How do you go on when you are dismissed/left?

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How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 8:45:00 AM

desiresluv

Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline

I have a question for the submissives...I met a Dom from another state...he visited...we fell in love... (well..i did)...and made plans to be together. He disappeared in March without a trace. I looked everywhere for him...I called his neighbors, the police, every place in the world I could think he might have been. I felt hurt, betrayed...used. And..he was talking with another sub from Texas so it seems. When she and I talked, he had disappeared from her life the same way. She had never met him in r/l as I had, but still, I respect her feelings of loving him. We have actually become friends. She is in the same shape as me...unable to move ahead or trust anymore. He told her while he was away he was going to make his decision concerning us...but of course, he never told her who it would have been. He lied about so many things to both of us. ~sighs~

In the months that we spent together, I gave this man my heart, soul, and trust. I held up my end of the relationship...I gave him unconditional love and trust. It seems he has been indisposed in a situation he could not control. I do not wish to betray where that might have been...but I believe it. Only because it is feasible.

Anyway...my problem is this. I know he is not the one for me. I know I should not care. I know I should move on. And for the time he has been away...I have. But now...he is back...and I find that the same feelings I had for him before are still there. As crazy as that sounds...I can not control how I feel. Can I? I know all the reasons why I should just let it go...someone please...tell me...how do you get your heart to listen to your head???

Our relationship was a good one...I thought. The last words he said to me before disappearing was..I love you. Do you think I just never got closure...and therefore am afraid to let completely go? I find it so hard to trust anyone. I used to trust everybody. I guess if I can get an answer from another prospective it will help me to see it more clearly.

Is it possible to just move ahead without letting the past dictate me? In r/l I am a strong and confident woman...able to make decisions...but since all this happened I am very insecure. I know longer trust myself to do what is best for me.

Feel free to read my journal if you like. I have met a nice local Dom from here. He is very kind, but even with him I am holding back. Afraid to let go...and more afraid not to. Thanks so much...

Post #: 1

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 9:02:28 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

as far as the wanting to go back remember the lies and the hurt that you felt and are still feeling. When he tries to worm his way back into your heart or explain things remember that you can't believe anything that he says because he is a liar.

Now for the trusting again part first you have to learn to trust yourself again you made a mistake and trusted the wrong person it will take time to believe that you have learned from that mistake again. Also as a wise One here once told me there is nothing wrong with not giving your trust away too soon and making someone earn that trust
lil_joy

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 9:08:56 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

the only way to get your heart to listen to you head is through trial and error, and when you make enough mistakes, then it starts listening or you become nothing more than a crushed shell of a person that lives their life in regret.

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:24:44 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

As far as wanting closure -- when someone treats you badly, isn't that closure enough? It works for me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:28:13 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

It hurts, but after you gotten through the grief, and reflected on where you were and where you are, it always comes down to this: Living well is the best revenge.

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:30:53 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

You have to choose to move on. You have to choose to put what's past in the past. You have to choose to close the door and leave it closed. You have to choose to take the risk of loving and trusting again.

Happiness is not a gift from someone else. It's a choice you make for yourself.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:53:32 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I think abandonment is one of the cruelest ways of leaving a relationship, as it is so destructive to the one who was abandoned. I am sorry for your pain.

It's probably going to be really hard for you to trust the next man that comes along, but you must remember that the walls you build will protect you from beauty and joy as much as they'll protect you from pain. Redirect your focus, and decide to strive for strength and happiness. You can anchor yourself to the past, where you remain in your pain, or you can bring yourself to a better future, knowing you can reach happiness if you work for it.

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:55:59 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

You can't control how you feel, but you do control what you do and how you act.

Obviously, he's good at what he does. You can believe that he's said, "I love you" to many other online subs in his career. I've been the victim (and I use that term very tongue-in-cheek) of the online lothario, with the silver "tongue/fingers". They're nothing but game players and trust me, aren't capable of functioning in a healthy real time relationship like you are dreaming of. That's why they play the games on line and skip from person to person to person to person...... He gets off on making women fall in love with him and then disappearing when it's time for the next step to happen, because he can't do it.

Just chalk this up to a lesson learned, enjoy the friendship you made with his ofher "victim" and lean on each other to stay strong. Remember, the crap he types on the screen is just that, words on a screen. From now on, you're holding out for someone who can be there in reality, ok?

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 11:04:20 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

Sadly, this happens whether it is only online or whether you have actually met and started a relationship in real life. People just go poof; we read about it all the time here and elsewhere. I know you seek closure, but it does not really help the pain.

If someone does not want to be with you, that is it, no pretty closure speeches will work. You only have two choices: stop looking and close yourself up from future hurt or keep being open but selective and keep guarded until you you can trust little by little.

I feel for you, I really do, we have all gone through this and sometimes multiple times in the pursuit of the right one.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 11:28:30 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

You will move on exactly the same as any vanilla woman in your situation. You cry, you spend some time out with the girls, and eventually you realize he wasn't worth your time and you move on to someone is.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 11:41:23 AM

krista

Posts: 109
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i have felt the pain you speak of ...and have recovered as well..it helped me to spend some time reminding myself that i did not deserve to be treated in such a way..that this person will offend again..as it is THEIR issue..not mine..

