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submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:40:02 AM

submissiveness

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline

I've lost my submissiveness.   I just walked out on Dom #2..    The first Dom, well he never really wanted me, I was just someone to fill the void.

My second Dom, well we were together for 5 months, living and working together, in the beginning things were great, his behavior towards me gradually deteriorated.   He became almost cruel and unfeeling towards me. I tried harder and harder to gain his love.   Then one day I found out, he was still searching for a submissive. Living with me telling me I was the one and only and searching online morning and night.

When I told him that I knew, yeah for a few days he was extremely kind and affectionate, promising me the sun and moon, but after only a few days he was back to being cold and mean.

Long story short I left.   How does one be a submissive when you are afraid to trust.   My heart has been riped out and stomped on twice, both times Dominant men where to blame. I want this lifestyle more than I can tell you but there has to be trust. How do I trust again?

Post #: 1

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:47:53 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I have trust issues myself. But, I remind myself that it's not the new guy's fault, he didn't hurt me and I tell him about those issues and why they exist. All it will take is one willing to hold my hand while I traverse the chasm and learn to trust him completely.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 2

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:48:11 AM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

I have trust issues, more with my emotions than anything else about me.

Take it slowly, get to know someone well before you commit.

Lots of communication. I knew Master for a good 6 months of constant talking, discussions on what we wanted, before I completely trusted him. Only a few months ago, was I really ready to move forward to the M/s relationship he wants (after 18 months of knowing him).

He is the most patient man I have ever known. Something I really needed.

< Message edited by greeneyes1962 -- 7/25/2007 9:49:34 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:50:01 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Learn why YOU choose such cold hearted idiots? What patterns of yours cause you to meet men like this, what causes you to entertain a relationship with them, and what allows you to fall in love with them.

They ARE assholes but YOU chose them, figure out why and you will be a lot happier.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 4

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:50:38 AM

sphinx78

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

Greetings

The best way is to stop looking for a while and begin learning to trust yourself. After a bit, come back and start attending munches in your area. Make friends, both Dominant and submissive friends alike. Get yourself some good social time with others of a like mind, and get yourself invited to parties. This is where you can begin learning to trust another again.

Take it slowly, though. Don't attend a munch until you've had a bit of time to heal your heart. Don't attend a party until you've had a bit of time to make friends. Those relationships will help prepare you for a new Dom.

well wishes

^[sphinx]^

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 5

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:50:46 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

How does one be a submissive when you are afraid to trust.

In a word, you can't. (Okay, actually that was two words).

both times Dominant men where to blame.

This may hurt, and I say it with all due respect, and not to hurt you further. You DO have a part to share in the blame. We tend to pick people for deeply seated psychological reasons. Why are you choosing to be with men who end up hurting you? What is it about them that turns you on?

My advice, before you go into any further D/s relationships, have a good talk with yourself, or even better with a trusted friend if available. You have to get inside yourself and understand you. Only then will you be able to make better decisions on who to trust.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 6

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:52:14 AM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It is impossible to trust when you are with untrustworthy people. You might work more on how you choose a Dom.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 7

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 9:58:11 AM

MsOpal

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

Dear submissiveness,

You have fallen onto one of the most difficult things in any lifestyle, any type of relationship. It is sad that right off the bat, you have been treated this way twice. I am not sure if this sort of treatment is any more prevelent in "the lifestyle" or if it's really about the same across all areas of life. We may hear about it more because our community at large is really quite small and we have these messgae boards and e-lists where we all communicate, so we hear about this happening. But sometimes it seems like we hear about it a lot. Trust, imho, is important in any relationship and it is the hardest won and easiest lost. It's importance seems to be amplified in a Ds relationship and when it is taken advantage of it can be devestating.

If I were you, I would concentrate on other things in the lifestyle for a while. Join a group of some sort if you have not already. There are wonderful sub support groups in many areas. They are not "dom-bashing" groups, just small gatherings of subs for fellowship, asking questions, learning things, and general support. Concentrate on just being you for now. Go to classes, lectures, meetings. Meet others, D and s, make friends and do not seek any relationship other than friendships. Sometimes group gatherings are looking for 'serving subs' and you could offer to be one. If you are invited to a party or small meeting, offer to come early or stay late and help the hostess. If a larger group has parties ask if they need help setting up or preparing the food. Just make friends. I would also remember there is another side to life and be sure those needs are filled. Go to art galleries or museums or whatever sort of thing you enjoy. Take time to enhance your life and do things you enjoy. Maybe take class on something you'd love to learn from a new language to cake decorating.

