Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied?

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Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 10:43:27 AM

maryelena

Posts: 25
Joined: 10/15/2006
Status: offline

While I understand we are different people, I was looking for feedback from submissives on their experiences with this lifestyle and the vanilla life. Once you began to be submissive and kinky, going to the clubs and playing , maybe playing with another person (male or female) under your Doms supervison, indulging in semi public play etc, did you find it harder to be content with him alone?

Another question, if you ever did try and return to a vanilla relationship was is sexually boring after you delved into the lifestyle for a time?

I really do not expect,or want this to be a long term lifestyle for me (too complicated and private to explain), and I fear the consequences of going into the water too deeply even though I have fun, fun, fun when I stick my toes in!

Post #: 1

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 11:02:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: maryelena
While I understand we are different people, I was looking for feedback from submissives on their experiences with this lifestyle and the vanilla life. Once you began to be submissive and kinky, going to the clubs and playing , maybe playing with another person (male or female) under your Doms supervison, indulging in semi public play etc, did you find it harder to be content with him alone?

This is a fairly common thing, though not at all universal.

Specially for people who alread have insecurites and weaknesses in their relationship and turn to kink as a way to try and re-solidify things. It helps at first because it's a new and exciting thing together, but then that wears off and the old issues come right back. Now you've got a distraction that's shiny and new so it makes sense to suddenly be wanting "all that."

quote:

Another question, if you ever did try and return to a vanilla relationship was is sexually boring after you delved into the lifestyle for a time?

There are many people who swap back and forth several times. There are many people who try and go back and figure out it doesn't work. There are many who don't try to go back at all.

And there are some who find that vanilla is actually where they are happiest.

What you really need to do is make sure the relationship is solid with your partner. You really need to make sure you are doing this because it fits you, not because you're running from something and think this will just make it better. And you need to stop worrying so much about "going back" and just deal with what is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 11:07:41 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I haven't even tasted M/s and I don't date vanilla. Its all or nothing, I get a lot of nothing LOL.

couldn't even imagine trying vanilla if I had experience.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 11:34:43 AM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

I've tried Vanilla on a number of times and it just hasn't worked for me, but I was never satisfied in Vanilla to begin with.

That said, I'm trying to do the vanilla thing as well as looking here now. This time, I'm emphasizing GGG and really planning on, once I'm getting intimate with someone, of letting them know what I want. I don't want 24/7 and I don't even like pain--I just like someone to physically dominate me and take charge in the bedroom. I'm fine if that is 40% of the time and vanilla 60%--hell at least half of my sex life, no matter what is happening, is in my head anyway and I want a really strong relationship as well. In my experience, too many "Doms" are unwilling to compromise on relationship issues outside the bedroom. I want someone who wants a strong relationship and will compromise to have it.

I'm also taking some advice from Dan Savage here--he says you don't present this like you've got cancer--you present it like the other person just won the lottery "You are SO lucky, but I get off on knowing I'm fulfilling your wildest fantasy--all I want from you is to know you are getting exactly what you want and make it happen." How the hell could any sexual guy not want that? Now, I haven't met anyone I'm intimate with yet, but I did put on a profile where it says "what only your closest friends know about you" "ask me on our sixth date," so that's my game plan. I don't know, just my random musings about where I'm at right now.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 12:03:24 PM

maryelena

Posts: 25
Joined: 10/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you all for input. I am remain conflicted, but felt I could get honest candid feedabck here. I look forward to hearing from others.

Kossak what is GGG?

When you say too many Doms are unwilling to compromise outsdie of the bedroom do you mean things like how you dress in public, what movie you see, restaurant you eat at etc or dominating things in your life when you are away from them?

I think I fear going wild, wild, wild, loving it them regretting it. The whole realm of bisexuality for example has me intrigued and afraid.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 12:16:53 PM

kossack

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Joined: 8/5/2006
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GGG is "Good Giving and Game" which sort of means--I'll do what you want and expect likewise.

I want a relationship of equals, with submission in the bedroom realm. I want someone to take my needs into account and not just say 'this is the way it is.' I've never had someone try to control how I dress when I work (which I could never do). But I mean on the entire communication realm, on the 'what do we do with our lives' realm. What is important enough that we make it a priority for us? Are we going to watch TV for 40 hours a week, or meditate a couple times a week? Like I don't have a single activity that is a must-have or a dealbreaker, but I want someone who cares about personal growth and communication. Someone who wants a life partner and someone to grow with.

I'm also at this weird place where I think I might want to consider the possiblity of maybe wanting to have a kid. My career is in shape. If all goes well, I'll have a great place to live by the end of the summer. It isn't a huge deal for me--I'd never planned on it, but if I do want to, I don't have much time left. It is making me reconsider what is important to me.

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 2:00:57 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I now tend not to date people who I didn't think are proably "liberal" enough not to want to give "kiny stuff" a try, even if they are "Vanilla". I will date "Vanilla" people if I get a vibe they are open-minded eough to maybe want to try BDSM - although I do admit it can be really, truly hard to tell if they will or won't try it.

I recently dated a "Vanilla" person who had no BDSM experience at all, but I felt their personality was such that I felt free to mention I wanted to try it at some point. They sort of cringed at the idea, and when we did try it, I could tell, even over time, that they weren't really going to be "into" it (and they also said that to me). Then I felt the relationship was sort of "doomed" (or at least I was - I really guess maybe I am very attached to my "kinks"). It was a pretty short-lived (less than a month) relationship. Probably best for both of us that it ended. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 2:03:07 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 3:03:40 PM

lonlyrossInNeed

Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
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i would never go back to being vanilla this is just what i have to say on this i couldnt do it and wouldnt want to try
if i did i would not be who i am right now

ross.g

_____________________________

To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 4:03:18 PM

completenz

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

for me the answer is yes, way too difficult.
Before C and i found each other i tried. i had some bdsm experience when i took a break and started dating a vanilla guy. He was so cute but i always felt 'something' was missing. i knew deep down that i needed more. i could not ignore that need so i came back here.
C was the next Dom i met and the rest, as they say, is history

c

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 4:05:29 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I can not be satisfied if I am not true to myself. Being his slave is what brings me to my own inner truth.