Such serial liars repeat this behavior whenever they can can..Do not allow yourself to think it would be any different ..ever..You would only be buying more tears..

When ever i have had sorrow in my life..i found it helped..to simply find ways to help others..Volunteers are needed in so many places..food banks..homeless shelters..nursing homes...When focusing on the needs of others..i heal..

regards
krista
joy through service

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 11:53:21 AM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: desiresluv

I know longer trust myself to do what is best for me.

Yes, and that's the problem. It's not a matter of trusting someone new, it's a matter of trusting yourself again.

And why should you? I mean, that stupid bitch (you) fucked up your life. She was supposed to be right, dammit. No fucking excuses, you trusted her. And little Miss Know-It-All screwed up. Well fuck that shit, that's the last time she gets near a man!

Are you getting the picture here? What he did to you is over, past, gone, poof. This is all about what you are doing to you now. And he's back? Ooooooo! Maybe you weren't wrong! A second chance to be right!

Stop. Just stop. Sometimes you're wrong. Shit happens. Forgive yourself.

Hugs.

K.

edit: Yes I know you asked for advice from submissives/slaves. But out-of-category contributions seem generally acceptable here in CM. If I've erred, then please forgive me too while you're at it.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 7/29/2007 12:06:53 PM >

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 12:17:24 PM

desiresluv

Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline

A thank to all that have posted on this. It helps to hear advice...I am beginning to see the situation as it was...and I know I could never go back. I guess my closure comes from within...and that is where I have to start...and Kirata..thank you for your input as well. I will continue on my journey of submissiveness as it is in my soul to do so. Next time though...I hope it the right One...thanks again...*hugs* to my new friends..

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 9:50:25 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Loosing a relationship has a mourning process just like loosing a person to death. It HURTS. It takes time to heal. Plug into your support network of likeminded people...and give it time.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:07:41 PM

rick121x

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/5/2005
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline

To help submissives who have been dismissed: The deep distress does not only happen to submissives. I am a top, who was dismissed by his submissive a little over two years ago - the first reversal I experienced while in the BDSM world. I am just a little more the mature, and have had relationships go bad several times in my life. Each was painful and difficult. However, I cannot compare the pain and anguish with all of them put together with the diffulty in this one. The only explanation I can imagine is that the depth of our inner selves that we expose and experience in a BDSM relations is so very much more probing and intense than in any other relationship.

Two years now..., and I am a lot better, but damn, it would seem my inner self was so deeply connected in this relationship that I cannot believe it. I still have flashbacks and loss of sleep.... I sympathize and understand... and wish I had a solution for you ... and for me.

Richard

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 10:59:49 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

My advice? Slow down. You're getting your heart ahead of your brains, and whenever that happens, you're headed for heartbreak! Hurt can and will happen, even in situations that seem extremely stable and safe, but where long distances and the internet are concerned, people flake out ALOT. Adding BDSM into the mix only seems to make it worse.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/29/2007 11:10:18 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

In a vanilla relationship of some years length, and after hearing over and over and over again that things would be "different this time", I finally clicked that nothing was ever going to be different.

Don't waste time on people who have shown themselves to be unreliable, dishonest and who have hurt you, because I can almost guarantee that they will hurt you again (and not in a good way!!).

Treat your heart and yourself gently, take time to heal the hurt and think before you go flinging back into a situation where someone has hurt not only you, but another in the same way (and God knows how many others).

Blessings and Hugs x

Edited to add this, he didn't even have the decency to dismiss you, he just buggered off. NOT a nice person.

< Message edited by MissMagnolia -- 7/29/2007 11:12:17 PM >

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/30/2007 1:29:54 AM

sphinx78

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It hurts, but after you gotten through the grief, and reflected on where you were and where you are, it always comes down to this: Living well is the best revenge.

Greetings

i think this is very good advice and to the OP, please be strong. Put him on ignore. Block him. If you see him walking toward you on the street, turn around and walk the other way. Hang up if he calls. Do whatever it takes. Don't let him back in. He hurt you enough. It's time to move on, and do as suggested above: get your revenge by living well.

Well wishes

^sphinx^[E]^

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/30/2007 5:02:05 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Is it possible to just move ahead without letting the past dictate me? In r/l I am a strong and confident woman...able to make decisions...but since all this happened I am very insecure. I know longer trust myself to do what is best for me.

When we allow another to take away our confidence, our strength, our being---we devalue what we are and what we bring to the table---someone like that is not worth crawling in your shadow----soothe your wounds, take a deep breath and forge ahead--and do not hold others to the stamdard of that creep.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you go on when you are dismissed/left? - 7/30/2007 9:11:28 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Whenever you get caught up in these feelings, you need to remind yourself firmly and repeatedly, 'That you want to be loved and he was incapabable and unwilling to really love you.' Once I grieved a relationship and finally understood that those men could not give me what I need, I was able to move on. Not saying that it didn't involve a lot of slouching around the house in pajamas, crying, chocolate eating, and nights out with the girls---but it was essentially just a process of forcing myself to realize the truth---he wasn't the man for me.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 20

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