As you make new friends and gain new skills and maybe discover new interests, your confidence will gradually begin to grow as well. You can then have a group of friends who will support you as you begin to open yourself to the possibility of once again being part of a sincere Ds relationship. This type of hurt can make you afraid of everyone for the rest of your life or it can be a catalyst to an even better life. You can make that choice. You have to be a strong woman in order to give yourself to another, so call on your strength now and know you will one day be found by the one person who will value you and what you are.

Take good care of yourself,
Opal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

and I did.

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 8

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:01:22 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I was not trusting at all when I first met my Master. I then had to remind myself that he wasn't anyone else, this was a new relationship, and it is possible for a nice guy to actually exist in the bdsm world. I was more careful about who I picked, I set standards and stuck with them, and I never, ever thought I deserved less than who was perfect for me.

I had a time not long ago when something very innocent happened (yes, it really was). The first thing in my head was something from the past and I wanted to accuse. I then talked to him about it instead and why I had the feelings I had. He understood where those thoughts came from and I am once again content with the way things are.

We have to find the key to the past and why we picked those people in order not to do it again.

Perhaps you have always picked those that treated you bad, or you have always settled for less because you didn't think you deserved more. Take a look at yourself and realize how valuable you are. Until you do, no one else will.

I don't mean that harsh, but you have to recognize and stop the pattern before you end up hurt again.

His bella

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 9

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:12:21 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Michael,

I do everything that I should do to avoid the jerks. I don't stick to one "type" of guy. I spend a lot of time getting to know them, asking them questions, explaining my position and expectations. I am not in a cycle of meeting the same man over and over. The thing is, until most men meet a woman whom they feel is truly special, whom is just perhaps that "one", they're just not going to be honest with the others. They simply don't feel that it's necessary. Notice I said "most", not all.

Me, I know it's just a matter of time and that right person. Meantime, I'll take a risk now and then...how else am I supposed to find that right person without that risk?

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 10

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:15:08 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

You have to take time to search and when you meet that person get to know them REALLY well before accepting them as your dominant (and vice versa). This requires time from both people. There are lots of players and users out there and they usually are in a big hurry. A person who is willing to invest their time and themselves in a relationship is usually a good indication that they are in it for the long term.
Communication is crucial as you need to let them know what your needs/wants/desires are and they need to match. If you find that you keep meeting men that treat you the same way, then for some reason you are picking these type of men. I know there are wonderful Dominant males out there, you just have to pick through until you find the one that is right for you.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 11

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:15:20 AM

submissiveness

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for your responses. I'm trying to be a stronger person. In someways this last relationship taught me a few things about myself.. One that nobody deserves to be treated with such little respect. Maybe I allowed this because I have little respect for myself. I've taken a long hard look at myself. I'm not the prettiest women or the most intelligent but I'm a good person! I don't deserve the kind of treatment that I allowed these men to inflict on me.
I'm going to take sometime to regroup and find myself once again.
I don't know what draws me to assholish men, its always been that way. I have little selfworth and possibly I'm thinking their the best I can do. A bird in the bush is better than etc,etc.
Well at least I'm realizing I'm worth more, or at least I'm realizing that my happiness matters.
Thank you for your kind words.

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 12

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:16:25 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

First, to trust you must be strong. A weak sub has little to give, whether trust or submission. Then as others have said, do a lot of soul searching and discover why you chose those two Dominants. Only by understanding why you chose poorly can you learn from those mistakes and choose more wisely next time.

Then take some time off for you. Make yourself a better person. Learn something new such as belly dancing, a foreign language, etiquette, etc. Learning will give you new self confidence.

Then, once you are feeling better about yourself, write a new profile. Get a new picture that doesn't make you look so cowed. Have a picture that shows how happy you are and what a great smile you have.