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 5:58:25 PM

frazzle40

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

Having tried returning to vanilla more than once.

Firstly i get nothing from it and secondly end up feeling im just using the other person, knowing it isnt what i really want.

Not particularly honest or fair which ever way you look at it, to me or him.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 6:36:11 PM

viperess

Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

Greetings,

It would all depend on the person trying to go back in to the vanillia world. As for myself i tried it a few years back after a pretty bad experience. In my ccase it was not a good thing as i felt like i was slowly dieing inside not being able to be the true me. i am a slave from the very core of my being out and trying to be something else is just not part of my genetic makeup. For those that are able to flip flop between the two worlds i wish all the best but as for me, at my Masters feet is where i feel the most alive.

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

(in reply to frazzle40)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 7:07:29 PM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

I was in a long term vanilla marriage, and was unhappy for most of it.

I never understood why he didn't appreciate my desire to give and do for him.

I didn't understand why I was the way I am, until I came accross a BDSM
website accidentally. That's when everything clicked for me.

I can't see myself ever going back to vanilla.

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 8:03:11 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I think that I could. It would depend on the person I was with and how the relationship was formed. For me it would be more of a traditional type, that is pretty much what I prefer. I suppose I am not even sure what vanilla is anymore. I just get up everyday and I exist in the relationship I am in. To some more hardcore it is probably vanilla, for others it is really kinky. It just is what it is, and I am what I am able to be in it.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/27/2007 8:22:37 PM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: maryelena
did you find it harder to be content with him alone?

No, I never find it hard to be alone with Master. I can find comfort being in any situation he wants me in, simply because he wants it.

quote:

Another question, if you ever did try and return to a vanilla relationship was is sexually boring after you delved into the lifestyle for a time?

I did try and run from the lifestyle (or whatever you want to call it) in the very begining. I came back not because vanilla was sexually boring but because i wasnt being who i needed to be.

edited to add .. I love sleaztbutterfly's quote.

quote:

And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. ~F

< Message edited by LaMspeach -- 7/27/2007 8:27:18 PM >

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/28/2007 7:34:43 AM

stockingluvr54

Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle40

Having tried returning to vanilla more than once.

Firstly i get nothing from it and secondly end up feeling im just using the other person, knowing it isnt what i really want.

Not particularly honest or fair which ever way you look at it, to me or him.

Thanks! I needed to hear that. Had a goal set to find a partner within 5 yrs. and have just recently passed that mark with zippo, nothing! Usually I set a goal and if and when I find it unobtainable I abandon the goal and move on to something more realistic. So lately I've been sitting here at that fork in the road trying to figure out what to do? Your words just reconfirmed what I already knew deep down inside. Thanks again.....

(in reply to frazzle40)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/28/2007 9:57:28 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I honestly WISH I could be vanilla, it would that much easier (only a tiny bit easier) to meet the right person. But there is no way in hell I can be vanilla...I have met a number of very nice vanilla men in the past few years and it could never work with them, no matter how smart, nice, kind, sweet they were because they were so vanilla. Even if the interest to be not vanilla is there, it is not the same as meeting a person who has totally embraced their desires. I have also found that many vanilla men try not to judge your interests, but they really do deep down and they feel that there might be something a bit wrong with a woman who wants to do what???

So, no vanilla and the search goes on...

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to stockingluvr54)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/28/2007 10:14:40 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Well thought out question maryelena (wish I could do as well) :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: maryelena

While I understand we are different people, I was looking for feedback from submissives on their experiences with this lifestyle and the vanilla life. Once you began to be submissive
At first I didnt like this phrase. But being a submissive type personality is very different than actually submitting to a man, a dominant man, who also enjoys the control not only sexual, but of a relationship.

and kinky,
Now that I am much better at picking men who are not antisocial or a sociopath, I could probably could, if I wanted find a dominant man in the nilla world, but not one who could feed the sexual appetite that a D/s, M/s relationship does.

going to the clubs and playing , maybe playing with another person (male or female) under your Doms supervison, indulging in semi public play etc, did you find it harder to be content with him alone?
No. Good question. I like the fact that he has made our relationship private, definitely monagomous, yet with room to play if he brings a player in. If he never brought someone else in, ever, I'd be just as happy as I am now.    I think though, solidifying a relationship is important first.

Another question, if you ever did try and return to a vanilla relationship was is sexually boring after you delved into the lifestyle for a time?
Hasnt happened to me, I hope it doesnt, but I have one very important goal, I would rather be alone, than with just anyone.

I really do not expect,or want this to be a long term lifestyle for me (too complicated and private to explain), and I fear the consequences of going into the water too deeply even though I have fun, fun, fun when I stick my toes in!

You are probably not alone in this view.
Sounds as if you have found your place right now.
Enjoy it ! Have fun !

Sir's cum sucking slut

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to maryelena)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/28/2007 10:32:35 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMspeach
No, I never find it hard to be alone with Master. I can find comfort being in any situation he wants me in, simply because he wants it.

Wow - Amen to that!

(in reply to LaMspeach)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it difficult to returm to vanilla and be staisfied? - 7/28/2007 11:10:25 AM

Lilgirl4BigDaddy

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/28/2007
Status: offline

The simple answer is no, i don't think that i could be satified with a vanilla relationship at this point...

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 20

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