with risk to your relationship.  Never do it out of spite but only if you two have tried to work it out and want to stay together and he is totally on board with it.  Either that or end the relationship which from the sounds of it would be a sad loss.

(in reply to akgirl624)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 7:20:37 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		My 2 cents. Explain to him that you have been doing as he wants, and now its his turn. Simple. Explain to him that if HE enjoys it, you might as well. Explain to him (and ask him not to object while you are expaining, these things never go quite as well when the other party gets defensie while you are speaking) that you have needs that are not being met, while his all are. Try and come to a compromise where you take turns, or you have some other sort of schedule by which each of you takes command. If he is anywhere near as dedicated to making the relationwhip work as you are, he will at least try to make you happy as well. He just needs to be made to properly understand that there are things on his end that he is not taking care of.  If he cannot be bothered to put his own needs second to take yours into account, then you might have to consider either leaving him, or having a 3rd party involved. Always use that as a last effort, unless it is something you both actively want.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 8:48:01 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Diurnal has an excellent point.  Saying "you never" seldom if ever gets a good response but "oh my god I would get so horny if you did x" or "It would make me so happy if you did x" has a much better chance of being heard.  Framing things in "I" statements rather than "you" statements is a great way of changing a bad communication dynamic.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 9:33:38 AM   
chey


Posts: 121
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		Michael and DV that was terrific advice! I have no objections to a third party but also feel you should be careful about the motivation for it. I also feel strongly that you should have a solid relationship with each other before bringing others into it. akgirl I agree that the first step is trying some of the advice offered in order to work this out with him before you look elsewhere. I wish you both the best of luck!

Grace, I believe they know she is submissive because she says so in her original post.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: HUGE Dillema- need advise - 8/1/2007 2:05:27 PM   
akgirl624


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		I can't thank you all enough for all the advise, some I will definately take some points into account over others but I am willing to give it my all. I think my husband and I have a great relationship aside from this and I know we can make this work for the  both of us. I don't think bringing in a 3rd party would help for us but thank you covering all the bases.
Diurnal for your suggestion I am willing to change how I talk about this because I do find myself blaming him and pointing the finger a lot of the times saying "you don't do this" " why can you do that" " I hate doing this because YOU don't do anything for me" I do so much for him and it's sometimes very draining to not get anything in return.
GraceKlutz- I also thank you for your input however as much as I would like to take charge and give my husband exactly what he wants that is absolutely not in my nature or am I comfortable acting that way. I have tried and feel like a complete idiot and I supposed a huge turn off when I am so insecure. Maybe next time it would be in your best interest to read the entire post so you can get a complete understanding on whats going on.

-Akgirl

(in reply to chey)
Profile   Post #: 20
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