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 13

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:27:00 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

both times Dominant men where to blame.

You have no responsibility in it at all? Such as how you choose partners? Or perhaps move too quickly between relationships? I think perhaps the best thing for you may be to slow down (a lot) and so some other things and not be so obsessed about finding a relationship and aching to be in the lifestyle.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 14

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:30:34 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Time and learning to trust yourself again

http://www.collarchat.com/m_548339/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#548757
To trust or not to trust

http://www.collarchat.com/m_534521/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#534848
trust and abandonment issues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_48957/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#48957
trust betrayed by master

http://www.collarchat.com/m_96129/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#96129
will I ever trust a man again

http://www.collarchat.com/m_329482/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#329482
learning to trust again after being hurt

http://www.collarchat.com/m_346651/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#346651
how do you deal with broken trust?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398537/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#398537
trust...how to mend when it is broken

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 15

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:32:33 AM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

I've sent you a message on the other side.

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 16

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:32:46 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

i don't know about anyone else but when i get to the point of thinking i should be single for the rest of my life, or i'll be just hetro or just a lesbian or anything else not true to myself i find the only way to make it any better is to concentrate on me for a long time...and when its time i will find the right person...so far its been the right person for a small period of my life...hopefully i can find what i need for a much much longer period of time next time i find the right person(s)...in the mean time i don't let myself sit around and watch 24/7 Law and Order or CSI or sit in front of the computer chatting in chat rooms creating a fantasy that is more pleasent than reality...i spend some time doing each of these things because i enjoy them, but i also get out and visit friends, go shopping, if its the right time i take a couple of classes (you don't have to take classes for credit, you can take them just to better yourself whether it be learning pottery or developing another skill i already have)
good luck
take care of you so that you will have something to offer when the right one comes along...
chelle

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 17

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 10:35:25 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

They ARE assholes but YOU chose them, figure out why and you will be a lot happier.

I generally try to keep months between relationships of any length of time. I want to figure out what precipitated the end of the relationship so I can avoid repeat performances in future relationships.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 18

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 11:11:27 AM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissiveness

I've lost my submissiveness.   I just walked out on Dom #2..    The first Dom, well he never really wanted me, I was just someone to fill the void.

My second Dom, well we were together for 5 months, living and working together, in the beginning things were great, his behavior towards me gradually deteriorated.   He became almost cruel and unfeeling towards me. I tried harder and harder to gain his love.   Then one day I found out, he was still searching for a submissive. Living with me telling me I was the one and only and searching online morning and night.

When I told him that I knew, yeah for a few days he was extremely kind and affectionate, promising me the sun and moon, but after only a few days he was back to being cold and mean.

Long story short I left.   How does one be a submissive when you are afraid to trust.   My heart has been riped out and stomped on twice, both times Dominant men where to blame. I want this lifestyle more than I can tell you but there has to be trust. How do I trust again?

1st i am sorry that you are having a hard time....i would like to point out just a few things i saw here..... you stated you and your 2nd dom were together for 5 months and living and working together. OMG...you actuallly moved in after 5 months...geezus.... then you went on to say his behavior in the beginning was great....WHAT???....after only 5 months that IS the beginning....then you say his behaviour gradually started to deteriorate.....GRADUALLY...what?...if you were already living together after such a short time...what was it ...a matter of a few days when he started treating you badly?...i submit to you that you trust way to easily.... it sounds like you need to slow WAY the hell down......i hope you can resolve this in yourself before to repeat this destructive pattern any more.

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to submissiveness)

Post #: 19

RE: submissiveness without trust? - 7/25/2007 11:16:13 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

I too believe you can't say that both the dominants were to blame. Everyone in a relationship contributes to the make or break of it. Your first dominant...it seemed that you knew you were filler, yet you hung around. This second one instead of talking to him about his want to find another, you tried to be what you thought he wanted. Sounds to me like you didn't know what he wanted.

You have to think about why you are entering into the relationship. Are you really doing this because it is right or because it is easy and filling a short term need for you as well? You have to evaluate you and your mindsets.... then break out of the paradigm in which you are stuck.

Once you trust yourself, you can trust others.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 20

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